How to Grow Up and Rule the World Read online

  This death trap is too slow-acting.

  There are three main types of diabolical death traps that have remained popular over the years and that I, myself, have used many times. All are guaranteed to come extremely close to exterminating your captured arch-nemesis. You are welcome to construct one or more of these in your own lair or, if you think you can do better (Give me a moment, here. I’m laughing so hard I’m snorting diabolical snot all over my keyboard!), feel free to design something of your own (snort).

  FIFTEENTH COMMANDMENT OF INCOMPREHENSIBILITY

  Never include a countdown timer when designing your diabolically clever yet extremely slow-acting death traps. Although they can be extremely slow-acting, they aren’t all that diabolically clever.

  Trap #1. Slowly Being Lowered to Ultimate Doom

  This particular trap requires that you bind your Superhero securely with a rope or cable and then lower him slowly into something horrifyingly fatal. You have the option of dropping him down headfirst, but this will give you less time to enjoy his screams of agony. This is the trap of choice when a sidekick has been captured along with his mentor.

  Popular Method of Escape: The hero (or heroes) swing rhythmically back and forth and then uses a knife from his utility belt to cut through his bindings and drop clear of danger.

  Most common forms of this trap (in increasing order of cruelty):

  Maria’s 6th Birthday Party

  Trap #2. Moving Slowly Along a Conveyor Belt Toward Ultimate Doom

  This is an outstanding death trap for the Supervillain who has limited ceiling height in his lair. Simply tie your victim to the conveyor belt, set the speed, and gaze gleefully as he gradually glides toward his grisly good-bye. This adversary assassination apparatus does tend to be a bit noisy, so you will need to speak up when taunting your fallen foe.

  Popular Method of Escape: A sidekick, girlfriend, or some other conniving cohort shows up at the last second and pulls the conveniently labeled power lever to the Off position.

  Most common forms of this trap (in increasing order of fiendishness):

  Never-Ending, Brain-Melting Theme Park Ride

  Trap #3. Being Imprisoned in a Receptacle That Is Slowly Being Filled with a Substance That Will Lead to Ultimate Doom

  In this abominable little beauty, the vanquished Superhero is shackled to the floor of a nearly indestructible, structurally enhanced Plexiglas tank, which is then slowly filled with any number of life-extinguishing substances.

  Popular Method of Escape: Nearly indestructible, structurally enhanced Plexiglas tank is shattered by falling debris resulting from an unexpected earthquake.

  Most common forms of this trap (in increasing order of downright not-niceness):

  Larry Krabbenhoft

  VILLAINOUS VEHICLES

  As you go about your business of conquering the planet, you will find it necessary to leave the comfortable confines of your lair from time to time. There will be armies to lead, nations to conquer, and garbage cans to take to the curb. And when you head out, you will want to do so with a style that proclaims to the world “I am POWERFUL and EVIL and BETTER THAN YOU!” You have worked hard to create a sinister image for yourself, and you don’t want to blow it by tooling around town in a minivan.

  I, myself, have always had a certain flair when it comes to abominable buggies. I dug back into my photo album and grabbed a few examples:

  Here I am at eighteen months, playing with the family cat while snugged securely in my wonderfully wicked walker. Am I adorable, or what? Normally, I would have been at Junior Gym Jamboree, but the instructor sent me home because I “did not play well with others.” Mom and Dad were very proud.

  I got this little beauty for my tenth birthday. Dad customized it with a miniaturized Pratt & Whitney JT12 Turbojet engine. I could run through my entire paper route in 13.7 seconds, although it probably would have taken a bit longer had I actually delivered the papers. I named this terrifying transport the Roscoenator, in honor of my pet hamster, Roscoe. That’s him on the handlebars.

  My job at Burger Dictator gave me enough money to buy and customize a horrifically heinous hot rod when I was nineteen. Here I am on my way to work to discuss my performance review with my supervisor.

  Chances are, you will also have need of other, more specialized vehicles. After all, that tunnel from your lair to Fort Knox isn’t going to dig itself. Depending on the type of evil plans you devise, you will require vehicles that travel on water and through the air. You will require vehicles that travel over mountains and across deserts. You will require vehicles that travel to the bottom of the ocean and beneath the Earth’s crust.

  You will require a very large garage.

  Lastly, we have the enormous, weaponized vehicles. These tyrannical transports not only get you where you want to go, but they let you dish out a little destruction along the way. When you are ready to reveal yourself to the world, this is an excellent way to do it. In order to impress the TV news networks and receive maximum worldwide coverage, focus on destroying targets that will cause dramatic explosions, like an oil refinery or a gunpowder-storage facility or the bathroom in Harlan Pluggedbowel’s apartment.

  Harlan Pluggedbowel

  -

  WEAPONS

  No chapter on evil goodies would be complete without a section on weapons. I’m not talking about laser pistols and dynamite and the other minor things—we will cover those later. I’m talking about the big stuff, the glorious high-end Superweapons that you will use to bring the planet’s inhabitants to their knees. I’m talking about machines of mayhem such as:

  • Tractor beams

  • Global-weather disruptors

  • Molecular destabilizers

  • Planetary-water evaporators

  • Vortex generators

  • Oxygen destroyers

  • Earth-core superheaters

  • Disintegration rays

  • Mind-control rays

  • Heat rays / Freeze rays

  • Shrink rays

  • Growth rays

  • Death rays

  • Lasers

  These are the tools that will make your evil plans hum, the instruments with which you will threaten to shake the planet to its very core. And you certainly are not limited to this list. Your super-intellectual, the geeky little toad that he is, will be thrilled to help you create any type of specialized Superweapon you desire. It’s what gets him out of bed in the morning … well, that and the fear that he will be thrown into a vat of radioactive waste if he sleeps in past 6:00 a.m.

  You are no doubt soiling your trousers in excitement just thinking about the possibilities that lie before you, weapon-wise. You may even be tempted to begin work on four or five or even more different Superweapons right off the bat, but I would advise against it. Choose one and build it to perfection. That way you will become known as “the Heat-Ray Guy” or “the Vortex-Generator Guy” or what have you, which will only add to your villainous vibe.

  A word of caution: Because the Earth, like many planets, is round, it may be necessary to bounce your beam or ray off a satellite in order to hit your desired target. This requires precise aim and can be very tricky, especially for a spaz such as yourself. Because I am as generous as I am Incomprehensible, I have created this handy reference card to help you out. Photocopy it, laminate it, and keep it pinned to your utility belt at all times.

  ODDS AND ENDS OF EVIL

  Of course, not all of your evil activities will require the type of major hardware we have been talking about. You and your super-intellectual will have your hands full designing and building your various death traps, vehicles, and Superweapons, so for the day-to-day evil necessities, I suggest using an evil mail-order retailer such as Sinister Syd.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  The EVIL Plan

  In previous chapters I have wasted spent a great deal of my valuable time arming you with the tools necessary to vanquish this spitball of a planet. I trust you we
re paying attention.

  “I’m sorry—what was that?”

  I said, “I TRUST YOU WERE PAYING ATTENTION!”

  “Oh, yeah! Definitely!”

  Excellent! So, with all that awesome might at your command, you’re probably thinking you’ll just relax in the comfort of your evil lair and wait for the world to surrender. Well, guess what? I’ve already tried that. The only ones who surrendered to me were sixteen seventh-grade students from Lester P. Grace Middle School, and they did so only to avoid taking Mr. Crapdavitch’s third-period algebra exam. So what is the lesson, here?

  “Try to get Miss Mosquera for algebra?”

  Exactly. She lets you use a calculator and keeps a big jar of Milk Duds on the … I MEAN, NO! My point is that if you intend to rule more than sixteen seventh-grade slackers, you will need to get up off your duff and put together a plan. A plan that is evil. An EVIL PLAN.

  THE EVIL PLAN

  There are evil plans, and then there are EVIL PLANS. Let’s say you want to embarrass your older brother by drawing streaks in his underwear using a brown Magic Marker. When will you strike? How will you deflect the blame onto your little sister? What will you use to disinfect your hands afterward? These are the sorts of issues that are covered in an evil plan. Other examples of evil plans include schemes to toilet paper your principal’s house (did it), switch the signs on restroom doors (did it), and spray water on the front of Jimmy Licata’s cargo shorts so everyone thinks he has had an “accident” (planning it as we speak). Yes, they are plans and, yes, they are evil, but they are limited in their size and scope.

  Now, truly EVIL PLANS, the kind with all uppercase letters, come in three basic types (listed in increasing order of evilosity):

  1. those designed to conquer the world

  2. those designed to destroy the world

  3. those designed to trick you into eating cauliflower

  Obviously, based on the title of this book, I prefer type 1.

  “Wait a minute. So you’re telling me there are other Supervillains out there creating EVIL PLANS type 2 and 3 who are more evil than you?”

  HA!! Hardly! Don’t confuse the plan with the person. Yes, destroying the world would be the more evil thing to do. But here is the problem: no world = no people. No people = no groveling. No groveling = no joy for Vordak the Incomprehensible. Besides, if you were to destroy the world, what then? Where would you live? What would you do? Whom would you torment? Conquering and ruling are really the only sensible things to do, but if you are dead set on destroying the world, I would highly recommend this book:

  Doctor Destructo is very well respected among evil masterminds, and his other books, How to Destroy Jupiter and Other Gas Giants and An Idiot’s Guide to Imploding the Universe are best sellers within the Supervillain community.

  WARNING!— Have plenty of tissues on hand before reading the next paragraph.

  Okay, now it’s time to brace yourself for a bit of bad news. When it comes to designing the details of your own EVIL PLAN, I am afraid I cannot help you. I know, I know. This must come as a huge disappointment to you, and I certainly don’t blame you for bawling your eyes out. After all, it is I, Vordak the Incomprehensible, whose help you will not be receiving. But a truly sinister, fiendishly diabolical EVIL PLAN can be carried out only by the individual whose twisted imagination came up with it in the first place. And no two EVIL PLANS are exactly alike because no two EVIL SUPERVILLAINS are alike. Take you and me, for example. I have a brilliant mind, a wondrous wit, and striking good looks, while you approximate a bullfrog in each of these areas. Nevertheless, I have spent the better part of seven chapters giving you all the tools and knowledge you will need to prepare your own EVIL PLAN, so get cranking.

  “I can’t think of anything.”

  Wow … what a surprise. Let’s see if we can kick-start that “brain” of yours and get you in a plan-devising mood with a little mental exercise.

  Help Vordak the Incomprehensible snatch the beryllium energy sphere from its protective vault deep within the confines of the top secret, high-security government facility. You have two seconds. BEGIN! (Solution on next page.)

  Solution:

  Simple! For me, that is. As you can see, the words fair play are not in my vocabulary. Well, they are in my vocabulary, but only to say that they aren’t.

  All right, now that your brain is warmed up and ready to go, you should have no trouble devising a truly inspired, utterly brilliant EVIL PLAN. I believe in you! (Oh, man. Hold on a second. Now I’m laughing so hard I just spit milk all over the diabolical snot that was already on my keyboard!)

  What Can Go Wrong?

  If your EVIL PLAN is not successful, it will be for one of the following reasons:

  REASON #1: Something unexpected happens. This one is pretty straightforward. Let’s face it, if you mastermind a plan that is foiled by something you expected to happen, then you must have cabbage for brains.

  REASON #2: You have cabbage for brains.

  Unfortunately, there is not much you can do about either of these.

  “What about Superheroes?”

  They fall under Reason #1. Although it’s true that you can pretty much expect your arch-nemesis to swoop in and thwart your EVIL PLAN, how and when he does so will be completely unexpected. I can’t begin to recount the number of times I have come painfully close to seeing an EVIL PLAN reach fruition only to have that leotard-laden lackwit Commander Virtue gum up the works—including the time he destroyed my Atmosphere Disintegrator by literally throwing a wad of gum into it.

  Here are a few EVIL PLANS from my own files that were not successful. I am allowing you to view them so you can see that these brilliant schemes failed through no fault of my own. And, who knows—you might even learn something. (Zounds! There I go again. My gut is killing me, here!)

  Diabolical EVIL PLAN 47a

  Summary: Send my entire minion army of robots, clones, and zombies on a mission to overthrow Disney World. Once world leaders see how easily I can take away humanity’s greatest pleasures, they will turn control of the planet over to me immediately.

  Required: 20,000–30,000 minions (various types)

  $2 million–$3 million (for park entrance fees)

  300 gallons of sunscreen

  Result: Not good

  Reason: I underestimated how much my minion army would enjoy Space Mountain.

  Diabolical EVIL PLAN 117b:

  Summary: In light of the failure of EVIL PLAN 117a (using shrink ray to reduce entire world population to an average height of 3 ½ inches), EVIL PLAN 117b will achieve the same overall effect with less effort by reversing the ray and transforming myself into a hundred-foot-tall colossus. I will then rampage across the countryside, terrifying the populace and leaving untold destruction in my wake. Horrified world leaders will turn control of the planet over to me immediately.

  Required: Growth ray

  Comfortable walking shoes

  A 400-pound bag of trail mix (for snack breaks while rampaging)

  Result: Not good

  Reason: I didn’t realize that the ray had no effect on metal. I ended up with a screaming headache and couldn’t get my helmet off for a month.

  Diabolical EVIL PLAN 12a:

  Summary: Definitely one of my more ambitious EVIL PLANS. Using my ingenious Vorcuum Siphoning Device, I will suck all the water from the Earth’s oceans. When world leaders discover they no longer have anywhere to put their ships, they will turn control of the planet over to me immediately.

  Required: Vorcuum Siphoning Device

  Spare battery

  Containers to store water

  Map pinpointing locations of oceans

  Result: Not good

  Reason: That portly purveyor of justice, the Masked Manatee, unwittingly swam too close to the suction nozzle.

  THE ULTIMATUM

  When your plan is ready and you have all the pieces in place, you need to alert the world to your evil intentions. You do this by issui
ng an ultimatum.

  An ultimatum should contain the following basic information:

  • Who you are

  • Who you are threatening

  • What you are threatening to do

  • What your demands are

  • How much time those you are threatening have to meet these demands

  “That sounds easy enough, but I can’t shake the feeling that there are four or five common mistakes to avoid when issuing ultimatums.”

  HAH!! There are six!

  VORDAK THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE’S

  Six Mistakes to Avoid When Issuing Ultimatums

  Mistake #1. Using language that you do not understand

  Since you have no doubt been dazzled by my own voluminous vocabulary, you may be tempted to try to impress your fellow Earth dwellers by using important-sounding words in your ultimatums. While this is not a problem for a supergenius such as myself, it likely is a problem for you, since you have thus far demonstrated the brainpower of a glazed doughnut. To save you from embarrassing yourself, I have included a little exercise to test your villainous vocabulary: