How to Grow Up and Rule the World Read online

  Of course, there are also plenty of Supervillains running around whose powers are exactly what you would expect. This isn’t necessarily a good thing, either, as you can see when you take the time to examine …

  VORDAK THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE’S

  Legendary Listing of Supervillains to Avoid

  (Unless, of Course, You Are a Superhero)

  The Angry Gerbil

  The Knock-Knock Joker

  Cold Sore

  Special Ed

  General Malaise

  Unclean Gene

  The Golden Puddle

  The Scarlet Rash

  Balsa Man

  Glass Jaw

  Hal Itosis

  Aunty Social

  Compost

  Carl the Comprehensible

  The Damp Match

  Sergeant Surrender

  The Dangling Participle

  The Sticky Kid

  The Blind Sentry

  Screaming Mimi

  The Wet Blanket

  Sunburn

  Lobotomy Boy

  Captain Fragile

  Nick Naked

  Mr. Mucus

  The Brown Smudge

  At this point it should be obvious to anyone with an unsevered brain stem (and I’m going to go out on a limb and assume this includes you, but to be honest, I haven’t been real impressed so far) that selecting Supervillains to add to your corrupt crew is not a task to be taken lightly. There are a lot of crappy villains out there, so you need to take the time to find those whose powers are both real and useful. Based upon the experience I have gained during my lengthy career in evil, I strongly suggest that any terrifying team you put together includes, at the very least:

  A strong guy

  I’m not talking “has the strength of ten men”–level muscle here. You need to secure the services of a Supervillain capable of leveling an office building with his bare hands, of throwing a bus across the Hudson River, of single-handedly wrestling a doughnut from the clutches of Homer Simpson. I struggled to fill this position early on in my career when the best I could manage was a villain named Rex Roider who, thanks to a six-month gym membership, could bench press 325 pounds. Sure, he was useful whenever we needed to vacuum under the sofa, but his abysmal showings when matched up against high-powered Superhero strongmen stopped many a world-takeover attempt dead in its tracks.

  Someone with wings

  Whether providing advance scouting, swooping silently down from above to scoop up a hostage, or transporting you to safety when one of your schemes goes horribly wrong, one of these feathered felons would be a fabulous fit for your fiendish force. Unfortunately, all of the really good bird-based nicknames, like Hawkman and the Vulture, were taken years ago, and you may find yourself stuck with one of the newer guys like Hummingbirdman or the Tufted Titmouse.

  Tip: These avian evildoers spend most of their free time perched on tree limbs or telephone wires, so you’ll want to carry an umbrella when strolling around your lair grounds, especially right after lunch. And don’t let them anywhere near your statues.

  A super-intellectual

  Not everyone is blessed with brainpower capable of reshaping a planet. In fact, I may be the only one. Yet even I enlisted the services of a super-intellectual to help with such complex tasks as programming the supercomputers, designing death rays, and uploading videos onto YouTube. This freed me up to issue more ultimatums.

  This socially backward superdweeb is easily bullied yet also grateful for the opportunity to work in a well-equipped laboratory. This tends to make him an extremely loyal underling as well as a potential right-hand man.

  What to look for: 90 percent of a super-intellectual’s head should be located above his eyebrows and feature a clearly visible network of pulsating blood vessels. An exposed brain visible beneath a transparent dome is also acceptable. He should be small with a frail physique so that any energy he receives from food sources will be directed almost entirely to the brain.

  Where to look for him: Radio Shack.

  Tip: Always address your super-intellectual as “imbecile” or “dolt” no matter how much smarter he is than you. This will help keep his self-confidence low and will spare you the hassle of remembering his name.

  An invisible being

  When evil stealth is required, nothing can match the translucent tiptoeing of invisible Supervillains. Their ability to slink about undetected allows them to sneak into Superhero headquarters in order to attend secret meetings, gain access to classified documents, and hide the television remote. Of course, you, yourself, won’t know where they are, either, which can lead to some awkward moments, particularly in the men’s room. I made my own transparent underling, InvisiBill, wear a cowbell around his neck whenever he was in the lair.

  Tip: Require all nonvisible members of your team to report directly to you at the beginning and end of each day. These see-through scallywags are notorious for slipping in late and sneaking out early.

  A shape-shifter

  A shape-shifter’s ability to imitate anyone on the planet is a wondrously wicked weapon when in the hands of a shrewd Supervillain who best knows how to use it. I, for example, once had my shape-shifter take on the appearance of LeBron James so we could get a discount on basketball shoes at Walmart. MUHAHAHAHA!!

  They can also mimic Superheroes, allowing you to make those heroic ham bones look like complete wedgeheads in public. You can even have your shape-shifter take on your appearance so you can run away fall back and devise a new strategy when the going gets too dangerous. Of course, you will want to remain close enough so you can quickly jump back into the spotlight if any groveling occurs.

  Someone who can control the weather

  None of my evil plans ever called for weather control, per se, but I’ll be a zombie’s behind if I was ever going to let it rain on my birthday.

  A fast guy

  Superhuman speed is a power in very high demand among hopeful World Conquerors. A top-level speedster can outrace a bullet. He can disarm an entire regiment in the blink of an eye. He can commit a crime halfway around the globe and be back with McDonald’s faster than you can say “anything but McNuggets,” and that includes bathroom breaks. You should look for a speed burner with a few years of experience under his belt, since it takes a while to get this particular power under complete control.

  I once briefly employed a young man named Litespead who, along with being an extraordinarily poor speller, could run completely around the Earth in twelve seconds flat. Unfortunately, it took him a day and a half to come to a complete stop afterward, so I had no real use for him. Something else to be aware of—keeping these speed merchants in motion will cost you a bundle because they tend to burn through their boots at the costly rate of seven pairs/second.

  Someone who looks like this

  No superpowers necessary.

  There are many other Supervillain types roaming about in search of an evil leader, many of whom might prove useful to you. Pick and choose wisely, however—just because a Supervillain possesses a superpower doesn’t make him a super good fit for your lethal legion.

  TWELFTH COMMANDMENT OF INCOMPREHENSIBILITY

  Never bring a Supervillain into your organization who possesses the power of invulnerability. There is nothing more frustrating than trying to punish an underling who is impervious to harm.

  SUPERHERO SPIES

  The messiest situation you are likely to face when assembling your team (unless, that is, you ignore my warning and bring the Whizzer on board) involves accidentally bringing a Superhero spy into your midst. Once one of these deceitful do-gooders worms his way into your organization, it will be nearly impossible to flush him out before he causes serious damage. As you may recall, this very issue led to my leaving the Denizens of Doom (due to circumstances that were, as you may also recall, completely beyond my control). It also led to the creation of my unfailingly foolproof procedure to determine whether a Supervillain is, in actuality, a Superhero in disgu
ise:

  VORDAK THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE’S

  Indescribable Undercover-Superhero Spy-Detection Procedure

  Step 1. Perform a visual check. Does he have perfect posture and a chin like a block of granite? If so, he may be a Superhero. Proceed to step 2.

  Step 2. Hand him an index card containing the phrase “In the name of truth and justice!” and have him read it aloud. Does his chest swell, his voice deepen, and his right index finger point upward involuntarily? If so, he may be a Superhero. Proceed to step 3.

  Step 3. Have him advise a group of random elementary-school students to disrespect their elders and drop out of school the minute they turn sixteen years old. Does he collapse onto the floor and begin to shake violently? If so, he may be a Superhero. Proceed to step 4.

  Step 4. Step 4. Have him stand with his feet shoulder-width apart, fists resting on hips, and chin thrust slightly upward. Does a sudden breeze hit him head on, even while indoors? If so, he is definitely a Superhero. Bind him securely and drop him into one of your diabolically clever yet extremely slow-acting death traps.

  I grant you permission to use my perfectly penned procedure as often as you please, as long as you refer to it aloud as “Vordak the Incomprehensible’s Indescribable Undercover-Superhero Spy-Detection Procedure” at least three times whenever you use it. This shouldn’t be too difficult for anyone with half a brai … On second thought, here is an example to follow:

  This guy is definitely a Superhero.

  “All right, [insert Supervillain name here], I just need to run through Vordak the Incomprehensible’s Indescribable Undercover-Superhero Spy-Detection Procedure in order to determine whether you are, in fact, a Superhero. Let’s see now, where did I put my copy of Vordak the Incomprehensible’s Indescribable Undercover-Superhero Spy-Detection Procedure? Ah, yes. It’s right here in the folder labeled ‘Vordak the Incomprehensible’s Indescribable Undercover-Superhero Spy-Detection Procedure.’ ”

  WORKING TOGETHER TOWARD A BETTER TOMORROW?

  Assuming you have enough sense to follow my advice to the letter (doubtful, I know), you should have no problem putting together a deadly organization capable of wreaking havoc on humanity—so long as everyone works together toward that goal. Dissension among the ranks will flush even the best-laid plan down the toilet of self-destruction. So how can you keep your underlings in line? By allowing them to have a say in what is going on.

  Back in my Evil Masterminding days, whenever we gathered around the Conference Table of Gloom, I always made it a point to promote an atmosphere of openness and freedom. If anyone disagreed with me for any reason, that individual had the freedom to voice his or her opinion, while I had the freedom to pull a lever under the table that lowered his or her chair into a vat of molten titanium. This approach helped keep everyone on the same page—which is important because even I can’t do everything myself.

  By the way, congratulations are in order for your making it through this entire chapter without asking one stupid question.

  “Thanks. So … does this mean we’re buddies now?”

  Scratch that.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Instruments of Evil

  If you were to approach me out of the blue and ask me what I miss most about being an active Supervillain, my response would be simple: I would staple a cheeseburger to your behind and toss you into a cage full of underfed badgers. I hate being approached out of the blue.

  I do like the question, however, so I am going to give you a real treat by answering it. It’s all the glorious stuff—the wonderfully evil gadgets, contraptions, weapons, and vehicles—that I miss the most. Well, that and the groveling. I really, really, really miss the groveling. Whether it came from a single henchman or the entire population of Rhode Island, it just gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. Ah, yes, those were the days.…

  “Umm, excuse me, Your Incomprehensibleness?”

  … kidnapped citizens begging for mercy …

  “I believe you were going to tell us about all the neat stuff we get to use as Evil Supervillains.”

  … underlings licking my boots with hope of gaining my favor …

  “Hey, look! It’s COMMANDER VIRTUE!”

  Huh? What? Where? I, uh … I’ll be right back. I need to do some routine maintenance on my escape pod!

  “No, wait! Come back! I was kidding. I just wanted to snap you out of that daydream you were in.”

  Oh. I see.

  THIRTEENTH COMMANDMENT OF INCOMPREHENSIBILITY

  Never, under any circumstances, are you to interrupt Vordak the Incomprehensible while he is daydreaming. For all you know, he could be in the middle of devising a diabolically sinister plan to take over the world, if not the entire galaxy.

  (See Fourteenth Commandment)

  FOURTEENTH COMMANDMENT OF INCOMPREHENSIBILITY

  Unless he is about to be overwhelmed by an angry swarm of mutated harvester ants, in which case you should interrupt him immediately, using a frying pan if necessary.

  Now that my breathing and heart rate have returned to normal, I shall continue. DON’T EVER DO THAT AGAIN! And do not read another syllable of this chapter until after you sit down and craft a two-thousand-word apology to me in which the phrase “I am a lousy, no-good eel dropping” appears at least seventeen times.

  Now, where was I? Oh, yes—I was about to discuss all the wonderful devices that the serious Supervillain will have at his disposal. Let’s begin by taking a look at …

  DIABOLICALLY CLEVER YET EXTREMELY SLOW-ACTING DEATH TRAPS

  Would it surprise you to learn that Supervillains have been using diabolically clever yet extremely slow-acting death traps on their enemies for tens of thousands of years?

  “No.”

  Liar! Of course it would surprise you. From what I can tell, any basic piece of information would surprise you. You don’t appear to be the brightest bulb in the chandelier, if you know what I’m saying.

  “I don’t.”

  Of course you don’t. After all, you don’t seem to be the sharpest arrow in the quiver, if you catch my drift.

  “I don’t.”

  Of course you don’t. After all, you aren’t exactly the … the pointiest … thingy … ACK! Your dimwittedness is tying my brain in knots! Although, on the bright side, at least your sentences have gotten shorter. Whether it surprises you or not, death traps have been around for thousands of years. Just take a look at this primitive cave painting that was recently discovered in northern Spain:

  Yes, I was as shocked as you are to discover that primitive evildoers knew how to spell. It appears that we Supervillains have always been vastly more intelligent than the typical human being—at least until you joined our ranks. So, what is it about these tantalizingly treacherous traps that have made them so popular among Supervillains for so many years? To answer this question, we need to closely examine:

  VORDAK THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE’S

  Un-Do-Withoutable List of the Positives and Negatives of Using Diabolically Clever Yet Extremely Slow-Acting Death Traps

  Positives

  • Provides Superhero plenty of time to rue the day he crossed paths with you.

  • Creates ample opportunity for Superhero to beg you for mercy (although, to be honest, the only Superhero to ever beg me for mercy was the Baffling Beggar, and that was pretty much all he ever did, anyway).

  • Allows you to reveal the details of your sinister plan, per Regulation 7.1b.

  • Allows you to remind the Superhero over and over and over and over how foolish he was to believe he could defeat you.

  • Gives you a chance to use the restroom.

  Negatives

  • Never, ever, even once in recorded history, has a Superhero failed to escape before he has been harmed.

  “Excuse me again, Your Humongousness. I may be off base here, but it kind of seems like that one negative pretty much outweighs the positives. Why not just dispose of him quickly and be done with it? That’s what I would do.”
>
  Well, I guess that’s why you are the piddling banana slug in this relationship and I am the incomprehensibly evil Super Genius. Sure, it would be a fairly simple matter to sneak up behind your arch-nemesis and zap him with a ray that transforms him into a block of granite. Sure, you could then drop him into the ocean and he would sink to the bottom like a stone (or a block of granite), never to be heard from again. Sure, this would make your conquest of the planet a whole lot easier. But do you know what? Your arch-nemesis would meet his demise without ever knowing who did him in. And where, I ask you, is the joy in that? No, a real Supervillain will always opt for the diabolically clever yet extremely slow-acting death trap, no matter how small the odds of success. Heck, Commander Virtue narrowly escaped the clutches of my own diabolical death traps thirty-seven* times, but that never stopped me from throwing him into another one.

  Now, I should make myself clear on something. When I say “slow-acting” death trap, I don’t mean too slow. You are looking to fill your arch-nemesis with a sense of dread, not boredom. If he becomes weary of the whole process, he is likely to beg you just to go ahead and finish him off, in which case you have to let him go. You must always do the opposite of what someone begs you to do. It’s the Supervillain way. Unfortunately, Commander Virtue figured this out and now uses it to his advantage. (“No, Vordak! I beg of you! Don’t set your laser pistol on the floor and then knock yourself unconscious with that steel pipe!”)