How to Grow Up and Rule the World Read online

  You wish to intimidate the president of Uborkistan. Which threat would you choose in each of the following examples?

  1.

  (A) “I will agglutinate your decranons!”

  (B) “I will fimbriate your dungarees!”

  2.

  (A) “I will meliorate your lineaments!”

  (B) “I will gormandize your Phodopus sungorus!”

  3.

  (A) “I will purloin your chattels!”

  (B) “I will osculate your phalanges!”

  4.

  (A) “I will exfoliate your epidermis!”

  (B) “I will geniculate your jejunum!”

  5.

  (A) “I will burnish your balmorals!”

  (B) “I will conglobate your progeny!”

  Translations (more sinister threat in bold)

  1.

  (A) You are threatening to glue his elbows together.

  (B) You are offering to hem his jeans.

  2.

  (A) You are offering to improve the look of his face.

  (B) You are threatening to wolf down his Winter White Russian dwarf hamster.

  3.

  (A) You are threatening to steal his personal belongings.

  (B) You are offering to kiss his toes.

  4.

  (A) You are offering to gently remove his old, dead skin cells, giving him a more healthy and youthful appearance.

  (B) You are threatening to tie his small intestine in knots.

  5.

  (A) You are offering to polish his boots.

  (B) You are threatening to gather up all of his children and form them into a giant ball.

  If you failed to choose the more sinister threat in any of the five examples above, you are better off filling your ultimatums with words you can understand, like it and is and, if you’re really feeling like a smarty-pants, the.

  Mistake #2. Making spelling errors

  This can be a real problem with written or electronically submitted threats. You may spend weeks working on your ultimatum, tweaking and polishing it to diabolical perfection, but it won’t matter if no one knows what you are talking about. Misspelling even one word—for example, laser—can seriously take the oomph out of an otherwise spectacular ultimatum.

  “… and if you fail to give me complete control of the planet within the next twelve hours, I will have no choice but to unleash the world’s biggest LOSER!”

  Mistake #3. Making translation errors

  Issuing ultimatums to the leaders of foreign countries can be tricky. Years ago, I decided to threaten the chancellor of Germany with a plague of foul-smelling frogs if he did not deliver twenty tons of gold bullion to me within forty-eight hours. At the time, one of my underlings was Kommandant Kaboom, a sinister German explosives expert. He performed the translation, and I sent the chancellor the following message:

  Ich habe Kröten in beiden Ohren. Schauen Sie bitte in meinen Nasenlöchern.

  Which, as it turns out, means …

  I have toads in both ears. Please look in my nostrils.

  It was only after I transmitted the ultimatum that I discovered the good kommandant’s brain had been reduced to tapioca pudding as a result of repeated exposure to his explosive blasts.

  Mistake #4. Targeting the wrong individual

  Threatening to bury the entire state of New Mexico under a twelve-foot layer of expired cottage cheese unless you receive $100 billion may seem like a brilliantly clever ultimatum, but not if you issue it to an asparagus farmer in Ohio. Sure, he doesn’t want to see his fellow countrymen suffer, but what are you going to do with $100 billion worth of asparagus? Make sure that the individuals you target are in positions of power, and, no, just because Zack and Cody are on six times a day does not mean they direct world policy.

  Mistake #5. Failing to maintain the position of power

  You have issued your ultimatum in truly sinister fashion. World leaders are terrified and ready to meet your every demand. Be careful not to do anything stupid that would give your adversaries the upper hand.

  Mistake #6. Coming across as unprofessional

  If you are delivering your ultimatum in person, via video, or by hijacking the world’s television airwaves, it is important to present a positive image if you hope to be taken seriously. Your costume should be clean with no wrinkles, and any armor should be polished and dent free. If you sport a sinister mustache and/or beard, make sure they are neatly trimmed and have all the potato chip crumbs vacuumed out. Your posture, whether sitting or standing, should be upright and attentive. Your teeth should be brushed and flossed, and your hair, if exposed, should be neatly shaped and styled. And be sure to memorize your ultimatum and practice it repeatedly until you have it down pat. If you have a high, squeaky voice, you might consider installing a voice synthesizer beneath your helmet or mask. Avoid the frequent use of “um”s and “ah”s and “you know”s, and just generally try to avoid sounding like a professional athlete.

  Now it’s your turn to give it a shot. Write your own practice ultimatum and send it to me immediately so that I may review it.

  Well, it’s about time! Let’s take a look. Hmmm … I am actually quite impressed by this—if a mountain goat wrote it. Otherwise, this is an extremely weak effort. Let me just go ahead and mark this up with a few “suggestions”:

  Now we’re talking! And, although it pains me deeply, I must give you credit for coming up with the intestinal-liquefication ray. Perhaps I have been wrong about you. Perhaps you do have some promise after all.

  “Oh, yeah!”

  “You know it!”

  “I’m awesome!”

  “That’s me!”

  “Oh, yeah!”

  “You know it!”

  “I’m awesome!”

  “That’s me!”

  Ack.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Congratulations, You Rule the World! Now What?

  Just between us, I always knew that it would be you, whatever your name is, who would use my brilliantly evil advice to conquer the planet. All the other potato heads who bought this book never had a chance, did they? Those poor, pathetic little mudworms. All that time spent designing their costumes, gathering their minions, creating their lairs and weapons, issuing their ultimatums—and for what? Absolutely nothing, that’s what. You beat them to the punch and now they, like everyone else on this miserable little planet, must bow to your diabolical magnificence. MUAHAHAHAHA!!

  “Uh … excuse me, Your Reprehensibleness, but I haven’t actually conquered the planet yet.”

  You haven’t? Then why in Zolnar’s name are you reading this? Did you not see the plainly worded warning above this chapter’s title? It’s pretty hard to miss, what with the large letters and the big box around it. Am I to understand that you are unable to follow even the simplest instruc

  Ack!! This is what happens when you rely on simpletons to help publish your book! Rest assured that I will hunt down the blundering buffoon responsible for this egregious gaffe, and let’s just say he or she will not have the opportunity to make another mistake—ever again! In the meantime, if you have conquered the world, continue reading. If you have not, then ignore that first paragraph, get back out there, follow my advice, keep trying, you can do it, blah, blah, blah. Come back to this chapter after you conquer the world.

  Okay, all those miserable little failures are gone. Now, where were we? Ah, yes—congratulations on becoming the Evil Ruler of the World! The glorious gift of my guidance has made all that you have accomplished possible. The entire planet, and everything on it, is now yours to command. You are free to do whatever you please, whenever you choose, to whomever you want. And, what’s even more exciting, you now qualify to receive your very own official Certificate of Completion! Simply send me proof of your worldwide rulership in the form of $500 billion worth of gold bullion delivered to my doorstep, and your certificate will be in the mail the next day!

  So, Mr. Planetary Boss Man, Mr. Fancy Pants, Mr.
Big Cheese—now that the entire world is your personal plaything, what are you going to do first?

  “I’m not sure. I was thinking maybe I would sink Hawaii or go see a movie or something.”

  GREAT GASSY GOBLINS! Will my instruction never cease? You need to be creative in your torment or risk losing the respect of humanity! All right, here is what I am going to do. I am going to give you one final list. This is strictly a freebie from me to you—the information you paid for ended seven sentences ago. This list contains things that I, myself, was planning to do if I ever became the RULER OF THE WORLD! Some are sensationally sinister, while others are merely cunningly clever. But all come directly from the magnificent mind of Vordak the Incomprehensible!

  VORDAK THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE’S

  Loathsome List of Things to Do Once IYou Become the Ruler of the World!

  • Decree that all toys and electronics are to be packaged in impossible-to-open plastic shells. MUAHAHAHAHA!!

  “Umm, the toy companies already do that, Your Despicableness.”

  What?! The world has become a more evil place than I even imagined! It appears I need to take my loathsome list up a fiendish notch or two.

  • Change iTunes to iTune and make the only song available to download “I’m the Map!” from Dora the Explorer.

  • Destroy old holidays. Holidays are joyful occasions when families and friends gather to celebrate important people or events from their history. Eliminate them all as quickly as possible, with the exception of Leif Eriksson Day (October 9). What can I say? I am a big fan of Vikings.

  • Create new holidays. With Christmas, Easter, New Year’s Day, Independence Day, National Sea Otter Awareness Week, and other holidays out of the picture, there are plenty of open calendar dates available to celebrate things of greater importance, namely me you. Hold weekly parades in your honor so that all may bask in the splendor of your magnificent majesty … or the magnificence of your majestic splendor … or, if you’re really special, the majesty of your splendiferous magnificence.

  • Play “Being” Bowling.

  Have all the residents of a particular town line up in a triangular shape and see how many you can knock down using an enormous bowling ball. Start off with a small town such as Mauckport, Indiana (population: 83), and, as your game improves, move on to larger cities like Grank Pass, Oregon (23,670), Gilbert, Arizona (109,697), and London, England (7,172,091—you will need a very large ball for this one).

  SIXTEENTH COMMANDMENT OF INCOMPREHENSIBILITY

  When Being Bowling, always place the chubbier residents toward the front of the triangle for greater pin action.

  • Erect unimaginably humongous statues of yourself. Locate them so at least one is visible at all times from anywhere on Earth. These will serve as a constant reminder to the planet’s pitiful population that you possess a preponderance of petrifyingly prodigious power.

  • Create new words …

  … such as the verb form of Vordak (always capitalized), which means: “to apply a whooping of epic proportions.”

  Examples:

  • Did you see the Steelers Vordak the Lions 63–0?

  • Jason couldn’t sit down for a week after his mom Vordaked him for putting bologna in the DVD player.

  … or the adjective Vordakian (always capitalized), which means: “(1) of unimaginable magnificence and/or splendor or (2) of immeasurable evil.”

  Examples:

  • The sunrise on Mercury is absolutely Vordakian.

  • Brad’s Vordakian mother wouldn’t let him stay up to watch American Idol.

  • Play Diabolical Darts. For some completely random destructive fun, blindfold yourself and throw a dart at a map of the world. Then launch a twenty-two-thousand-pound D-3714 SuperDart programmed to land in the exact same spot on the actual Earth.

  • Genetically alter the Earth’s animal population. There are over fifty thousand species of animals on the planet, and that doesn’t even include insects. That’s an awful lot of poop plopping down onto your planet’s surface every single day. It’s dirty, smelly, and, quite frankly, downright disrespectful. Combining animals will help minimize the problem. It also means zoos can be downsized to three or four cages, leaving you additional space to erect enormous statues of yourself.

  By the way, I love bacon cheeseburgers so, while you’re at it …

  • Alter the planet’s surface in tribute to yourself. Supply every man, woman, and child on Earth with a shovel, pick, or hoe and have them reshape North America in your likeness. Not only will this pay lasting homage to your magnificence, it will also serve as a warning to beings from distant solar systems that you have already laid claim to this putrid little planet.

  • Create an anthem honoring your greatness that the entire population of the planet must chant in unison three times a day. I wrote the lyrics to my own anthem a number of years ago, although I am still working on the melody:

  ALL HAIL MIGHTY VORDAK!!

  All hail mighty Vordak

  The In-com-pre-hen-si-ble

  Who can devastate a planet

  With a simple lever pull.

  His evil’s overwhelming

  His mercy, nonexistent

  His awesomeness is legend

  His costume—stain resistant.

  He is smart and strong and mighty

  And he’s been that way since birth

  He is truly awe-inspiring

  The most handsome man on Earth.

  I do not deserve to serve him

  I’m but worthless, putrid scum

  He’s a wondrous, special being

  I’m a paramecium.

  If he commands me “Dig a ditch!”

  I will quickly grab a shovel

  If he passes through my village

  I’ll get on my knees and grovel.

  So all hail mighty Vordak

  In whose name I sweat and toil

  For if I fail to please him

  I’ll be dipped in boiling oil.

  • Change the standard workweek. Have all planetary citizens between the ages of three and ninety-three work twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, fifty-two weeks a year (with, of course, three five-minute breaks per day to chant my, er your, anthem). Those over the age of ninety-three get Sunday mornings between 8:30 and 8:45 off to disinfect their dentures.

  • Note: Although this is a wonderful idea, implementing it means you will not be able to do some of the other things I suggest because everyone will be busy working all the time.

  • Require every male junior high school geometry teacher over the age of forty to wear a tutu and ballet slippers.

  • Work on perfecting a time machine. Sure, tormenting those toiling under your iron-fisted rule can help make the days go by faster, but eventually you will need to find new challenges or you run the risk of becoming bored and, dare I say it, less evil. Perfecting a time machine will allow you to travel throughout the ages and reconquer the Earth in different eras in order to keep yourself sharp.

  The key word here is perfecting. Be sure to thoroughly test your time machine on your henchmen before using it yourself. Otherwise, who knows when or where you might end up.

  Bad Times and Places for Your Time Machine to Appear

  January 3, 53,217 B.C.

  May 19, 1963

  April 15, 1912

  August 7, 4291

  Oh, and one last thing …

  I’ll bet you thought I forgot about our little agreement from way back. Needless to say, I will be seeing you soon … and I won’t be packing light.

  MUAHAHAHAHA!!

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  VORDAK THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE is a world-class Supervillain and the Evil Master of all he surveys. His previous writing includes his half of witty repartee with various Superheroes as well as numerous ultimatums to world leaders. This is his first book. His future projects include an autobiography titled A Life Vastly Superior to Yours as well as rewriting the literary classics War and Peace and
The Grapes of Wrath in order to “make them better.” His current whereabouts are unknown, where he is enjoying semi-retirement with his genetically altered dog, Armageddon. His presence has been unleashed into an unsuspecting Internet at www.vordak.com.

  About the Minions

  SCOTT SEEGERT was selected to transcribe Vordak’s notes based on his ability to be easily captured. He has completely forgotten what fresh air smells like and has learned to subsist on a diet of beetles, shackle rust, and scabs. He hasn’t brushed his teeth in over seventeen months. As far as he knows, he still has a wife and three children living in southeast Michigan.

  JOHN MARTIN had the great misfortune of being chosen by Vordak to illustrate this book. He hasn’t seen the sun in three years and spends his free time counting down the months to his annual change of underwear. He is deathly afraid of the dark and spiders, which is unfortunate considering his situation. The last he heard, he also had a wife and three children living in southeast Michigan.

  EVIL NOTES: