How to Grow Up and Rule the World Read online

  Some other dangerous activity

  Costume Variety

  I find it helpful to have a number of specialized costumes to wear when circumstances dictate. As breathtakingly magnificent as my everyday ensemble is, I must admit it feels good to don different adornment on occasion. After all, variety is the spice of life.

  This is my formal costume, to be worn only when accepting planetary surrender … or while posing for this portrait. Gaze upon it in short bursts or its brilliance will drive you mad.

  Here I am in my aquatic costume. I wore this frequently while headquartered in my suboceanic lair. Michael Phelps, eat your heart out.

  And, of course, something for the more casual moments between evil escapades. (By the way, my flaming liver dogs were always a huge hit. No one ever complained twice.)

  RAISING MONEY

  All right, so there you are, an evil young person with a terrifying new name and an awe-inspiring new costume, standing ready to strike fear in the hearts of the wretched ranks of humanity. So what’s stopping you? Money. Or, rather, a lack of it. Nothing of real, lasting, world-impacting evil can be accomplished without a great deal of money. Lairs must be built. Supervillains need to be paid. Nightmarish weapons, elaborate vehicles, and diabolically clever yet extremely slow-acting Superhero death traps must be designed and built. As if this chapter required any further wisdom to become immeasurably valuable, I will now offer you a few tips for raising cartloads of cash.

  As you become more powerful, you will think nothing of issuing multibillion-dollar ultimatums to nations across the globe. Since you are just starting out, however, you need to set your sights a bit lower. Here are a few evil techniques to help wring big profits from small businesses:

  Lemonade Stand

  1. Choose a location with a proven customer base.

  2. Reduce the cost of your ingredients.

  3. Discourage competition.

  4. Increase your profit per unit.

  5. Make your product irresistible to customers.

  6. Sit back and count your money.

  Mowing Lawns

  • Undercut the competition price-wise in order to generate a staggering number of customers.

  • Collect the full season’s fees in advance.

  • Sabotage underground sprinkler systems, cut holes in hoses, and use highly advanced weather-control device to prevent rain, thus guaranteeing grass won’t grow.

  • Sit back and count your money.

  Pet-Sitting Service

  • For a reasonable fee, agree to watch customers’ pets while they (the customers) are away from home.

  • Send customers a ransom note demanding $500 each for the safe return of their furry little creatures.

  • Sit back and count your money.

  Babysitting

  • Similar procedure to pet-sitting.

  • For a reasonable fee, agree to watch customers’ children while they (the customers) are away from home.

  • Send customers a ransom note demanding $500 $350 each for the safe return of their furry snotty little creatures.

  • Sit back and count your money.

  Bottle Returns

  Nothing diabolical here, but you might want to give it a try, anyway. If you live in a state with bottle and can deposits, you receive 5¢ for every one you return. Do the math—20 million cans = 1 million dollars! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

  This concludes chapter 2. To determine whether you were paying attention, I have prepared a little exercise for you. Using your now-keen eye for costume design, select the pulse-pounding portrait below in which my attire is slightly different from the others. If you succeed, you may proceed to chapter 3. If not, you must reread the costume section—and this time take notes!

  (answer on the following page)

  Answer: D

  * I TYPICALLY AVOID LOOKING IN THE MIRROR FOR FEAR I WILL ACCIDENTALLY INTIMIDATE MYSELF.

  * AND I DON’T SEE HOW IT COULDN’T

  CHAPTER THREE

  SUPERHEROES —Noble Upholders of Justice or Big, Fat, Stupid Jerks?

  The priceless pages of this cherished chapter will focus on those publicly adored do-gooders who are dedicated to making your life in evil a miserable mess—Superheroes. These pampered prima donnas present the single greatest obstacle to any world-takeover attempt. They are powerful, courageous, and morally upstanding. In other words, incredible jerks!

  Superheroes get everything handed to them. They receive benefits that we villains can only dream about—things like government funding, the private cell phone numbers of world leaders, and half-price hot fudge sundaes at participating Dairy Cream locations. They are also idolized by millions, even without the use of mind-control technology.

  Superheroes have it easy in the overall good vs. evil scheme of things. We Evil Masterminds work long, grueling hours developing our organizations and concocting our brilliantly evil plans, patiently biding our time for the ideal moment in which to strike. And then, in swoops the Superhero to thwart everything. No preparation. No planning. Nothing. He simply receives “the call” and off he goes, swooping and thwarting. And if I have to listen to one more of these haughty heroes drone on about how evil never wins and how I’ll be spending the rest of my life behind bars, I just may regurgitate my lunch.

  “Umm, not to question your judgment,

  Your Evil Incomprehensibleness,

  but shouldn’t we learn about lairs and weapons and vehicles and stuff before we deal with Superheroes? It’s not like they’re

  going to come after us until we begin to threaten the world anyway, right?”

  So, you say you are not going to question my judgment and then go right ahead and question it, anyway! … (must … control … rage) … Using a spoon, fashion my likeness from a four-foot-tall wheel of Muenster cheese, display it in your bedroom for six weeks, AND PRAY THAT THAT WILL PROVE SUFFICIENT TO APPEASE MY ANGER! It would have been Limburger, but I gave you a break for using the proper dramatic font for my title.

  The reason we are discussing Superheroes now rather than later is precisely because they will not wait until you become world-threateningly powerful to begin pestering you. Once word gets out that you have decided to dedicate your life to evil, those gladiators of goodness will be all over you like flies on poop*, especially once you begin wearing your costume.

  A Quick Word About Diabolically Clever Yet Extremely Slow-Acting Death Traps

  Before I continue, I need to briefly mention diabolically clever yet extremely slow-acting death traps. Although these devilish devices will be covered in more detail later in the book, I believe it is important that you get a basic trap up and running as soon as possible. The Superhero community will soon be aware of your existence, so you never know when you’ll have a subdued foe in need of leisurely destruction.

  Here is a simple yet effective Superhero death trap that should hold you over until you have the time and money to develop more ingenious devices. You can set it up in your own yard using ordinary items you can find lying around:

  Name of trap: Rodent’s Revenge

  Type of trap: Slowly lowering to ultimate doom

  Effective for: Superheroes weighing less than 250 pounds

  What you will require:

  Assemble as follows:

  What Is a Superhero?

  That is an excellent question, which is not surprising, since I am the one who asked it. To answer it, let’s take a closer look at what the word Superhero actually stands for:

  Stupid

  Ugly

  Pig-kissing

  Earwax-eating

  Rear-end-scratching

  Handkerchief-licking

  Elephant-snot-flinging

  Rump-sniffing

  Old buttface

  “So what’s the big deal, then? They don’t sound so tough to me. I mean, I sit next to a handkerchief-licking earwax eater

  in my second-period science class, and he gets beat up every day on the way home from school … b
y a girl … who’s in kindergarten.”

  Well, unfortunately, most Superheroes also possess some type of superpower such as tremendous strength, or a highly advanced skill like superhuman marksmanship with a bow and arrow. You would need an army of kindergarten girls to defeat just one of them, and imagine how much that would cost in juice boxes alone.

  Besides the unfortunate physical gifts, Superheroes also possess a ridiculously strong moral fiber, far beyond that of the ordinary citizen. Since I am fairly certain you have no idea what I am talking about, let’s take a look at an example—say, how various types of people would react to a house that is on fire.

  • Ordinary citizen: Call 911

  • Upstanding citizen: Call 911 and run down to the end of the street to help direct fire trucks to the endangered domicile.

  • Superhero: Intercept the 911 call, speed to the location of the fire, stop briefly en route to foil an attempted bank robbery, arrive at the scene, place fists against hips and exclaim “Have no fear, MR. SPECTACULAR is here!” rush inside and rescue everyone plus any pets and family heirlooms, use Super Breath* to extinguish the blaze, pose briefly for photographs, lecture bystanders on the dangers of leaving small appliances turned on, retrieve the neighbor’s cat from a tree, tell everyone to have a nice day, and return to secret headquarters for a quick shower before bedtime.

  Now that you have made the decision to dedicate your life to taking over the world, this is the type of individual you will be forced to deal with. Every. Single. Day. The good news is you can get a head start on defeating a number of them by memorizing the information I am about to give you. These are overviews of Superheroes with whom I am nauseatingly familiar. They include inside information that will prove invaluable should you run into any of these appalling upholders of justice somewhere down the road. These summaries come from my very own superspecial top secret index-card file. (I have been planning to transfer the information to my Vordax 12000DX Supercomputer, but I need to remove a couple of games first.) I have personally battled each of these moralizing miscreants, so you can rest assured that the information is accurate.

  THE AMAZING TODDLER-MAN

  IDENTITY: Todd Lerman

  ORIGIN: Was bitten on the hand by a radioactive two-year-old

  POWERS/STRENGTHS: Possesses the proportionate strength, agility, and snot production of a two-year-old. Strength (and snot production) multiplies hundredfold when having a temper tantrum. If he closes his eyes, you can’t see him.

  WEAKNESSES: Will eat anything. Gets cranky after 7:30 p.m. Requires afternoon naps. Has been known to “drop a stinky” while battling adversaries. Poor balance.

  WEAPONS/ACCESSORIES: Will pick up and throw objects he finds lying about, usually after putting them in his mouth first.

  NOTES: Easily lured into diabolically clever yet extremely slow-acting death traps with cookies, candy, or music from Dora the Explorer.

  THE THONG

  IDENTITY: Ben Grimace

  ORIGIN: Believed to have been bombarded with cosmic rays while piloting the space shuttle through an asteroid field with the windows down.

  POWERS/STRENGTHS: Cosmic rays transformed him into a rocklike creature with incredible strength and near invulnerability.

  WEAKNESSES: Same cosmic rays also shrank his pants, which frequently “ride up,” causing him to release adversaries from his powerful grasp in order to pull the shorts out of his “rocky crevice.”

  WEAPONS/ACCESSORIES: None

  NOTES: He’s very self-conscious about his appearance. Calling him names like Brick Breath and Boulder Butt can really throw him off his game.

  THE ARTFUL CODGER

  IDENTITY: Old Man Crenshaw

  ORIGIN: While Crenshaw was in his early seventies, the Supervillain Young Whippersnapper cut in front of him in a grocery store line. He vowed revenge on all evildoers.

  POWERS/STRENGTHS: Eighty-three years old, but thanks to a modest exercise program, possesses the strength, speed, and digestive system of a man ten years younger.

  WEAKNESSES: Easily confused. Often forgets who he is battling and why. Drives his Codger Mobile at extremely slow speeds and leaves his right-turn signal on.

  WEAPONS/ACCESSORIES: Has been known to use his cane to poke adversaries in their midsections.

  NOTES: If you happen upon his secret headquarters, don’t even think of walking on the grass.

  THE OTTER

  IDENTITY: Unknown—no one has ever bothered to find out.

  ORIGIN: Average guy decided he looked good in an otter costume.

  POWERS/STRENGTHS: None come to mind.

  WEAKNESSES: You name it.

  WEAPONS/ACCESSORIES: Does not appear to use/have any. You would think he might stick to the whole “otter” theme and, for example, use rocks to crack open Supervillain skulls—but no.

  NOTES: Aside from Inchworm, this is probably the least intimidating of all Superheroes. Enjoys delivering clever catchphrases such as “You otter know better than to tangle with the Otter.” Drives an Otter Mobile.

  NARWHAL

  IDENTITY: Not sure, but I’m thinking it might be this guy.

  ORIGIN: Unknown

  POWERS/STRENGTHS: A master swordsman who uses his hornlike tooth to disarm and subdue adversaries. Can change TV channels from his chair without using the remote.

  WEAKNESSES: Tooth makes it difficult to open doors, ride in cars, or sit in crowded movie theaters. It is also cavity prone since he can’t reach the end of it with his toothbrush.

  WEAPONS/ACCESSORIES: Blowhole may be equipped to discharge tear or knockout gas.

  NOTES: Tooth-based speech impediment makes his witty banter difficult to understand.

  ARROWHEAD

  IDENTITY: Unknown

  ORIGIN: Unknown

  POWERS/STRENGTHS: Slightly above average strength, speed, and agility due to a lifetime gym membership.

  WEAKNESSES: The fact that he is completely blind really hinders his accuracy.

  WEAPONS/ACCESSORIES: Bow and a vast array of specialty arrows.

  NOTES: Can easily avoid his arrows by disguising yourself as the broad side of a barn.

  AQUA STAN

  IDENTITY: Prince Stanley, Lord of the Deep

  ORIGIN: Unknown

  POWERS/STRENGTHS: Incredible strength when in water. Can telepathically communicate with all forms of sea life, although all he knows how to say is “Yo, what’s up?” Pretty good swimmer.

  WEAKNESSES: Has strength of a wet sock on dry land. Tastes good to sharks.

  WEAPONS/ACCESSORIES: Trident is equipped with paralysis beam. It is also extremely pointy. Has trained numerous sea creatures to serve as underwater transportation, although none larger than a crab.

  NOTES: Easily lured into diabolically clever yet extremely slow-acting death traps with minnows, shiny lures, or small pieces of hot dog.

  LEAD MAN

  IDENTITY: Toby Clark, billionaire industrialist

  ORIGIN: A brilliant inventor, Clark was kidnapped by terrorists and built the lead suit in order to escape. No one is quite sure why he didn’t use the ultrathin, ultrastrong, ultralight titanium, which was sitting on the shelf right next to the lead.

  POWERS/STRENGTHS: The suit is virtually indestructible and provides Clark with superhuman strength.

  WEAKNESSES: Can barely move, even with superhuman strength, due to the tremendous weight of the suit. Sweats a lot. Chafing a real problem.

  WEAPONS/ACCESSORIES: Chest-mounted power beam, visor-mounted disintegration ray, wrist-mounted rocket launchers.

  NOTES: Don’t worry about the wrist-mounted rocket launchers—he can’t lift his arms to aim them at anything.

  LIEUTENANT COLONEL AMERICA

  IDENTITY: Roger Stevens

  ORIGIN: As a volunteer, he was injected with a secret experimental serum by top American scientists in an effort to create a supersoldier. This originally angered Stevens, as he was under the impression he was volunteering to give blood.

  POWERS/STRENG
THS: Brilliant military strategist and master of hand-to-hand combat. Can lift up to three times his own body weight, depending on what he had for breakfast. A dynamite acrobat—can do six somersaults in a row.

  WEAKNESSES: Stops whatever he is doing and places his hand over his heart whenever he hears “The Star-Spangled Banner.” Due to a design flaw, his shield has a large hole in it.

  WEAPONS/ACCESSORIES: The Shield of Truth, the Billy Club of Justice, and the Utility Belt of the American Way.

  NOTES: Boasts of being the most patriotic American on the planet, but his costumes are made in China.

  THE ARCH-NEMESIS

  And then there is (sigh) Commander Virtue. You will find that as your stature as an Evil Mastermind grows, so, too, will the attention directed toward you by the Superhero community. And chances are there will be one particular hero who has decided to dedicate his life to defending the world from you, specifically. This individual is known as your arch-nemesis and he can be a real pain, believe me. Commander Virtue is my arch-nemesis and, as such, has been a throbbing ache in my evil backside for decades.

  I still remember the first time our paths crossed like it was yesterday. I had recently completed a long-range temporary shrink-ray prototype and was about to give the world a demonstration of my might by reducing the entire population of Merrimack, New Hampshire, to half size. I had put a lot of work into this particular evil scheme. The shrink-ray cannon was lubricated and fully charged, the satellite properly aligned, and the United Nations patched in via closed-circuit television to witness the event. Just as I pressed the Fire button and let loose with my most intimidating evil laugh (MUAHAHAHAHA!), who should appear swooping down out of the sky but Commander Virtue, sun gleaming radiantly off his freshly polished costume.