How to Grow Up and Rule the World Read online

  THE EVIL PLEDGE

  I would like to end this chapter by sharing with you a special pledge. So I will. It was handed down through my family for generations. No one knows who started it, but since I am the first to take the time to write it down and put a nice border around it, it shall from this point forward be known as Vordak the Incomprehensible’s Prodigious Pledge of Evil. Recite this every morning when you awake to assure that you will do your best to do your worst in the day ahead.

  Vordak the Incomprehensible’s Prodigious Pledge of Evil

  AS I WAKE THIS MORNING

  TO BEGIN ANOTHER DAY

  I PLEDGE TO BE NEFARIOUS

  IN WHAT I DO AND SAY.

  I WILL HECKLE, TRICK, OR TORMENT

  EVERY PERSON WHOM I MEET

  AND SOMETIMES I WILL DO ALL THREE

  A FIENDISH, NASTY FEAT.

  I’LL BE OBNOXIOUS, MEAN, AND SPITEFUL

  LOATHSOME, HEINOUS, VERY BAD

  A MALIGNANT EVIL PRESENCE

  A MALICIOUS, AWFUL CAD.

  AND WHEN I HIT THE SACK TONIGHT

  EXHAUSTED, STIFF, AND SORE

  I’LL SURELY BE MORE EVIL

  THAN I WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE.

  * THAT YOU ARE SUCH AN IMBECILE

  † SINCE YOU ARE SUCH AN IMBECILE

  CHAPTER TWO

  Getting a Jump on Your EVIL Caree

  What is the first thing that popped into your mind when you saw this bombastic book radiating its brilliance from the shelf of your local bookstore?

  “I never should have had that 87-ounce Dr Pepper for lunch. I wonder where the bathroom is in this place.”

  INCORRECT! You were thinking that the book’s author must be unimaginably powerful and immeasurably evil based on the picture and name displayed on the front cover.

  “No, I definitely had to go real bad.”

  Of course you did. My visage on the cover intimidated you to the extent you nearly wet your pants.

  “No, I just really had to—”

  ENOUGH, ALREADY! You were scared, and that’s that. I get the last word because I wrote the book. Which reminds me, you were also thinking how ruggedly handsome I must be beneath my helmet. But mainly you were scared and intimidated by my name and appearance. Why? Because that was my intention. In this chapter, I will help you craft your own evil persona with which to unleash your reign of terror upon the planet. I will also show you how to make the money necessary to get your evil operation off the ground.

  SELECTING A GUT-WRENCHINGLY EVIL NAME

  The key to gaining immediate respect is selecting a name befitting a feared being of immeasurable power and evil. Face it—no one is going to grovel at the feet of Myron Snortsberger, even if he does possess the ability to reduce an entire hemisphere to smoldering ash. And the satisfaction derived from groveling masses is a huge part of what we’re trying to accomplish here in the first place. Creating an intimidating Evil Supervillain name takes a sharp mind and a strong vocabulary … so I will do it for you. Simply follow the directions provided in my inconceivably evil Evil Name Generator:

  VORDAK THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE’S

  Inconceivably Evil Evil Name Generator

  Any Evil Supervillain name worth an aardvark’s patoot is made up of four parts, which I shall designate as part one, part two, part three, and part four. Try and keep up.

  Part One:

  Part one is, obviously, your first name. Not your current first name—that one is totally lame. Your parents chose it because it means “courageous friend” or “honorable son” or some such ridiculous thing. Or you may have been named after your grandparent or great-grandparent, in which case you have an old person’s name. Either way you are going to require something much more evil. To assure you don’t screw this up, I have provided you with the template below. Each and every letter shown has undergone stringent testing to assure its evilness. Take your time and be sure you are pleased with your selection. Remember—this is the name that will go on the inside of all your underwear waistbands.

  WARNING!! (AGAIN!!) DO NOT SOIL MY MASTERPIECE WITH YOUR SCATTERBRAINED SCRIBBLING!

  Make another photocopy.

  Part Two:

  The second part of your new name is the (pronounced “thee”). It is always the. Under no circumstances imaginable should it ever be anything other than the—never, never, ever! It absolutely, positively must be the.

  “What about Kenneth?”

  ACK! Perhaps you recognize my expression from the previous chapter! I am really beginning to hate my thought-anticipation powers.

  Part Three:

  Otherwise known as the third part, part three of your evil name is invisible and silent. It is not to be written or spoken under any circumstances ever. No one must know what it is, including you.

  Part Four:

  Now it is time to bring your new name home with a flourish, to let all the incompetent troglodytes who populate this planet know just what it is about you that makes you so vastly superior to them. Clearly, Incomprehensible is the single most awe-inspiring fourth part of an Evil Supervillain name ever conceived of. It is absolute perfection. Merriam-Webster defines it as follows:

  In-com-pre-hen-si-ble: having or subject to no limits, impossible to comprehend.

  That’s right—impossible! So don’t even try. Here are a few evil name fourth parts which I deem acceptably intimidating for you to use. If you wish to add a bit more extravagance, use two of them together, adding an “ly” to the end of the first (example: Unyieldingly Fearsome or Fearsomely Unyielding).

  Ruthless

  Fearsome

  Unmerciful

  Heartless

  Unaffectionate

  Omniscient

  Impatient

  Vengeful

  Obnoxious

  Diabolical

  Monumental

  Unrelenting

  Unjust

  Impure

  Uncompassionate

  Unyielding

  Unforgiving

  Magnificent

  Notice you don’t see Incomprehensible anywhere in this list. It goes without saying that you may not use Incomprehensible as part of your own Supervillain name. But I went ahead and said it anyway. That’s just how incomprehensible I am.

  Putting It All Together

  When you have decided on a name that you feel is sufficiently frightening, say, Zolnax the Unrelenting or Malzor the Unyieldingly Heartless, enter it on the form on the next page (and also on the Standard Evil Promise of Employment Agreement). Of course, you are also free to ignore my advice completely and select a name yourself—just don’t come crying to me when people aren’t lining up to bow at the feet of Doug the Mildly Unfriendly.

  That’s right! You’d better make a photocopy first!

  Even though, technically, your name is still “Kyle Witmeyer” or “George Jones” or “Shannon Peterman” (at least until you can legally change it on your eighteenth birthday), you should begin flaunting your new evil name as soon as possible. Practice speaking and reading it until it rolls off your tongue and leaps off the page. Then use it when introducing yourself and answering the phone (and don’t be afraid to throw in a bloodcurdling evil laugh every now and then). Write it on all of your stuff. Sign it on all of your school papers. And, perhaps most important, begin slipping it casually into everyday conversation:

  Wrong:

  “I’m thirsty. You want to go grab a Slurpee, Stanley?”

  Right:

  “I thirst! Accompany me, Mordax the Unmerciful, to 7-Eleven, you insignificant gastropod!”

  THE SUPERVILLAIN COSTUME

  I am a staunch believer in the “pretentious costume” approach to evil apparel. The more flamboyant the better. Others, including Lex Luthor and Dr. Evil, have managed to wreak planet-threatening havoc while wearing far less conspicuous attire. Is one style necessarily superior to the other? Of course—mine is, which is why I will be focusing primarily on pretentious costume design. Now, let’s take
a closer look at the major elements of your dastardly designer duds:

  A well-designed Supervillain costume serves to intimidate the hapless masses while also allowing the elusive evildoer to blend seamlessly into his surroundings when necessary.

  Color Scheme

  If you intend on becoming a seriously nasty Evil Supervillain, you have four basic options for your principal costume color:

  Bad guys wear black. That’s just how it is. Sure, you could try wearing a bright, colorful costume. You could also try eating a bucket of nails. Both would display the same level of intelligence on your part.

  You: “BEHOLD, WORTHLESS SCUM! I AM KARNOX THE UNYIELDING AND I DEMAND THAT YOU KNEEL BEFORE MY AWESOME MIGHT!”

  Worthless Scum: “DUDE, THOSE ARE SOME SERIOUSLY SWEET BLUE-AND-YELLOW THREADS YOU’VE GOT THERE. LET ME GUESS … YOU’RE A SUPERHERO, RIGHT?”

  You: “A SUPERHERO?! WOULD A SUPERHERO DEMAND THAT YOU KNEEL BEFORE HIS AWESOME MIGHT?”

  Worthless Scum: “IF HE’S STUCK UP, HE MIGHT. I DON’T KNOW—I’VE NEVER MET A REAL LIVE SUPERHERO LIKE YOU BEFORE.”

  You: “I’M NOT A SUPERHERO! A SUPERHERO CERTAINLY WOULDN’T REFER TO YOU AS WORTHLESS SCUM NOW, WOULD HE?!”

  Worthless Scum: “IF HE WAS PERCEPTIVE, HE MIGHT. I MEAN, I AM PRETTY LAZY WHEN YOU GET RIGHT DOWN TO IT.”

  You: “ENOUGH! I AM KARNOX THE UNYIELDING AND I INTEND TO CONQUER THIS PLANET AND RULE IT IN A HIGHLY EVIL MANNER!”

  Worthless Scum: “HEY! YOU LOOKING FOR A SIDEKICK? ALL THE SUPERHEROES HAVE ’EM, AND I’M NOT EXACTLY BUSY AT THE MOMENT.”

  You: “AAAARRGGHHHH!!”

  This doesn’t mean you can’t add a splash of color here and there to provide a bit of zip to your ensemble, but the predominant hue should be black. Black is the color of hopelessness, of despair, of oppression. Black is the corner of a basement in the dead of night, the space under the bed where the light doesn’t reach, the shadowy recesses of an unlit closet. Black represents the pall of darkness that your evil rule will cast over the planet. It is also quite slimming, particularly if you incorporate vertical stripes into your design.

  A white costume can make even the most fit of Supervillains appear a bit, umm, lumpy.

  Mask

  When it comes to cranial coverings, there are a number of options available. The following chart highlights the pros and cons of the most popular facial fashions:

  Clearly, the only headgear worthy of adorning the haughty head of an ambitious world-swallower is the illustrious helmet. The name of the game is intimidation, and your helmet must strike fear into all who gaze upon it. Practicality is not a consideration. Take my incredible Helmet of Disconcertment, for example. It’s heavy, hot in the summer, cold in the winter, difficult to see out of, and loud as heck when something hard clangs off it. But you must admit, the mere sight of its magnificent splendor causes your knees to buckle and your stomach to turn inside out* (seriously, admit it or put the book down right now). Plus, it has built-in speakers for my iPod.

  A well-designed, easily recognizable helmet will also allow you to cast terrifying shadows and create frightening doorway silhouettes, both of which will come in handy when you wish to make a dramatic entrance.

  EIGHTH COMMANDMENT OF INCOMPREHENSIBILITY

  Unless you plan on being a dairy-based Supervillain, avoid fashioning your helmet from a block of Limburger cheese.

  Cape

  Cape or no cape? That is the question. Cape. That is the answer. And here is why:

  CAUTION: Advanced logic is about to be applied. To avoid looking like a complete cabbagehead, say “Ah, yes” and nod understandingly after reading point number 4.

  1. Darth Vader wears a cape.

  2. The Riddler does not.

  3. Darth Vader is much more evil than the Riddler.

  4. Therefore, a cape makes a Supervillain more evil.

  Actually, a high-quality cape will make anyone more of whatever it is they already are. A Superhero will become more heroic, a magician will become more magical, a professional wrestler will become more … professional wrestlery—all simply by wearing a cape.

  Obviously, I am in favor of anything that will make you more evil. If standing on your head and farting the theme to SpongeBob SquarePants made you more evil,* I would tell you to do that, too. So a cape is a must. They come in all shapes and sizes, but I prefer mine to be long and flowing for dramatic effect. Nothing says “I am important” quite like sitting astride your horse atop a mountain peak while your cape blows majestically in the breeze—not that that particular opportunity comes along very often.

  Strong, steady breezes are great for majestic cape blowing. Sudden wind gusts, not so much.

  When worn properly, a cape will add a certain amount of flair and pizzazz to a Supervillain costume. And therein lies the key—it must be worn properly. Be prepared to spend many hours practicing to perfect the various flamboyant gestures and sweeping motions necessary to achieve the maximum benefit from your cape.

  NINTH COMMANDMENT OF INCOMPREHENSIBILITY

  When wearing a long, flowing cape, never let a bumbling oaf walk directly behind you.

  Boots

  As the saying goes, “You can tell a man by the shoes he wears.” Well, the same holds true for an insidiously evil man who hopes to someday RULE THE WORLD!!! Note how the elegant design of my own fantastic footwear alerts all to my magnificence. Regardless of the material or style of your boots, they should include a solid heel to generate intimidating sounds as you walk through the vast echoing hallways of your secret lair and a steel toe for added oomph when “booting” the hindquarters of a hapless henchman.

  Tip: Scented inserts will help absorb unfortunate yet unavoidable foot odor—it can get awful warm in those boots, especially if the soles house miniature propulsion jets.

  Gloves

  Gloves are an essential part of any Supervillain costume as they are on full display whenever you conduct dramatic hand gestures, which is pretty much all the time. Whether made of metal or highly advanced synthetic materials, your gloves must provide freedom of movement to push buttons, pull levers, turn dials, make fists, fire handheld weapons, and form the “No. 1” sign when you are caught on camera at a sporting event. They must also be of suitable construction to protect your hands from mishap. My own gloves are extremely flexible yet rugged enough to prevent biting injuries when I attempt to pet my dog, Armageddon. Stylistically, your gloves should complement your boots to some degree. Functionally, they need to be water, acid, lava, and booger repellent. They should also be sticky enough to improve your grip when dangling from a ledge or catwalk, but not too sticky to make everyday activities troublesome.

  Tip: You may choose to equip your gloves with energy beams, shrink rays, freeze rays, or other weaponry, but be forewarned—you will need to be extremely careful when going to the bathroom.

  Utility Belt

  Many Supervillains overlook the importance of the utility belt when designing their costumes. For example, this guy:

  That’s right—a utility belt not only holds things, it holds things up. I learned the value of a well-stocked utility belt years ago. Thirty-seven separate times I had Commander Virtue caught in the clutches of one of my diabolically clever yet extremely slow-acting death traps, only to see him yank some ridiculous little item out of his belt and free himself at the last moment. Needless to say, it didn’t take me thirty-eight to figure out that I, too, needed a utility belt. Now I have one of my own that I wear at all times, including in the shower (it’s where I keep my soap).

  Below you will find my Staggeringly Complete Utility Belt Contents Checklist, which you may use to supply your own belt with all the random items a true Master of Evil might find useful in a pinch. Obviously, the chubbier you are, the more storage compartments you will be able to fit on your belt.

  VORDAK THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE’S

  Staggeringly Complete Utility Belt Contents Checklist

  ❏ Utility knife

&n
bsp; ❏ Invisibility tablets

  ❏ Flashlight

  ❏ Cell phone

  ❏ Sulfuric acid

  ❏ Breath mints

  ❏ Band-aids

  ❏ Chapstick

  ❏ Toothbrush

  ❏ A Sharpie

  ❏ Needle and thread

  ❏ Compact death ray

  ❏ Spare batteries for compact

  ❏ death ray

  ❏ Moist towelettes

  ❏ Wallet

  ❏ Two live scorpions

  ❏ Aspirin

  ❏ 2x3 photograph of arch-nemesis

  ❏ Pretzels

  ❏ A spare utility belt

  ❏ A small mirror

  ❏ Deodorant

  ❏ Smoke pellets

  ❏ A magenta crayon

  ❏ Keys to lair

  ❏ iPod

  ❏ Kleenex

  ❏ Assortment of mini grenades

  ❏ Sunscreen

  ❏ Loose change for vending machines

  ❏ Poisonous gas capsules

  ❏ Starburst fruit chews

  Spare Costumes

  Remember to keep plenty of spare costumes on hand. You never know when battling a Superhero, feeding one of your dreadful creatures, conducting laser experiments, or engaging in some other dangerous activity might tear, soil, or otherwise damage your dastardly duds and make a quick change necessary.