How to Grow Up and Rule the World Read online

  The beam deflected off his chest directly back toward me and, without going into great detail, let’s just say I had to buy my underwear at GapKids for the next few months.

  That marked the beginning of a long and tiresome relationship. I would set the wheels of some nefarious scheme in motion—Commander Virtue would swoop in at the last minute to thwart it. Swoop and thwart. Swoop and thwart. Man, I hate that guy.

  Why Him and Why You?

  So just what is it that will cause a particular Superhero, an individual you may not even know, to become so obsessed with stopping you at every turn? There are any number of possible reasons, most of which aren’t even your fault, including:

  • You unwittingly kidnapped his mother/grandmother/sister/girlfriend/dog while collecting hostages to ransom for billions of dollars in gold bullion. (Not your fault.)

  • You unknowingly leveled his secret headquarters while clearing land for the construction of your fabulous new lair. (Not your fault.)

  • You accidentally disintegrated his entire hometown while demonstrating the awesome power of your latest doomsday device. (Not your fault.)

  • You mocked his appearance before the entire world, saying you haven’t seen an outfit that tight since Lance Armstrong let Jack Black borrow his biking shorts. (Okay, this one is probably your fault.)

  TENTH COMMANDMENT OF INCOMPREHENSIBILITY

  Never wear someone else’s biking shorts unless they have been washed first.

  As far as which one of these actions may have spurred Commander Virtue to latch on to me with such vigor I can’t really say, seeing as I did them all.

  Communicating with Your Arch-Nemesis

  If there is one thing a Superhero enjoys more than anything about battling a Supervillain, it’s the clever dialogue. Well, he probably enjoys punching the Supervillain repeatedly in the face a bit more, but that’s it … aside from trashing the Supervillain’s lair. And maybe beating up his henchmen. But clever dialogue is definitely right up there.

  Since you will be facing off against your own arch-nemesis with great frequency, it is important that you learn to hold your own in the verbal arena and not become trapped in his web of clichés. Take the following example of a cliché-filled exchange between a Supervillain and his arch-nemesis:

  STOP RIGHT THERE, SCOUNDREL!

  I’VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU.

  YOUR DAYS OF VILLAINY ARE OVER!

  I’M AFRAID YOU’RE TOO LATE!

  IT’S NEVER TOO LATE … FOR JUSTICE!

  SOON THE WORLD WILL BE MINE!

  NOT ON MY WATCH! TAKE THAT!

  OUCH!

  AND THAT!

  OOOMF!

  AND THAT!

  AAACK!

  HAD ENOUGH, EVIL ONE?

  HA! IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO?

  TRY THIS ON FOR SIZE!

  UUGHH! OKAY! ENOUGH! I GIVE UP!

  CRIME DOES NOT PAY!

  I GUESS NOT. JUST LET ME GRAB MY CAPE.

  IT’S OVER THERE BY THE ESCAPE POD.

  NOT SO FAST!

  DRAT! FOILED AGAIN!

  SO, YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD OUTSMART ME!

  YES, AND I WOULD HAVE, TOO, IF IT WEREN’T FOR THOSE MEDDLING KIDS!

  Notice how things turn out poorly for the Supervillain. Things always turn out poorly for the Supervillain when he foolishly tries to engage his Superheroic adversary in standard, cliché-filled rhetoric. Superheroes excel at this kind of thing. It’s the only way they know how to talk. It’s up to you, as the Supervillain in the room, to mix things up in order to knock that haughty hero off his stride. For example:

  STOP RIGHT THERE, SCOUNDREL!

  I’VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU.

  YOUR DAYS OF VILLAINY ARE OVER!

  YUP. YOU GOT ME. GREAT WORK.

  WOULD YOU CARE FOR A MANGO SMOOTHIE?

  IT’S NEVER TOO LATE FOR JUS … HUH?

  A MANGO SMOOTHIE. THEY’RE DELICIOUS! WOULD YOU LIKE ONE?

  NOT ON MY WATCH! TAKE THAT!

  OW! HEY! WHAT’D YOU DO THAT FOR?

  SORRY. HABIT, I GUESS.

  WELL, YOU ALMOST KNOCKED THE SMOOTHIE OUT OF MY HAND, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

  MANGO, YOU SAY?

  YESSIREE.

  I LIKE MANGOS.

  WELL, THEN, HERE YOU GO!

  MMM! THIS IS DELICIOUS!

  INDEED!

  SAY, I’M BEGINNING TO FEEL A BIT DROWSY …

  INDEED!

  LET ME GUESS—YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE SMOOTHIE, I’M GOING TO PASS OUT, AND YOU’RE GOING TO PUT ME IN ONE OF YOUR DIABOLICALLY CLEVER YET EXTREMELY SLOW-ACTING DEATH TRAPS, RIGHT?

  INDEED!

  DRAT.

  Note the difference. If, for some reason, you just don’t feel truly evil unless you utter a few clichés yourself, wait until after your arch-nemesis has been secured in your diabolically clever yet extremely slow-acting death trap. You may then throw a few out there as you reveal the details of your nefarious scheme per regulation 7.1b of the Superhero/Supervillain Official Rules of Etiquette*:

  drop him on top of his head repeatedly until such time as he remembers.

  Regulation 7.1b—In the event a Supervillain subdues a Superhero, said Supervillain must reveal the complete details of his evil plan to said Superhero prior to “disposing of” him/her. This may be accomplished either through direct dialogue between the two parties or by allowing the Superhero to eavesdrop on the Supervillain as he summarizes his plans via an egotistical rant to no one in particular. Should said Superhero subsequently manage to escape, he or she is free to use this information as he or she sees fit.

  Regulation 7.1c—In the event both a Superhero and his sidekick are captured simultaneously, they must be secured back to back in a manner which allows the sidekick access to the Superhero’s utility belt. This will provide the Superhero a fair chance to

  A Quick Word About Sidekicks

  As difficult as this may be to believe, there is actually a living organism on this planet that irritates me more than the Superhero.

  “Do you mean … me?”

  All right—two living organisms. And the other one is the Superhero sidekick, a pint-sized pain in the rear who is just like a real Superhero except that he’s younger, smaller, and doesn’t have any superpowers. He still wears a costume, but it’s not … now how shall I put this … as “rugged” as that worn by his grown-up counterpart (think Peter Pan booties). His fighting ability is about the equal of two henchmen, and his vocabulary consists mostly of exclamations like “Holy Moly!” “Gee Whiz!” and “Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat!”

  Not every Superhero has a sidekick, but those who do keep them around for three reasons:

  1. To warn the Superhero that a Supervillain is sneaking up on him from behind.

  2. To help the Superhero escape from the grasp of diabolically clever yet extremely slow-acting death traps.

  3. To wash and wax the SuperMobile.

  On the plus side, they make excellent hostages. There is no stronger bait with which to lure a Superhero into your clutches than a kidnapped sidekick.

  “How come Supervillains don’t usually have sidekicks?”

  Because we would just kidnap them. It’s what we do.

  That concludes the chapter on Superheroes. Now that you have read it, I am sure you will agree that its pages contain nearly unimaginable amounts of wisdom. Close the book and put it in a safe place for a few days before beginning the chapter on lairs—it is equally remarkable and I am afraid that reading the chapters back to back will cause your head to explode. It may, anyway. If so, e-mail me and I will send you a robotic replacement head (indicate size: S, M, or L).

  “Pardon me,

  Your Evil Incomprehensibleness,

  but could you give us just one final tip for defeating Superheroes before we proceed to the next chapter?”

  Very well. You have behaved yourself fairly well since that little mishap at the beginning of the chapter, so I present you with …

  Just One Final Tip for De
feating Superheroes Before We Proceed to the Next Chapter

  Mock the Superhero’s name during battle. If you are fighting The Mighty Trooper, for example, you might call him The Mighty Pooper. Skylark would be Skidmark, Commander Comet would be Commander Vomit, and so on. This lack of respect really ticks them off and often causes them to come unglued.

  * YES, IN THIS EXAMPLE YOU ARE THE POOP—AND DESERVEDLY SO.

  * OR THUNDER CLAP

  * THIS SET OF REGULATIONS WAS AGREED UPON DURING A SECRET MEETING HELD MANY YEARS AGO. UNFORTUNATELY, THE HEROES WERE REPRESENTED IN THAT MEETING BY CAPTAIN ATTORNEY, RESULTING IN RULES SUCH AS REGULATION 7.1B, WHICH HAS BURNED ME MORE TIMES THAN I CARE TO REMEMBER.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  The EVIL Lair

  If you wish to be taken seriously as an Evil Supervillain, and the very fact that you are reading this titanic tome tells me you do, you must have a lair. This heinous hideout will serve as your headquarters for worldwide evil operations. Within its confines you will hatch your sinister schemes, utter ulcer-inducing ultimatums, create wickedly warped weapons, punish ham-handed henchmen, and take noteworthy naps—not to mention hold hapless heroes captive in your diabolically clever yet extremely slow-acting death traps.

  TOP SECRET OR LOUD AND PROUD

  Perhaps the trickiest decision facing any hopeful EVIL RULER OF THE WORLD is whether to keep the location of his lair a secret or to include an awe-inspiring likeness of himself somewhere in its design. I have always leaned toward the “awe-inspiring likeness” side of things but, then again, with a likeness such as mine, who wouldn’t? Here are a few photographs that demonstrate what I am talking about. I inhabited these incomparable strongholds during my “national landmark” lair phase. Feel free to gaze upon them in disbelief— I certainly do.

  Palace of Westminster— Big Ben

  This stylish lair had a great location in the heart of London. Unfortunately, no one informed me that it had a huge bell in it, and the repeated clanging forced me to relocate.

  Eiffel Tower

  This enormous edifice of evil was probably my most graceful lair. Also my least well thought through— I realized shortly after moving in that the tower actually has no interior.

  Mount Rushmore

  Had I succeeded in taking over the world while headquartered here, I had planned to transform the other three heads to my likeness, as well.

  Statue of Liberty

  Plotting the enslavement of humanity from within the bowels of the world’s best-known monument to freedom—oh, the delicious irony!

  Great Sphinx

  I don’t know what I was thinking here—I mean, it’s smack dab in the middle of the desert, for crying out loud.

  So, as you can see, secrecy has never been a big deal for me. Some have said that is why my repeated attempts to conquer the world have fizzled flopped bombed failed miserably come up just a wee bit short, but I still insist it was due to circumstances that were completely beyond my control.

  THE STARTER LAIR

  Now, are you going to be able to run right out and build yourself a lair as glorious as those you have just witnessed? Of course not. You are just a sniveling, whiny little goober, after all. But you do need to begin plotting your evil schemes as soon as possible, so you are going to need some sort of lair right away.

  I would suggest you start out with something basic, like your bedroom:

  With some minor alterations, you can have a bedroom lair up and running in no time. Then, once your career in evil begins to pick up steam, you will be able to upgrade gradually to more fiendishly magnificent command posts, as I did:

  VORDAK THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE’S

  Evil Lair Gradual Upgrade Chart

  “Okay, but how will I know when it’s time to move into a bigger lair? Do you have a list of four signs or something that you could share?”

  A list of four signs is exactly what I have! You obviously looked ahead and for that you will pay most dearly. Write I am unworthy of Vordak’s incomprehensible wisdom fifty thousa4nd times, one sentence per page and mail it to me IMMEDIATELY! Only then may you stare in breathless wonder at:

  VORDAK THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE’S

  Four Signs That You May Have Outgrown Your Current Lair

  1. There is a long line outside the only henchman-punishment chamber.

  2. You have to add a card table to the end of your Conference Table of Iniquity in order to seat everyone.

  3. Your Supervillains are sleeping in bunk beds.

  4. Your current lair looks like this:

  There, now wasn’t that worth the hand cramps?

  CHOOSING THE LAIR THAT’S RIGHT FOR YOU

  Once you have carried out a few evil schemes, spread a fair amount of misfortune, and made a bit of a name for yourself, it will be time to move into a truly sinister lair worthy of your ever-expanding evil. But what type will you choose? Should your lair be belowground or above? And if above, how far above? Should it be mobile or firmly rooted in place? Should you enter your lair through a door or through a giant clown’s mouth? You have a number of options, which I have taken a great deal of my valuable time to outline for you below:

  The Abominable Abandoned Waterfront Factory

  Located in the heart of henchman breeding grounds, abandoned waterfront factories provide plenty of space for vehicles, weapons, and banks of supercomputers. They usually come prefurnished with a maze of catwalks to use during daring escapes, dangerous machinery that may easily be converted into Superhero death traps, and barrels of toxic waste that may be used to create horrific sludge monsters or to dip unsatisfactory henchmen into. They do tend to be a bit drafty in the winter, so you may wish to keep a sweater handy.

  The Ominously Orbiting Space Station

  If you happen to be a death-ray kind of guy (and what Supervillain isn’t, really?), the space-based lair is perfectly situated to rain destructive beams of all shapes and sizes across the Earth’s surface—while also offering spectacular views of the devastation. But that kind of fun does not come cheap: a fully equipped orbiting space lair can cost tens of billions of dollars, and that doesn’t include toilet paper. Tip: If you decide to go this route, e-mail me and I’ll show you how to rig your tsunami-beam energy collector to pick up HBO.

  The Medieval Mountaintop Stronghold

  One of the true classics in evil lairdom. Its timeless stone construction makes it a popular choice to hand down from evil generation to evil generation. Dungeons abound, so you’ll have plenty of space to imprison hostages and Superheroes awaiting placement in diabolically clever yet extremely slow-acting death traps. This impenetrable stronghold also comes with a moat that you can fill with your choice of crocodiles, piranhas, or body-dissolving liquids. Note: Climbing the steps to the entrance can be exhausting at times, especially if you are carrying groceries.

  The Mysterious Moon Base

  If you are looking for a quiet spot to relax and plot the downfall of humanity, you might consider constructing a futuristic moon base. You’ll have plenty of room to expand, and the continuous view of the Earth will help keep you focused on the task at hand. And if your plans include the total destruction of a significant portion of the planet, you will be safely tucked away in a cozy crater some 240,000 miles away. The only drawback, and it’s a minor one, is that the moon has no atmosphere, so if your oxygen generator breaks down, you will die a horrible, painful, agonizing, ghastly death.

  The Insidious Submarine

  If you are intent upon seizing control of the world’s oceans and don’t mind eating fish sticks three times a day, the submarine lair may be just the ticket. Loaded to the gills with torpedoes, missiles, and other state-of-the-art weaponry, this submerged sanctuary will allow you to terrorize seagoing vessels the world over. Tip: Due to the recycling of air aboard the ship, I highly recommend that you institute a strict no-farting policy among the crew.

  The Villainous Volcanic Island

  Perhaps you are interested in a remote refuge w
here you will be free to perform your genetic experiments away from the bright lights of civilization. Well, here is just what the diabolical doctor ordered. Uncharted and brimming with test subjects island natives, the volcanic island lair is the perfect home base for your evil experimental endeavors. It also makes a great vacation lair. Note: These lairs are a lot more difficult to come by than you might think—it isn’t easy finding an island with both a dormant volcano and a skull-shaped cave entrance that isn’t also inhabited by a hundred-foot-tall gorilla.

  The Uncanny Underwater Dome

  If your plans for world domination include unleashing titanic tidal waves across the globe, I suggest looking into this deep-sea domicile due to its easy access to fault lines running along the ocean floor.

  On the negative side, if the dome suffers even the tiniest crack, it will collapse upon itself and the resulting pressure will crush your head like a deflated soccer ball.

  The Sinister Skyscraper Penthouse

  Its prime location in the heart of the crowded city makes this soaring sanctum an excellent lair choice for those of you wishing to experiment with mind control or mass hypnosis. If you decide to go this route, make sure your lair has a large balcony so you can bombard the bustling bodies below with water balloons and loogies. If Secrecy Is a Must: Most Superheroes also live in the city, so I strongly urge you to keep an unlisted phone number.

  The Glorious Gothic Cathedral

  I, myself, once used an abandoned Gothic cathedral as my lair for close to three years. With its towering spires, intricately carved stonework, and spectacular stained-glass windows, it was truly a magnificent spectacle—much like myself. And its enormous rooms and soaring ceilings offered me plenty of space to store my many weapons, vehicles, and Evil Supervillain of the Year statuettes.