How to Grow Up and Rule the World Read online

  “On the off chance that I’m not the only person who bought this book, how can more than one of us become the ruler of the world at the same time? And if some other ambitious evildoer does beat me to it, am I entitled to a refund?”

  Why, you sound like a whiny little ingrate!

  THIRD COMMANDMENT OF INCOMPREHENSIBILITY

  Crush any whiny little ingrates you happen to stumble across. I mean literally crush them. I have found that a 1993 Honda Accord dropped from a retrofitted army surplus helicopter will accomplish the task quite satisfactorily.

  FOURTH COMMANDMENT OF INCOMPREHENSIBILITY

  NO REFUNDS—EVER!

  Alas, I grow weary of responding to your blabbering, even when it offers me the opportunity to rave about myself. The previous question represents a clear decline in intelligence, even for you, which is disappointing but hardly surprising. I have, therefore, decided to end my introduction here.

  *WHEN I STATE THAT SOMETHING IS “OBVIOUS,” I MEAN, OF COURSE, THAT IT IS OBVIOUS TO ME. YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, WILL SIMPLY HAVE TO TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.

  CHAPTER ONE

  Bringing Out the EVIL

  I grew up in a corrupt, vengeful, spite-filled environment of extreme wickedness and unspeakable evil. Not everyone was as fortunate. Since a blackened soul is a must for becoming the EVIL RULER OF THE WORLD, hopeful planetary tyrants will need to bring their own deep-seeded diabolism to the forefront.

  In this chapter I will make an attempt, which will no doubt prove successful, to develop or “grow” the evil that exists like a boil inside of you and everyone else. That’s right—everyone. It may not be much at the moment, but with the proper pricking and scratching, that little boil of evil will be transformed into an infected sore of evil, a rotting, oozing, stinking, dripping … Well, you get the idea. Actually, knowing you, you probably don’t.

  As a matter of fact; I can sense you whining and sniveling already:

  “Oh, yeah? What about Santa? Santa isn’t evil. Santa doesn’t have an evil bone in his entire jolly old body.”

  Oh, really? Tell me, what would you call someone who:

  a) commands easily frightened little toy-makers who have no other career options if they wish to remain in their North Pole homeland?

  b) leaves ponies and Jet Skis and solid gold Xbox 360s under the tree for children from extremely wealthy families who already have all that stuff anyway, while your meager haul of presents consists mainly of underwear?

  c) has only one suit … which he wears every day … which means Mrs. Santa has to wash it every night?

  I’ll tell you what I call him—an evil genius! And he has you completely bamboozled (big surprise, there). Any other examples of purity and goodness you would like to throw out there?

  Well, how about Mr. Quimby? He owns the ice cream shop in town. He’s a super nice guy and he gives away all his ice cream for FREE!

  Ah, yes. Mr. Quimby. Did you know his first name is Vlad?

  Care to try again? (Hint: Correct answer = no)

  “No, I guess not …”

  No, I guess not who?

  “No, I guess not, your evil incomprehensibleness.”

  That is truly pathetic! Try again, this time in a lettering style worthy of my immense immensity and overall ginormousness.

  “No, I guess not,

  Your Evil Incomprehensibleness.”

  Well, then, it looks like we finally agree that everyone has at least a small measure of evil within them. Perhaps next time you won’t waste my valuable time arguing. I realize you have nothing better to do, but consider that your insolence has wasted nearly an entire page—space I had originally intended to use to teach you how to transform Cheerios into gold using an ordinary vacuum cleaner. Ah, well—your loss.

  FIFTH COMMANDMENT OF INCOMPREHENSIBILITY

  Arguing with Vordak the Incomprehensible will result in a decided shortage of gold on your part.

  On the bright side, you will have more Cheerios.

  The challenge now becomes to increase that evil to the monumental level necessary to become the RULER OF THE WORLD! MUAHAHAHAHA! Perhaps you have noticed that no one currently rules the world, even though there are plenty of bad guys out there who would give their mother’s right arm to do so. Do you know what these bad guys lack that keeps them from RULING THE WORLD? Extreme Villainy In Large Quantities, or EVILQ, which, if we take away the Q, leaves us with EVIL, which is what we’re talking about here. The truth is, even the worst of the so-called “evil masterminds” just aren’t evil enough to take over the world. This is great news for you, as it leaves the door to planetary domination wide open.

  So, how does one become more evil? By making others’ lives miserable. That’s really all evil is—saying or doing something that brings misery to others. And every evil act you commit will serve to aggravate that boil of evil a little bit more until it ultimately consumes you, at which point the world will be within your grasp.

  Think of yourself as a container that you will need to fill with evil in order to eventually RULE THE WORLD! Right now you probably have only a little bit of evil in you—say, up to your ankles. Every villainous act you commit will add a bit more evil to the container, raising the level ever so slightly until it eventually reaches the top of your head. At this point, assuming no leakage through your ears, your brain will be completely immersed in evil, thus corrupting your every thought, word, and deed. This will take a long time and will require a great deal of evildoing, but the result will be a diabolical scoundrel capable of conquering the planet. And, yes, I just knew this next question was coming:

  “What if I hang upside down? Then all the evil will flow into my head and cover my brain much sooner.”

  You no doubt consider this a brilliant observation on your part. Unfortunately, there are two problems with your plan:

  1. Hanging upside down long enough will cause your head to explode.

  2. Which will make it extremely difficult to read the remainder of my book.

  As with anything worth achieving, the road to all-encompassing evil has no shortcuts.

  COMMITTING ACTS OF EVIL

  As I pointed out earlier, for an act to be considered truly evil it must inflict misery or misfortune on others—both if things go just right. Therefore, a particular phrase may or may not be evil, depending on the circumstances. For example:

  NOT EVIL

  “Wow! You are one fat cow. I’ll bet the butcher can’t wait to get ahold of you!”

  EVIL

  “Wow! You are one fat cow. I’ll bet the butcher can’t wait to get ahold of you!”

  The same holds true for actions:

  This action, by itself, is not evil.

  You have probably noticed that this page is printed upside down. You also probably assumed this was a mistake on my part (your insolence has been duly noted).

  Well, you assumed wrong!

  I did it intentionally so that anyone who sees you holding your book upside down will naturally assume you possess the brains of a turnip. Now you feel like a complete ignoramus, which means that I, Vordak the Incomprehensible, have executed yet another staggeringly eff ective act of evil. And I must admit, doing so still makes me feel all tingly inside!

  Obviously, I do not expect you to devise such works of brilliance right off the bat (if ever), but you need to start spreading misery immediately if I am to have any hope of your becoming evil enough to rule the world during my lifetime. For this reason, I have included a sampling of my highly sought-after “three ways to” series of evil plots, plans, and schemes, many of which I, myself, put to use as a youngster. These will allow you to begin building your inner evil right away while you continue to devise your own dastardly deeds for later use.

  VORDAK THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE’S

  Three Ways to Make a Girl Scout Cry

  1. Tell her that her uniform makes her butt look big.

  2. Inform her that Justin Bieber thinks she’s ugly.

  3. When no on
e is looking, use a Sharpie to alter the cookie boxes in her sales display.

  VORDAK THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE’S

  Three Ways to Ruin a Field Trip to the Zoo

  1. Sneak onto the bus early and superglue all the windows shut. Then make sure that Arnie “the Armpit” Kradmeister, who showers only on national holidays, sits directly in front of the heater.

  2. Beg your teacher to perform her very best baby seal impression. Then use your handheld matter transmitter to immediately teleport her into the polar bear exhibit.

  3. Relocate the sign for the petting zoo to a more “interesting” location.

  VORDAK THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE’S

  Three Ways to Make Your Little Brother Look Like an Idiot

  1. Volunteer to help him get dressed in the morning.

  2. Weld the handlebars on his tricycle so they no longer turn and aim him directly at a telephone pole.

  3. Teach him that the word for shoes is “poop.”

  “I gots poop on my feet! I gots lots more poop in my closet, too!”

  VORDAK THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE’S

  Three Ways to Torment the Elderly

  1. Sneak into your local nursing home when everyone is asleep and mix up all the false teeth.

  2. Tell them how easy they had things when they were kids.

  3. Place signs offering free meals in strategic locations throughout the community.

  VORDAK THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE’S

  Special Bonus Surefire Way to Make Your Mother Pass Out

  Disclaimer: If you are stupid enough to actually stick the fork into the electric outlet, your run toward world domination will be a short one.

  Additional Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any injury your buttocks may sustain due to forceful and repeated contact with your mother’s shoe when she finds out you are uninjured.

  While you are building your evil on the inside, it is also important to evilize your outward appearance. You want the hapless troglodytes who populate this planet to know you reek of evil even if you don’t happen to be doing anything diabolical at the moment.

  THE EVIL LAUGH!

  You have no doubt noticed that I embellish statements of particularly high diabolicalness with a spine-tingling laugh of pure unadulterated evil. It tends to be somewhat overused within today’s Evil Masterminding community, but, when delivered correctly, the evil laugh still has the ability to make anyone, from the most insignificant slug to the most powerful world leader, soil their trousers in fear.

  Regardless of the age of the cackler, a well-practiced evil laugh can transform even a perfectly ordinary phrase into a sinister statement of unimaginable evil. Take the following harmless comment:

  “I’m going to take my bike out for a spin.”

  No big deal, right? Well, look with dread at what happens when we include a well-rehearsed evil laugh:

  “I’m going to take my bike out for a spin. MUAHAHAHAHA!!! ”

  It now becomes obvious to anyone within earshot that your little excursion will include kicking over garbage cans, running small children down from behind, and tossing flaming torches onto neighborhood rooftops.

  Along with your costume (Chapter 2—and don’t even think of looking ahead), your evil laugh will go a long way toward determining just how seriously the rest of the world takes you as a would-be planetary conqueror. Therefore, you must begin developing it immediately. In a moment I will demand that you laugh loudly, clearly, and evilly directly into the highly advanced, two-dimensional, page-mounted transmitter I have provided below (yet another publishing first). It is linked directly into my helmet’s likewise highly advanced communications system, allowing me to analyze your laugh and provide you with constructive feedback. Okay, commence evil laughter … now!

  … I’m sorry.* Commence means begin. I should have made that clear.† So, let’s try this again—commence (begin) evil laughter … now!

  … I’m still not hearing anything … and I’m fairly certain I know what the problem is.

  SIXTH COMMANDMENT OF INCOMPREHENSIBILITY

  When attempting to communicate using a highly advanced, two-dimensional, page-mounted transmitter, it helps a great deal to push the ON button first.

  Well, go back to the transmitter and turn it on—and don’t fiddle with the other switches! Then, lean in real close and try again. And speak up, for zounds’ sake! Don’t worry if bystanders give you odd looks—you will have plenty of time to deal with them once you RULE THE WORLD! MUAHAHAHA!

  … Well, that is truly odd. I still can’t hear you. I wonder what the problem could possibly be now …

  SEVENTH COMMANDMENT OF INCOMPREHENSIBILITY

  There is no such thing as a highly advanced, two-dimensional, page-mounted transmitter.*

  * YOU IMBECILE

  YES! That is twice now that I have made you look like a complete dolt in this chapter alone. Zounds, I love being evil! Zounds, I am so darned good at it! Zounds, I love saying “zounds”! I’m tempted to clone myself right now just so I can pat myself on the back. Could you possibly have doubts any longer that I am the right choice to teach you the ways of Evil Mastermindery?

  Now, where were we? Ah, yes—evil laughter. An evil laugh is a very personal attribute. Like snowflakes, no two are exactly alike. Also like a snowflake, it is capable of sending a shiver down the spine. Unlike a snowflake, you can’t form a bunch of evil laughs into a ball and hit someone in the back of the head with it. You should practice your laugh in front of a mirror until you find a stance and sound that you are comfortable with.

  Here are a few tips:

  Evil Laughter Tips

  • Hands should be on hips or rolled into fists and thrust in the air, never in your pockets.

  • Tilting your head back will open up your throat, giving your evil laugh a crisper, cleaner sound.

  • No snorting. Your laugh will lose its effectiveness and you are likely to attract hogs.

  EVIL MANNERS

  I assume you were taught to be polite as a show of respect for others. Well, as an Evil Mastermind you don’t have any respect for others because there are no others worthy of your respect. You are superior to those around you, and you had better start acting like it. For example:

  • Never ask—demand!

  No

  “Pardon me, Miss Shtorberhausen, but may I please be excused to use the restroom?”

  Yes

  “Attention, Miss Shtorberhausen and insignificant members of the seventh-grade social-studies class at Robert High Jr. Junior High. I will be taking a brief leave of absence to tend to personal matters that are of no concern to you. You will refrain from engaging in any instructive activities until such point as I return to the classroom. That is all.”

  • Never say “thank you”—rather, berate the individual for a job poorly done!

  Classmate:

  “EXCUSE ME, YOU DROPPED THIS BOOK WHEN YOU WERE CLOSING YOUR LOCKEr.”

  You:

  No

  “OH, THANK YOU!”

  Yes

  “WHAT?! YOU SAW THE BOOK FALL FROM MY HAND, YET DID NOT SACRIFICE YOURSELF BY DIVING TO CATCH IT BEFORE IT TOUCHED THE FLOOR?! SEE HOW SMALL DUST PARTICULATES NOW CLING TO ITS COVER? YOU WILL CLEAN IT THOROUGHLY AND RETURN IT TO ME PRIOR TO FIFTH PERIOD OR SUFFER DIRE CONSEQUENCES INDEED!”

  THE MANY FACES OF EVIL

  You should also work to perfect the many evil facial expressions you will be called upon to exhibit during a typical day of wickedness and persecution. Here are a few that I have developed to the point of perfection over the years:

  1. Enraged Astonishment that some impudent worm has dared to question you.

  2. Diabolical Glee at seeing an evil plan come together.

  3. Devious Anticipation for the unveiling of your latest doomsday device.

  4. Disappointment on realizing that there is no one on this planet to challenge you.

  5. Fury that your teleportation device went on the fritz midway through transporting you to your v
acation lair in Hawaii.

  6. Smugness in knowing that Commander Virtue is standing directly over a hidden trapdoor that you will momentarily activate, thereby plummeting him into a tank of angry piranhas.

  7. Exasperation upon learning that the piranhas weren’t all that angry after all—in fact, they were rather pleasant, allowing Commander Virtue to escape through the tank’s filter.

  8. Frustration that wearing an iron helmet makes it difficult to show frustration.

  So, Are You Evil Enough to Rule the World Yet?

  Well, there is only one way to find out. When you have completed this chapter, go back to the introduction and retake my Evil Aptitude Exam. If you achieve a high enough score, you may proceed to Chapter 2. If not, I will meet you back at the beginning of this chapter and we will go through everything again. On second thought, you can go through it again by yourself. If I become any more evil, I’ll burst.