Gaslighting Read online

  If your boss says he doesn’t believe the gaslighter would do something like this, document that, the date and time and content of his response.

  If your boss says you need to work it out with your coworker first, tell him you’ve tried and found the other person volatile, and that trying to work things out seems like it would make it worse. Show him your documentation of what the gaslighter has been doing.

  If your gaslighter is the boss, or if you have no superiors or human resources department to turn to, seek legal advice or contact the EEOC. For information on legal services and the EEOC, see the Resources section at the end of this book.

  At the very least, ask to move to a different cubicle or office, as far away from the gaslighter as possible.

  Do Not Drink at Office Parties

  At office parties and other social events related to work, refrain from drinking. Getting even a little bit sloppy will give a gaslighter prime opportunities to victimize you, whether it is by stealing from you, lying about your behavior, or even assaulting you. If you feel you need a drink in your hand to “blend” at the party, get a seltzer water with lime. It looks like a gin and tonic, and no one will be the wiser. If someone does ask you why you’re not drinking, say you’re the designated driver or that you are taking antibiotics and can’t drink. Better yet, say you just don’t feel like it.

  Another reason not to drink at the office party is that you may be more tempted or likely to tell the gaslighter off—and this will not end well for you. Remember this. You will never win a fight with gaslighters. They welcome fights—they feed off the energy. Also, if gaslighters make up a story about your “outrageous” behavior toward them at an office party, if you have been drinking it unfortunately adds credibility to their lies.

  Document, Document, Document

  Keep notes about your interaction with gaslighters. As you read earlier in this chapter, documentation is essential if you need to report their behavior to your employer or the EEOC. If you consult an attorney, you will be asked for documentation. In your documentation, include:

  Date of the event

  Time of the event

  Who was present

  What was said (use direct quotes as much as possible)

  What behaviors occurred

  Keep this information on a personal device, rather than a work-issued one. If you are fired from your job, your device will be taken from you, and now your employer has your documentation. Do not discuss gaslighters’ behavior with others via texts on a work-issued phone, or via workplace e-mail. In addition, keep this documentation password-protected.

  Find Employment Elsewhere

  One of the most effective ways of distancing yourself from a workplace gaslighter is to change jobs. You may need to leave your employer or, depending on your type of work and size of company, you may be able to transfer to another department or job site or location within the company. While this is by far not the easiest solution, it gets you away from the root of the problem. If you have brought your concerns to your employer and it doesn’t appear that the gaslighter will be demoted or terminated, consider leaving. While this is far from fair, keep in mind that gaslighters continue ramping up their behavior. In other words, it will only get worse.

  You may feel that by your quitting or changing your job, a gaslighter has “won.” However, this is not the case. You have won, because you have removed yourself from a toxic environment. A gaslighter in the office can be a result of a system-wide problem. If you followed the company’s guidelines for reporting unwanted behavior and the gaslighter is still working there, that might be proof enough that you work in a toxic work environment. Better to get out than to continue to suffer.

  If you are unsure if your rights have been violated, consult with an attorney who specializes in labor law. An attorney can tell you what your workplace rights are and if your experience violates any laws. For more information on your workplace rights, see the Resources section at the end of this chapter.

  If You Are an Employer

  If you are an employer, check in with your employees on a regular basis. Have a written code of conduct and standard operating procedures (SOPs) regarding harassment in the workplace. Your SOPs should include the steps an employee should take to report harassment, as well as a clear guarantee that there will be no retaliation. Your investigation of a harassment claim should be done immediately after a complaint is filed, and completed in an unbiased way. For more information on how you can protect your company and your employees from harassment and establish guidelines in cases of harassment, see the Resources section in the back of this book, or contact the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

  IN THIS CHAPTER, we’ve looked at how gaslighters target others in the workplace, including issues of sexual harassment. In the next chapter, we’ll take a closer look at this and also how gaslighting is often a part of violence and domestic abuse.

  5

  YOU, TOO

  Sexual Harassment, Violence, Domestic Abuse, and Gaslighters

  MORE ATTENTION HAS BEEN DRAWN TO SEXUAL HARASSMENT RECENTLY, and that in turn has drawn more attention to domestic violence. Gaslighters are perpetrators of both. Manipulation and control are a way of life for gaslighters, and they try to take everyone down with them. Whether you are experiencing harassment at work, home, or in dating, it is a very real (and continuing phenomenon) that has resulted in victims being questioned as to whether they were really harassed, and also being discredited for speaking out. Domestic violence perpetrators use gaslighting as a way to convince their victims that they are crazy, and no one will believe them if they report that they are being abused. This continues a cycle of escalating abuse that sometimes leads to death.

  #METOO

  Although the #MeToo hashtag phenomenon began in 2017 on social media due to allegations against movie producer Harvey Weinstein, the actual Me Too movement was started by Tarana Burke in 2005. Harassment by gaslighters has been occurring for a very long time, with women the usual target. The disclosures of Weinstein’s alleged abuse have made it safer for other women to come forward and disclose sometimes years of abuse they suffered by Weinstein and other gaslighters. In the case of Weinstein, these allegations went back three decades, including to a settlement in 1990, yet just now, in 2017, were these stories fulling coming to light.

  Why don’t victims come forward earlier? Gaslighters who harass others tend to have quite a bit of power. When victims have come forward, they have been told they will be ruining their career, their family, and/or their reputation by coming forward. They have even been threatened with harm, and their families threatened with harm. And there is the classic “No one will believe you anyway.”

  While we don’t yet know whether there has been an overall decrease in harassment since 2017’s #MeToo movement, we do know that more victims are speaking out. Women (and men) have endured harassment for many years, and many victims still do not feel comfortable disclosing their abuse.

  We have reached the point in society where it is safer to come out into the light and speak your truth than stay quiet and ashamed for something that is not your fault. However, we still have a long way to go. Speaking out about it is a huge step, but now we need to put into place both parameters to reduce and hopefully eliminate harassment, and measures to provide serious consequences to those that do harass.

  We also need to have a clear definition of harassment. You or someone you know may have been told that it wasn’t harassment because you had flirted with that person previously. Or if drinking or drug use is involved, that you “set yourself up” to be harassed or abused. Let me make this very clear: No one “asks” to be harassed or abused. If you are not conscious, you cannot give consent, no matter what a gaslighter may tell you.

  Companies, throughout history, have tended to protect themselves rather than coming out against a harasser. Take for instance, Matt Lauer’s firing from NBC’s Today Show. NBC stated that it had no idea that Lauer was alleged
ly harassing women in the workplace until a colleague came forward. However, in a Vanity Fair article by Sarah Ellison (2017), a colleague of Lauer’s said that he targeted women that were interns, pages, and production assistants—women with less power than he had at NBC. Younger, new employees are targets for gaslighters, as many are starting out at their first job, and getting fired for reporting harassment, or being told that they will never work in the field again if they report harassment, is a very real fear. Further, former employees stated in a Variety article (Setoodeh and Wagmeister 2017) that Lauer had a button under the desk in his office, so he could lock the door from inside.

  Such gaslighters wield their power as a weapon to keep victims in their control. They analyze and stalk people like a predator and prey. First, everyone is a potential victim. This can’t be stated enough. However, a person who has free will is of no interest to them. Gaslighters home in on people they sense have vulnerabilities that can be exploited. They know that if you are new to the field and this is your first job, or that they can control your rise in a field where they hold importance, you are less likely to fight their harassment. Their telling you that if you reject their harassment or discuss their behavior with others, you will lose your job and all your prospects in your chosen field, carries a tremendous amount of weight to someone who needs that job. This buys them submission and silence. But now, victims realize there is safety in numbers and are speaking out.

  It does appear that more companies are realizing the legal ramifications of not addressing harassment claims immediately. Hopefully this pressure on companies will lead to fewer such incidents overall. For more information on workplace harassment, please see Chapter 4.

  DOMESTIC ABUSE

  Domestic abuse, also known as domestic violence, relationship abuse or interpersonal relationship violence (IPV), does not discriminate: it impacts all cultures, genders, sexual orientations, and socioeconomic classes.

  TYPES OF ABUSE

  Verbal

  Screaming

  Name-calling

  Non-constructive criticism

  Threats to safety and wellbeing

  Being told you are worthless or unintelligent

  Shaming about body type

  Mimicking a partner

  Repeating a partner

  Economic

  Needing permission to get money

  Refusing to share financial information

  Refusing to let you do financial management

  Putting all items or property in his or her name

  Being put on an allowance

  Credit and debit cards taken away

  Not allowed to get financial items such as credit cards in his or her name

  Not allowing partner to have a job or earn money

  Taking away or damaging items of value to the partner

  Physical

  Pushing, slapping, biting, and punching

  Cornering someone

  Spitting

  Pulling hair

  Blocking an attempt to leave

  Tickling when he or she has been told to stop

  Throwing items at a partner

  Tearing clothes

  Sexual

  Rape

  Threatening harm if partner does not engage in sexual acts

  Threatening to cheat if you do not perform sexually

  Ridiculing your sexual ability

  Making a partner “earn” sex

  Forcing a partner into prostitution

  Coercing a partner into sex

  Forcing a partner to participate in a threesome

  Recording a partner’s sexual activity without his or her permission

  Emotional

  Showing off or cleaning firearms after threats have been made

  Humiliating a partner, particularly in front of others

  Constantly comparing partner to others

  Alienating partner from his or her children

  Accusing the partner of cheating without evidence

  Cancelling

  Ignoring, also called stonewalling

  Saying no one will believe the partner about the abuse

  Putting a tracker on the partner’s car

  Threatening to report a partner to social services without just cause

  Domestic abuse includes verbal abuse, economic abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and emotional abuse. The goal of the abuser is gaining power and control. As you read earlier in this book, gaslighters thrive on gaining power and control over their victims.

  Verbal abuse includes screaming, calling names, being told you are worthless, and getting constant nonconstructive criticism. People that are verbally abusive don’t always yell—gaslighters are known for saying very vicious things while they have a smile on their face. Part of the reason for this incongruous behavior is: first, not wanting someone in public catching on to the abuse they are giving out; also, catching their victims off-guard gives them a feeling of control; and finally, if gaslighters are being pleasant, their victims let their guard down long enough for the gaslighters to see an opportunity to strike.

  Economic abuse includes gaslighters’ requiring that you ask permission to have money, giving you an allowance, not allowing you to have control over the money you’ve earned, having all items and property in their name only, refusing to share financial information with you, and insisting that they do all the money management, with no input allowed from you. Again, this is all about power and control. If gaslighters refuse to allow you to pay for anything on your own or manage your own money, it’s because they know you are less likely to leave if you don’t have financial independence.

  Physical abuse includes cornering individuals, shoving, pushing, intentionally tripping, pinching, tickling people even after they say to stop, pulling hair, biting, spitting, punching, slapping, or pulling at clothes. Blocking the door when someone attempts to leave can also be considered physical abuse, especially when force is used to stop the person from escaping a dangerous situation. It also includes physical abuse of pets and children.

  Sexual abuse includes rape, threatening harm if a partner does not perform sexual acts, coercing a partner into sexual acts, forcing a partner into prostitution, withholding sex, or making a partner “earn” sex.

  Emotional abuse includes purposely showing off or cleaning firearms or other weapons when threats have been made, humiliating a partner especially in front of others, saying cruel things about a partner when they are easily overheard, turning the children against the partner, accusing the partner of having an affair without any evidence, canceling plans as a punishment for something the partner supposedly said or did, canceling a partner’s plans with friends or family without the partner’s consent, telling the partner she is losing her mind, falsely telling the partner that she never said or did something, telling the partner in detail about how great previous partners were, name-calling the partner, and teasing the partner.

  Some of the most common tactics used by gaslighters qualify as emotional abuse. Gaslighters know that emotional abuse doesn’t leave visible damage, like bruising or scars, as physical abuse can. To gaslighters, emotional abuse is ideal—it is a way of gaining control while still looking like a pillar of the community. A gaslighter may threaten that if the victim comes forward, no one will believe her because he is such a beloved figure. Others in the victim’s life may say the same thing: “If you say something, you will destroy his career.” It is clear in such cases why victims have not shared their stories.

  LEVELS OF VIOLENCE

  One of the insidious things about domestic violence is that it doesn’t start out with outward aggressive violence. It can begin with partners being possessive, or telling their partner that what she’s wearing is too revealing. It can then ramp up to name-calling and shoving. Then it escalates into threatening, then physically harming the partner. If a person does not remove herself from the violent situation, death from domestic violence is a very real possibility. There is no time table to ho
w quickly or slowly domestic violence behaviors ramp up—but what is known is that they do increase over time. The intensity of the violence, how long it lasts, and how frequently it occurs worsen, almost always.

  THE ABUSE CYCLE

  People who are abusers don’t always behave abusively—and that is just one of the reasons that victims find it difficult to leave. If you are with a person who is abusive 50 percent of the time, but good to you the other 50 percent of the time, it can cloud your judgment. Remember that even if a person is occasionally abusive toward you, it is still an abusive relationship. Gaslighters aren’t usually 100 percent bad—if only it were that easy. They can still have moments of behaving humanely. (Usually those times are preceded by the realizing by gaslighters that you are on to their game—gaslighters’ fear of being exposed kicks in quickly.)

  In Chapter 2, you learned how gaslighters start a relationship by “love-bombing” you. They come on way too intensely—the proverbial “sweeping you off your feet.” It feels like nothing you have experienced before. They tell you that you are perfect, that you are the most wonderful thing that has happened to them, that they have waited their whole life for you. However, the tide will turn eventually.

  When you fall off the pedestal a gaslighter has placed you on, nothing will get you back on it. Nothing. Gaslighters go from idolizing you to devaluing you. Now you can’t do anything right, in their eyes. They’ll tell you they wonder what they ever saw in you. You may have seen smaller signs of abuse in the beginning of your relationship—a little comment about your weight or appearance, or a comment about how you are clumsy or even not that bright. When you exhibit vulnerability or uncertainty, the gaslighters’ manipulating and shaming behavior rapidly escalates.