Gaslighting Read online

  Contacting the gaslighter through writing is a way to create a paper or electronic trail. It is difficult for the gaslighter to lie about what you said when it is right there in an e-mail. While confronting the gaslighter may be very uncomfortable to you, it puts the gaslighter on notice and will help you build a case if the harassment continues.

  For a harassment claim to succeed, you must prove that the behavior is unwelcome, and the fact that you notified the harasser is considered proof. Even if you did not call out the behavior when it occurred or at some later point, you still have the right to tell the harasser it was unwelcome. It may have been that you were surrounded by coworkers at the time and did not raise any objections due to some perceived social pressure. You may have laughed it off because you felt really uncomfortable. You may have tried to ignore it so as to better concentrate on your work. In any case, now you are telling the gaslighter to stop.

  “I co-owned a business with a guy that was a total gaslighter. He told our customers that I was ‘mentally unstable’ and to just come to him for their accounts. Finally, one of the customers said to me, ‘I get the feeling you don’t know about this.…’ and told me the whole story. I sold my part of the business and got out.”

  —Wade, 60

  Keep documentation of when you spoke to the gaslighter, including the date, time, if anyone else was present, and direct quotes of what you said, and also how the harasser responded (see here for more about documentation). If you feel your safety is at risk by contacting the harasser directly, start by filing a complaint with your company’s human resources department.

  If the harassment does not stop, or you fear for your safety with the gaslighter and don’t feel it is in your best interest to contact him directly, use grievance procedures available in your workplace. This is also known as “filing a complaint” or “filing a formal complaint.” If you have an employee handbook, see whether there is a section regarding grievances. You can also ask the human resource department how to file a harassment or discrimination claim.

  Follow these instructions exactly as they are written or told to you. It always helps to have them in writing. Always, always keep a copy of whatever you turn in. When you file a formal complaint at your workplace, you are putting your employer on alert that there is an issue. You are also giving the company an opportunity to rectify or fix this issue. You are using this formal route of complaint because if you have to take your case to court, your ability to hold the company responsible depends on whether the company knew about the harassment and took steps to solve it. The company is now liable (responsible) for making things right.

  If the harassment still continues, or your complaint was not remedied to your satisfaction, there are steps you must take before filing a lawsuit under federal law. First, you must file what is called a “charge of discrimination” with the EEOC or your state employment protection department. If you don’t file this important charge, your lawsuit may be dismissed. A charge of discrimination can be filed at your regional, state, or local EEOC office. Your state laws determine how long a period of time you have from the harassment to when you file the charge. Usually the limit is 180 days.

  After you file, an EEOC staff member will interview you and determine whether your employer violated Title VII. If the staff member feels your complaint has merit, she will fill out a Charge of Discrimination form and give it to you to read and sign. The EEOC will then interview your employer and either drop your complaint, investigate your complaint, or request a mediation or settlement between you and your employer.

  It is very rare that the EEOC will file a lawsuit on your behalf. Instead, it will issue you a “right to sue” letter. This then means you can file a lawsuit. You have a short period of time in which to file your lawsuit after receiving this letter—about ninety days. If you have not already retained an attorney, the EEOC highly recommends that you do so.

  For more information on Title VII and contacting the EEOC, see the Resources section at the end of this book.

  WHAT DOESN’T CONSTITUTE HARASSMENT?

  Sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference between harassment and normal human behavior. If you get a sinking or repulsed feeling by someone’s behavior toward you, you are probably being harassed. However, in and of itself, the following events do not constitute harassment:

  Being complimented on your outfit

  Being told you look nice today

  Being asked out on a date when that person is your equal at the office

  Being told there are some areas of your work performance that may need improvement

  Being asked to meet with your employer about a concern

  If you do experience these things, and they come from a person who has been told to stay away from you or has a history of bothering you or other employees, it does constitute harassment.

  GASLIGHTERS AS SUPERVISORS

  Gaslighting is not just the behavior of “losers.” Plenty of people in powerful positions are gaslighters, too. You may have a supervisor who gaslights you. Gaslighters know how to manipulate and work the system. They ride to the top by lying about their accomplishments, and they succeed on other people’s hard work. They may have even blackmailed a person or persons to get promoted. They also are more likely to use sexual favors for promotions. Gaslighters can also be as good at a job as other people. This may be one of the most frustrating parts of having a gaslighter boss—they are actually competent at what they do, making it more difficult to get them fired.

  Here are some signs to watch out for.

  They Will Watch You as You Work

  Supervisors who observe you as you work is nothing new, but gaslighters will do it to extremes and in unsavory ways. You may find that your gaslighting supervisor watches you much more than he does your coworkers. You may also find that he hangs around you a little too closely when there are fewer employees around. He may even try to isolate you from your peers.

  This “watching” crosses into leering—looking at you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. You have the right to say loudly, “Please back up.” This makes it known to others in the office that this person is behaving inappropriately—and it also creates witnesses. Gaslighters will back off if they know others may see them as less than perfect. Their image is everything.

  Gaslighting Supervisors Can Gang Up

  Gaslighters will sometimes band together and gang up on you. Even people who aren’t typically gaslighters will join in. This is known as “crowd psychology.” We are more likely to engage in a behavior when others are—even if it is against our beliefs. Group behavior is contagious, and can make us feel less responsible for our actions. An employer may also put pressure on supervisors to gaslight employees.

  “I loved my job—and I was good at it. But I didn’t count on an effort by my bosses to get me fired. They were setting up situations where it looked like I wasn’t doing my job. Like they would tell the higher-ups that I refused to work on something, and they had never even talked to me about it. I was starting to wonder if they had asked me and I just forgot. But then I started writing down exactly what they said to me. They were just lying. I had enough one day and walked out. Not one of my bosses was willing to ‘break ranks’ and say enough is enough.”

  —Amber, 28

  They Review You Poorly, Despite the Evidence

  If your gaslighting boss calls you into a performance review meeting, have another supervisor in the room as a witness. If you have an unfavorable and unwarranted evaluation, you can request another performance evaluation from a higher-level supervisor. If asked why, you can just say that you noticed some discrepancies between your work and the evaluation you received. Make sure you show up to the evaluation with documentation of your accomplishments at work. You need to have concrete evidence why the performance evaluation you received was not accurate. Also review your employee manual to see whether there are specific steps your company requires when you feel a performance review is not accurate
.

  “My supervisors got together and gaslighted me as a group. They all made up false information about my job performance in a quest to get me fired.”

  —Jameel, 28

  If your gaslighting boss tells you that you need to sign your performance evaluation and you believe the evaluation is damaging or incorrect, you are under no obligation to sign. Performance reviews are company policy, not law. Usually signing the performance review means that you just agree that you received it. However, if you see fine print that says “I agree to the comments and evaluation above,” do not sign it. Your performance evaluation may have a comment box on it. I strongly recommend against leaving written comments on your own evaluation, especially on the spot. Think about what you want to write first. This prevents you from writing something from your emotions rather than from facts. You can send in your comments later.

  “My boss told me I’d be a shoo-in for a promotion if I worked on a big project for him. When I finished the work, he just said, ‘thanks’ and walked off. A promotion was never in the picture.”

  —Curtis, 40

  HARASSMENT AT A UNIVERSITY

  Gaslighting goes on in school and university settings just like anywhere else. Professors and teaching assistants can gaslight students or lower-level faculty; students can even gaslight their professors. Remember, gaslighters feed off being in power. If a student earns a C in your class, and you won’t change it to an A, she can tell the department that you stalked her. That’s a form of gaslighting, too.

  If you are either a student or an employee at your university and are being harassed, or you know someone who is, you have options. See your student or employee handbook for grievance procedures. Many campuses have an ombudsman. This is a person who acts as a neutral party for students and staff who have complaints about how they have been treated. Usually the ombuds department recommends you directly contact the instructor or dean of the college before seeking its assistance. In addition, you always have the option of calling law enforcement if you have been threatened.

  “The TA (teaching assistant) hit on me, and I turned him down. After that he would always ask me the hardest questions in class. He also recorded me as absent when I was in class.”

  —Reese, 23

  Don’t accept “We’ll talk to him” or “Are you sure you just didn’t misunderstand?” as acceptable responses from your university. You need to see proof that steps have been taken to make sure this behavior doesn’t happen to you or any other student in the future. It is in your best interest to retain an attorney. While many universities take swift action in reports of abuse, there have also been cases where the university dismissed complaints or ignored them altogether. As occurred in the cases of Larry Nassar at Michigan State and Jerry Sandusky at Penn State, reports about abusers are sometimes “swept under the rug” until the accusations are unavoidable—usually when the cases go to trial. Make your voice heard, and hold others accountable.

  “I went to my professor’s office about needing to raise my grade, and he told me that maybe I could help him out too. I told him no way. He said that if I ever said anything, we could both be in trouble.”

  —Casey, 22

  HARASSMENT BY CLIENTS

  It’s not just employers and coworkers that can gaslight you; your clients can, too. It can be a real conundrum for professionals when a person who has hired you for help turns on you. Most often such individuals turn on you because you have told them something that they didn’t want to hear, or they owe you money.

  Even though you may have confidentiality rules in your profession, that does not mean you aren’t protected from threatening behavior. Once your client has reported you to a professional board, they have chosen to break confidentiality. You also have the right to contact law enforcement and provide a client’s name if he has threatened you.

  “A client would order something, then tell my supervisor I didn’t fill the order properly and was rude to her. I see no other reason she did it besides to get a kick out of causing drama.”

  —Ken, 36

  If you are a mental health professional, one way to reduce bogus complaints from gaslighters is to have your clients pay their full copay or session fee before they can make another appointment. When a gaslighting client owes you money, and it has been adding up, he will try whatever it takes to get out of paying. As you’ve read before, gaslighters like to look as if they have money when they often do not, whether because they have trouble keeping a job or are just very tight with their money (which gaslighters notoriously are).

  You may also consider stating in your consent form that if a client has an issue with you, you would like him to come talk to you first. If his concern has not been resolved to his satisfaction, he can then report it to the state licensing board or your credentialing organization. Provide this contact information. Sometimes being transparent about the grievance process reduces complaints.

  “My client didn’t want to pay his bill, so he reported me to the Bar for ‘misconduct.’”

  —James, 48

  Your professional organization can usually refer you to an attorney for pro bono (free) legal advice. Your state licensing board or bar may also have information on your rights when a client harasses you. For more information on your rights as a professional, see the Resources section at the end of this book.

  GASLIGHTERS AND WORKPLACE VIOLENCE

  While gaslighters tend to try to keep as perfect an image as possible, they also may be more prone to violence due to their tendency to personalize other people’s behavior. When gaslighters “personalize,” they take someone’s behavior toward them as a personal attack. In other words, if you criticize a gaslighter’s work, she’ll feel that her ego has been attacked. Being fired from a job, to a gaslighter, is a personal affront, and there must be retaliation against the employer.

  Workplace violence can refer to any of the following behaviors:

  Damage to property or sabotage of electronic information

  Stalking

  Threats of violence

  Body-to-body combat (punching, kicking)

  The use of weapons (guns, knives, etc.; arson, or bomb threats)

  How can you prevent or protect yourself from a gaslighter who may engage in workplace violence?

  Report disturbing employee behavior to your employer.

  Have a protocol established in the event of workplace violence.

  Run drills for the event of workplace violence.

  Have a meeting place if you need to evacuate the building.

  If your employer doesn’t conduct background checks on employees, nor does it contact employees’ previous employers, request making this a standard practice. Going to your workplace shouldn’t mean that you are an open target.

  The Department of Homeland Security offers the following guidelines for what to do if there is an active shooter in your workplace:

  First, leave the building as quickly as possible. Leave your belongings behind. Your purse, identification, and credit cards can be replaced—you cannot.

  If it is impossible to leave the building, hide. Put your phone on vibrate. Lock the door and put something heavy in front of it, such as a copier machine.

  If the active shooter approaches you and you do not have an escape, fight.

  In summary, follow these steps: leave, hide, fight. These apply to other forms of workplace violence, such as a knife wielder or an explosion/bomb threat.

  Do not leave your safe location unless law enforcement gives the “all clear” for you to do so.

  Gaslighters may have a history of law-breaking, use of lethal weapons, abusive behavior, causing fear in others, vindictiveness, stalking, threatening family members of a victim, and a disregard for human life, even before they tip into physical assault.

  The signs are so often there, staring at us. We just have to learn to pay attention—and take action when needed and before such gaslighters’ behavior turns violent.

  HOW ELSE T
O PROTECT YOURSELF

  Besides filing a harassment claim, if you work with or for a gaslighter, here are some steps you can take to protect yourself from your colleague’s undermining and sometimes illegal behavior:

  Never Be Alone with a Workplace Gaslighter

  Always have someone else in the room when you are meeting with a gaslighter. If you cannot find a witness before a meeting, reschedule it. You may feel you are putting your career in jeopardy by rescheduling an important meeting, but your career depends on you not being alone with this person. If a gaslighter follows you into an area where others are not present, leave the space or insist on bringing a coworker in with you. Without witnesses, you are more likely to be sexually harassed, touched inappropriately, or abused. The gaslighter will also lie about what interaction the two of you had. With a witness, gaslighters are more likely to behave appropriately. This is especially true if gaslighters know the witness hasn’t caught on to who they really are. Gaslighters are still invested in the witness’s wanting to idealize them. If you’re alone with a gaslighter and file a complaint about her, the gaslighter will just tell people that you are crazy, or you were hitting on them. As you read earlier in the book, gaslighters know one of the most effective ways to dismiss you is by calling you crazy.

  Meet with Your Boss Once a Week

  Have a weekly meeting with your boss so you can review projects you are working on, and also update your boss with your progress. Track everything in writing. This way if a gaslighter claims the work was all hers, you have previous notifications to your boss that the work was truly yours. Meeting with your boss on a weekly basis also gives you a chance to air grievances as they happen.