Gaslighting Read online

  Now the gaslighters may tell you that your family are terrible, useless people. They may say that your friends are bad influences, and that they dress “trashy” or “slutty.” They’ll tell you that you always come home with a bad attitude when you visit your friends and family, and you need to spend less time with others for the sake of your relationship. Gaslighters threaten to leave you because you don’t devote enough time to them or the relationship. They tell you that this is the worst, most unfulfilling relationship they have ever been in.

  If you wonder whether they might be cheating, they’ll say that you are crazy and call you paranoid. They tell you that maybe they should go ahead and cheat, because you keep accusing them of it. If you have proof of their infidelity, gaslighters still insist they haven’t cheated, and that the person who is messaging them is a crazy ex who is obsessed with him. They tell you that they’ve wondered about your mental health for quite a while, and that accusing them of cheating proves you have issues.

  You say you’re going to leave, or that you can’t take it anymore. All of the sudden, gaslighters act repentant. They tell you they’ll do anything to make things better. They bring you flowers, make you dinner—everything that you have wanted them to do. But they don’t really have good intent behind this behavior—they’re just worried about losing power and control over you. In Chapter 2 you learned about “hoovering”—gaslighters trying to suck you back in. Once gaslighters know they’ve got you back under their control, the pattern of abuse returns and escalates again.

  This cycle of honeymoon phase to violence to repentance to honeymoon phase never ends. Be aware that every time you go through this cycle, the abuse will become worse and worse. Your best option is to get out of the relationship.

  GETTING OUT

  Once you stand up to them, you’ll see gaslighters change quickly. They will go from shocked, to angry, to repentant. The bottom line is that gaslighters don’t want their behavior to become public knowledge. That would ruin their image.

  When victims tell a gaslighter they are leaving, or when they say they are reporting the gaslighter’s abuse, they are often told:

  “Who would believe you?”

  “I have a powerful job, you are nothing. No one will believe you.”

  “You’ll ruin your career.”

  “You’ll ruin my career.”

  “Go ahead; everyone thinks you are crazy already.”

  “Sure, call the police. You know they’re going to arrest you, and not me, right?”

  “They’ll arrest both of us. You really want your kid put in foster care?”

  “They’ll take the kids away from you.”

  “I’ll take the kids away from you.”

  “Do that, and you’ll never see the kids again.”

  “You’ll have nowhere to live.”

  “I’ll make sure I tell them about all the times you abused me.”

  “What, I don’t pay for enough in your life? Who do you think put a roof over your head?”

  Some domestic violence victims have recorded the gaslighter’s behavior on their phone while the gaslighter berates them. Gaslighters don’t want others to see their true colors, so this can stop their behavior quickly. However, it can also lead to the gaslighter destroying the victim’s phone, or denying access to a phone. Be careful if you take this route.

  A gaslighter who pays your phone bill may say that he has the right to look through your phone at any time. He may also take your phone away so that you have no access to contacting friends and family. If you are planning on leaving, get a second, “burner phone”—a phone whose number you do not give out except to a few emergency contacts. This allows you to still have some form of communication with the outside world if the gaslighter takes your phone away. If you are paying your own phone bill and the gaslighter breaks your phone or takes it, that is considered willful destruction or theft of your own property, and you can file a police report.

  Dr. Judith Wuest and Marilyn Merritt-Gray (2016) wrote there are four stages to leaving an abusive relationship: counteracting abuse, breaking free, not going back, and moving on. First, you need to make a plan. Where will you go? Do you have an “emergency” bag packed with essential items, such as medication? What domestic violence shelters are available? What options do you have for legal services? For more information on domestic violence shelters and low-cost to pro bono legal services, see the Resources section at the end of this book.

  “I’ve been threatened, my kids have been threatened—even my pets. I’m working on getting out, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was terrified.”

  —Fatima, 38

  Leaving may be one of the most difficult things you will do in your life. Your job is to take care of yourself and your children the best way you can—and to never go back to this relationship. You also need to be aware of signs in the future that a potential partner may be a gaslighter and have abusive tendencies. To learn more about red flags of gaslighters, see Chapter 3.

  It is imperative that you and your children receive counseling. Most likely you have been through years of abuse trauma, and you need someone to talk to for you to process all the feelings and damage that may have occurred, and to build up your self-esteem and independence so that you do not go back again. For more information on counseling, see Chapter 12.

  Be very aware that abusive relationships do not improve. They continue to escalate, many times ending in death. Gaslighters are not people who are going to see the error of their ways, make a heartfelt apology, and work hard to improve themselves. They can talk all they want, but you know they have made no real attempt to get help or improve their violent behavior. Gaslighters are all talk, and will always be all talk. It is time to give up the idea that the two of you can work this relationship out. It ended with the first signs of control and abuse.

  SIGNS OF IMPENDING FATAL VIOLENCE

  You need to know that getting out of an abusive relationship may be your only chance for survival. If you are in an abusive relationship with a gaslighter, and he has any of the following characteristics, you are more prone to being killed as a result of domestic violence.

  Firearms in the home

  Prior history of domestic violence

  Prior history of any violent behavior

  Family history of domestic violence

  The violent incidents have become increasingly physical in nature

  Verbal threats, not just blatantly stating he will kill you, but also indirect statements, such as “You won’t be a problem much longer.”

  Affiliation with known violent criminals

  Has abused, maimed, or killed pets, either previously or in your relationship

  You need to get out now. You will either leave this relationship, or there is a very real possibility that you and your children will be killed. Peter Jaffe PhD and his colleagues reported in a 2017 journal article that your child is more likely to be killed by an abuser as revenge, upon separation, and if there is a prior history of domestic violence. They also found that more than half of the almost 40,000 children killed each year are killed by their fathers or stepfathers.

  So, if you don’t leave for your own well-being, at least leave for your child’s well-being.

  DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND ITS IMPACT ON CHILDREN

  When you are the victim of domestic violence, you have less of you emotionally available to your children. A study by Dr. Mariana Boeckel and her colleagues in 2015 found that the more severe the domestic violence is, the weaker the quality of the emotional bond between mother and child. The weaker the quality of the emotional bond between mother and child, the more severe is a child’s post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

  If you are exposing your child to domestic violence, there is a greater risk that your child is also witnessing the gaslighter mistreating his pets. A study by Dr. Shelby McDonald and colleagues in 2017 found that domestic violence in the home greatly increases the chance that your child has emotional trauma from
seeing a pet be abused. The gaslighter’s abuse of a pet was done in a deliberate effort to control the child.

  TRAUMA BONDING AND STOCKHOLM SYNDROME

  One of the most difficult aspects of domestic violence to understand is that every time an abusive event happens in a relationship, there is a chemical reaction in the brain that bonds the couple together—even when one is perpetrator and one is victim. This is called trauma bonding. What is called Stockholm syndrome can also occur in abusive relationships. This is when an abuse victim feels empathy toward an abuser and will even defend him and his abusive behavior. Trauma bonding and Stockholm syndrome are two reasons that people who are victims in abusive relationships with gaslighters find it so difficult to leave. It can be incredibly difficult to leave; if you recognize yourself in this situation, please see Chapter 12 and the Resources section for additional suggestions on how to get help.

  YOU CAN BE ACCUSED BY A GASLIGHTER

  The flip side of people feeling safer these days of talking about harassment is that some gaslighters, claiming to be victims of such abuse, make false accusations to punish employers or former partners. Unfortunately, the fact that these are often he said/she said (or he said/he said or she said/she said) situations makes it easy for a false accuser to lie about events that never happened—and it takes legitimacy away from legitimate complaints.

  There is no easy way to determine a legitimate from an illegitimate complaint, without hard evidence, such as video. This is one of the reasons that victims of such harassment have not felt comfortable sharing their stories. If you are the victim of a false harassment complaint, consult an attorney.

  DATING VIOLENCE

  According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (2015), one in five women is raped in her lifetime, with eight in ten women knowing their attacker. Date rape is a very real danger, especially when a woman is with a gaslighter. Rape is about power and control, and that is exactly what gaslighters seek. It is recommended that women never leave a drink unattended when out with a gaslighter on a date, to prevent a drug from being slipped in. It is also important that you have an emergency contact—someone that knows that if you send even a blank text, to come to help you. Always let friends or family know where you will be going when you leave for a date. You can learn more about gaslighter red flags in dating in Chapter 3.

  If you find yourself in an abusive situation, please know that you are not alone. There are many suggestions throughout this book for dealing with—and leaving—a gaslighter. One organization you can turn to is the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or www.thehotline.org).

  AS YOU’VE LEARNED, gaslighters come from all walks of life; in this chapter, we explored how a gaslighter who engages in harassment and abuse can be a spouse who has power over you or can be someone who is wealthy, powerful, and who knows he can get away with it. The next chapter looks more closely at some of these higher-profile gaslighters.

  6

  MAD FOR POWER

  Gaslighters in Politics, Society, and Social Media

  AS WE’VE BEEN SEEING, GASLIGHTERS WILL CONFUSE, DISTRACT, AND harm so as to get away with behaviors that otherwise would draw attention and outrage. Unfortunately, this is as true for public figures as for private citizens. Think about the damage that can be done when gaslighters take to the big stage of politics, traditional media, or social media. The potential to destabilize, skew reality, abuse, and control behavior and choices soars.

  On the national stage, they have the capacity to make or break the rules that hundreds of millions of people live by every day. They can make laws that affect our access to such services as health care, and the safety of our air and water and food supply. That kind of power in the hands of a gaslighting personality is a true recipe for disaster. That’s why it’s so important that citizens use their sacred voting right and be willing to step up and take action when people in public office are disregarding the needs of the public. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

  In this chapter, we will look at how gaslighting operates on the public stage and what we can do to (1) be on the alert for it, and (2) protect ourselves. We’ll discuss specifically:

  How politicians gaslight their constituents

  How media organizations also gaslight us by shaping stories for maximum appeal rather than pursuit of important truth

  How social media gaslights by obtaining or spreading information without taking responsibility for it

  GASLIGHTERS IN POLITICS

  Politicians go into politics for all kinds of reasons. Some enter it with motivation to serve. They want to help fix problems and represent the needs and perspectives of their constituents, to make their community/city/state/country better places for all. They want to help the greatest number and do the greatest good, albeit with varying perspectives on what that good might be. Others have less pure motives. They crave the limelight; they get their kicks from having power and control.

  Let’s take a look at some of the common characteristics of gaslighting politicians and leaders. You’ll notice that these are many of the same characteristics we find in all gaslighters, but their expression is on a different order of magnitude and obviously carries the potential for harm on a greater scale. I’ll talk quite a bit about dictators (authoritarian leaders), as they are always gaslighters, but you’ll find that there are plenty of examples in our own country and others of nondictator leaders who use gaslighting behaviors, too. With power and control at their fingertips, the opportunities are ripe.

  COMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF GASLIGHTERS IN THE PUBLIC SPHERE

  They Behave As If They Are All-Powerful

  Gaslighters in public office will appear as if they are in total control and expect everyone to do what they say. Dictators and people with strong authoritarian governing styles are perfect examples of gaslighters in power. They can be brought down, of course, but they act as if they are omnipotent.

  They Show Little Empathy

  One of the hallmarks of gaslighters is their lack of empathy, and in politics it is no different. We see this in the United States, where politicians may help write or vote for bills that will throw people off health care or deprive them of vital services, such as free meal delivery to the homebound or quality education, or stick citizens with exorbitant taxes to line their own pockets. They show an arrogant disregard for other people’s needs. This happens abroad as well. One striking example from recent history happened in Venezuela in November 2017. While the people of Venezuela were starving during an economic crisis, with inflation at 3,000 percent, their dictator, Nicolás Maduro, gave a speech in which he pulled an empanada out of his desk drawer, bit into it, and kept talking (Lisi 2017). The media were forced to air the speech (Hayer 2017).

  They’re Megalomaniacs

  Gaslighting politicians do not see themselves as employees of the people. They can even delude themselves into thinking they are saviors for their country. Gaslighters do not think of the greater good when they change laws. They act solely to benefit themselves and the people who support them. And it’s no accident that their policies and laws so often end up putting money in their pockets.

  They Retaliate

  If you dare to cross them, or even make your needs known, gaslighters in power will come after you with a vengeance. They will target you, or even worse, target your family. Gaslighters know that to really get even with you, going after your family makes you suffer the most.

  “We do not argue with those who disagree with us, we destroy them.”

  —Benito Mussolini

  They Fail to Take Responsibility

  All gaslighters live for power, and they never want to accept responsibility when they abuse it. It is always someone else. They’ll blame opponents, they blame the citizens, they blame staff—anyone and everyone else is open for scorn. This isn’t a case of not knowing when they’ve made an error—they clearly do—but they’ll always, always point the finger at someone else.

  “I was res
ponsible for everything so I accept responsibility and blame, but show me, comrade, one document proving that I was personally responsible for the deaths.”

  —Pol Pot

  They Detest Intellectuals

  Gaslighters in power usually show nothing but contempt for educated people. It’s not hard to see why. The educated are the people most likely to speak out against a gaslighter’s behavior. Citizens in the fields of science, technology, engineering, and history are particularly detested by gaslighters in power. Why? Because these people have facts to back up their criticisms of the gaslighters. And gaslighters do not like being challenged—especially by facts.

  “To read too many books is harmful.”

  —Mao Zedong

  They’re Obsessed with Optics

  Gaslighters know very well that a large part of public perception depends on optics—the way an event or person is perceived by the public. Gaslighting politicians will literally and figuratively push people out of the frame or, conversely, inflate crowd numbers to increase their own importance, such as by claiming that attendance at a rally or political event was much larger than it actually was.