Gaslighting Read online

  Why would a successful woman like Debra fall prey to a con artist like John Meehan? Wouldn’t she have picked up on the signs that John was gaslighting her? Not necessarily. Gaslighters are very, very good at acting like regular people. They almost “overdo” the acting normal bit, and seem too good to be true. John knew what a successful woman like Debra would want—a stable, “together,” cultured person. And John knew how to deliver with the lies.

  Add the fact that Debra’s sister had been shot and killed by her husband, and Debra’s mother testified for her daughter’s killer—which led to him getting a lighter sentence. What did this model for Debra? That men are in the right, no matter the degree of their heinous behavior? Sadly, it would seem so. Your family history has quite a bit to do with whether you are prey to a gaslighter. You’ll learn more about families and gaslighting in Chapter 6.

  PROTECTING YOURSELF

  As you’ve seen so far, we need to be on alert while out on a date or searching online for one. Never let down your guard. Know that there are gaslighters out there whose main objective is to find prey. Follow these tips to protect yourself:

  “From now on I’m doing a background check on my dates. A friend told me I was being dramatic, but I’d really like to know ahead of time if he has a history of domestic violence or any other violent behavior.”

  —June, 27

  If you are considering online dating, choose a paid site or app rather than a free one. Gaslighters can be notoriously cheap, so using a paid site may narrow your chances of connecting with one.

  Have your friends review your online dating profile and photo before you post them. Ask your most cautious friends to do this, as they are more likely to point out anything that might signal that you’re red meat for the hungry gaslighter.

  Try meeting people in face-to-face get-togethers instead of online or, once you do meet online and start chatting, arrange a face-to-face meeting so you can be a better judge.

  Date people who have been recommended to you by your friends. It’s even better if your friend has known the person for a considerable amount of time—since childhood, for example.

  Do a background check before making another date. See the Resources section at the end of this book for suitable services.

  Google the person before you go out with him. If there are any inconsistencies between the information you see online and what the person has told you in his profile or from chatting with him, simply stop all communication. That’s a big red flag.

  Before you go out on a date, arrange with friends to have an SOS message you can send to them, so that they can then call you and say there is an emergency and you need to leave. Do not accept the gaslighter’s offer to drive you.

  Do not get in the gaslighter’s car. Part of a gaslighter’s MO (standard mode of operating) is to get you on their territory and isolate you. Once you are removed from your original location, your chances of being assaulted or killed increase dramatically.

  Do not bring the gaslighter back to your home, or go to his, on the first date.

  Do not exchange any racy photos before meeting this person.

  Arrange to meet in a public location.

  If something seems off in your online communication with a date, cease talking with him. While “ghosting” or just disappearing on someone is not recommended in healthy dating relationships, you must “ghost” a gaslighter. To continue contact, even to say “We’re not a good fit,” makes you more likely to be manipulated by him.

  If you need to end contact with the person, block all phone numbers, e-mails, and profiles associated with him.

  Report the person to the online dating site if he has violated any of the terms of the site, such as harassment, slurs, or stalking.

  Contact law enforcement if you have been threatened, harassed, or stalked—online or in “real life.” Seek a restraining order from the court. See the Resources section at the end of this book for more information on restraining orders.

  Do not post warnings about a gaslighter on websites. The gaslighter can easily trace these posts back to you.

  Trust your gut. Even if your friends tell you what a great person he or she is, but you still feel uneasy about it, do not go out with the person again.

  “He told me he was a surgeon. But there was no record of him in the state health department license lookup. He told me that he had just moved to the state so his license wouldn’t show up yet. He teased me about being ‘paranoid’ and ‘watching too many cop shows.’ It turns out he wasn’t a doctor at all.”

  —Janis, 55

  MAKE A LIST OF WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR IN A PARTNER

  It may not sound very exciting, but when it comes to dating, it’s always best to make choices with our head instead of our heart. When we are infatuated with someone, we tend to look past warning signs. Our brain goes into a temporary state of insanity. We lose reason. “Oh, you’re an ax murderer? I can totally work with that.” To prepare yourself to make a healthy choice, try this exercise. Sit down and make a list of the qualities of your ideal partner. Get as specific as possible. Items you may want to include:

  Likes dogs/cats

  Family gets along

  Listens

  Wants to work out conflict

  Exercises regularly

  Has a stable job

  Speaks respectfully to me and others

  Focus on positive attributes. Instead of “doesn’t call people names,” try using “speaks respectfully to people” instead. This helps you focus more on what you want rather than what you don’t want.

  When you have met someone that you think is just the best thing ever, take a look at your list. How many of your desired qualities does this person have? Looking at this list helps you use your brain to make a wise dating decision, when your heart wants to go solely on emotions.

  TRUST THE SIGNS, USE THOSE SMARTS!

  I trust that this has all been helpful. Dating in general is fraught with risk because gaslighters can be so clever, so charming, and so seemingly “normal.” And online dating can make you easy prey for gaslighters. But now you know the red flags. You’ve got some new tools to protect yourself in the dating world. If I had to pick one piece of advice on dating, it’s this: trust the signs. As Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

  NOW, LET’S TURN to another arena where gaslighters often do their best work: the workplace. We’ll look at how to work with people who don’t have your best interests in mind, how to report gaslighting behavior in the most effective ways, and how to find the laws of your state that can protect you from harassment and other forms of gaslighting in your workplace.

  4

  SABOTEURS, HARASSERS, OFF-LOADERS, AND THUNDER STEALERS

  Gaslighters in the Workplace

  GASLIGHTERS DON’T JUST WREAK HAVOC IN OUR PERSONAL LIVES. They have destroyed many careers and companies. They manipulate coworkers and subordinates into doing work for them, then take credit. They make false claims of harassment when they, in fact, are the harassers. (In fact, I think it’s safe to say that most if not all harassment is a form of gaslighting.) They throw coworkers under the bus. They refuse to take any responsibility for their behavior. It is one thing to mess with your personal life—it is quite another to encounter someone hell bent on taking down your professional life.

  As of this writing, a wave of women has come forward with charges of sexual harassment in the workplace—and they are finally being believed. Numerous celebrities and public figures are facing allegations of workplace harassment. In this chapter, you will learn how to identify a workplace gaslighter, protect yourself and your career, and figure out ways to avoid ever working with a gaslighter again. You’ll also read more about gaslighting and sexual harassment, abuse, and violence in Chapter 5.

  “My coworker would be on-call but would refuse to answer the phone. This meant clients would call me instead. I talked to higher-ups about it, but he had some damaging
info on the boss, so he got away with it.”

  —Juan, 40

  How do you know you work with a gaslighter? You may witness the following behaviors:

  Takes credit for your hard work

  Gives you backhanded compliments

  Ridicules you in front of your coworkers

  Blames everything on you

  Knows your weak spot and exploits it

  Actively tries to get you demoted or fired

  Lies to get ahead

  Seems to compete with everyone to be “the best” at work

  Spreads gossip about you, and denies doing it when you confront her

  Sabotages your work

  Gives you the wrong times and dates for important meetings

  Pressures you to do something unethical

  Is jealous of your accomplishments instead of congratulating you

  Shows displays of anger when things don’t go her way

  Bullies and threatens you and others

  Sexually harasses you and others

  Gaslighters can make even the least stressful of jobs into a total nightmare. Their scheming, sabotaging, and one-upping never seem to stop. When they are caught in disrespectful or harmful behavior by an employer, gaslighters seem to double down and actually increase their maladaptive behavior. Some may calm the storm for just a brief period of time before resuming their gaslighting ways. Very rarely do gaslighters stop their manipulative behaviors. As you read earlier in the book, many gaslighters are so lacking in self-awareness that they don’t see their bad behavior. They truly believe that everyone else has the problem, not them.

  “It didn’t matter what the project was about—this guy would take credit for everything. Not only that, he would tell the boss that we were slackers and he had to make up for our incompetence. He went the extra mile.”

  —Doug, 55

  SEXUAL AND OTHER HARASSMENT IN THE WORKPLACE

  Gaslighters use harassment as a way to gain control over you and over their workplace. They’re betting that by harassing you, you’ll stay quiet about the other bad behaviors they’re engaging in at work.

  “My coworker would brush his hand against my butt as he walked by, and say ‘excuse me’ like it was an accident. He was really slick when he did it, so no one saw it. I was going to report it, but I was concerned he would just say I was lying. What proof did I have?”

  —Lydia, 28

  One type of harassment is sexual harassment. The US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) defines sexual harassment as “unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature” (EEOC 2017).

  You may be the victim of sexual harassment if:

  You are told your job or an assignment depends on sexual activity.

  You are watched intensely for no reason.

  A person blocks your exit from your office or cubicle.

  You get leers as you walk by.

  You get catcalls or “You need to smile” comments.

  Someone in a higher or more influential position asks you out.

  You are being retaliated against for refusing advances.

  Pictures or messages of a sexual nature are posted on your locker.

  Other forms of harassment include:

  Employees playing “pranks” on you.

  Your items are continually removed and then replaced on your desk.

  Employees tampering with your food in the office refrigerator.

  Your locker is broken into.

  Having your personal items hidden from you.

  Unauthorized employees entering your workspace without permission.

  While most gaslighters don’t take their workplace behavior to the level where it qualifies legally as harassment, some do, and this is especially true when you are working in an environment that appears to reward bad behavior. For example, while there’s nothing wrong, at least on the face of it, with an employer’s use of incentives to increase productivity, this provides a perfect setup for gaslighters. They’ll do whatever they feel is necessary to gain an advantage over others, and this includes devious and damaging behavior. In some areas of the business world, being ruthless earns a gaslighter respect, but this is really nothing more than fear of the gaslighter disguised as respect. In this section, we’ll take a look at where aggressive work habits actually constitute harassment, and the steps you can take to fight it.

  “I had a boss that would stand and watch me as I worked. This wasn’t just watching—it was leering. It was really creepy. Towards the end of the day when there were less people in the office, I started feeling unsafe and would bolt out of there.”

  —Marisol, 36

  According to the EEOC, harassing behavior rises to the level of unlawful when an employee has to put up with the harassing behavior as a condition of staying in the job, or if the harassment is so severe or so encompassing that a reasonable person would find it intimidating, abusive, or hostile.

  You don’t have to be the direct target of the behavior for it to qualify as harassment. If another person’s behavior toward a coworker has impacted your ability to do your job or stay at your place of employment, you may still qualify legally as being harassed.

  Harassment is about power. It is about “keeping you in your place.” Gaslighters love to hold power over people’s head. They especially thrive on knowing that your livelihood—your work—hangs in the balance.

  Gaslighters can be very subtle in their harassment—just enough to get to you but not quite enough to prove. Many harassment cases end up coming down to a “he said, she said” situation, one person’s word against the other. For that reason, and concerns about retaliation, many cases of harassment are never even filed, let alone resolved.

  Also, when you first encounter harassment, it is very common to feel so in shock that you doubt yourself or your perception of the experience. Did so-and-so really just say what I thought he said? Maybe he didn’t mean it the way it came across. If you have lived with a gaslighter, and particularly if you were raised by one, you will be even more likely to question your sense of reality. You were trained early on to disbelieve your own eyes and ears, so of course you automatically question your experience.

  Start to believe it. If it walks like harassment and talks like harassment, sexual or otherwise, it is most likely harassment!

  LAWS THAT PROTECT YOU

  In the United States, Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 protects you from workplace discrimination based on:

  Age

  Gender

  Religion

  Race

  Culture

  National origin

  “Oh, I got the classic, ‘So-and-so told me that your work is terrible.’ Oh good, then so-and-so can come to me directly and tell me that. Until then, not my problem.”

  —Josh, 28

  Harassment, including sexual harassment, in the workplace also violates Title VII.

  Here’s one of the tricky things about Title VII. If you work for a smaller company, you may be out of luck. Title VII only applies to businesses with fifteen or more employees or to local, state, or federal agencies. According to Title VII, it is illegal to be retaliated against in the workplace for reporting harassment. Remember, you do not have to be the direct target of the harassment to have a valid claim. Anyone in the workplace affected by the behavior of the harasser—if he has created what we’d call a climate of intimidation—can file a harassment claim. Even if you appeared to others to have accepted the behavior at the time, you have the right to challenge behavior that is intimidating and uninvited.

  In addition to Title VII protections, there may be laws in your state that protect you from harassment and discrimination. You should be able to find them through a quick Internet search. Knowing your rights is the first right step in protecting yourself from this sort of behavior and shifting the burden to the harasser to prove his or her innocence. Educating yourself is one of the most powerful steps
you can take to combat gaslighters and their harassment.

  Steps You Can Take

  If you are being harassed, the EEOC, which protects workers’ rights, recommends following a series of steps. You have the right (and it is even encouraged) to contact an attorney during this process. For information on how to find legal services, see the Resources section at the end of this book.

  “My coworker would call me racial slurs, and would do it with a smile and in a sweet tone of voice. It still gives me chills thinking about it. I told him to stop, and he kept going. I even told my boss. Nothing happened. I didn’t know what to do next. I was worried about losing my job if I pushed it further.”

  —Dan, 35

  First, the EEOC recommends contacting the gaslighter directly about his behavior. You have the option of doing this in person, or in writing. If it is in person, consider having a witness present. As you have learned, gaslighters are very adept at twisting the truth. What happened between you and the gaslighter will certainly not be the story the gaslighter reports to others. Having a witness backs up your version of events.