Gaslighting Read online

  If your online profile indicates that you:

  Have been single for a while

  Have been married multiple times

  Appear to have money

  Say you see the best in everyone

  Haven’t been treated well in the past

  Think your ex was a terrible person

  Want children right away

  Never felt that you “fit in”

  Like taking risks

  Are naughty/bad/wild

  .… you may as well have painted a bull’s-eye on your forehead. These are the very vulnerabilities gaslighters look for. Gaslighters will often rightly assume that if you allude to the things in this list, you are more likely both to get hooked on them and to be more tolerant of their bad behavior.

  You may be thinking, but why would anybody put these things in their profile? Few people would—in so many words. But we often communicate plenty about ourselves without stating them directly. We say a lot by what we imply.

  “I’m ready to be treated well.” = “I haven’t been treated well in the past.”

  “I’m tired of wasting time.” = “I’m concerned I won’t meet the right person.”

  “I see the best in everyone.” = “I may accept your lying to me.”

  So, what should you put in your profile to make yourself more gaslighter-proof? It’s a tricky, fine line, but ultimately you want to show that you are active and happy. Gaslighters don’t like partners who are positive, upbeat, and independent. They prefer them to be needy, vulnerable, and wounded.

  RED FLAGS ON YOUR FIRST DATE

  One of the trickiest things about gaslighters is that they are great at hiding their true personality, until you are hooked in. According to Wendy Patrick, JD, PhD, in her article entitled “The Dangerous First Date” in the December 2017 issue of Psychology Today, malignant behaviors can masquerade as charming positives in the early stages of dating. For example, protective behavior morphs into possessiveness; comforting turns into controlling; assertive behavior turns into aggressive behavior; passionate behavior turns violent later on; a direct personality turns into rudeness; and confidence turns into condescension.

  “I knew this date wasn’t going to work out, and my date said some things that really offended me. I told him this wasn’t going to work, and I was going to leave early. He banged his fist on the table and said I wasn’t going to leave yet. That was my cue to get out of there fast.”

  —Sari, 35

  “The first things he talked about on our date? His ex-wife and his mother—and not in a pleasant way, either.”

  —Jessica, 30

  Keep an eye out for these behaviors whenever you are on a date. For example, while it may feel comforting, as if you are being taken care of when your date orders your food for you (when you haven’t even told him what you want), this is actually a sign of a controlling personality. It feels good at first, but once things start getting real, your partner will be trying to control all your choices in the relationship.

  Red flags on a first date with gaslighters include:

  They tell you that you are the most beautiful/wonderful/amazing person they have ever met.

  They talk about long-term commitment with you.

  They talk about having children—not just in general, but with you.

  They talk about themselves.… it’s almost as if you weren’t there.

  They tell you they cheated in a previous relationship.

  They tell you about their dysfunctional family history.

  They don’t ask you any questions about your life.

  They don’t want to talk about their family.

  They order your food for you.

  They don’t use basic manners.

  They treat waitstaff rudely.

  They talk about moving in with you.

  They start holding hands or having other physical contact with you right away.

  They invade your personal space.

  They tell you their previous partner was a “bitch,” “asshole,” and the like.

  They spend too much time talking about their previous relationships.

  They tell you they have commitment issues, but that they could see committing to you.

  They are vague about what they do for a living.

  Their story doesn’t match up with what you read online.

  Their stories aren’t consistent.

  They talk about their houses and cars, yet they did not drive their car to your date.

  They dress sloppily.

  They wear clothing that denotes social status (wearing surgical scrubs to dinner, for example. A true surgeon would never do this).

  They name-drop (tell you about well-known people with whom they are friends or colleagues) in a bid to impress you.

  They say they have a well-paying job but ask you to pay for dinner (they will say they forgot their wallet, etc.).

  They talk about travel in other countries that sounds fanciful or unrealistic. (They do this because it is harder to verify.)

  They have excuses for why you couldn’t find information on them. (Their identity was stolen, etc.)

  They have difficulty making eye contact.

  They’re charming, but it appears not to be genuine.

  They mention how they had a lot of options to choose from but picked you.

  They will not leave when asked.

  They prevent you from leaving.

  Again, no one of these items on its own necessarily means you’re on a date with a gaslighter, but buyer beware. The signs are usually there.

  The Lure of Narcissism

  Sometimes gaslighting look an awful lot like narcissism. Narcissistic people tend to look good on paper. They seem too good to be true—because they are. They may be educated, powerful, attractive people—and they also happen to be dangerous manipulators. What appears as confidence, the likes of which you have never seen before, can be intoxicating, until you realize it’s part of a pattern—a selfish and endless need for validation.

  A History of Cheating

  Gaslighters are notorious for being unfaithful in relationships. If someone you are dating tells you she cheated in a previous relationship, pay attention to the red flag. According to a study in 2017 by Kayla Knopp and her colleagues, people who cheated in a previous relationship are three times more likely to report cheating in their current relationship than are people who were faithful in previous relationships.

  If you’re having a “good date,” it can be tempting to think that your date just had a one-off cheating experience and it won’t impact you, or she may tell you she’s changed, but think again. Cheaters tend to cheat as a pattern of behavior. If you are cheated on, it will affect your future relationships as well. It will sow the seeds of doubt about your potential partner’s reliability, if nothing else. In fact, according to Ms. Knopp, people who reported that their previous partner had cheated were four times more likely to be suspicious of their current partner.

  Gaslighters Push Alcohol on You

  Gaslighters will often order alcohol for you without asking. If you don’t order alcohol yourself, gaslighters will cajole and even bully you into ordering a drink. They do this because drinking lowers our inhibitions—and raises the possibility that we’ll make poor choices.

  It is best to abstain from drinking while on a date with someone new. However, if you do choose to drink, never leave your drink unattended. I’m sure you’ve heard about people slipping drugs into drinks, and this dramatically increases your chances of being assaulted. Later in this chapter, you’ll learn why gaslighters are particularly prone to committing assault.

  Gaslighters Don’t Do Social Media

  Because cheating is so common among gaslighters, avoiding social media is a way to avoid getting caught with someone—or somewhere they aren’t supposed to be. If you go on a date and a person tells you he doesn’t use Facebook, it could just be that he’s not into Facebook. But I suggest following up by asking why. Gaslighters
will usually give you a vague answer. If they say, “I’m just not into it” or “I don’t have time,” take note.

  Trust Your Intuition

  Most of us get hunches or a “Spidey sense” that something is wrong, and very often these are right on target. If you feel that a situation or person is unsafe to be around, excuse yourself and leave. You don’t even have to excuse yourself. Gaslighters sense when people are on to them, and they will switch modes quickly into love-bombing. Gaslighters are masters of pouring it on in the nick of time, getting you to switch from thinking, “This person gives me bad vibes” to “Wow, I really like him.” So, get out while you can.

  Override the Urge to Be Nice

  We, and especially women, are taught from young ages to be caring and polite toward others. It can go against what you believe to stand up to someone and tell him to back off. Remember that the gaslighter does not care about you or your feelings. You are a thing, disposable, a means to an end. It is perfectly acceptable to stand up for yourself and risk being seen as “rude.” For example, if you are saying good night to your date at your car and he leans in too close to you, instead of enduring it or trying to wriggle away, say, “No. I need you to back up.” If he doesn’t move, say it even louder. Remember, with a gaslighter you cannot afford to be concerned with being rude, you have to be concerned with your personal safety.

  GASLIGHTERS AND THE RISK OF VIOLENCE

  In case you didn’t already have enough to worry about, the risks of violence with gaslighters is very real. They are more prone to getting violent because their frustration threshold is so low and they generally don’t have good coping skills. You should be prepared to protect yourself. As noted earlier, when you are on a first date with anyone, never leave your drink unattended—no matter what. Even if your date tells you there is no need to worry, or that you are being paranoid. If that means you need to take your drink to the bathroom with you, do it. Better yet, refrain from drinking, as we’ve already discussed. A gaslighter will pressure you to drink so as to make you more vulnerable. A good person will never pressure you to drink.

  If your date is pressuring you to drink, he may well be setting you up for assault or rape. I don’t have any specific data to support the connection between gaslighting and rape, but since rape is a crime of power and violence, we’re wise to include it in this list of cautions.

  For information on sexual assault, see Chapter 5 and the Resources section at the end of this book.

  WARNING SIGNS IN THE EARLY PHASES OF DATING

  So, you’ve moved beyond the first date and you’ve begun seeing each other. Here, too, there will usually be all sorts of warning signs. Pay attention to them.

  Stay clear if:

  Your family tells you that they think something is “off” with your partner.

  Your partner tells you your family is trying to tear the two of you apart.

  Your partner says you have no right to voice concerns about his or her kids or other family members. For example, you see your partner’s kid hit another kid. You tell your partner you are concerned about his kid’s behavior. Your partner tells you that everything is fine and that you didn’t see anything of the sort.

  His children and other family members have poor boundaries.

  He overshares or is “enmeshed” with his children and other family members.

  Your partner says he is interested in the same things you are, but when you do those activities together, he is continuously disinterested and bored.

  You are always paying for activities. If you ask your partner to pay, he guilts you into paying. Again.

  Your partner keeps some areas of his life completely separate from you, such as his friends and his phone.

  It doesn’t matter if your relationship is good 90 percent of the time; if the remaining 10 percent consists of lies and inconsistencies, you need to leave the relationship. Relationships like these only get worse. That 10 percent becomes 20 percent, then 30 percent, and so on. Lies and inconsistencies many times lead to emotional and physical abuse. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (2017), 10 million people a year are victims of domestic violence. If you are being lied to even just a small part of the time, it’s time to look elsewhere.

  Quick to Intensity, Slow to Insanity

  Wouldn’t it be helpful if people could wear big signs stating their pathology when we first meet them? Of course, we don’t have this luxury! Also, gaslighters are very good at acting “normal.” They make sure you are reeled in before welcoming you into their inner sanctum of insanity. Even mental health professionals have been lured into relationships with gaslighters. They will act so “normal” that even a professional can’t always tell who they really are underneath. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t signs to watch for, as we’ve seen.

  The gaslighter will tend to ramp up the intensity really quickly, while keeping the insanity at bay until you upset him. And then watch out. Upsetting him could be a result of your standing up for yourself, stating something was upsetting to you, or not following some unwritten rule that you didn’t know you had to follow. Suddenly, you’ve gone from queen to crap. The gaslighter sets things up so that you are always going to fall off the pedestal he places you on. By idealizing and then devaluing you, he keeps you off-kilter. This causes you to feel a sense of instability—and that makes you psychologically more dependent on him, which is exactly where he wants you to be.

  He was the classic ‘looks good on paper.’ Smart, educated, funny. It wasn’t until six months in that I really saw his dark, possessive side.”

  —Jessie, 28

  INFATUATION VERSUS LOVE

  As we saw in Chapter 2, gaslighters love to “love-bomb” in the beginning of a relationship. They put you up on a pedestal. They shower you with attention. Keep in mind that gaslighters try to get you to fall for an idea of who they are, not their actual person. The real person is behind a mask. Gaslighters know how to act like a “regular” person to get you ensnared.

  You may feel an instant sense of “love” for this person. But no one falls in love that quickly. What you are probably feeling is infatuation. You’re on cloud nine, your heart races when you see the person, and you want to get naked every time you are in proximity. It feels amazing! But infatuation is also tenuous. There is no real sense of permanency. You feel insecure. You feel as if you may lose this person. You feel jealous when she is going out with her friends. You want to spend all your time with this person, and being apart from her causes you distress.

  Love is a deeper feeling. Sometimes people experience infatuation in the beginning of their relationship, and it fades within about six months to two years. This is when things start getting real. Some relationships end at this point because things just aren’t exciting enough once the butterflies and excitement wear off. This is also when you might start seeing a gaslighter’s true self. In a healthy relationship, the early stages are exciting, but there is also a sense of calm and connection. The physical connection is great, and the emotional connection makes the physical even better. When you love someone, you enjoy being with her, and are also good with having your own interests and some alone time. In a healthy relationship, your partner is okay with you going out with your friends—in fact, a healthy partner encourages you to go out, and makes a point to get to know your friends.

  Keep in mind the difference between infatuation and love when you are dating. Tell your brain to slow down a little so you can think more rationally about who you’re “falling in love” with. With gaslighters, things usually don’t go from infatuation to love, they go from infatuation to misery. While I don’t want to take all the fun out of infatuation, it’s so important not to mistake it for love—and to be on the lookout for the signs of gaslighting and manipulation.

  SWINDLING AND CONNING

  Beyond control, gaslighters often have other motives and objectives. Some gaslighters’ main objective is to con you out of money, cars, and property. They
specifically target people in online dating sites because they are seen as “easy marks.” These gaslighters tend to target older and wealthier men and women. What starts out as “I forgot my wallet at home” on a date turns into you signing over your possessions and other assets to him.

  “He told me he was a doctor. It turns out he was a drug addict who hid it very well. He started asking me for money and tried to forge my name on prescriptions.”

  —Jane, 68

  Case Study: John Meehan (based on reporting by the Los Angeles Times 10/1/17–10/8/17)

  The story of John Meehan is one that seems like a made-for-TV movie, but it really happened, as was reported in a series in the Los Angeles Times and in a podcast by Christopher Goffard (2017). Meehan was a man whose life revolved around conning people, specifically women. He consistently lied to women, stating that he was, among other things, an anesthesiologist who had volunteered in Iraq with Doctors Without Borders. John forbade his first wife from contacting his family. When she went against his wishes, he exploded with anger. His wife had discovered that John was not who he claimed to be. John threatened her repeatedly, bragging about his mob ties. In 2014, he found Debra Newell, a successful business owner, on an online dating site. John also told Debra he was an anesthesiologist who had spent time in Iraq with Doctors Without Borders. He pushed quickly for them to get married, tying the knot just months after they started dating.

  Debra’s family were the ones who uncovered John’s lies. He was a nurse who had lost his nursing license and served prison time for possession of narcotics. Confronted by these lies, John lashed out. Debra left him. John then begged for forgiveness, telling her it was a misunderstanding, and her family didn’t want her to find love and be happy. She went back to him. When she left a second time, John threatened her and her family. He told Debra that she had taken money from him, when in fact she had given him money. He sent nude photos of her to her family. Finally, he stalked and then attacked Debra’s daughter, Terra, stabbing her repeatedly. She grabbed his knife and stabbed him in self-defense. Terra survived; John died of his wounds.