Gaslighting Read online

  Does it bother gaslighters that their silence is tormenting you? Far from it. They love that their behavior causes you to get upset. If you live with a gaslighter, stonewalling can get so bad that the gaslighter acts as if you don’t exist—even when you are right in front of him.

  What’s the best way of dealing with stonewalling? Go radio silence yourself. Don’t let on that stonewallers’ behavior bothers you. Again, they are seeking a reaction. Don’t give it to them. Carry on as if their behavior makes not one iota of difference in your life. Because in reality, it doesn’t. Remember, gaslighters don’t have any real power over you.

  GETTING OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GASLIGHTER

  Getting counseling is imperative when you are considering ending a relationship with a gaslighter, or have already done so. You may feel isolated, helpless, anxious, and depressed. These are all very common feelings when leaving someone who is abusive. You may continue having these feelings for quite a while after you have left a gaslighter. You are learning how to rebuild your self-concept, your self-esteem, and your life. For more information on counseling, see Chapter 12.

  “I stayed with him and defended him because I didn’t understand what his behavior was doing to me. He’s highly intelligent, and was able to get away with stalking me when he manipulated the police.”

  —Daisy, 50

  Here comes the tough love. If you are in a relationship with a gaslighter, you need to end it. It is an abusive relationship, and it will not improve. You need to get out. Please, please do the following, with the support of family and friends if you can:

  Set up blocking rules on your e-mail. Block all her e-mail addresses.

  Block calls and texts from her phone.

  Block calls from her friends.

  Block calls from her parents.

  Unfriend and block her on social media.

  Unfriend people who may report your activities and whereabouts to the gaslighter.

  If possible, move to a part of town where you are less likely to run into her.

  If you can’t move, avoid places you know she frequents.

  You need to end this relationship. This cannot be stressed enough. Things will only get worse with the gaslighter. So maybe this time, you didn’t get an STD from her cheating on you.… but what about the next time? If you stay, it’s almost guaranteed there will be a next time. In addition, if you hang in there, the gaslighter will have proof that she can take advantage of you and you will stay—resulting in more cheating.

  “It’s so hard to leave. So hard. To someone else, it might be easy, ‘he treats you like crap, leave.’ But you get to a point where you think you literally can’t survive without him.”

  —Winnie, 53

  Leaving the gaslighter is a very trying process. It may feel close to impossible to you right now. You would think leaving a gaslighter would be a relief—but instead it causes you the most heartache you’ve experienced in a relationship. How could you be so deceived? Are all women/men like this? The answer is no. They are not all like this.

  There is a bright future awaiting you. This relationship is not nurturing your soul or helping you become a better person. It is sucking your energy dry and increasing your depression and anxiety. You are not the person you were when you entered this relationship. Wouldn’t you like to get back to being that bright, vibrant person? It is possible.

  Moving Out

  If you have items in the gaslighter’s home (or your shared home), have someone else collect them for you. You can also have the police accompany you. First, ask yourself whether you really need those items. Are they valuable or do they have particular significance for you? If the answer is no, consider that maybe they’re just the price you have to pay to regain your sanity. Also, be honest with yourself. Do you really need that stuff, or are you maybe looking for a way to stay connected with the gaslighter? As I suggested earlier, a gaslighter can be like a drug, and you may be looking for a fix. Any contact with the gaslighter opens up the chance you’ll get sucked back in. And the pattern will never change. It’s hard but for your health and well-being you need to stay strong and disconnect.

  “I honestly don’t know what I would have done without the help of legal aid. They helped me protect myself and my kids when I left him.… I wasn’t sure how I was even going to get through the day.”

  —Sherise, 36

  If you are staying in the residence, have someone with you when the gaslighter removes his belongings. The police department can have someone present for your protection and the safety of your property. This is especially important if the gaslighter has firearms in your home. The police can secure the firearms before any other moving begins. Where possible, follow these precautions:

  Call the police’s nonemergency number to ask for a police officer to be present while your former partner moves his belongings out. If your former partner has firearms, let the police know, and they can make sure they are moved out of the home securely.

  Put the gaslighter’s belongings in the garage or another location, such as a rented storage unit, so he has limited access to your home.

  Change your locks and door codes immediately.

  If you live in a gated area or have a doorman or household help, alert such staff that from now on this person should not be let into the premises for any reason. Provide a name and photo. If you feel uncomfortable about doing this, be assured that gate guards and doormen consider protecting you as part of their job.

  Change the password on your wireless router and on your e-mail and other online accounts.

  Consider installing webcams and other forms of security. Some gaslighters have been known to hack into accounts, stalk their exes, and “test” security systems.

  Remove your name and contact information from online information search engines. For more information on these sites, see the Resources section at the end of this book.

  If you feel that you or your family members’ lives are in danger, contact your court about getting a restraining order against the gaslighter. A restraining order, granted by a judge, states that a person cannot contact you and cannot be within a certain distance of you or your home. This order does not protect a gaslighter from stalking you or threatening you, but you can report the behavior to the police, and the gaslighter can be arrested for violating the restraining order. It can be quite difficult for victims of gaslighters to completely stay away from the gaslighter, due to the gaslighter’s influence on victims. However, victims also need to follow the guidelines of the restraining order, and not contact the gaslighter—under any circumstances. For more information on restraining orders, see the Resources section at the end of this book.

  Keep documentation. If your ex contacts you directly or through others, write down the date, time, and exact events, including direct quotes. Notetaking apps or a notebook can be helpful for keeping track of this information. If you have to get the police or an attorney involved, presenting information kept all in one location will make the process much easier for you, and more helpful to them.

  There are most likely pro bono (free) legal services available in your community, and domestic violence shelters may accept you. Abuse is abuse, whether it is emotional, verbal, or physical. For more information on pro bono legal services and domestic violence shelters, see the Resources section at the end of this book.

  It is not uncommon after a breakup with a gaslighter to feel so despondent that you might try to hurt yourself. Gaslighters really excel at making you dependent on them, and breaking down your self-esteem and self-worth. If you are feeling as though you may hurt yourself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline right now at 1-800-273-8255.

  Flying Monkeys

  Once you have left a gaslighter, well-meaning friends and relatives may approach you and tell you they think you should give him another chance. They may even tell you that you’ve always been too sensitive or difficult. Chances are, the gaslighter contacted these people to put them up to this.
The people who willingly, and sometimes unwittingly, do the gaslighter’s bidding are known as “flying monkeys.” The term comes from the winged creatures who accompanied the Wicked Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz. The gaslighter sends these messengers to guilt you back into the relationship. Common flying monkey statements include the following:

  I really think you should give him another chance.

  I’m sure he really didn’t mean those things. You know you can be difficult sometimes.

  He’s really upset right now. I think you should call him.

  He said he’s throwing the rest of your stuff on the street.

  The two of you were really good together.

  I heard he’s interested in someone that might be perfect for him.

  Be very clear with these sometimes well-meaning people that you will not talk with them about your ex under any circumstances. If flying monkeys bring up your ex again, shut them down immediately. In extreme cases, you may need to limit or cut off your contact with the flying monkeys as well.

  Children

  If you have children with the gaslighter, rest assured that in Chapter 8 we will discuss what to do. There are solutions for these situations where you are not able to fully cut off contact. For example, hiring or having a parent coordinator appointed for you can help you navigate the coparenting relationship.

  Pets

  If you share a pet with a gaslighter, take your pet with you—even if you got the pet together. Your pet’s well-being is at stake. Gaslighters will use a pet as a tool to get you back. They may even hurt or threaten to hurt a pet as a way to get revenge or attention. Contact the police and an attorney if the gaslighter refuses to give you your pet.

  It is possible the gaslighter has already abused your pet. As you learned in Chapter 1, gaslighters have little true regard for the feelings or suffering of other living things. Never leave your pet alone with a gaslighter. There is a large chance your pet will “accidentally” get loose or will be put down.

  If the pet was the gaslighter’s pet before your relationship, you may not be able to take the animal, but you can still report any abuse you witness or suspect. Expect your gaslighter ex to flaunt “custody” of your pet. The ex-wife of one of my clients posted numerous photos on social media of my client’s dogs with her new boyfriend.

  It’s rough, I know, but you have to move on.

  Not Sure Whether You Should Leave?

  If you’re not sure whether you should leave, stop for a minute and think about someone whom you admire. It could be someone in your family, or someone you’ve never met. What would that person say to you about this situation? What would you say if a friend were in this predicament? Chances are, you’d say leave.

  Ask yourself what you have learned from this relationship. What are the positives and negatives of this relationship? Where do you see this relationship in a year? In five years? If you can’t envision yourself with this person even a year from now, it is time to get out.

  Are your needs being met? It may be difficult to remember what your needs even are when you’ve spent so much time trying to fulfill a gaslighter’s needs. Healthy needs in a relationship include:

  Being listened to and heard

  Being yourself without reservation

  Receiving physical affection

  Being safe

  Being respected

  How does your relationship fit into your core values? If you’ve been in a gaslighting relationship for a considerable amount of time, you may not be sure about your values and opinions. This is because the gaslighter has eroded your self-confidence to the point where you aren’t sure of what you stand for and what you believe. It is normal to feel lost about these things after being in a relationship with a gaslighter.

  A person’s values may include:

  Honesty

  Kindness

  Safety and security

  Helping others

  What are things your partner ridiculed you about? What are some activities you used to enjoy but were told they were silly or meaningless? Get out there and pick up those activities again. Chances are, you will rediscover yourself quickly if you are engaged in an activity you enjoy.

  Are there people in your life from whom you have become distant because of what the gaslighter has told you about them? Would you like to reconnect with them? If so, it may take getting out of your relationship to do so.

  Remember that you don’t even need a reason to end a relationship. Also give up the idea of having a civil breakup—that is close to impossible with the gaslighter. It will be painful, it will be difficult, but you will be okay. Maybe not right now, maybe not in the immediate future, but you will be okay.

  NOW LET’S LOOK at how to spot a gaslighter when you are on the dating scene, so you can avoid getting into a relationship with one ever again. Once you become aware of gaslighters’ “tells,” you are less likely to fall for their manipulation. Gaslighters give away some of their controlling behaviors even before the first date.

  3

  PASSIONATE, CONFIDENT—AND OUT FOR CONTROL

  How to Avoid Falling for a Gaslighter in the First Place

  BEFORE YOU EVEN GET INVOLVED WITH A GASLIGHTER, THERE ARE usually a number of signs you can learn to spot. In fact, signs present in the early stages of dating gaslighters will often tell you everything you need to know about how sticking with them will be detrimental to your well-being.

  A few things to know up front: For starters, gaslighters tend to live in larger cities. They need anonymity to succeed at their game. In a big city, it’s less likely that word of their bad behavior will get around. And the chances that you’ll run into one of their former partners, for example, will decrease as well. Of course, if you live in a city, you aren’t going to want to avoid all eligible prospects just because they live in your city, too, but it’s one piece of the puzzle that’s good to bear in mind.

  “On our second date he talked about how great his former marriage was. I asked him why it ended. He told me it was none of my business. That should have been a clue.”

  —Maggie, 27

  For some of the same reasons—relative anonymity, unlikelihood that you’ll run into an ex—online dating has been a boon for gaslighters. There are other reasons, too, which we’ll look at in a moment. I’ll also list some first-date red flags and discuss how gaslighters target their victims, whom they see as easy prey, and how not to get romantically involved if your gut tells you something is off.

  “I must be a magnet for manipulators. I guess I’m just too nice, and try to see the good in people. I refuse to get bitter about it. Then they’ve won.”

  —Vanessa, 24

  ONLINE DATING

  Apps and websites have become our default mode for dating. We find it easier to meet a potential mate via the Internet rather than the old standbys of friends, bars, social gatherings, and work. It’s no surprise why. These days our digital devices are always in our hands. Plus, it’s efficient, and in some ways less frightening. You can get a feel for someone before you actually have to talk with the person or interact face to face. However, everything has side effects. The negative side of online dating is that it can make you an easier target for gaslighters (and other creeps).

  It’s also no surprise that gaslighters like dating apps and websites so much. They can be whomever they want in their profile. They can tell you exactly what you want to hear. Via online dating, gaslighters have access to many people (potential victims) they otherwise wouldn’t have met, and they can easily spot clues of vulnerability in people’s profiles. Understanding these clues, which we usually give out so unwittingly, is a good first line of defense.

  What Makes the Gaslighter Pick You?

  Out of all the online dating profiles, what makes a gaslighter contact you? First, lest you think you’ve been singularly clueless or otherwise to blame, understand that you are rarely the only one. Especially because of the efficiencies of dating apps, gaslighters will usually hav
e many potential targets.

  As you learned in Chapter 1, scarcity is a tactic favored by gaslighters, and online dating makes the scarcity game very easy to play. You are chatting back and forth with someone and then—poof!—he disappears. You question what happened. You look up articles to try to figure out whether he is interested. You convince yourself that men are emotional rubber bands—the closer they get, the more they pull back. Just when you are about to give up, the gaslighter shows up again. He has invoked scarcity.

  If you respond by playing it cool and acting as if nothing happened, you’ll usually pass the “test” and the gaslighter will continue to contact you. If you ask too many questions, such as “Why were you ignoring my messages?” the gaslighter will probably drop you like a hot potato, blame you, and even accuse you of being desperate.

  This is because the gaslighter sensed from your response that you would be someone likely to hold him accountable for his behavior in the future, and he doesn’t want that! The way things start with someone is usually how they go from that point forward. If you meet someone who doesn’t even give an explanation for not contacting you before a first date, how do you think the rest of that relationship is going to work?

  The best course of action when encountering someone who “ghosts” and reappears is to not respond and move on.