Gaslighting Read online

  Some of us learned about gaslighting as children—from parents who used these behaviors to control. In Chapter 8, we’ll look at how to cope with a parent who is or was a gaslighter. You will learn how a gaslighting parent can affect their children into adulthood. We’ll also take a look at how gaslighting behaviors are often passed generation to generation. Kids raised by gaslighters often use gaslighting tactics themselves, in their own intimate relationships and friendships. These behaviors are called “fleas”—from the saying “Lie down with dogs and you will end up with fleas.”

  Continuing to utilize coping skills learned from gaslighting parents can lead to a lifetime of strained and broken relationships. Since many gaslighting parents have personality disorders, and children mimic their behaviors, the children are often misdiagnosed with personality disorders, too (Donatone 2016).

  Whereas some children of gaslighters grow up to be gaslighters themselves, some do not. In fact, some children of gaslighters develop the opposite of a gaslighting personality—they become codependent and parentified—they take on a parental role toward their own parent(s). For this reason, we’ll also cover how to handle a situation where you are caretaking a gaslighting parent, and how to handle gaslighters when completely removing them from your life is not an option. You will also learn how to cope when your siblings or adult children are gaslighters. You can’t always break off contact with these people as you can with coworkers and friends. You’ll learn how to cope when your siblings gaslight you. You will learn more about the “golden child” and “scapegoat” and how these roles play out in your adult relationships with your siblings.

  The word frenemy was probably invented for gaslighters. These are folks with whom you seem to have a friendship, but it is always fraught with competition and rivalry. In Chapter 9, you will learn about these “emotional vampires” in friendships who can suck a person’s energy dry. Gaslighters will collect “ammunition” from you to use that information against you later. They’ll treat your vulnerability, usually a healthy part of relationships, as a weakness to be exploited. Gaslighters are also notorious for “splitting”—pitting friends against each other—so the victim has to lean on the gaslighter for support. The chapter will include tips on what to do when gaslighters spread harmful rumors about you to others—a common tactic when gaslighters feel you distancing yourself.

  In Chapter 10, we’ll look at how to cope with a gaslighting ex or ex’s new partner that you can never really cut off. If you have children with a gaslighter, not only can you never truly leave the person, but you see your children suffering as a result. Parental alienation, turning the children against a parent, is a common goal of gaslighters (Kraus 2016). One parental alienation tactic used by gaslighters is to have their children refer to the other parent by her first name or asking the other parent to refer to the children by new names, to create emotional distance between the other parent and her children (Warshak 2015).

  Gaslighters will sometimes even falsify abuse allegations to gain custody of the children. It’s not the children’s welfare they’re interested in—it’s control of the children and a way to “punish” the other parent. I have seen lengthy court battles that leave the nongaslighting parent emotionally and financially bankrupt. This chapter discusses how you can protect your children and fight for their rights and mental health.

  By this point in the book, you may realize that you have gaslighting behaviors—or you may have suspected as much from the start and that’s why you are reading in the first place. Chapter 11 will offer you guidance and perspective if you think you have been gaslighting others. Help for gaslighting behavior includes seeking counseling and coming to terms with how you have manipulated and hurt those around you. You’ll learn more about how being around gaslighters for any length of time can bring out gaslighting behaviors in you as a way to cope—this is especially true if your parents or a long-term partner were gaslighters.

  And finally, in Chapter 12 we’ll revisit counseling treatments for protecting yourself and healing from a gaslighter’s behavior. I’ll give you information on how to find the best mental health professional for you, including what questions you should ask when you call to make an appointment. You will learn about different talk therapy approaches, and which might work best for you. You’ll find in-depth information on different types of talk therapy: client-centered therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, and solution-focused therapy. You will also find techniques to relieve anxiety that you can practice on your own, without needing to see a clinician. Additionally, you’ll discover whether individual or group therapy works best for you. I’ll also give you information on meditation, and how it can help you heal from gaslighting. Meditation is a no-cost, easy-access way to really decrease your stress level and boost your power to cope.

  At the back of the book you’ll find numerous resources—books, websites, and contacts to help you cope with being gaslighted.

  Throughout, you’ll be hearing directly from people who have experienced gaslighting firsthand. For privacy and safety reasons, identifying details have been masked, names have been changed, and in some cases, stories have been blended.

  Without further ado, let’s get to it.

  1

  IS IT ME, OR IS IT YOU MAKING ME THINK IT’S ME?

  Portrait of a Gaslighter

  GASLIGHTERS HAVE A NUMBER OF CHARACTERISTICS THAT ARE IMPORTANT to know. The list you’ll encounter in this chapter may seem long or overbroad. My purpose in breaking out this list is not to create a clinical definition so much as to draw a better picture of what gaslighting is, how it operates, and how you can spot it.

  You may find yourself thinking, “Well, that could describe the dynamics between my sister and me sometimes, and she’s not a gaslighter.” What we’re looking at here are patterns. When enough of these qualities are present and persistent in a person, chances are you are dealing with a gaslighter.

  So, let’s begin to paint our portrait.

  Their Apologies Are Always Conditional

  One of the first things people often notice about gaslighters is that they are masters of the “conditional apology.” You know, when someone says, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” That’s not an apology; the other person is not taking responsibility for his behavior, he’s simply manipulating you into feeling seen by acknowledging your feelings. Gaslighters will only apologize if they are trying to get something out of you. Even if they do give you an apology, if you listen carefully, you’ll see that it’s really a nonapology, and they’ll usually only give it because you asked for one or because they were forced by a judge or mediator to do so.

  “I was hit with, ‘I’m sorry I cheated, but if you were a better wife I wouldn’t have looked for affection elsewhere.’”

  —Toni, 56

  They Use Triangulation and Splitting

  Gaslighters have a whole bag of tricks for manipulating people, but two of their favorites are triangulation and splitting, because driving a wedge between you and other people serves their need to dominate and control. Let’s look at these two tactics. Gaslighters triangulate and split for the following reasons:

  “My coworker told me that my gaslighting boss said he was letting me go. Gee, it would have been nice if my boss had told me himself.”

  —James, 35

  To pit people against each other

  To get people to align with them

  To avoid direct confrontation

  To avoid responsibility for their actions

  To smear your character

  To spread lies

  To create chaos

  Triangulation

  Triangulation is the psychological term for communicating with someone through other people. Instead of directly speaking to someone, gaslighters will go to a mutual friend, another coworker, a sibling, or another parent to get a message across. Triangulation behavior ranges from implied communication—“I really wish Sa
lly would stop calling me,” hoping the receiver will pass this message along to Sally, to blatant statements, such as “Please tell Sally to stop calling me.” Both are manipulative and indirect.

  “My husband told me my mother-in-law wanted to tell me she didn’t agree with how I parented my child. I told him she could come talk to me herself, and I refused to talk about it with him any further. This is part of a pattern of manipulation from her.”

  —Joanie, 30

  Splitting

  Gaslighters also love to pit people against each other. This is known as splitting. It gives them a sense of power and control. An example of splitting would be lying to a one friend about another, saying that a mutual friend had said something unflattering about them.

  Gaslighters are the ultimate agitators and instigators. They get a power blast from getting people riled up and fighting with each other. The gaslighters will then watch comfortably from the sidelines, the very fight that they caused.

  Follow this simple rule: Unless a person says something to you directly, assume that what you are told was said about you by that person is not true.

  Gaslighters know that splitting and triangulating will draw you closer to them—and distance you from the person they are pitting you against.

  “My ex told me my son said to him that I needed to back off, and that he promised my son he wouldn’t say anything. I called my son and asked him if he was having any concerns, and if there was something he wanted to talk about. He said no, he was fine, and we chatted for a bit. I knew what would happen if I had talked ‘through’ my ex—total chaos.”

  —Maggie, 55

  They Use Blatant Attempts to Curry Favor

  Gaslighters are also masters at buttering people up. They will use false flattery to get what they want from you. As soon as you fulfill their needs, they’ll drop their mask of niceness. Trust your gut. If the friendliness seems forced or phony, beware.

  They Expect Special Treatment

  Gaslighters feel that standard societal rules, such as politeness, respect, and patience, don’t apply to them—they are above these rules. For example, a gaslighter will expect his partner to be home precisely at a certain time and have dinner on the table when he gets home. If the partner doesn’t fulfill this obligation, the gaslighter becomes irrationally angry and retaliates.

  They Mistreat People Who Have Less Power

  You can tell a lot about people by how they treat a person who has less power than they do. For example, look at how someone treats waitstaff at a restaurant. Does she bark her order at the server, or does she order politely? What happens when a dish comes out and it is not what the diner requested? Does she assertively but politely ask for a correction, or does she make a scene and yell at the server? Demeaning the server can be a symptom of gaslighting.

  “My ex-boyfriend would tease my little brother, but not in a buddy-buddy kind of way. It was more ‘I’m going to figure out your weak spots and expose them.’”

  —Heidi, 29

  Another indication of gaslighting is how people behave toward or discuss children and animals. There is a difference between being indifferent to children or animals and treating them with disdain. Gaslighters may tease and pick on people or creatures perceived as “lesser.”

  You may also find that gaslighters have issues with road rage. They see someone cutting them off or not using a turn signal as a personal affront. They are ready to get even and correct this “wrong” that has been done to them. This behavior puts other drivers and the gaslighters’ other passengers in danger.

  “At dinner with my ex-girlfriend, she screamed at the server when he brought out the wrong meal.”

  —Daniel, 28

  They Use Your Weaknesses Against You

  Many times, you’ll begin a relationship with a gaslighter feeling very safe, so you do what any trusting human in what she thinks is a healthy relationship would do—you share your intimate thoughts and feelings with the person. This is normal, natural, a healthy part of developing a close relationship. However, notice that the gaslighter rarely reveals as much intimate information about himself. Meanwhile, the information you share will soon be getting used against you in fights—it becomes psychological ammunition. For instance, a confidence you shared with the gaslighter about your conflicted relationship with your sister is now thrown back at you as, “No wonder we are arguing. Your sister can’t stand you, either. You treat her the same way you treat me.”

  “When he saw me crying during an argument, he took it as a chance to pounce on me. He saw a weakness like animals see fresh blood.”

  —Dominique, 30

  They Compare You to Others

  Gaslighters also use comparison as a way of driving a wedge between people, thus gaining control. Parents who gaslight frequently compare their children to each other—and in unrealistic and blatant ways. The gaslighting parent usually has a “golden child” and a “scapegoat child.” The former can do no wrong, whereas the latter can do no right. This pits siblings against each other, and these feelings of competition commonly extend into adulthood.

  Your boss may say, “Why can’t you produce like Jane? She comes in at eight every morning. If she can do it, so can you.” You may always be on the losing end of a comparison, except if it is to denigrate your “competition.” That is, gaslighters may sing your praises to others if their goal is to make those others look bad. Perfection is unattainable, no matter how hard you try to meet the gaslighter’s unreasonable expectations.

  They Are Obsessed with Their Accomplishments

  Gaslighters often will boast about the things they have accomplished, such as how they got an employee-of-the-month award at work. Never mind that it was fifteen years ago! They will badger you when you don’t react with enthusiasm and praise when they tell you once again about the time that they “dropped the mic” on someone. Gaslighters put an extreme amount of importance on their own accomplishments, however delusional these accomplishments and attributes may be.

  “When my girlfriend and I get into a fight, she constantly reminds me of how she was class valedictorian and that somehow makes her smarter than me. Hello, that was almost 20 years ago, and you had, like, 15 people in your graduating class.”

  —Victor, 37

  They Prefer to Associate with People Who Fawn Over Them

  Friends who would confront gaslighters about their behavior have no place in the gaslighters’ life. Gaslighters will associate only with people who put them up on a pedestal, the way they feel they deserve to be treated. The second gaslighters feel that you no longer admire and cater to them, they will drop you.

  They Put You in a Double Bind

  Double binds are situations in which you are forced to choose between two undesirable options, or you are given conflicting messages. For instance, your gaslighting spouse tells you that you need to lose weight, then serves various desserts that night at dinner. You are in a no-win situation. Gaslighters like to place people in emotional dilemmas—your uncertainty is a sign to them that they have control over you.

  They Are Obsessed with Their Image

  How dare you make gaslighters look bad! They will pay you back. Gaslighters are obsessed with how they look to others. They tend to spend a large amount of money on grooming products and a lot of time looking at themselves in the mirror. They may get upset when you touch their hair or use one of their grooming products. Perfection is their goal—and it is impossible to obtain. Some gaslighters will even forgo necessities to pay for cosmetic surgery and other appearance-enhancing procedures.

  They Are Obsessed with Your Image

  Not only can gaslighters be overly obsessed with how they look, they can also be very particular about how you look. Body weight tends to especially be a target for gaslighters. They will ridicule their partners about their weight and clothing choices. Gaslighters will buy outfits for their partners that they deem acceptable. The underlying message: you are not good enough.

  They Con Peop
le

  Everything is a game to gaslighters—and conning is an essential part of the game.

  Gaslighters want to see how much they can swindle you, emotionally or financially. Gaslighters are also are not as smart as they think—they will openly brag about their cons. This is one thing that often leads to their downfall.

  “My brother said he needed to borrow a thousand dollars for rent because he had hit a rough patch. He cried about how his life had fallen apart. I scraped the money together for him. I found out later he blew it all gambling.”

  —Shawna, 35

  They Cause Fear in Others

  Family and friends of a gaslighter may defend the gaslighter against people that have the audacity to call him out on his behavior, or may themselves avoid confronting the gaslighter. This occurs for two main reasons: (1) The friends and family have become accustomed to the gaslighter’s behavior and consider it to be normal; and (2) they are protecting themselves from looking disloyal to the gaslighter. This is especially common in the children of gaslighters. You will learn more about parentification of gaslighters’ children in Chapter 5. When family and friends experience the retaliation of the gaslighter, they learn to fear him and avoid confronting him at all costs.