Gaslighting Read online

  “I was with my class on a field trip, and one of the parent chaperones started yelling at a kid because he bumped into her. He was in sixth grade and having fun with his friends—it wasn’t a personal slight. The chaperone’s son, also a sixth grader, told the boy, ‘Now you’ve made her mad.’”

  —Alex, 30

  They Have a Bad Temper

  Because gaslighters feel they are “owed” loyalty by others and because they have a fragile ego, any behavior is taken personally by gaslighters—with disastrous consequences to victims. Gun violence is a concern with gaslighters due to their hot tempers. In the United States, 8.9 percent of the population have both impulsive angry behavior and own firearms (Swanson et al. 2015).

  “He told my daughter she was worthless and she would be lucky to find someone stupid enough to marry her. What did she do to get him so angry? She told him to stop yelling at her.”

  —Nora, 45

  Gaslighters at first will try to quietly display this anger, as to keep up their facade of perfection. However, they can only keep up this fake display for so long. The first time you see the gaslighter drop that mask, it can be quite startling.

  Punishment Doesn’t Affect Them

  People with Cluster B personality disorders, those higher in gaslighting behaviors, tend to have a different neuron-firing pattern than do other people when disciplined or punished. They also don’t value rewards in the way other people do (Gregory et al. 2015). This means that punishment and rewards tend to have less of an effect, which results in gaslighters’ being more likely to “do their own thing” without concern about reactions from others.

  They Practice “Cognitive Empathy”

  Gaslighters may seem to understand how you feel, but take a closer look and you’ll notice a robotic quality to their expressions of empathy. Their reactions seem flat or prerecorded—there is no real emotion behind their words. Gaslighters are experts at using “cognitive empathy”—acting as if they have empathy without actually feeling it.

  They Refuse Personal Responsibility

  It is always someone else’s fault. This is the gaslighters’ mantra. As noted earlier, personality disorders have a feature called ego-syntonic behavior. This means that people with a personality disorder feel that they are normal and everyone else is crazy. They feel their behavior is perfectly acceptable and meets the needs of their ego. This is one of the reasons that people with personality disorders are so difficult to treat—they don’t think anything is wrong with them or their behavior.

  “I was seeing a family for therapy, and the mother no longer wanted to attend sessions—she just wanted to have her kid come in so I could ‘fix him.’ But she was more than willing to call me at all hours telling me how horrible her son was. When I told her that attending her son’s sessions was a condition of therapy, she said I was a terrible therapist.”

  —Jason, 50

  They Wear You Down over Time

  Gaslighters bank on the idea that, with enough time, they can weaken your spirit. They also expect that if they gradually ramp up their manipulative behavior, you will be the proverbial frog in the frying pan. And so, they will increase the heat so slowly that you don’t realize you’re being psychologically burned alive. In the beginning of your relationship with a gaslighter, things may be pretty good—in fact, they are too good to be true. The gaslighter still even compliments you from time to time. Then, the criticisms creep in. The reason for this flip-flop between contempt and praise? Gaslighters know confusion weakens the psyche. With uncertainty comes vulnerability. Toward the end, you are believing blatant lies that you never would have accepted at the beginning of your relationship.

  They Habitually Lie

  If gaslighters are caught with the proverbial “hand in the cookie jar,” they will look you right in the eye and tell you they did no such thing. It makes you question your sanity—Maybe I didn’t see them do that after all. This is what they want—for you to become more dependent on their version of reality. They may even push things further along by telling you that you are losing your mind. What gaslighters say is virtually meaningless; they are habitual liars. For this reason, you always want to pay attention to what gaslighters do, not what they say.

  “My ex told me that I never saw any inappropriate texts on his phone. He actually said he thought I was losing my mind. I started to think maybe he was right.”

  —Audra, 29

  They Are Terrible Teasers

  Gaslighters are terrible teasers. At first, it’s small things said when the two of you are alone, such as how your hair looks, or your accent. It then ramps up to their teasing you in front of your friends. When you say that their comments or mimicry bothers you, they tell you that you are being too sensitive. This is different than just regular sibling teasing or joking around with friends. With gaslighters, it is a perpetual teasing, it has a mean quality to it, and most important, your requests for it to stop go unheeded.

  “My brother always calls me a loser. A few times, fine. But then he did it in front of girls I was interested in, and his voice would get really mean-sounding. I told him it wasn’t cool to do that, and he just blew it off, like, ‘Deal with it.’”

  —Javier, 25

  Their Compliments Aren’t Really

  The gaslighter is a pro at giving out “complisults,” a portmanteau of compliment and insult. There is no such thing as a true compliment with a gaslighter (or narcissist). It is always backhanded or passive-aggressive (see here).

  “He said that the dinner I cooked was really good.… and that he was glad he finally taught me how to cook. I went from feeling good to feeling terrible in a couple of seconds.”

  —Mila, 23

  They Project Their Emotions

  Gaslighters may have such a poor sense of their own emotions or actions that they have no idea they are projecting their behavior onto someone else. For example, a gaslighter will say you need a drug test, when he, himself, is the one who is using.

  They Isolate You

  Gaslighters tend to tell you that your friends and family are bad influences on you, or that you don’t seem happy when you are around those you actually care about. They may also refuse to go to family events with you because “Your family makes me uncomfortable” or some other vague, substance-less excuse. Such a gaslighter is banking on the idea that instead of having to explain to your family why you are attending holiday events without him, you’ll end up spending the occasion alone with him. The more the gaslighter succeeds at isolating you, the more susceptible you are to his control.

  They Use “Flying Monkeys”

  Gaslighters will try to send messages to you through other people—especially when you take the courageous step to cut off contact. These people are sometimes unwittingly carrying a gaslighter’s messages. You will learn more about flying monkeys in Chapter 2.

  They Tell Others That You Are Crazy

  Gaslighters will drive wedges between you and other people in all sorts of clever ways. After you leave a job with a gaslighting boss, for instance, your colleagues might tell you that they wondered what was going on, because the boss told them to “tread lightly around that one.” There is no more effective way to discredit you than to tell people that you are crazy. You are now seen as fragile and unstable.

  They Don’t Keep Promises

  For gaslighters, promises are made to be broken. If gaslighters promise you anything, assume that it is an empty promise. If a gaslighter happens to be your employer, get those promises in writing. You’ll learn more about gaslighting in the workplace in Chapter 4.

  “My ex-boyfriend told me his boss said he could relocate when I got a new job across the country. But when my new job was confirmed, my ex said his boss took back the offer. This wasn’t the first time he changed his story when things got down to the wire.”

  —Jerusha, 28

  Loyalty Is Required—But Not Reciprocal

  Gaslighters require complete and unrealistic loyalty—but don
’t expect loyalty from them. As you’ll learn in Chapter 2, they are notorious for their compulsive infidelity. Gaslighters do whatever they want to you, but God help you if they think you’ve betrayed them. They will make your life a living hell.

  They Kick People When They Are Down

  Not merely satisfied to leave well enough alone when they have inflicted their damage, gaslighters continues to beat those who are on the ground. They get a sick pleasure from watching others suffer. They especially get excited when they know someone is suffering because of them.

  They Avoid Admitting Problems They’ve Caused

  Gaslighters will say that you, or people around them, are irrational and have things all wrong, when in reality they are avoiding having to explain themselves or take responsibility for their actions. For example, gaslighters will put their coworkers at risk by not following workplace safety guidelines. When they are confronted by superiors about these violations, they argue that no one really got hurt, and that they are being unfairly targeted. Or gaslighting parents who are told by their child’s teacher that it would be helpful if they would spend more time on reading at home, will automatically blame the other parent for the child’s issues with reading, or blame the teacher or the school for bringing it up.

  They Bait and Switch

  Your gaslighter boss comes by your cubicle and asks whether you have a couple of minutes to chat about a new project. You are excited, especially because this extra work might be an incentive for the boss to give you a raise. In the meeting with your boss, you’re told that you do have a new project—because someone else was let go. Now you have additional responsibility without reward. Before you can ask any questions, the boss tells you he is busy, and closes the door behind you. This is a classic manipulation move—bring people in by promising them one thing, then switch it on them once they accept it.

  BUT DON’T PEOPLE JUST MANIPULATE OTHERS SOMETIMES?

  What’s the difference between someone who manipulates for a particular benefit, and a gaslighter? It’s a fine line. Whereas manipulation (or influence) is an essential part of some jobs, such as sales, it’s a pattern of behavior with gaslighters—their default mode. That is, when most people lie, it’s for a specific outcome—to avoid confrontation, get ahead, or curry favor with someone. But with gaslighters, there is no particular reason to lie and yet they do it over and over again, often in an escalating fashion as they feel the effects of their power. This is done just for the sake of doing it—to con, gain control of, and confuse you. Gaslighters manipulate others not just situationally but as a way of life.

  WHY DO GASLIGHTERS BEHAVE THIS WAY?

  For gaslighters, everything they do is about gaining power over others and filling their endless pit of neediness. There is a debate regarding “nature vs. nurture” with gaslighters. Sometimes people are just born manipulators. Gaslighting behaviors can also be learned from parents or other people in a child’s life. Gaslighters who were psychologically abused as children learned maladaptive coping techniques so as to cope with the cruelty inflicted upon them. In Chapter 7 you will learn more about gaslighters in the family.

  Many gaslighters have narcissistic injury—a perceived threat to their self-worth or self-esteem. They then react with narcissistic rage. This rage isn’t always loud—it can be quiet and just as dangerous. In fact, when the narcissist is full of rage, it usually comes across as an eerie calm—enough to make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up.

  WHY HAVE YOU LIVED WITH THIS?

  It takes a certain amount of cognitive dissonance to remain connected to a gaslighter—whether it is a partner, sibling, parent, coworker, or someone you helped elect. Cognitive dissonance occurs when you have information about the gaslighter that is completely contradictory to your beliefs, values, and what you thought you knew about that person. When we have a state of cognitive dissonance, we react in one of the following ways:

  We ignore the contradictory information.

  We fight against the contradictory information.

  We replace our beliefs and values with the contradictory information.

  You may have put up with it because you convinced yourself that it was normal. But the healthiest way to resolve cognitive dissonance is to take action to bring yourself back into alignment with your own beliefs and values—and many times that means leaving or distancing yourself from the gaslighter. You will learn more in this book about how to do this in a healthy way—even if you have to have some form of ongoing contact with the gaslighter, such as in a coparenting relationship.

  SO, WHAT CAN YOU DO?

  Throughout this book we’ll look at ways to decrease a gaslighter’s influence in your life. Many of these will boil down to one thing: get as far away as possible. Because gaslighters are so slippery and manipulative, your best bet is to cut off all contact. If you can’t completely cut off contact, drastically reduce it. Also, never let them see you sweat. Gaslighters’ payoff is knowing they’ve upset you. If you don’t react or act bored, they will usually leave you alone.

  Some people try giving a gaslighter “a taste of his own medicine” by yelling and manipulating right back. This can work in the very short term, shocking the gaslighter into silence, but don’t be fooled. He’ll come back for revenge. This is a tricky game to play. And at what cost to you? In Chapter 7, we’ll look at what it means to have “fleas”—to take on the gaslighter’s behaviors. It doesn’t work. You don’t want to start acting like a gaslighter, no matter how strong the temptation.

  IF YOU’VE FORGOTTEN HOW HEALTHY PEOPLE BEHAVE.…

  If you’ve been around a gaslighter for a while, it can be easy to forget what a psychologically healthy person looks like. Psychologically healthy people:

  Encourage expression of opinions

  Say what they mean and mean what they say

  Support you even if they don’t agree with you

  Let you know in a direct and kind way if you’ve hurt them

  Are capable of emotional intimacy—the mutual sharing of feelings and ideas

  Trust others

  Exhibit behaviors that are genuine and authentic

  LET’S MOVE ON to how gaslighting works in dating and intimate relationships. So many good, smart, loving people find themselves with gaslighters, and I want to show you that there are ways out. You don’t have to live your life under their spell.

  2

  LOVE-BOMBED, HOOVERED, DEVALUED, AND DISCARDED

  Gaslighting in Intimate Relationships

  ONE OF THE MOST COMMON PLACES YOU’LL FIND GASLIGHTING IS IN intimate relationships. Gaslighters are very seductive. They will sweep you off your feet (we call this love-bombing—more to follow)—and then drop you off a cliff. But the initial seduction is so strong that when things do go south, it’s hard not to feel that you’re to blame or that somehow you should be able to get that wonderful person back.

  But that’s not the way it works with the gaslighter. The initial charm is all part of the game. There is no getting that wonderful person back. He doesn’t exist.

  As noted in the Introduction, both women and men can be gaslighters. In fact, as far as we know, the genders are represented equally. One reason we tend to think of gaslighting as a male “sport,” is that men are often more reluctant (perhaps embarrassed) to talk to someone about a female partner who is being emotionally abusive. Other times, when they do feel the need and build up the courage to talk about it, they are not believed. One of my aims here is to correct this view. Men who are being gaslighted by women are just as entitled to relief and good support as women are! Not to mention that gaslighting happens in LGBTQ relationships, too.

  “I caught him cheating, and he said, ‘We never agreed to be monogamous.’”

  —Ted, 50

  Relationships with gaslighters are filled with tumult—so much so that it’s easy to feel shame. But being attracted to a gaslighter is no cause for shame. Even brilliant, successful, and otherwise discerning people can be easily
seduced by a gaslighter’s many initial charms. With the tools and insights in this chapter, you’ll be able not only to discern whether you are in a relationship with a gaslighter but discover some strategies for getting away.

  With a gaslighter, once the behavior emerges, there is rarely a calm moment. You are constantly wondering what you did to upset him. You can’t figure out what’s wrong, and maybe you turn to the Internet for help but can’t find it. Your family and friends are concerned for you. And all the while, the gaslighter is telling you that your family and friends are up to no good, that you need to get away from them. (It’s all part of his snare.)

  How could something that started out so wonderfully go so wrong?

  Because gaslighters are masters at hooking people in—and then tossing them out. They know how to give you whiplash like you’ve never had before.