Gaslighting Read online

  Copyright

  Note: The information in this book is true and complete to the best of our knowledge. This book is intended only as an informative guide for those wishing to know more about health issues. In no way is this book intended to replace, countermand, or conflict with the advice given to you by your own physician. The ultimate decision concerning care should be made between you and your doctor. We strongly recommend you follow his or her advice. Information in this book is general and is offered with no guarantees on the part of the authors or Da Capo Press. The authors and publisher disclaim all liability in connection with the use of this book. The names and identifying details of people associated with events described in this book have been changed. Any similarity to actual persons is coincidental.

  Copyright © 2018 by Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, PhD

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  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Sarkis, Stephanie, author.

  Title: Gaslighting: recognize manipulative and emotionally abusive People—and break free / by Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, PhD.

  Description: Boston : Da Capo Press, [2018] | Includes bibliographical references and index.

  Identifiers: LCCN 2018013132 (print) | LCCN 2018025994 (ebook) | ISBN 9780738284651 (e-book) | ISBN 9780738284668 (pbk.)

  Subjects: LCSH: Manipulative behavior. | Psychological abuse.

  Classification: LCC BF632.5 (ebook) | LCC BF632.5 .S27 2018 (print) | DDC

  158.2—dc23

  LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018013132

  ISBNs: 978-0-7382-8466-8 (trade paperback); 978-0-7382-8465-1 (e-book)

  E3-20180821-JV-NF

  CONTENTS

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  INTRODUCTION

  1 IS IT ME, OR IS IT YOU MAKING ME THINK IT’S ME?

  Portrait of a Gaslighter

  2 LOVE-BOMBED, HOOVERED, DEVALUED, AND DISCARDED

  Gaslighting in Intimate Relationships

  3 PASSIONATE, CONFIDENT—AND OUT FOR CONTROL

  How to Avoid Falling for a Gaslighter in the First Place

  4 SABOTEURS, HARASSERS, OFF-LOADERS, AND THUNDER STEALERS

  Gaslighters in the Workplace

  5 YOU, TOO

  Sexual Harassment, Violence, Domestic Abuse, and Gaslighters

  6 MAD FOR POWER

  Gaslighters in Politics, Society, and Social Media

  7 BEWARE THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN

  False Messiahs, Extremist Groups, Closed Communities, Cults, and Gaslighting

  8 THE ONES WHO REALLY GET UNDER YOUR SKIN

  Gaslighters in Your Family

  9 WITH FRENEMIES LIKE THESE

  Gaslighting in Friendships

  10 YOUR EX, YOUR KIDS, YOUR EX’S NEW SPOUSE, YOUR NEW SPOUSE’S EX

  Gaslighting in Divorce and Coparenting

  11 WHO, ME?

  What to Do When You Are the Gaslighter

  12 GETTING FREE

  Counseling and Other Ways to Get Help

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Also By Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, Phd

  Resources

  References

  Index

  To everyone who is experiencing gaslighting—may you find light, hope, and healing.

  INTRODUCTION

  YOU KNOW THE GASLIGHTER. HE’S THE CHARMER—THE WITTY, CONFIDENT, but overly controlling date. She’s the woman on your team who always manages to take credit for your good work. He’s the neighbor who swears you’ve been putting your garbage into his trash cans, the politician who can never admit to a mistake, the harasser who says you asked for it. Gaslighters are master controllers and manipulators, often challenging your very sense of reality. And they can be found everywhere. International political figures, celebrities, your boss, your sibling or parent, a friend, your coworker, your neighbor, your partner—any one of these people is in a position to gaslight.

  Gaslighters will convince us that we are crazy, that we are abusive, that we are a huge bundle of problems and no one else will want us, that we are terrible employees who haven’t been fired yet just by the grace of God, that we are terrible parents who shouldn’t have had children, that we have no idea how to manage our own life, or that we are a burden to others. They are toxic.

  With the 2016 presidential election and all the noise about “alternative facts” and “fake news,” the term gaslighting has seen a surge in popularity. (If our confidence in our trusted news sources can be shaken fully enough, it becomes easier to consolidate power and authority by filling our head with distortions. Classic gaslighting.) And yet there is no significant body of research about gaslighting. It doesn’t have a definition in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). It can look like several other disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder, but I have found in my work as a therapist that gaslighters have a unique set of behaviors, and it behooves us to know them. Some gaslighters are easy to spot; others fly just under the radar. They are master manipulators and we need to know how to spot them, how to avoid them, and what to do if we’re entangled with them.

  THE ORIGINS OF THE TERM

  What does gaslighting really mean, and where did it come from? The term gaslight, as a kind of psychological manipulation, was first added to the Oxford English Dictionary in December 2004, although the documented use of this word and its variants goes back to 1952 (Yagoda 2017). In fact, the term seems to have been coined by Patrick Hamilton in his 1938 play Gas Light, and first made popular by the 1944 movie Gaslight, directed by George Cukor and starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. Gregory, Paula’s husband, tries to convince her that she is going crazy—losing objects precious to her, hearing and seeing things that aren’t there, thinking the lights are flickering when he claims they are not. It turns out it has all been a setup to “gaslight” her. I’ll leave the rest for you to discover if you haven’t seen the film.

  Gaslighters use your own words against you; plot against you, lie to your face, deny your needs, show excessive displays of power, try to convince you of “alternative facts,” turn family and friends against you—all with the goal of watching you suffer, consolidating their power, and increasing your dependence on them.

  Interestingly enough, gaslighting is practiced equally by both genders. You are more likely to hear about male gaslighters, as female gaslighters’ behaviors are sometimes not taken as seriously as they should be. For simplicity’s sake, throughout this book I switch pronouns, using “he” or “him” and “she” or “her,” or plurals to reflect t
hat the information here applies to both genders.

  For the gaslighters, manipulation is a way of life. Of course, it’s important to note that manipulation in and of itself is not a bad thing. People use manipulation in positive ways all the time, and they can be great influencers of others (Cialdini 2009). For instance, we can be influenced and manipulated to work for a cause or take better care of ourselves. I guess you might call this persuasion, but it’s a fine line. Gaslighters, however, use manipulation to gain control over others. There is no higher good to this kind of influence.

  The manipulation is usually insidious and slow, and you may not even realize the extent of the damage until you have an “aha!” moment, your family or friends confront you, or a gaslighter is instrumental at getting you fired from your job. The goal of gaslighters is to keep you off-kilter and questioning your reality. The more you rely on them for the “correct” version of reality, the more control they have over you. This power and control is what gaslighters crave.

  As mentioned, gaslighting shares characteristics of other personality disorders. Some people who gaslight meet the American Psychiatric Association’s DMS criteria for the following disorders, known in the manual as Cluster B Personality Disorders:

  Histrionic Personality Disorder

  Narcissistic Personality Disorder

  Antisocial Personality Disorder

  Borderline Personality Disorder

  All Cluster B personality disorders are characterized by impulsivity. Personality disorders are thought to be deeply ingrained in a person’s behavior, making the individual very difficult to treat. People with personality disorders also experience being ego-syntonic—they believe everyone else is crazy or has a problem, not them. Sound similar to the gaslighters in your life? Even highly skilled psychotherapists have difficulty treating personality disorders. You cannot expect to be able to help (or get help for) some with a deep history of gaslighting. Usually the very best thing you can do is get as far away from them as possible. If that’s not possible, creating really solid boundaries and not engaging them is next best. Throughout this book we’ll look at how to do that, with the various types of gaslighters and situations where they’ll find you.

  If you are involved with a gaslighter, be it at home, work, or elsewhere, I hope you’ll find some solace by knowing that you are not alone—and that in that feeling of unity with others, you will have the courage to distance yourself from the gaslighter in your life. You deserve better.

  HOW I CAME TO THIS TOPIC

  As a clinician in private practice, I have seen the effects of gaslighting up close and very personal. Because I specialize in ADHD, anxiety, and chronic pain, and gaslighters tend to target people with exactly these kinds of vulnerabilities, I tend to see more survivors of gaslighting than other therapists do. Quite a few of my clients experience depression, anxiety, and even suicidality as a result of a gaslighter’s behavior.

  I am also a Florida Supreme Court certified family mediator and circuit mediator. In mediations, I have seen gaslighters in action, particularly in custody disputes. Gaslighters are more likely to be involved in a custody fight; they also tend to draw out legal battles instead of trying to settle them. Seasoned attorneys and judges can usually pick up on gaslighting behaviors right away, but some gaslighters are so good at manipulation that even some mental health professionals miss it.

  I see the kind of damage gaslighters can do, but I have also come to see their patterns of behavior. I started posting about gaslighting on my Psychology Today blog and am receiving e-mails and calls from people all over the world. They were grateful to have language to speak about the hell of dealing with gaslighters in their lives and wanted to tell their stories. And they were asking for advice on how to protect themselves from or stop engaging with gaslighters.

  One of my articles in particular, “11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting,” posted in January 2017, went viral. It has received several million hits as of the printing of this book. After the post, the calls and e-mails escalated like wildfire. I was even contacted by people who recognized gaslighting behavior in themselves, and desperately sought help. The responses I received—from people so hungry for information—are a large part of what convinced me to write this book.

  The more you educate yourself about gaslighting, the better you can protect yourself from it. Whether you are a victim/survivor of gaslighting; a therapist who helps people who have been impacted by gaslighting; a discoverer of your own gaslighting tendencies; or you are entering (or reentering) the dating world, starting a new job, or hiring employees and want to be proactive and warn yourself of potential red flags, you will find material of great value in this book.

  WHAT’S AHEAD?

  First, a note: as you’ll see in this section, chapters are arranged thematically. That said, if you are tempted to flip to a chapter that seems particularly relevant to your situation, I strongly encourage you to start at the beginning and read the book all the way through. Gaslighting can be so complex, and you are likely to find wisdom for your situation in unexpected chapters. As you read about dating, parenting, work, and other places where gaslighters do their damage, a full picture of gaslighting, and what you can do about it, will emerge.

  In Chapter 1, we will look at the clever processes of manipulation used by gaslighters. Gaslighting is essentially all about control, about gaining control over others—whether it is in the workplace, at home, or on a more global scale. You will learn how gaslighters use persuasion tactics to erode your self-esteem. Gaslighters ramp up their manipulation slowly. Once they see that you have accepted a slightly manipulated behavior, they know they’ve got you “locked in.” They will then increase their manipulation of you, betting that you will continue to stick around. Gaslighters know that once you make a commitment to accepting a behavior, you will likely be much more consistent and compliant from then on.

  Any intimate relationship can be challenging at times, but with gaslighters they are torturous. Even people who have a strong sense of self can get sucked into relationships with gaslighters and find it nearly impossible to leave. Chapter 2 helps you identify whether you are in a gaslighting relationship. You’ll discover some of the obvious signs as well as more subtle ones, and see in stark terms the dangers of sticking around.

  In Chapter 3, I will alert you to the red flags to look for on a first date and discuss the gaslighter’s purpose in having a high-intensity courtship. I’ll show you what actions you can take during the dating process to head off gaslighters at the pass. Finally, you will learn how to extricate yourself from an intimate relationship with a gaslighter if you find yourself in one, and how to protect yourself in the future.

  In Chapter 4, we’ll look at how gaslighters tear apart the workplace. Gaslighters will fabricate stories so as to get coworkers fired, harass and intimidate coworkers and employees, and pit coworkers against one another to divert attention from their own unethical workplace behaviors. Gaslighters can be anywhere within your company: employers, coworkers, or employees. They can be anyone from the CEO to a mailroom worker. We’ll see how gaslighters have caused well-functioning companies to cave in, employees to run from their otherwise perfect jobs, and harassment lawsuits to be filed.

  Gaslighters will often stop at nothing to make their coworkers look bad; they’re only too happy to “throw someone under the bus.” They’ll steal credit for your work, give you a bad performance review to keep you in line, or threaten lawsuits as a way to get what they want. This may look a lot like harassment to you, and it is. But there are good laws in the United States that can protect you from being harassed by a gaslighter at work. And I will provide a list of tactics you can use to protect yourself, such as making sure you always have witnesses to any meetings with the gaslighter.

  This is the era of #MeToo—people are speaking out about the harassment or abuse they have endured, which sometimes went on for years. What was previously dismissed or not talked about is now being spoken about openly. G
aslighters often harass others as a way to manipulate and gain control of them. Gaslighters tend to prey on people with less power and authority, and threaten those who may attempt to report their behavior. Gaslighters can also be perpetrators of domestic violence—using verbal, financial, physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse to keep their victims in a state of fear. In Chapter 5, I’ll go over what makes up these different types of abuse—take a look and see whether any of them apply to your relationship. You’ll learn why staying in an abusive relationship is so dangerous—and you’ll learn the steps to getting out for good.

  Gaslighters don’t just work one on one. Gaslighting techniques are also used by people in power to keep citizens and opposition off-kilter, distracted, confused—in other words, easier to control. In Chapter 6, we’ll turn our attention to the political arena and look at how some politicians and dictators have gained a Svengali-like effect on citizens. This is gaslighting on the big stage.

  Political gaslighters distract us with outrageous and outlandish behavior while dismantling long-standing cultural institutions and practices. What are citizens to do when the leader of their country is manipulating the public wholesale? In this chapter, we’ll discuss ways that citizens can make positive social change while protecting themselves from gaslighting leaders, both legally and in terms of personal safety. Organizing with others is one of the most effective ways citizens can fight gaslighting. Yes, there is power in numbers.

  Chapter 7 takes a look at another form of mass gaslighting—cults and extremist groups. While you may think that cults are the stuff of made-for-TV movies, you’ll still want to read this chapter, since it can apply to closed communities. Cult and extremist group leaders fit our profile of gaslighters to a T. They tend to be very charismatic, and they go to extremes to exert their control, often separating people from their family, controlling their possessions and choice of partners, their work, and their sense of reality. Religious cults are certainly the most well known—but we will look at other kinds of cults and extremist groups as well. Any organization that functions within a closed ecosystem of extremely curtailed personal freedoms probably qualifies as a cult or extremist group. We’ll look at the classic signs that you or a loved one is dealing with a cult or extremist group, as well as how to protect yourself or your loved one, or get away.