Trusting My Own Heart_A Novella Read online

  “I am, I am. I just thought I saw someone I knew.” The lie flew easily from my lips.

  “Are you sure you weren’t staring at Jenna and Trevor?” Her tone held a bit of a bite to it. I narrowed my eyes on her. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say she sounded jealous.

  “So what if I was,” I said casually, raising my cup to my lips. “I can listen and stare at the same time. It’s called multitasking and people do it all the time.”

  “Uh huh.” She glared at me before turning into Ben, their PDA advancing to a whole other level. I rolled my eyes, turning away from the scene they were putting on. I gulped down the drink in my hand, reminding myself that I was going to have to put on a show of my own before the end of the night. Courtney Summers couldn’t very well attend a party without snagging a new guy, could she? Of course not, that would be ludicrous.

  I shook off the feeling of dread churning in my stomach and filled up my empty cup with mystery juice. If I was going to do this, I was going to need a lot more liquid courage. I held onto my drink, dancing my way through the party. I smiled at people I passed and waved excitedly at people I didn’t recognize but who recognized me. I was considered popular, but at least I was nice about it. Unlike Stephanie, I tried to make everyone feel included, while she prefered to make sure they knew their place on the social ladder. I sneered at the thought. How we’d been friends so long was beyond me.

  Brad, a guy who had been flirting with me since the start of the school year came into focus. I smiled at him. He smiled back. Let the game begin. We’d been sort of, maybe dating but it wasn’t at all serious. It was supposed to be fun, but instead it was more work for me than play. Thankfully he hadn’t caught on to that.

  “Courtney, you’re looking hot,” he commented with a smirk on his face. I smirked back, doing my best to look more interested than I actually was. Sure, he was cute, but at least make a girl feel special first. I at least wanted my heart to skip a beat before a guy sucked my face off like I was his last meal.

  I twirled the edges of my curled blonde hair, tilting my face up at him. “You’re looking hot yourself.” My lashes fluttered in a way I knew would drive him crazy.

  “Got any plans tonight?” He gently placed his hands on my lips and steered me toward a wall, gently pushing me against it. I swallowed a gag. Well, this wasn’t going to be any fun. He was moving too fast, but maybe it’d be done quicker this way.

  “Only you,” I said, keeping my voice sweet. His smirk transformed into a full-blown smile. “Now, are you going to kiss me or what?”

  It was better to get this over with. The sooner, the better. Besides, I had seen Jenna walk by with Trevor, and at her reassurance, I knew she would be okay. She was having fun, genuine fun from what I could see. There’s nothing else I’d want for her.

  Before I could even react, his hands were gripping either side of my face and his lips were roughly pressing against mine. I kept my eyes open and my heart unattached as his lips devoured mine. I wonder if he even noticed I wasn’t kissing him back. Judging by the groans he was so unattractively letting out, I’d venture to guess that he was blissfully unaware. I rolled my eyes. Guys were so clueless.

  While Brad moved his hands down my sides and pulled me closer, I willed my body not to tighten up. He wasn’t a horrible kisser, but he wasn’t someone I necessarily wanted to be kissing. I hadn’t kissed someone I actually wanted to in a very, very long time. I mean, of course it felt good. Being wanted was something that I think we all wanted. I just wanted to want that person back. Sadly, with the way my life was set up I wasn’t sure that would ever happen.

  He moved his kisses from my lips to my neck. I was grateful for the change. It gave me a better view of the party and all the people that were currently staring at us during our quote unquote hookup. I would definitely be hearing about this come Monday. Good. That was the point.

  As my eyes roamed the room, I almost skipped past a pair of bright, curious ones. I circled back, the eyes pulling me in, and making me want to leave the guy doing his best to interest me. His eyes were blazing, the amber of them darker than I’d ever seen them. He raised his brow in question, confusion and anger noticeable in his features even from this distance. My stomach churned. The boy I wanted was watching me create a scene with someone I didn’t want. How did I explain that to him? How did I defend myself to a guy I barely even knew? A guy I wanted to know, but shouldn’t?

  “I’m sorry. I can’t.” I pushed against Brad’s chest, quickly shoving him away from me. He gave me a confused look and started to speak, when I cut him off. “It isn’t you. I’m just not feeling well, but I’ll see you around, okay?”

  He nodded, the look of confusion never fading from his face, as I ran out of the house in the opposite direction from where Josh had been standing. I looked back, in search of him, but I couldn’t find him, not with the crowds of people moving every few seconds. I huffed in annoyance, breathing in the fresh air of night as I walked down the path leading away from the house. I needed to distance myself from guys for awhile, reputation be damned. I was feeling less and less sure every time I tried to keep my party girl image strong. I couldn’t keep doing that to myself. My chest ached at the thought of walking away from it though. My image is what kept people happy, it’s what helped make me quote unquote perfect.

  “Courtney.” I stopped abruptly, not turning around to see the guy I knew would be staring back with judgement in his eyes. I couldn’t handle that. I was already starting to feel guilty about it, and what for? I was single, I was young, and I hardly knew anything about him. In fact I knew nothing.

  “You should go back in,” I said, my voice cracking on the last word. I swallowed it back. I could cry later. I had a tear stained pillow just waiting for me to break down into it. It had become my secret consoler over the past year. “I’m sure your friends are missing you.”

  “I didn’t come here for my friends.” His voice was quiet, soft. A stray tear slid down the side of my cheek. I cursed, quickly wiping it away. I wasn’t this girl. I didn’t break down in front of people, especially guys. “I came here for you. I don’t even care about these scenes.”

  I whirled around, questions brewing on the edge of my lips, but they all faded when my eyes locked onto his. He had so much potential. He didn’t need someone like me, someone who didn’t even know herself because she was too busy trying to be someone else.

  His eyes softened into something that looked a lot like sympathy.

  “I really don’t need your pity,” I forced out. “You can stand there and judge me all you want but you don’t know a damn thing about me.”

  “I never said I did,” he whispered gently, slowly taking a step closer to me.

  “Good.” I quickly wiped away another stray tear, hoping I’d caught it before he could see. “Because I’m Courtney Summers, the party girl and perfect daughter everyone wants me to be. I’ve even got the big doe-eyed look to add to my innocence, or whatever.”

  Before I could move away from him, his hands were gripping the back of my head, holding my forehead against his chest. My body lightly shook and I clutched his shirt in my hands, silently crying as he held me. I was so used to crying on my own and dealing with my emotions alone that I had forgotten what it was like to have someone there. And he was there, quietly asking if I was okay, whispering against my forehead about how I didn’t have to pretend around him. His lips brushed against my skin and I cried harder, keeping my sounds to a minimum. I felt ten thousand times more with his soft caresses than I did with Brad’s insistent, blatant want.

  What did that say about me? If I was willing to give myself to a guy I barely liked than to a guy who made me feel like this, the way that Josh was so openly letting me feel. I would never deserve someone like him, would never be good enough. I barely knew him, but already I knew it was true.

  “I’m here, Courtney.” He pressed soft kisses against each of my eyelids and gently pulled away from me, wiping my tears awa
y with his fingertips.

  I rolled my eyes, annoyed at myself for allowing this to happen. Anyone could have seen, and how would I explain myself then?

  “It’s just the alcohol, you know, it does this type of thing to people.” I waved my hand dismissively, a small chuckle escaping. “I’m not usually this weak. Actually, I never am.”

  “Yeah, because you’re usually so well put together, right?” He shook his head at me. “You usually put more thought into everything that you do?”

  I nodded, my body begging to scream. He was right. I knew he knew, so what was the point in lying about it?

  “Life is much simpler that way, believe me.” I cleared my blurry vision, taking a deep breath to calm my overbeating heart. “I can’t afford to make any mistakes.”

  “I’m not going to pretend to get it because I don’t, but is this all worth losing yourself over?” He shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. “Is popularity that important to you that you’d sacrifice what makes you the type of person you’d actually be proud of being?”

  His tone was too accusatory for my liking. I poked at his chest as I spoke. “You don’t know me, so don’t stand there and judge my actions like you have any type of knowledge as to why I am the way that I am. My actions don’t define me, I assure you there’s a girl worth it all beneath this exterior I put on for show.”

  The side of his mouth lifted in a small grin. “Worth it all, huh? I look forward to finding that out for myself and meeting this girl you speak of.”

  I rolled my eyes at his forwardness while inwardly I was silently begging him to meet this girl because if he met her that meant she had finally been found, and I had lost her a long time ago.

  That’s all I’ve ever wanted, a small voice whispered from a dark corner in my mind.

  After some much-needed girl time after the party on Friday night, I was left to think about the fool of myself I had made in front of Josh. Jenna had spent the weekend with me. To my surprise, she had slept with Trevor. Also surprising, she didn’t sound regretful about it. It was a little too soon from my perspective, but really who was I to judge? She was living her life and she was smiling. I’d say that was a weekend win. We teenagers needed more of those.

  She would have stayed much longer, but the evil spawn that was her mother demanded her presence at home. Typical. Honestly, what I would give to knock some sense into some adults. It’s almost like they forgot what it was like to be our age. I mean, come on, I know for a fact that they were seventeen once, too.

  “Courtney, honey, you’ve been in bed half the day,” my mother said, knocking softly on my bedroom door, before walking into my room. “Come out and join us.”

  I sat up, throwing my hair in a messy bun. “Join you?”

  “Levi brought some friends over.” I hid my sneer at her revelation. “You should come down. It isn’t polite to stay up in your room all day while we have company.”

  I gave her a tight smile, trying to hide my annoyance. “Mom, they aren’t our company, they’re Levi’s.”

  “Yes, well, he’s family, which makes them our company too.” She said it in such a kind way that it would have made complete sense to me had I not known any better.

  “Why is he here anyway?” I questioned, a little curious about why Levi decided he wanted to hang out at our house and not his own. I mean, sure, we had a pool, but there had to be more to it than that. He wanted to be around me about as much as I wanted to be around him. True to cousin fashion, we were more fond of each other when we didn’t have to see each other all the time.

  She scolded me with her eyes. “Your aunt and uncle are going to be out of town for a couple of weeks. So, Levi is going to spend some time in between our house and his own.”

  I held in my groan. If Levi and his friends were going to be over, that meant Josh was probably going to hang out here too. Butterflies the size of hippos grew inside of my stomach and started fluttering around. I had done my best not to think about him since Friday night, ya know, since I made a complete fool out of myself and let a stranger take control over my emotions. Okay, so it wasn’t a stranger exactly, it was definitely all me, but I wasn’t used to being so expressive around people. The fact that I cried in front of him during our third meeting wasn’t doing anything good for my reputation.

  My mom gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze before turning to leave my room. “Just come down for a few minutes, sweetheart. It doesn’t have to be for long. It’s a nice day out.”

  I gave her a small smile, nodding my agreement. My mother, as sweet as she was, had no idea who I was either. She only knew who I portrayed myself to be, minus the boys and alcohol of course. I’m not so sure she’d be as supportive then. Well, actually, she probably would because that’s her nature, but she liked me better this way — submissive, willing, and agreeable. I shivered at the thought. Those were three words I would never proudly use to describe myself, or use to describe myself at all. Ever. But that was who I was supposed to be, who I needed to be in order to keep things happy. Jenna came from a family where love wasn’t shown, only hatred. I didn’t want to witness that from my own parents, so I made their lives a little easier by being who I thought they wanted me to. It had worked well so far.

  I threw a cardigan on, hoping that the cotton dress I slept in looked more casual than wrinkled. I didn’t feel like changing. Levi was no one to impress and neither were his friends.

  Sure, they’re not, my least favorite voice silently said to me.

  I shook out my body, getting rid of the butterflies that had grown even larger since my mom left the room. If Josh was here I could either brush him off and avoid eye contact or I could be myself and talk to him, or something. As free spirited as everyone thought I was, I wasn’t as confident when it came to guys I actually liked. As much as it pained me to admit it, especially since he was Levi’s friend, I was starting to like Josh. Every time I saw him, I wanted to know him more than the last. I shouldn’t let my insecurities or fear prevent me from doing that. I mean, maybe I could still keep my reputation and have a real relationship. He was far different than the types I usually dated and our paths never crossed, so maybe no one would know. Maybe I could be with him and still be the girl everyone thought I was.

  I smiled to myself, a mixture of dread and hope spreading throughout my chest. It wasn’t the most ideal plan, but I wanted to be with someone who made me happy, and so far Josh had been able to do that. He had a lot of potential. We could get to know each other, hang out, and others didn’t have to know. Yeah, I could do this.

  I ran down the stairs and headed into the backyard where Levi and his friends were making more noise on a Sunday afternoon than was necessary. My feet sunk into the wet grass, a smile plastered on my face when I spotted Josh among the group of guys playing some sports-like game. I stood still, not moving any closer to the group. Josh wasn’t your movie-star attractive, he was your boy-next-door type of jaw dropping beauty. He didn’t need to try very hard.

  His eyes trailed past me before sliding back. A smile that mirrored my own spread across his face. He lifted his arm in a quick wave before making his way over to me. I released a shaky breath. He looked at me like I was the type of girl he wanted to spend his free time with. The public version of me might not have been worthy, but the Courtney I kept securely hidden definitely was.

  “I didn’t know you were home,” he said, standing less than a foot away from me. He was close enough to touch, close enough to want to touch.

  “Yeah, I was just recuperating in my room,” I said with a slight shrug of my shoulders. It wasn’t a complete lie. I just needed some time to come up with a game plan, one that very much included him. He had been on the forefront of my mind since our run-in on Friday night and that wasn’t something I was used to.

  “Long weekend?” His mouth tilted in a knowing grin.

  I gently hit his shoulder and shook my head. “No, in fact it was the shortest ever. I can’t believe it’s al
most over.”

  He took a step toward me, leaving only a few inches of space between our bodies. “Oh yeah? That’s a shame because it was really long for me. I couldn’t stop thinking about this girl. She’s blonde, about your height, same blue eyes.”

  “Huh. Maybe I have a long lost sister my parents never told me about.”

  He leaned his head toward mine and his lips brushed against my skin as he spoke. “Now, wouldn’t that make life easier for hearts everywhere.”

  My cheeks reddened and I had to clench my hands to keep from reaching out for him. Before I could respond, a round object was flying at our heads. Josh grabbed it before it could make contact and threw it back to Levi. Figures he’d ruin my one good moment that day. I gave him a tight smile, flipping him off.

  His hands touched his chest as he yelled, “Awh, I’m wounded cuz, I thought we were finally getting along.”

  I rolled my eyes at his dramaticness. “Hardly.”

  He walked over to where Josh and I were standing, leaving the other guys to entertain themselves. I took an instinctive step back from Josh. “What are you two whispering about over here?”

  His question was biting, so I responded the best way I knew how — with sarcasm. “The weather. It really is a nice day out to play, well, whatever it is you guys are playing.”

  Josh chuckled beside me. Levi shot him a curious look filled with suspicion. Again, I rolled my eyes. Levi had a right to be suspicious but considering the amount of times he had hooked up with my friends, he really had no solid place to tell me what not to do with Josh. I mean, I got it, my reputation wasn’t the most innocent, but it was what it was. Who I was portrayed as through the rumors and gossip was nowhere near who I was beneath all of it. Contrary to popular belief, I wasn’t as shallow as people made me out to be.

  “Whatever you say, Court.” My cousin’s eyes narrowed on me, so I narrowed mine back. “I’m gonna get back to my game.”

  He went to walk away but then stopped, looking at Josh expectantly. “You coming man?”