Trusting My Own Heart_A Novella Read online

  Josh let out a light laugh, shaking his head in disbelief at Levi’s obvious discomfort at our talking. “Yeah, man, I’m coming.” He gave me a crooked smile and a wink, then he was on his way to follow after Levi and the rest of the guys.

  Getting to know him was going to be a lot of fun, I could already feel it. He wasn’t cocky or conceited like some of the other guys I had been linked with. No. Josh was genuine and confident. Arguably, he was probably too good for me, but on the flipside I’m sure there were some people who would say that I was too good for him.

  Life was complicated. Well, scratch that. Being seventeen was complicated.

  My mom owned a bakery. I probably should have led with that before sharing the gruesome details that made up my life. Anyway, she owned a bakery. It was called, wait for it, Summers Your Tummy. Summers, for our last name, obviously. The full name never really made sense to me but our treats were so delicious that they apparently tasted like Summer was taking over your stomach. Supposedly, who really knew. My mom always said that I came up with the name when I was little. I have no recollection of it but it definitely sounded like something my five-year-old mind would have come up with.

  Every so often I would take treats for me and Jenna to munch on before school started. It had become somewhat of a tradition, one that used to happen every morning before school. It became less frequent when she started having trouble with her parents at home. I hated it, hated her situation, but there was only so much I could do. So, I did what any good best friend would do and stuffed her face with delicious pastries to help her drown out the bad. It was the only thing I could think of.

  “Mom, I’m heading to school.” I gave her a peck on the cheek and she hugged my head against her shoulder.

  “I love you honey, please don’t forget that,” she whispered against my ear. “You’re the greatest blessing in my life.”

  “Awe, mom.” I hugged her back, slowly pulling away. Here eyes were glossy with unshed tears and her lips were starting to tremble. “Is everything okay? Do you need me to stay home today?”

  “No, no.” She shook her head and gave me a shaky smile. “Everything is going to be fine. I just want you to know how much I love you.”

  “Of course. How could I ever forget?” I pressed another quick peck against her cheek. “I’ll see you later tonight.”

  I grabbed the bag of carefully packed sweets by the door and headed to meet Jenna at school.

  The whole walk there, my mind was focused on my brief interaction with my mom. She was an expressive person, worried about appearances, but she was rarely one to cry. She smiled, she laughed, and she upheld her perfect image at every given opportunity. We were similar in that way. I’d only seen her upset a handful of times, and even then she was hesitant to share her pain and frustration with the rest of us. She was the most well put together person I had ever known, so seeing her even a little upset had me on edge. That was something I’d have to ask her about later. I only hoped she’d be honest with me and not keep it hidden.

  The walk to school was shorter than usual, probably because my mind was in search of answers that I wouldn’t be able to figure out on my own. I was going to have to put my questions on hold until later, when I’d be able to ask them.

  When I reached our bench, the one Jenna and I had claimed as our own, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, getting rid of the cloud that had grown since leaving the house. There was no room for that Courtney at school, so I smirked and put my game face on. The one that everyone seemed to like so much.

  I smiled at a few people walking by, making sure that each one felt more important than the last. I might have been quote unquote popular but I wasn’t the type to make anyone feel less than worthy, not unless they deserved it, and even those were rare occasions. I might not have enjoyed being as social as I was, but that didn’t mean I took it out on anyone else. It was my choice, my burden, so I would deal with the consequences on my own.

  I sat on the bench and waited for Jenna. She was later than usual so I took out my phone, checking for any unread messages. There were some, but none of them were from her. I had spent the whole weekend with her but whenever she went home, especially when her mom was on some sort of power trip, I worried about her. Based on the details she did share with me, her house was toxic, and I hated everything about it.

  A smile grew on my face when I spotted her walked toward the bench. As soon as she took a seat, I handed her the bag containing her favorite bagel and assessed her. She looked to be in one piece, thankfully.

  She ate her bagel in quick, large bites, practically inhaling it while she garbled on about how I was the best or something. It wasn’t the easiest to understand her since she was more concentrated on the bagel than she was me, but who could blame her? My mom’s baking was the absolute best.

  When she finally pulled the bagel away from her mouth I was able to fully see her. Red hot rage boiled beneath my skin and I had half a heart to confront her parents myself.

  “What the hell happened to your lip?” I asked, the anger evident in my voice as it echoed throughout the hallway. I took a deep, calming breath. The last thing I needed was to draw attention to the situation but I needed to know what the heck had happened within the short twenty-four hour period we were apart.

  Jenna touched the edge of her lip, her fingers lingering over the swollen cut. “Nothing important.”

  I didn’t like her sheepish tone. Something had obviously happened. “Bullshit. It looks like someone hit you.”

  “Really, it’s nothing. My mother was just being her usual bitch self.” She shrugged as if it were no big deal. My eyes narrowed to slits. How could she be so calm about this? I was madder than hell and it hadn’t even happened to me.

  I sat there in silence, watching as she finished off her bagel. If she didn’t say something soon, give me some explanation for why she insisted on defending her parents every time they screwed up, I was going to lose it. I shook my head. No. I needed to calm down, I needed to be strong for her. Anger rarely led to anything good.

  I reached out, giving her hand a tight squeeze. “What can I do? I’ve been here for you and I’ve been patient.”

  I didn’t stop. It was like word vomit. I mentioned how I never once told her how to live her life because I understood it wasn’t that simple, and that I couldn’t stand back and watch as they tore her down. I asked her again what I could do to help. I hated feeling useless and I felt more unsure than ever.

  Tears welled in her eyes before running down her cheeks. I bit my lip to keep my own tears at bay. She needed this, she needed me to be strong for her. No good would come from me having a break down too, especially not while others stood by and stared, silently judging. I turned my back to them and moved closer to Jenna, hoping that the small move would somewhat conceal her broken, tear-streaked face from nosey students.

  She shook her head, tears still leaving her eyes, and whispered, “Nothing. I just want you to be here.”

  I gave her a small smile, trying my best to understand. My life was a cakewalk compared to hers. In a way, I would never understand, and that sucked more than I’d like to admit.

  School had let out earlier, and still I sat against a tree in the middle of the quad just staring at nothing. I was afraid of going home. I mean, sure, I could have hung out with Stephanie, but I didn’t have the patience to wear my front. My run in with my mom still had me on shaky feet, and my conversation with Jenna had me more concerned than ever.

  I wasn’t great at dealing with emotions. I never knew what to say or how to act, and since I couldn’t relate, I just felt like I made things worse. I wasn’t the type to get tearful or sympathetic; I was fun and fearless. I was Courtney Summers and she was the type of girl people turned to for fun, not heart-to-heart conversations. Jenna was the one exception, even my own parents would rather hash things out in private than include me in their struggles. I’m sure they believed that sheltering me would prevent any harm or
whatever, but in a way it only made things worse.

  I felt a block of heat form in the backs of my eyes but blinked the pain away, ignoring that my tear ducts threatened to release the pressure building. I wasn’t someone who cried, not as often as I wanted to anyway. I could count the amount of times I let that happen on my fingers and still have a couple left over. I wasn’t used to feeling helpless. I convinced myself that being brave and careless helped more than just myself — it helped Jenna. That’s what really mattered. I could endure some false rumors about my love life and body, so long as it steered the biting words away from her. I knew deep down that people still targeted her, but I liked to believe that with me as a distraction, they let up a bit.

  “Waiting on me?”

  I shook the clouded thoughts from my head and looked up, squinting against the bright sunlight to see the person I knew the deep voice belonged to. I rolled my eyes at the cocky smirk on Josh’s face. He was so full of himself in such a humble way that I couldn’t help but smile whenever he was around. From what I’d gathered, he was a contradiction, one that embodied the opposite of what stereotypes would assume he’d be. He was attractive, with an athletic-ish build, but beneath what most would assume was a football star or something, was really an artsy soul. Looks were deceiving, and I knew that better than anyone.

  “Of course, what else would I be doing at—,” I glanced at the time on my phone. My eyes nearly bugged out when I saw the time. “It’s nearing five o’clock. How is that even possible? I’ve been sitting here for hours doing absolutely nothing.”

  I was mostly speaking to myself, but when I felt him take a step forward with concern etched all over his pretty, unflawed face I wanted to faceplant into the dirt beside his shoes. He really did not need to know about the reality of my social life or that it was lacking.

  I gave him a tight smile, stood up with my bag hanging off my shoulder, and shook the pieces of grass from my sundress. I gripped my phone in my head, summoning the carefree Courtney and begging her to override the emotional one that had made herself comfortable since I planted myself against the tree. I kept going back and forth with how I wanted to approach my growing attraction to Josh. It was instant and that wasn’t something I liked. That sort of stuff, the head-over-heels-in-crush stuff at first sight only happened in the movies. Never in real life. Right? I had to be right.

  His face crinkled in confusion as he stared at me. I could only imagine what a hot mess I must have looked like to him in that moment. I took a deep breath, begging facade Courtney to step forward. Any. Moment. Now.

  “Are you alright?” His voice held more concern than I deserved. I had done this to myself, I didn’t need him worrying about it. “You look like you’re concentrating really hard on something.”

  “I am.” I snapped. I sighed and gave him an apologetic smile. He didn’t deserve to be at the receiving end of my emotional confusion. “I was. I just have some things going on.”

  His eyes turned from concerned to understanding. I pinched myself to keep from gravitating closer to him. Whenever he was in a five-foot radius there was a pull that I had been doing my best to ignore. Luckily, since we seemed to have completely different schedules, it hadn’t happened very often. Unluckily, however, it was happening right then. Based on the smile tugging on his lips, it was obvious he knew my struggle.

  “Why do you do that?” He questioned, concern no longer evident as a hint of annoyance took its place.

  “Do what?” I asked, slightly defensive. “You’re the one that came over to me, remember? I was having a nice afternoon before you so rudely interrupted.”

  “Rudely, huh?” His brows raised and his head shook in disbelief.

  Great, I’ll add him to the list of people I’ve disappointed in my life, I thought to myself.

  “I just want to be alone.” I squared my shoulders, meeting his golden irises. “I’m not good at whatever it is you want from me. Trust me. I know it’s easy to give into lust and all that, but we don’t know each other. After we give into it, we’ll just go our separate ways and never talk to each other again. Considering how close you seem to be with my cousin and the fact that you’re always around, I’m willing to bet that it wouldn’t be as cut and dry or simple as that.”

  His brows raised slightly in surprise before dropping again in what looked a lot like disappointment. This afternoon just kept getting better and better.

  “Slow down a bit,” he said, a bit of humor laced in his semi-serious tone. “I think you might be jumping the gun just a little here. I haven’t asked anything of you, you’re just building up all these assumptions inside your head.”

  My jaw dropped. I stood there shell-shocked for half a second before pulling together every ounce of confidence I had. Before I could muster the beginning of a word, he continued on with his spiel.

  “I’m not saying that you’re wrong about the lust thing, I mean, look at you.” His hand gestured over the length of my body, from the toes of my feet to the top of my head. “I’m just saying that you’re going about it all wrong. I’m not stalking you or anything, it’s pure coincidence that we keep running into each other. That much I can tell you. But you are wrong about one thing.”

  “Oh, yeah?” I asked, not totally convinced with what he was trying to sell. “What’s that?”

  “I don’t want to sleep with you,” he said it so matter-of-fact. “I just thought we could be friends. To start with at least.”

  “Friends?” I questioned numbly.

  “Yeah.” He nodded, a smile playing on his lips. “What? Is that a foreign concept to you?”

  I rolled my eyes. “No, of course not.”

  “Then what’s the problem? You look like a Feral cat whenever I even look at you.”

  “That’s being a little dramatic.” I scoffed, doing my best to ignore the fact that he was right. I did sort of did go on the defense whenever he was in close enough distance. “You’re just too easy to be around, it’s suspicious. My body instantly calms when you’re this close, so I have to remind it of all the reasons it shouldn’t be so comfortable around you.”

  He took half a step forward, putting our chests less than a foot apart. I took a deep breath, willing the excitement of tingles spreading from the pit of my stomach to every other part of my body to slow down. It was times like this that made me curse my teenage hormones. It was almost ridiculous how easily my body could react when someone I liked was around. It had been awhile since that had been the case, so I really wasn’t used to these, well, whatever sort of feelings they were.

  “You’re reading too much into it Courtney.” His hand reached out and gave my shoulder a soft squeeze. The small bundle of nerves that had started to form deflated with the contact. I could have melted, and that realization made me cringe. I wasn’t a hopeless romantic, or a mushy person, I just pushed my feelings to the backburner and acted like I knew no emotion beyond happy and free. That was the opposite of the truth, by the way. But as I mentioned before, life was easier when you put your best face forward. My heart was confusing, and I couldn’t trust it, but someday I knew that I’d have to.

  I needed to escape this situation before it escalated into something that I wasn’t fully ready to deal with.

  “I’ve really gotta get going,” I shuffled past him, thankful for the small distance it created. I needed to breathe, needed to think clearly. Relationships were fun, even I knew that. My biggest fear was that it would be more, and more wasn’t something I was good at.

  “Sure.” He sounded angry and unsure with me. Shoot, I’d probably feel the same way if the situation were reversed. He was just too much, too soon.

  I shot an apologetic smile his way, hoping he could see the uncertainty and sincerity behind it. He and I were both walking contradictions. The only difference was that while he was seemingly open with his flaws, I kept mine hidden from everyone — including myself.

  As I walked through the parking lot alongside the football field, I hear
d the guys laughing about something, their voices booming above the nearly empty lot. They didn’t see me, and I bet if they had that their conversation would have halted. My body slowed when it heard Jenna’s name being used, and my heart jolted to an abrupt stop when it heard Trevor’s name thrown in too.

  I walked as closely to the fence as I could without looking too suspicious and hoped they wouldn’t recognize me. The chance of that was slim, but I had all fingers and toes crossed at this point. They had been acting even more suspicious than normal.

  “He’s doing what we asked him, and as soon as we have more details we’ll be able to have some real fun,” one of the guys said. He sounded way too pleased with himself, they all did.

  My steps hurried when I heard the rest of their conversation, and then I couldn’t stand to listen to any more. They were the reason I chose to keep up appearances, because my best friend’s life would be even more messed up than it already was. They were cruel and usually with me on her side they held back, but it turns out that hadn’t been the truth. No, they just found someone else to do their dirty work for them.

  They wanted a fight? Well, they would get one soon.

  Nearly a week had passed since my run in with Josh, and since I had found out about the team’s intentions. A whole week. That’s a lot of days. And all I could focus on was him, not the betrayal my best friend was about to endure. My days were spent not seeing him and filled with an endless amount of hours spent trying to convince myself that I didn’t care as deeply as I did. That’s a lot of time spent failing at that task. I did care. I cared a lot, maybe even too much. He didn’t even visit when Levi took over the yard with the rest of his friends.

  I realized that maybe I did want to get to know him, that maybe I wanted him to know the real me. One of the problems with that was that I didn’t even know who the real me was, so how could I be that person around him when at this point she essentially didn’t even exist? It was one messed up clusterball.