Trusting My Own Heart_A Novella Read online

  Although I knew the truth, I couldn’t stop the tears that were pricking the corners of my eyes. In a matter of seconds they slid down my face one after the other in a race to beat the other. I lifted myself out of the pool and headed into the house without saying a word, careful to avoid our parents who were engrossed in some adult board game.

  I wasn’t proud of my reputation, but it was one I had worked hard to keep. I needed to protect Jenna, and the only way to do that was to be at the top. It was easier to defend her that way because since people knew me, and my reputation, they weren’t as obvious with their insults or snickers whenever we were together. I had never understood why they didn’t like her. Sure, she made a mistake when she was younger, but as far as I was concerned, that was none of their business. I just hoped one day they’d realize that, too.

  A knock sounded at my bedroom door. It was so soft, I was surprised I could hear it. I wiped the tears from my eyes. That was enough crying for one day. I was Courtney, the strong, independent one. My life was perfect; I had no reason to be upset. Even though my cousin had basically called me a maneater. Okay, maybe not with that exact word but that’s what it sounded like to me.

  “Who is it?”

  The only response I got was another soft sounding knock at the door. I wrapped the towel tighter around my body, which was still draped in wet clothes, and walked over to the door. I opened it in a rush to a fist mid-knock held frozen in front of my face, blocking the features of whoever it belonged to.

  “I really just want to be alone.”

  “I’m sorry about what he said.” The hand slowly moved to the side to reveal his body, leaving me with a full view of a deep, dimpled chin as he nervously sucked on his bottom lip.

  “Well, he wasn’t far off. You aren’t like the guys I usually go after.”

  “Maybe I should be.”

  “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

  “I don’t want this to sound creepy or anything but I’ve been watching you for years,” he admitted.

  “So much for not sounding creepy.” I lightly interrupted.

  He gave me a small smile. “You're not who people think you are. You deserve better than what you give yourself.”

  My chest tightened at the truth behind his words. I knew he was right. The shallow guys I hooked up with were never more than that. They were just something I did to pass the time and pull the attention away from Jenna, if even for a little while.

  “Thanks. Maybe I’ll see you around at school?”

  “Yeah, maybe.” He nodded his head, a solemn expression crossing over his beautiful face as I silently shut the door on him.

  I didn’t even know him. I couldn’t know him. But I wanted to.

  As badly as I wanted to get lost in those bright amber eyes, I couldn’t subject him to that. He seemed content not being the center of the school’s attention and, if anything ever happened between us, he would quickly become the talk of the town. Usually, I’d be all about it, but he seemed genuine and kind. I knew I couldn’t see him again, or even talk to him, for that matter. I would ruin him. And deep down I knew that he would ruin me too. In reality, he would tarnish the image of me that everyone else had grown to love. The version of Courtney everyone else preferred. Everyone except me.

  It was Friday. Thank the higher powers that be that it was Friday. The end of the school week meant fun and freedom. Two of my favorite things.

  Jenna and I were sitting at our bench. It didn’t have our name on it or anything but Freshman year we were walking around during lunchtime trying to find a spot to sit at when we found this bench. It overlooked the whole quad area, which made it perfect for people watching.

  On most days Jenna wasn’t a big talker, so people watching was good. We’d sit in silence and stare at students passing by. She had never said it but I think it was therapeutic for her, and as long as it helped her, I didn’t mind. But my other friends sure did. They hated my lunch dates with Jenna, so most of the time we just met before school.

  We did them a few times a week when she wasn’t hiding in the library behind a book or when I wasn’t plastering on a smile while talking up some guy. But I didn’t care what anyone thought. She would always be my first priority and she needed me the most.

  I was picking at my pizza when a group of guys walking by caught my eye. The football team was probably my favorite group on campus. They were all goofy, funny, and hot as hell. Maybe that’s why I hadn’t noticed Josh before, because I was too absorbed in one group of people to notice. I frowned at the thought. Gosh, was I really that shallow? I rolled my eyes. Of course I was. I needed to be. It prevented me from getting hurt and it allowed me to protect Jenna. At least that was the excuse I had been giving myself.

  The guys slowed their pace, a few acknowledging me with a nod as they walked by. That’s when I noticed that someone new was in their group. He was hot, too. Not my usual type but hot, nevertheless. A light bulb went off. Duh, of course. He was the new quarterback.

  “He’s cute.”

  “Who is?” Jenna’s voice was quiet. Too quiet, which led me to believe that she was deep in thought. That was never good. I had to pull her out of it and what better way to do that than through a guy.

  “The guy with the sunglasses on.”

  “Who even wears sunglasses to school?”

  I gave her a look, one that said she was crazy because a ton of people wore sunglasses to school. Just as I finished explaining this to her, the group started to move again.

  “They’re walking away.”

  “Fine.” She gave an exasperated sigh, but as soon as she noticed who I was referring to, her whole body went rigid and her eyes widened in recognition. She knew him. Before I could question it, she asked me who he was. Interesting.

  “He’s the new quarterback. Well, Johnny’s replacement since he transferred schools.”

  Interest sparked behind her dark brown eyes and I smiled wider. This was her chance at happiness. He would be her chance at a fresh start. Someone who knew nothing about her past.

  Dread filled my stomach. Unless the team had already told him about her. I wouldn’t have been surprised. She was their favorite topic for gossip. It pissed me off but all of my efforts had never stopped the discussion, which is one of the reasons I remained so close to them. At least that way talking was all they’d ever do, and actions would hopefully never happen.

  “Okay, why is the new guy, aka hottie, staring at you?”

  Her neck turned crimson red. What the heck?

  “I sort of already met him.”

  We continued to banter back and forth at her admission. The way he was looking at her, it was like he had already fallen for her. But that wasn’t surprising because Jenna was a beautiful person, inside and out, even if not many people saw that. I tried to convince her that he was head over heels, but she wasn’t having it. At some point I gave up because when she was ready to see, she would. I just hoped that when she did it wouldn’t be too late.

  My smile grew even more, if that was possible. We were definitely going out tonight, whether she wanted to or not.

  Just as the group left our view, my eyes locked onto a pair that had been invading my dreams since Sunday’s family BBQ. I hadn’t seen him all week, no matter how hard I looked. And believe me, I looked.

  There was a short brunette standing in front of him. His eyes flickered away from mine to focus on whatever it was she was saying and jealousy brewed in my chest. Her hand touched his bicep and I cringed at how comfortable they looked together.

  I needed to pull it together and stop reacting. I didn’t even know him. We had barely even shared a few sentences.

  “Court.” Jenna’s voice pulled my attention away from the scene in front of me. Barely. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah. Peachy.”

  “Do you know him?”

  “Who?”

  “The guy you look like you’re about to punch.”

  I gave her a small smile
. “It’s that obvious, huh?”

  “Just a little.” She bumped me with her shoulder. “Whatever it is, don’t let it get to you.”

  “I’ll try not to.”

  “Is he someone important?” Her question wasn’t intruding, instead it was curious. For that I was grateful. I knew she would never use anything I told her against me. She was a good friend like that.

  “No.” The word tasted bitter on my tongue. I didn’t know if I was lying to her or myself. Either way, I needed to get over this little crush, and fast. “Besides, I have Brad, remember? Now that’s someone important.”

  “Whatever you say.” She stood up to leave. “There’s still a few minutes left and I was hoping to talk to my teacher before class. I’ll see you later?”

  “Of course. You’re spending the weekend with me, remember?”

  “How could I forget?” She playfully rolled her eyes before walking away from me.

  I watched her retreating back for as long as I could before the feel of someone’s gaze burning into the side of my face captured my attention. Josh was walking toward me, an easy-going smile on his face.

  How was I supposed to hate him when he was that cute every time I saw him? And that dimpled chin? I was going to need some restraints.

  I’d have to keep my defenses up around him. It was the only way to avoid getting my heart broken. Starting now I would be the meanest girl out there. Well, maybe not the meanest but I’d definitely keep myself out of reach. Maybe. Possibly. We’d see.

  “Courtney.” My name sounded like honey on his tongue. I wondered if it tasted that way, too. As much as I wanted to find out, I knew I never would. My cousin didn’t like when I hooked up with his friends. I couldn’t exactly blame him though because if he ever hooked up with one of mine, I’d be pissed too.

  Speaking of which. Now was the time to activate that mean mode I had mentioned before. “Josh.”

  A smirk formed on his beautiful face. “How are you?”

  “How’s the girl you were chatting up?” I fired back. As soon as the words left my mouth, I cringed. Why that was the first question to come out of my mouth, I’ll never know.

  The smirk on his face grew and his bright eyes seemed to shine even more. “She’s great. I’ll be sure to let her know you asked.”

  I scoffed, securing the strap of my school bag on my shoulder, preparing to walk away from him before the bell rang. “Right. You do that.”

  On cue, the bell sounded off. I gave him a closed lip smile and just as I moved to walk passed him, his hand shot out to grip my arm. His fingers were firm, pressing gently into my flesh. My body filled with a tingling sensation that I had only felt less than a handful of times before. I kept my eyes trained on his fingers. They were long and soft to the touch. If I didn’t get far, far away from him soon then I honestly couldn’t be held responsible for what I wanted to do next.

  He took a step closer, his body invading my space. I took a deep breath as desire spread through my bloodstream. I wasn’t new to these types of reactions toward guys, but usually I had better control. With Josh, in that moment, I felt like I had no control over my body. And if I were being completely honest, my heart wasn’t giving me any power, either. They were both his for the taking and that’s what scared the hell out of me. I wasn’t this girl. I didn’t get tongue-tied around boys or fall in love. I had fun. I lived in the moment and I did whatever the heck I wanted.

  Keep your game face on, Courtney. He’s just another guy. No one special.

  I couldn’t get distracted. Jenna needed me. My best friend needed me. I couldn’t change the reputation I had made for myself because it had sheltered her from a lot of extra pain that she would have had to endure otherwise. I was doing this for her. At least that was the excuse I gave myself. I was too afraid to admit the truth.

  After a few moments of silence, I decided to try my escape. “Tardy bell is about to ring soon.”

  “I know.”

  “What do you want, Josh?” I asked, exasperated.

  “I want you to go out with me.”

  My heart skipped a beat. I ignored it. “I have someone.”

  “Someone. But not a boyfriend,” he said with a slight curve to his upper lip.

  “It’s all the same. I’m not a girl who dates multiple guys at one time. Not that I have anything against it, that’s just not my style.”

  As the words left my mouth, a familiar voice decided to chime in. “You sure about that?”

  I turned, preparing to defend myself but when I saw who the commentator was, I rolled my eyes in relief. “Stephanie.”

  “A new boy toy?” Her eyes perused Josh, concentrating a beat longer on the hold he had on my forearm. I gently pulled out of his grip, slightly embarrassed. If I had been a blusher, I would have been redder than a tomato. Luckily, I wasn’t.

  “Just a,” I paused, trying to find the right words to describe him. “He’s a friend of Levi’s.”

  From the corner of my eye I saw a smirk appear on Josh’s face. I wanted to poke it off him.

  “Huh, does Levi have any unattractive friends?” Stephanie mused, keeping her eyes locked on Josh the entire time. “I’m Stephanie.”

  She stuck her hand out for him to shake, but instead he gave her a small nod of acknowledgement before facing me.

  “I’ll see you around Courtney.” He gave me a smile as he turned to leave. The tardy bell rang and I silently cursed him for making me late to my next class. With any luck I’d be able to talk myself out of getting detention.

  Stephanie whistled beside me. “He is absolutely delicious.”

  “Don’t you have a boyfriend?” I asked, pointedly.

  “Yeah, but for a guy who looks like that I might be willing to make an exception.”

  I rolled my eyes, growing irritated with her. She played by her own rules and most days I didn’t mind, but I needed to head to class before she annoyed me even more. I wasn’t a jealous person but Josh’s swoony smile was quickly turning me into one.

  “I’ve gotta go.”

  “Don’t forget about that party tonight!” She yelled at my back as I walked to class. I waved a hand toward her, letting her know I had heard her.

  Stephanie was one of those friends I tolerated for the simple fact that I had known her since before preschool. We had been placed in the same schools our whole lives, so it made sense for us to stay friends. She just wasn’t as genuine of a person as I would have liked to surround myself with. We were similar in a lot of ways, but her heart was extremely different than mine and that made it difficult for me to be around her sometimes.

  Another Friday night, another party. Joy. It took some major convincing, but eventually Jenna agreed to come. She wasn’t one for these types of crowds, but if she didn’t get out of her comfort zone more often then she was going to sink deeper into the dark hole she often secluded herself in, and I wasn’t going to allow that to happen. She deserved to be happy, she deserved to have fun. As her best friend it was my duty to ensure that happened. Besides, if I missed a party, my phone would blow up more than it needed to. Stephanie thought without me there was no party. And since appearances were important I tried my best to attend any and all teenage functions.

  I know, it doesn’t sound so bad, but when all I wanted to do was curl up in my warm bed with a horror film on, it felt like the worst.

  I introduced Jenna to the group. She was less timid than usual, smiling, and for that I was grateful. I gave her hand a gentle squeeze, noticing that Stephanie had a sneer mixed in with her faux smile. I had to concentrate on not rolling my eyes. I didn’t know what Steph’s problem was with Jenna but I wasn’t going to call her out on it at a party, that was for another time and place.

  Stephanie turned her full attention on me while her boyfriend, Ben, had his lips attached to her neck. I cringed. Despite my public displays of affection, I wasn’t a huge fan of them. Intimate moments should be just that — intimate. Unfortunately, not everyone believed that
. Which is why most of the time I’d be seen sucking face with some random, nameless guy at each party. I wasn’t a fan of it, but it needed to be done. If I didn’t keep my popularity card intact, there’s no telling what would happen to Jenna.

  People had always been mean to her, the other worldly powers only knew why. It could be that they felt threatened, that they were jealous, whatever, the list goes on and on. They never stopped, never left her alone. But it had lessened since I got involved. A lot of that had to do with the pull I had at school, with the pull I had over the party scene. People liked me. People wanted to be me. I wasn’t conceited, that was just fact. I hated it, but if it could benefit my best friend, who was I to complain about it? I was lucky to have the life that I did. There was no reason for me to dislike it. Except that I did. I wanted to make mistakes, I wanted to be invisible. Life with people watching your every move, seeing who you were hooking up with next, wasn’t a life I’d ever wanted. It was just handed to me. So, I kept the image and worked hard to ensure it didn’t change.

  I took a long, much needed gulp of the drink in my hand. I couldn’t remember how it got there, but I was grateful for the burn it provided. Stephanie was going on about some superficial news that I had little interest in, but I nodded anyway, doing my best to appear more intrigued than I actually was.

  My eyes wandered, searching for my best friend. My eyes widened and a smile spread on my face. She was talking to the new guy, well flirting was more like it. Her eyes glanced toward me, nervously. I gave her an encouraging wink. If anyone deserved someone good it was Jenna. I knew little about the kid, but if he was new and willingly talking to her then it meant the other guys hadn’t gotten to him yet. Good. That was good. This was her chance at finding someone, and if anyone stepped in her way I would gladly knock them over the head with a frying pan.

  “Court, can you at least pretend to listen to me?” Steph’s voice was whiny. How much did she have to drink in the little time we had been here? She never was one for subtlety.