Tales from a Not-So-Happily Ever After Read online

  And hoping those scary red eyes staring back at me didn’t belong to a ferocious animal with really sharp teeth that ATE kids who got slammed in the face during gym, woke up in another world, and ended up lost in the woods in the middle of the night.

  Then I finally fell into a deep, fretful sleep.

  !!

  FURRY AND FEATHERED FRIENDS!

  I awoke the next morning to the warmth of the sun on my face and the happy sounds of birds chirping.

  At first I was dazed and confused.

  Why did my pillow feel as hard as a rock? And how did an assortment of furry and feathered critters get into my bedroom?!

  That’s when all the memories came flooding back into my mind like a tidal wave. I was stuck in some strange storybook land and needed to get back home!

  I stretched, got to my feet, and looked around.

  The forest looked nothing WHATSOEVER like I remembered from last night.

  I couldn’t help but smile. I felt just like a Disney princess or something. . . .

  ME, WITH MY NEW WOODLAND CREATURE FRIENDS!

  OMG! All those adorable little animals were really friendly. I felt like dancing and singing with them, just like in those sappy movies.

  And get this! They even brought me an assortment of fruits, nuts, and berries for breakfast. Which made me VERY happy because I was literally STARVING!!

  Yesterday I missed breakfast, lunch, AND dinner. OMG! I was SO hungry I could have chewed the bark right off of a tree!

  I ate the delicious treats and stuffed the leftovers in my pockets.

  Next, I happily thanked all my newfound friends for their generosity.

  No longer exhausted or hungry, I set out to find my way back home.

  !

  INTO THE WOODS

  One thing was for sure—I definitely liked the friendly, happy daytime woods a lot better than the dark, creepy nighttime woods.

  Somehow, I had to find the Wizard of Odd. But I doubted that his office was in the middle of the woods.

  I tried not to think about the “what-ifs.”

  What if I didn’t find the wizard?

  What if I couldn’t find my way back home?

  What if I was stuck in this place . . . FOREVER?

  About ten minutes into my journey, I stumbled upon a well-worn, winding path and decided to follow it.

  I hadn’t traveled more than a half mile when I made the most AMAZING discovery. . . .

  It was the cutest little cottage I had ever seen!

  And it was obviously inhabited, because of the manicured lawn and flowers. I was sure the people living there could help me!

  They probably knew the Wizard of Odd. Or knew someone who knew the Wizard of Odd. Or knew someone who knew someone who knew the Wizard of Odd.

  HOPEFULLY!

  And if they had a phone, I could call my mom and tell her not to worry because I’d be home soon.

  I felt really happy and relieved that this whole FIASCO was going to be over.

  I excitedly ran to the door and knocked. But no one answered. I knocked again even harder, but still no answer. Then I pounded kind of desperately.

  That’s when, to my surprise, the door slowly swung open. I poked my head inside.

  “Hello? Is anyone home?” I called out.

  Since it was kind of an emergency, I stepped inside to have a look around. . . .

  SOMEONE HAD EATEN THE SMALLEST BOWL OF PORRIDGE. . . .

  SOMEONE HAD SAT IN AND BROKEN THE SMALLEST CHAIR. . . .

  AND THAT SOMEONE WAS STILL SLEEPING IN THE SMALLEST BED!!

  It was a young girl about my age with beautiful curly blond hair. But when I leaned over and took a closer look at her face, I totally freaked out.

  “CHLOE?!! OMG! CHLOE!!” I screamed, shaking her awake. “It’s me, Nikki! I’m SO happy to see you!”

  Startled, the poor girl opened her eyes and sat straight up in the bed, staring at me like I was a lunatic.

  “Chloe, it’s ME! Nikki! How did YOU get here?” I shouted. “And when did you change your hair?! It’s really cute!”

  “Actually, my name isn’t Chloe. It’s Goldilocks! And I don’t believe we’ve ever met before,” the girl said as she looked me up and down.

  Then a smile slowly spread across her face. “Wait a minute! I DO recognize you! Blue dress and white apron—you’re Dorothy from The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, right?! You sat in front of me in Managing Dangerous Fairy Tale Animals: Lions, Tigers, and Bears class, right?!”

  “Actually, no! I’m sorry, but—”

  “No? Are you sure?” Goldilocks said, squinting at me. “Hmm. Now I remember! We were in the same study group for Surviving the Dark, Dangerous Forest: Tips and Tactics! And wasn’t Professor Huntsman HAWT? I wouldn’t mind flunking that final exam just to be in HIS class again,” she gushed. “Right, Dorothy?”

  “Sorry, but I’M NOT DOROTHY!!” I said.

  Goldilocks stared at me and tapped her chin in thought.

  Finally, she smiled again.

  “Of course NOT! Everyone was always mixing up you and Dorothy. You’re Alice from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, right? Blue dress, white apron! You and Dorothy are practically twins. I think you and I both had the class Eating on a Budget in Fairy Tale Land: Why Pay When You Can Beg, Borrow, and Steal, and Eat for FREE?”

  “Um . . . actually, I’m NOT—”

  “And how could I forget!” Goldilocks interrupted. “For your class project, you swallowed ‘Drink Me!’ juice from that little bottle. Then you grew to ten feet and then shrank to ten inches. It was AWESOME! You totally deserved that A-plus, Alice!”

  GOLDILOCKS, RAMBLING ON AND ON ABOUT STUFF AND CALLING ME ALICE !!

  Okay, now I was starting to get a little frustrated.

  I wasn’t Dorothy OR Alice!

  “Well, my outfit is kind of a complicated story. I might be dressed like Alice, but I’m really—”

  “You know what, Alice, I think you should petition the Fairy Tale Land Council to change your dress color. Now, yellow is way too bright. And green is way too dark! But PINK! That would be JUST right! And then people wouldn’t always confuse you with Dorothy. So, do you like porridge? There are two bowls left on the table. I think I’m getting hungry again. . . .”

  OMG!! Goldilocks was REEEALLY talkative!!

  “To be honest, Goldilocks, I don’t think that’s such a good idea. What if the bears are hungry too? They might be a little upset when they come home and find all of their porridge gone,” I said, starting to worry about that very issue myself.

  “Bears?! Did you just say ‘BEARS’?!” Goldilocks gasped, looking very alarmed.

  “Yes, I did! The Three Bears live in this house!” I explained. “And if I remember the story correctly, they’ll be arriving here any minute now.”

  “Are you sure BEARS live here? I was told by one of the Rogues that this place was a brand-new bed-and-breakfast and I could just drop in anytime since no reservations were required. But now it’s starting to make sense. The service is bad, the food is bland, the furniture is cheap, the support staff is nonexistent, and my bed is a little lumpy. As a hotel this place STINKS! Next time, I’m staying at the Fairyott Hotel.”

  Goldilocks COMPLAINED an awful lot too.

  “A Rogue? That’s a magic user, right?” I said.

  “It was the Wicked Witch of the West, actually. Her name is MacKenzie and she’s in my Survey of Fairy Tale Land History class. Rumpelstiltskin is the most BORING history teacher EVER! Sleeping Beauty pretty much snoozes through ALL of his classes. Although, to be honest, that girl snoozes through EVERYTHING!”

  “Wow, it sounds like a really fascinating class!” I said.

  “Well, it’s NOT! After the Great War, Fairy Tale Land was divided into three groups. The REGALS are all of the royalty. They’re the lucky ones with perfect lives! And they always get a happily ever after. They have SUPERactive social lives with lots of parties, balls, and weddings. Hey, I’d love to ha
ve gourmet food, servants, and a closet full of gorgeous silk dresses and be pampered all day. Most of them are a little spoiled, if you ask me!”

  “Yeah, it does sound like they have a lot of fun! I can see why you feel that way,” I said.

  “The RENEGADES are adventurers. They’re courageous and try to help others. That’s what I am. But I’m BORED out of my SKULL! If I have to wander through another forest or deal with another mangy wild animal, I’m going to SCREAM! My life is VERY stressful. The insects are annoying, and have you ever tried to get the scent of a SKUNK out of your hair? It’s next to impossible! And look at the clothes we get! I’ve had this ugly cotton dress for the past two years. I’m just DYING to wear a velvet dress with red sparkly shoes for a day. And a Renegade’s love life is nonexistent, unless you’re really into the outdoorsy types.”

  I felt bad for Goldilocks. Although, to be honest, she sounded a lot like what I would call a dork.

  “And then there are the ROGUES. A lot of them are selfish magic users obsessed with power and prestige. They have no qualms about hurting others to get ahead. And they’re VAIN! They love titles like the ‘Evil’ this or the ‘Wicked’ that. Their lives are filled with danger, drama, and intrigue.

  “The fairies are magic users too, but they are nice. They’re responsible for keeping Fairy Tale Land in existence. Basically, we ALL just try to get along and tell our stories.”

  “Well, I don’t know why the Wicked Witch of the West would mislead you, Goldilocks,” I said solemnly. “But this place ISN’T a B AND B! And I think we need to get the HECK out of here. FAST!”

  ME, EXPLAINING TO GOLDILOCKS THAT WE SHOULD PROBABLY LEAVE BEFORE THE THREE BEARS COME HOME!!

  Plus, I’m also SUPERallergic to very hungry BEARS!

  Suddenly we heard a loud, angry growl from the kitchen.

  “Somebody’s been EATING my porridge!!” roared Papa Bear.

  “Somebody’s been eating MY porridge too!!” snarled Mama Bear.

  “Somebody’s been eating MY porridge! And they ate it all up!” wailed Baby Bear.

  Goldilocks and I just froze and stared at each other in horror! The bears were back home! !! Next, the loud, angry growl was even CLOSER to us, from the living room.

  “Somebody’s been SITTING in my chair!” roared Papa Bear.

  “Somebody’s been sitting in MY chair too,” snarled Mama Bear.

  “And somebody sat in MY chair and broke it into pieces!” sobbed Baby Bear.

  “Alice, what are we going to do?” Goldilocks whisper-shouted. “I haven’t yet taken the class Angry Animals with Very Sharp Teeth: Up Close and Personal!”

  “Well, um . . . we can always hide?” I said, shrugging.

  “Where?!! Under THIS bed?!! That’s the FIRST place they are going to look for us!” Goldilocks said, rolling her eyes.

  “YES! Under the bed!” I whispered. “We don’t have a choice!”

  We quickly straightened Baby Bear’s bed so it wouldn’t be obvious that someone had been sleeping in it. That’s when I realized in horror that I had accidentally dropped some of my personal belongings on the bed.

  Goldilocks pointed and motioned frantically, but it was TOO late for me to try to retrieve my stuff.

  We were DOOMED ! Goldilocks and I quickly dove under the bed. And when we cautiously peeked out, the bear family was standing in the bedroom just inches away from our hiding place. . . .

  GOLDILOCKS AND ME, PEEKING OUT FROM UNDER THE BED!!

  “Somebody’s been SLEEPING in my bed!!” roared Papa Bear.

  “Somebody’s been sleeping in MY bed too!!” snarled Mama Bear.

  “Somebody’s been sleeping in MY bed!” cried Baby Bear. Then he pointed excitedly. “Mama Bear! Papa Bear! Look what’s STILL there!!”

  Baby Bear’s cute little fuzzy toes were so close that his fur was actually tickling my nose. OMG! I was trying my hardest NOT to SNEEZE! I was like, AH! AH! AH! CH—!

  That’s when Goldilocks quickly reached over and grabbed the end of my nose. The good news was that she stopped my sneeze ! The bad news was that the pressure from NOT sneezing almost ruptured my eyeballs! OUCH !!

  The bears froze and just STARED at the bed!

  “Well, look at that!” bellowed Papa Bear.

  “Unbelievable!” shouted Mama Bear.

  “LET’S EAT THEM!!” cried Baby Bear.

  This is what the Three Bears found. . . .

  THE THREE BEARS, FINDING MY YUMMY STASH OF NUTS, BERRIES, AND FRUIT!

  “I have a great idea, Papa Bear!” cooed Mama Bear. “Why don’t you and Baby Bear go fix that broken chair while I warm up our porridge and bake us a delicious apple blueberry pie with a honey nut glaze!!” she gushed.

  Then all three bears happily lumbered back into the kitchen and got busy with their chores.

  As soon as the coast was clear (and the bears were greedily snarfing down a yummy pie), Goldilocks and I climbed out of a window and disappeared into the woods.

  I can’t really explain it, but for some reason I really like her, even though she’s kind of ditzy.

  Maybe it’s because she looks and acts so much like my BFF Chloe. Minus the curly blond hair.

  I’m STILL pretty anxious to go home. But I also want to know more about the ROGUES.

  One of them obviously tried to set up my new friend, Chloelocks! Er . . . I mean, GOLDILOCKS!

  Thank goodness those bears decided to eat Mama Bear’s freshly baked PIE as a midday snack instead of GOLDILOCKS!

  YIKES!!

  SOMEONE wants Goldilocks DEAD! And that someone is MacKenzie, the Wicked Witch of the West!

  I can’t even take a wacky trip to Fairy Tale Land without that girl showing up and making my life miserable.

  And I’m SURE she’s plotting some over-the-top diabolical plan! Which means the Munchkins, Goldilocks, and all of Fairy Tale Land might possibly be in great danger.

  And since I’m basically STUCK here in Fairy Tale Land Cray-Cray Land for the time being, I don’t have a choice but to try to stop her.

  !!

  BACK INTO THE WOODS!

  Goldilocks and I quickly became friends. I told her my story and explained that I was desperately trying to get back home.

  Although she personally didn’t know the Wizard of Odd, she volunteered to help me find him. Of course I was REALLY happy to hear that news! Goldilocks said it was the least she could do after I had saved her life.

  However, first she had to file an incident report with the Fairy Tale Land Council about the Three Bears.

  She also explained that a powerful magic user had recently begun interfering with fairy tales and that the Fairy Tale Land Council wanted the person stopped before serious damage was done.

  We agreed to meet in one hour at a place called the Mad Hatter Tea Shop. It was located in a small village at the edge of the forest about a mile away.

  I had been on the path for about fifteen minutes when I noticed a figure ahead of me in the distance. It was a girl, and she was wearing a bright red cape with a hood and carrying a small basket.

  Maybe she knew the Wizard of Odd. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask.

  I took off, running after her as fast as I could. But soon she disappeared into a small cottage.

  I was like, JUST GREAT !!

  Trespassing on private property was fast becoming a dangerous new hobby of mine. I had barely survived the run-in with the bear family.

  However, since it was kind of an emergency, I decided to go inside.

  When I finally got a glimpse of the girl, I couldn’t believe my eyes! She looked just like my BFF ZOEY!! . . .

  Well, okay. IF Zoey was wearing a funky red cape, a retro dress, cool ankle boots, and was carrying a cute wicker basket handbag.

  Apparently, the girl was visiting her grandmother.

  But then their convo got really . . . um, WEIRD!!

  Even weirder than the chats between ME and MY grandmother (which are usually pretty weird!).

&n
bsp; “Grandma, what big EYES you have!”

  “The better to SEE you with, my dear.”

  “Grandma, what big EARS you have!”

  “The better to HEAR you with, my dear.”

  Anyway, it was quite obvious that Red Riding Hood needed glasses or something, because her GRANDMA looked like no grandma I’d ever seen before.

  I don’t mean to be rude or impolite, but her grandma was definitely a bit on the homely side.

  Okay, I’ll be honest. She was a HOT MESS!! . . .

  ME, NOTICING THAT GRANDMA NEEDED TO SHAVE . . . HER ENTIRE BODY!!

  “Grandma, what a big NOSE you have!”

  “The better to SMELL you with, my dear!”

  “Grandma, what big TEETH you have!”

  “The better to EAT you with!! GRRRRR!!!”

  And with that, the wolf leaped across the bed, right at Red Riding Hood.

  Okay, I knew there was supposed to be a huntsman or some guy who shows up at the last minute to save the day in the fairy tale. But he was nowhere in sight.

  “Fairy Godmother! Please HELP!” I screamed, praying she would appear. But no luck.

  Snarling and gnashing his sharp teeth, that wolf darted right past the door I was hiding behind.

  He was about to pounce on poor, helpless Red Riding Hood and rip her to shreds. . . .

  THE BIG BAD WOLF, POUNCING ON POOR RED RIDING HOOD!

  That’s when I completely PANICKED and did the first (STUPID) thing that popped into my head. . . .

  ME, GRABBING THE WOLF’S TAIL AND PULLING IT WITH ALL MY MIGHT IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE RED RIDING HOOD!!