Tales from a Not-So-Happily Ever After Read online

  But I guess I must have pulled a little too hard or something, because I heard a loud SNAP, and then . . .

  ME AND THE WOLF, FALLING OVER WHEN HIS TAIL SNAPS OFF!

  ME AND THE WOLF, BOTH VERY SHOCKED AND SURPRISED THAT HIS TAIL WAS IN MY HAND !

  Of course, after the wolf got over the initial shock, he got an attitude about the whole thing. Even though it was quite obviously an accident.

  “Look what you’ve done, you . . . you MONSTER!!” he yelled at me. “I’m lucky to have survived such a vicious attack. You’re a psychopath, and you need help!”

  “Oh, REALLY?! So I’M the monster here?!” I shouted at him. “Just a minute ago YOU were the one bragging about your big teeth and trying to EAT Red Riding Hood. After dressing up as her GRANDMA, no less! Sorry, dude, but YOU’RE the one who needs some SERIOUS counseling.”

  Then he got right up in my face, so close I could smell his foul Big Bad Wolf breath.

  Suddenly I totally understood how he had huffed and puffed and blew down the houses of those poor Three Little Pigs.

  OMG! His breath was THAT bad!!! !!

  “Listen, Dorothy, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll stay out of MY neck of the woods!! Or else! And that’s NOT a threat, it’s a PROMISE!!” he growled at me. Literally.

  “I’m NOT Dorothy! And YOU’RE just a big BULLY!”

  “Okay then, um . . . ALICE!! You’d better watch your step!”

  “I’m NOT Alice, either!” I shot back.

  “Well, you should be! You’re wearing her UGLY dress. I personally wouldn’t be caught DEAD in that thing, especially with those awful shoes!”

  “Hey, have you looked in the mirror lately, Wolf Boy? You’re wearing a granny gown with ugly flowers on it, and a matching bonnet. I wouldn’t be giving out fashion advice if I were you,” I huffed.

  Then he rolled his eyes at me, snatched his tail out of my hand, and stomped right out the front door.

  ME AND RED RIDING HOOD, GIGGLING ABOUT THE TAIL FIASCO!

  “You actually saved my life! How can I ever thank you, Dorothy?! I mean, er . . . Alice! Or whatever your name is. . . .”

  I was totally surprised when she gave me a big hug.

  “Here, would you like a free lunch? It’s a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Grandma—I mean, the wolf—didn’t eat it.”

  “I’m really happy I was able to help you,” I said. “And thanks for offering me lunch. But after yesterday, I’m just not that into PB and J sandwiches anymore. It’s a long and complicated story. But do you know where I can get a triple cheeseburger, extra-large fries, and a supersize drink?!”

  “My! What a BIG appetite YOU have!! You could be one of the Three Little Pigs!” she blurted out.

  I just ignored that little comment. Something else was kind of bugging me.

  “Um, why didn’t you realize that the wolf WASN’T your grandma?” I asked her.

  “Actually, I wasn’t visiting MY grandma. I was just delivering a basket of food for the grandmother of one of the Rogues,” Red Riding Hood explained.

  “Well, whoever sent you here is either genetically related to the canine family or was trying to turn you into an afternoon snack. I’m really worried that someone is out to get both you and Goldilocks!”

  That’s when Red Riding Hood gasped and said, “Goldilocks is a good friend of mine! We’re both in danger?” Then she clutched her heart and shrieked, “Oh! My! Gosh!”

  Someone had actually tried to kill her, and it seemed to be FINALLY sinking in.

  But then she blurted out, “MY, what big FEET you have, Dorothy! I mean, Alice!”

  Of course I was highly offended by her insensitive little comment. But I figured she’d only said that because the enchanted shoes made my feet look a lot bigger or something.

  Anyway, I invited Red Riding Hood to join Goldilocks and me for tea at the Mad Hatter Tea Shop.

  Between the three of us, I was sure we’d find that Wizard of Odd guy.

  And he’d be able to help me get back home.

  !!

  THE MAD HATTER TEA SHOP

  Red Riding Hood and I met Goldilocks at the Mad Hatter Tea Shop, a quaint little café at the edge of the woods.

  It was owned by a friendly but eccentric guy, called the Mad Hatter due to his large collection of wacky-looking hats.

  When he came to our table to take our order, I couldn’t help but stare in shock.

  First of all, he had a pet mouse that he carried around on a small tray, and—get this—they were wearing matching jackets. (Which, BTW, also shed light on his name, because obviously this guy was a little . . . um, MAD!)

  And second, he looked just like my good friend Theodore Swagmire III! Which was not all that surprising, considering the fact that practically EVERYONE in Fairy Tale Land looked just like someone I knew from home. . . .

  GOLDILOCKS AND RED RIDING HOOD, STARING IN DISBELIEF AT THE MOUSE, WHILE I STARE AT THE MAD HATTER, WHO LOOKS LIKE THEO SWAGMIRE!

  “Welcome to the Mad Hatter Tea Shop, ladies! May I have your order, please?” he said.

  “Hi there!” I said. “I’d like lemon tea with honey, and the sunshine lemon cookies, please!”

  “Okay! And for you, miss?” he said, looking at Goldilocks.

  “Well, I’d like the raspberry tea. But not too hot! And not too cold, either! I think lukewarm would be just right. And, let’s see, the peanut butter crunch cookies are too hard. But the old-fashioned tea cookies are too soft. The cinnamon doodles are probably too spicy, and the vanilla wafers too bland. So I think I’ll take the chocolate chip cookies! They’ll be just right!”

  “That sounds good! And now for you, miss?” he said, nodding to Red Riding Hood.

  “Well, I have a few things I’d like to discuss before I place my order,” Red Riding Hood said.

  “Of course. Go right ahead!” The Mad Hatter smiled.

  “Well, I couldn’t help noticing what a BIG hat you have!”

  “Yes, it’s my favorite color—green. It was an unbirthday gift from my sister.”

  “And what a CUTE little mouse you have!”

  “I’ve had him since I was a child. He goes everywhere with me. He loves to nibble on cheese and strawberries.”

  “Okay, and what a FANCY teapot you have!”

  “Thank you! It belonged to my grandmother. I love her dearly. She’s as sweet as sugar!”

  I was starting to wonder how long Red Riding Hood planned to interrogate the Mad Hatter. But then she nodded her head and smiled.

  “Thank you for your comments! I’ll have the green tea with extra sugar and the strawberry cheesecake cookies.”

  OMG!

  Our tea and cookies were DELISH! . . .

  GOLDILOCKS, RED RIDING HOOD, AND ME, HAVING A SUPERFUN TEA PARTY!

  Just as we were finishing up, three girls came into the tea shop, accompanied by two royal escorts and five royal guards. . . .

  They wore beautiful dresses and the finest jewelry and shoes.

  When they spotted Goldilocks and Red Riding Hood, they immediately rushed over and gave them hugs and air kisses.

  I was SUPERexcited when Goldilocks introduced me to them. “Rapunzel, Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty, I’d like you to meet my new friend . . .”

  That’s when I noticed that Rapunzel looked like my friend Marcy, Snow White looked like my friend Violet, and Sleeping Beauty looked like my friend Jenny. I couldn’t stop staring at them.

  Goldilocks continued. “Her name is—”

  “DOROTHY!” the three girls squealed in unison.

  “I’d know that dress anywhere,” cried Rapunzel.

  “Um, no! She’s NOT Dorothy,” said Goldilocks. “Her name is—”

  “ALICE!” the three girls squealed in unison again.

  “That dress is a dead giveaway!” said Snow White.

  “Sorry, guys! I know the blue dress and white apron are kind of confusing. But my name is Nikki. It’s really nice to meet all of you.”
>
  The three girls looked at me, then each other, and then me again.

  “Hi, Nikki!” said Sleeping Beauty. “We don’t recognize your face. What fairy tale are you in?”

  “Actually, NONE!”

  “Really?” said Rapunzel, with a puzzled look on her face. “That’s very strange. EVERYONE in Fairy Tale Land has a story! Have you filed a report with the Fairy Tale Land Council yet? They are supposed to assign you a story within forty-eight hours.”

  “Yeah, it’s pretty simple,” said Snow White. “You just tell them if you’re Regal, Renegade, or Rogue, and they’ll hook you up.”

  “Well, actually, I’m none of those,” I explained. “I ended up here due to a freak accident, and I’m trying to get home. I’ve been wandering in the woods for almost two days now. So it’s quite obvious I’m—”

  “RENEGADE!” the three girls excitedly squealed.

  “Definitely!” said Rapunzel.

  “For sure!” said Snow White.

  “Totally!” said Sleeping Beauty.

  “LOST!” I said, starting to get a little irritated. “It’s quite obvious I’m LOST!” But I understood why those girls said that, seeing as I was wandering in the woods and all.

  “Nikki, you are SO lucky!” Rapunzel gushed. “At least you have your independence and get treated like a young adult. When I’m not locked away in some stupid tower going STIR-CRAZY, I can’t go anywhere without a royal escort. Why do I need a highly paid babysitter?! And just look at me! Every day is a BAD HAIR day! I’d love to get a SUPERcute short haircut, but instead I’m dragging around an eighteen-foot-long braid. Do you have any idea how long it takes me to wash and blow-dry my hair? Nineteen hours! I’m a teenager, but I spend most of my time taking care of my hair.”

  “Don’t get me started!” Sleeping Beauty griped. “Our lives are micromanaged by kings, queens, princes, and even witches we’ve never met before. We’re told to do this! Do that! Bite the apple! Prick your finger! Fall asleep! Wake up! Let down your hair! We’re really SICK and TIRED of being bossed around. Personally, I’d much rather live in a cute little gingerbread house than a huge, drafty castle. And on Saturday mornings I just wanna sleep in for a few hours. NOT for a HUNDRED YEARS!!! Like, WHO does THAT?!!”

  “I’d trade places with you guys in a heartbeat,” Snow White fumed. “We’re tired of kissing princes, kissing frogs, and kissing seven dwarfs. And if I’m FORCED to attend one more BORING party, I’m going to punch someone! How about a little ‘me time’? I’d give anything just to chill out alone in the peaceful woods without some evil hag trying to poison me with an apple!”

  Red Riding Hood, Goldilocks, and I just STARED at those girls in disbelief. Who would have guessed that life as a princess was so CRUDDY?! . . .

  RAPUNZEL, SNOW WHITE, AND SLEEPING BEAUTY, COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW CRUDDY IT IS TO BE A PRINCESS!

  So the Regals thought the Renegades had perfect lives. And the Renegades thought the Regals had perfect lives.

  And I’m guessing that some of the Rogues probably felt the same way too.

  It appeared that everybody thought everyone else had the PERFECT life. Go figure!

  That’s when a little lightbulb popped on in my head and I got the most BRILLIANT idea!

  “Listen up! If all of you are so unhappy with the way things are, why don’t you just change things up a bit?”

  “WHAT?!” all five of them gasped.

  “Why can’t you guys just swap stories or maybe even share them? It sounds like you Renegades would love to go to a party or soak in a bubble bath. And it sounds like you Regals would love to chill out in the woods or go on an adventure. So just do it!”

  That’s when all five girls started squealing happily and jumping up and down in excitement.

  They LOVED my idea!

  “What about the Fairy Tale Land Council?” Sleeping Beauty asked. “There are really strict rules about which characters go in which fairy tales. We could get in big trouble!”

  “What does it matter, as long as the story is told?” Red Hiding Hood said.

  “Besides, how will they know?! It will be OUR secret!” Snow White added.

  “Well, once the Council sees that the new way of doing things actually works AND everyone is happier, I’m sure they’ll come around,” I reasoned.

  I had a really good feeling that very soon Fairy Tale Land was going to be a much better place! The six of us did a group hug with me in the middle to celebrate a bright and exciting new future. . . .

  THE REGALS, THE RENEGADES, AND ME, DOING A GROUP HUG!!

  “Thank you for helping US, Nikki. But NOW we need to help YOU get back home!” said Red Riding Hood.

  “Well, my fairy godmother suggested the Wizard of Odd,” I said. “But I haven’t been able to find him.”

  “Wait a minute!” Sleeping Beauty yawned excitedly. “Every year the wizard attends the Spring Ball given by King and Queen Charming at their castle. And guess what? I think it’s TONIGHT!”

  “You’re right!” Snow White said. “It’s by special invitation to Regals only. But since we’re so tired of the royal party scene, we didn’t RSVP. So, unfortunately, we’re NOT on the guest list. But maybe we can try to SNEAK you in!”

  “No! That would be way too dangerous!” I said. “The last thing I want is to risk any of you getting caught and punished for helping me! I’ll just have to do this on my own.”

  After much debate, all five girls reluctantly agreed with me.

  We said our good-byes, and then I began the two-mile journey to the Northern Kingdom, which was ruled by King and Queen Charming.

  I didn’t have any idea how I would get inside the castle to attend the ball. And even if I did, what was the likelihood I’d convince the Wizard of Odd to help me, a total stranger?

  The chances of my plan actually working were slim to none.

  But if I had any hope of ever returning home, failure was NOT an option!

  !!

  PUMPKINS AND MICE

  When I finally reached the Charming Castle in the Northern Kingdom, the royal ball had already begun.

  The cream-colored stone castle was even more magnificent than I had imagined. It had seven huge towers with colorful tiled roofs that glistened like jewels in the setting sun.

  A least three dozen royal guards stood watch outside on the palace grounds.

  Trying to sneak past those guys was going to be next to impossible. I must have looked really suspicious or something, because one of them marched right over and glared at me.

  “Excuse me, missy! But the royal ball is by invitation only. So please move along. I don’t want to have to arrest you for loitering or trespassing on royal property!” he barked.

  OMG! I’d recognize that scowl anywhere.

  It was Mr. Grumpy, the security guard from the Bad Boyz concert! But his ID badge said Sir Grumpy of the 5th Royal Battalion.

  The last thing I needed right then was to get arrested by an overzealous royal guard. So, I quickly retreated down the castle walkway. And when no one was looking, I ducked inside an open door of the royal horse stables and hid in an empty stall.

  I flopped down on a bale of hay and blinked back tears of frustration. If there was ever a time I needed a fairy godmother, this was it.

  “BRIANNA! Please help! This is an emergency!” I whisper-shouted in desperation.

  I held my breath and waited. But no Brianna!

  However, I did manage to get the attention of three horses in neighboring stalls, who stared at me curiously.

  I had been hiding in that stall for a couple of hours and must have inadvertently dozed off or something. Because the next thing I knew, someone was tapping me lightly on the shoulder.

  I immediately panicked! I thought for sure Sir Grumpy had discovered my hiding place and was about to place me under arrest for trespassing on royal property.

  But when I opened my eyes, a smiling face with twinkling eyes was two inches from my nose. . . .

  ME
, SHOCKED AND SURPRISED BY AN UNEXPECTED VISITOR!!

  I blinked a few times, and when my eyes finally came into focus, I saw it was Brianna, my fairy godmother!

  “OMG! Brianna!” I gawked at her. “Where have you been?”

  “Sorry I’m late! I got stuck in traffic,” she quipped.

  “Thank goodness you’re here!” I said.

  She checked her watch. “Well, I’ll be a toothless tooth fairy! It’s almost eleven o’clock!” she exclaimed. “We have get you to that royal ball before midnight!”

  “Okay! Glam me up!” I cried eagerly. “And just in case there’s a cute prince, I want the dress to be short . . . but not that short. And sparkly . . . but not too sparkly. And . . .”

  “Shush! I’m the professional here!” Brianna said, looking annoyed. “Just let me do my job!”

  “Sorry! I’m just so anxious,” I said. “Go ahead.”

  “Thank you!” Brianna replied as she raised her magic wand and chanted: “Alakazoo! Alakazam! I want a dress that’s totally glam!”

  With a puff of smoke, I was transformed. I looked down at my dress and gasped. . . .

  ME, IN SHOCK BECAUSE MY DRESS IS MOSTLY MADE OF HAM

  I was dressed head to toe in ham and assorted deli meats. My earrings and bracelets were made out of meatballs.

  “Umm . . . I feel like I should be served on bread with mayo,” I said.

  “No, you stupid wand! I said GLAM, not HAM!” Brianna scolded it.

  “So, um . . . is this the dress I’ll be wearing?” I asked.

  “Wait a minute. OH! Here’s the problem.” Brianna laughed uncomfortably. “I forgot to turn on the voice recognition.”

  She fidgeted with the wand and then spoke into it, “Testing! Testing! One, two, three! Is this thing on?!”

  “Okeydokey! Let’s try this again!” Brianna said. “Blah, blah, blah, we want a dress that’s totally glam!”