Tales from a Not-So-Happily Ever After Read online

  “Regals are royalty, like kings, queens, princes, and princesses,” said Lollipop Girl.

  “Renegades are the brave adventurers who hang out in the woods,” said a guy munching on a slice of pizza.

  “And the Rogues are magic users, like the witch!” said a girl with a mouthful of cotton candy.

  “And the fairies, too! They’re the caretakers of Fairy Tale Land!” explained Chip. “Us Munchkins are Renegades.”

  “You guys CAN’T be serious!” I laughed nervously.

  “We’re VERY serious. As a heart attack. Totally!” the group answered solemnly.

  My laughter grew a little more shrill and jittery.

  For some reason this whole story sounded vaguely familiar.

  Then it hit me!

  OMG! Maybe I was in the story of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz!

  Only THESE Munchkins actually munched munchies?!!

  Or it was very possible that I’d gone completely INSANE!

  “No way!” I gasped as my laughter turned into a frantic sob. “This CAN’T be real! OMG! I got hit in the face with a ball by MacKenzie, and now I’m suffering from BRAIN DAMAGE!!” I shrieked hysterically.

  Lollipop Girl gave me a big hug.

  “Don’t worry! That mean witch won’t bother you anymore. You really gave her a licking!” She giggled.

  “Yeah!” Chip chimed in. “You whipped her butt like mashed potatoes!”

  “You totally creamed her!” said a boy with a drippy ice-cream cone. “Just like this . . . !”

  He demonstrated by greedily gobbling the entire thing in one bite, and then belched loudly.

  I gaped in horror, imagining his scoop of Chunky Monkey ice cream as MacKenzie’s head.

  Sure, I sort of hated that girl a little bit. But I’d NEVER go cannibal and bite her head off!

  Although I was pretty sure her head was completely hollow.

  Just saying!

  “What exactly did I do to her?” I asked nervously. “I don’t remember a thing!”

  “Well, the witch was standing right here, bullying us and stealing our snacks. Until you fell out of the sky and CLOBBERED her!” said Pizza Boy.

  Okay, I DID kind of remember the falling part.

  But nothing about a WITCH.

  “You were AWESOME!!” Chip gushed. “You landed right on top of her! We actually took pictures. Wanna see them?”

  “Um, SURE!” I answered.

  He pulled some photos out of his jacket pocket.

  “Here’s a pic of the witch bullying us. Those wedgies were pretty brutal. . . .”

  THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST, BULLYING MUNCHKINS INTO GIVING UP THEIR MUNCHIES!!

  I couldn’t believe my eyes!

  MacKenzie was dressed in a very fashionable witch outfit and torturing two Munchkins with double wedgies! OUCH !!

  Chip continued. “And here you are, valiantly coming to our rescue!” . . .

  ME, FALLING OUT OF THE SKY, ABOUT TO CLOBBER THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST

  “And then . . . POW!!” Chip shouted excitedly. “You took her out and saved us Munchkins!!” . . .

  ME, CLOBBERING THE WITCH!

  OMG! It was true! I’d actually landed on the Wicked Witch of the West!!!

  I would not have believed that ANY of this had happened if I had not seen the photos with my very own eyes.

  “And the final pic is of me and my friends getting even with the witch,” Chip explained. “As you can see, I’m really good at drawing mustaches!” . . .

  THE MUNCHKINS, DRAWING A MUSTACHE AND ASSORTED GRAFFITI ON THE FACE OF THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST

  OMG! That photo of her just lying there pushed me over the edge, and I TOTALLY lost it!!

  “OH NO! I’ve KILLED MacKenzie!” I wailed. “It was totally an accident. OMG! She’s . . . DEAD!! Where’s her b-body?!”

  “Probably in the school nurse’s office,” Chip answered. “She woke up right before you did. She’s NOT dead. Just REALLY ticked off!”

  “Thank goodness! At least I didn’t kill her!” I muttered, feeling relieved.

  I was NOT a murderer! Woo-hoo !

  “Nope! You just ripped her skinny jeans, smeared her lip gloss, broke three fingernails, tore out five hair extensions, and knocked her out of her designer shoes!” giggled Lollipop Girl.

  For MacKenzie, suffering all of that public humiliation was probably WORSE than murder!!

  That’s when I noticed the cutest pair of platform sneakers lying right in the middle of the gym floor. . . .

  THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST’S SUPERCUTE DESIGNER SHOES!

  I had to admit, those platform sneakers were to DIE for!

  “Anyway, the witch was really angry. She said she was going to hop on her broom and zoom off to the salon for an emergency appointment to get her hair and nails done, right after she visited the school nurse,” Chip explained.

  “You probably would have been better off accidentally killing her. Because now she’s probably going to try and kill YOU!!” a girl with a cupcake said sadly as she wiped away a tear.

  “Kill you dead! So sad!” the Munchkins murmured solemnly among themselves.

  “Just great! The last thing I need right now is a wicked witch hunting me down. I just want to go HOME!” I whined.

  “Well, you could always ask the Good Witch of the North to help you!” Lollipop Girl said. “She’s nice, friendly, and powerful.”

  “I’m going to need all the help I can get. The Wicked Witch of the West sounds like a real drama queen,” I said, starting to worry.

  Suddenly there was a flash of light, and everyone pointed toward the ceiling. . . .

  “Look! There she is right now!” Chip exclaimed.

  “WHO? The Wicked Witch . . . ?!” I gulped.

  She was the LAST person I wanted to see!

  It was DEFINITELY time for me to leave.

  Where is a TORNADO when you really need one?

  !!

  WHICH WITCH IS WHICH?!

  I stared in amazement as colorful sprinkles rained down around the room and then disappeared into the air.

  I gasped when a little girl appeared, wearing a pink Princess Sugar Plum costume and a HUGE crown. She was carrying a wand that was almost taller than she was.

  “BRIANNA?!” I shrieked excitedly. “OMG! I’m SO happy to see you! What are you doing in my gym class? Do Mom and Dad know you’re here?”

  “Hey, slow your roll, sister,” Brianna said, glaring at me. “I don’t think we’ve met before!”

  “Of course we’ve MET! You’re my SISTER! Don’t you recognize me? You just called me your sister a second ago!”

  “Actually, THAT was sarcasm!” Brianna said, rather, um . . . sarcastically.

  “Well, you LOOK just like my little sister!” I said, folding my arms and eyeing her suspiciously.

  “Sorry, but I’m NOT! I’m Brianna the Fairy Godmother, at your service!” she said, and curtsied. “I also work part-time as the Good Witch of the North on Tuesdays and Thursdays.” She handed me a business card written sloppily in crayon. It said . . .

  WISHES & ENCHANTMENTS BY BRIANNA

  You dream, I deliver–Since 1583

  Brianna the fairy Godmother

  a.k.a. Good Witch of the North

  President & CEO

  (555) 555-0111

  Then she gave me a big, warm smile. . . .

  BRIANNA, THE FAIRY GODMOTHER AND THE GOOD WITCH OF THE NORTH!!

  “Wow! You’ve been in business for a long time!” I exclaimed.

  “That’s right. I’ve got centuries’ worth of experience. And I look really good for my age too, don’t I?” she said, admiring her reflection in her wand. “Anyway, let’s talk about YOU! My new client!” She pushed several buttons on the base of her wand.

  Suddenly the star dinged and lit up, just like a smartphone.

  She read her wand and then stared at me as she tapped her chin in thought.

  “Hmm. This says you’ve traveled to our w
orld from an alternate universe. And it looks to me like you were knocked unconscious at some point,” Brianna announced matter-of-factly.

  “Wow! How did you know that?!” I asked, amazed.

  “Simple. My smartwand calculated where you’re from. The other part was just my lucky guess. OMG! What happened? It looks like you got hit in the face with a shovel! OUCH!”

  That’s when I just glared at that girl in complete disgust.

  I could NOT believe she was actually talking about my face like that right to my . . . um, FACE.

  There was an awkward silence.

  Then Brianna giggled nervously. “So, Nikki, what can I help you with today? Anything you want, just ask! However, I must warn you that temporary makeovers only come with a twelve-hour warranty.”

  “Well, right now I just want to go home! I’m supposed to babysit my sister later today. And I have a really bad feeling I’m going to have a very angry wicked witch hunting me down very soon.”

  Brianna giggled. “Yeah! You fell right out of the sky, and BAM!! It was HILARIOUS! I saw the video on WhoTube. It’s already gone viral!”

  “Wait, don’t you mean YouTube?” I asked.

  “No, it’s WHOTUBE!”

  “But the correct name is YOUTUBE.”

  “No! It’s WhoTube, Miss Smarty-Pants!” Brianna said, rolling her eyes at me.

  “Whatever!” I answered.

  “Now, pay close attention! The BEST way to get home is to go to the office. Once there, you’re going to ask for an appointment to see the Great and Powerful Wizard of—”

  “OZ!” I interrupted. “It’s Oz, right? I already know the story!”

  “WRONG!” Brianna snapped. “It’s the Great and Powerful Wizard of ODD!”

  “ODD?! Don’t you mean OZ?” I asked.

  “No! It’s ODD! And please DON’T interrupt me again! If anyone has the power to get you home, it’s the Wizard of Odd, also known as Principal Winston. He’s got a thick pad of PASSES that can magically transport you anywhere with the mere stroke of his pen. But be careful, because there are also detentions and suspensions lurking around that place. Got it?”

  “Got it!” I answered eagerly.

  “Also, I’m going to give you this pair of shoes. They have the power to—”

  “I know the story!” I interrupted. “Transport me HOME! Right?!”

  “WRONG!! They have the power to magically style you from head to toe in one cute outfit!” Brianna explained.

  “Oh! Is that all those shoes will do?” I asked, a little disappointed. “I was hoping for a pair of those glittery magic slippers like Dorothy’s.”

  “The Wicked Witch of the West is very vain. HER shoes don’t transport. They just STYLE. Sorry!” Brianna said.

  Then she dramatically pointed her wand at the platform sneakers.

  “Please, everyone needs to stand back at least twelve feet from my wand. It’s just a safety precaution to limit your exposure to random magic particles.”

  Everyone in the room scooted back a bit, and Brianna began a magic chant. . . .

  “Platform sneakers,

  fashionably sweet!

  Find your new home

  on Nikki’s, um . . .

  STREET!”

  Then she dramatically waved her magic wand, and . . .

  Absolutely NOTHING happened! !!

  I sighed and tried not to roll my eyes.

  Gravely concerned about this recent turn of events, all the Munchkins spoke in hushed tones among themselves.

  Brianna, obviously embarrassed, impatiently smacked her wand on the palm of her hand a few times.

  “Come ON! I just put new batteries in this thing yesterday!” she muttered.

  I didn’t want to seem obnoxious or anything, but my guess was that her magic spell was a little off.

  “Um, do you think maybe you should have said ‘FEET,’ instead of ‘STREET’? It’s just a suggestion. You’re totally the expert on magic here!” I said, shrugging my shoulders.

  Brianna wrinkled up her nose at me. “I already thought of THAT, Miss Smarty-Pants! So don’t tell me how to do my job.” She cleared her throat rather loudly and tried the magic chant again. . . .

  “Platform sneakers,

  fashionably sweet!

  Find your new home

  on Nikki’s . . .

  FEET!”

  Brianna waved her wand, and this time the shoes magically appeared on my feet.

  “They belonged to the Wicked Witch of the West, but now they’re all yours!” Brianna beamed proudly.

  “Thanks! But won’t she be a little irritated that I’m wearing her shoes?” I asked.

  “Actually, she’s going to be FURIOUS! But let’s face it. You need them a lot more than she does!” Brianna said matter-of-factly.

  “Well, if the shoes won’t help me get home, WHY do I even need them?” I grumbled.

  “Because your old sneakers STANK! When was the last time you washed those things? They smelled like sardines and baby burp!” Brianna said, fanning her nose.

  Even though I was highly insulted, I had to admit Brianna had a really good point.

  My mom was forever complaining about exactly the same thing.

  Even though I wore them daily in gym class, it had probably been a year since I had washed those sneakers.

  I’ve been needing a new pair of shoes for gym for quite a while now.

  Anyway, the new shoes were a PERFECT fit.

  And they looked even cuter on. . . .

  ME, ADMIRING MY NEW SHOES! (WELL, ACTUALLY, THE WITCH’S SHOES)

  I thanked my fairy godmother for her help and then said good-bye to all my new Munchkin friends. Then I kind of stood there, waiting patiently for Brianna to use her magic wand thingy again.

  “Okay, so what’s the problem NOW?” she huffed.

  “Um . . . aren’t you supposed to help me magically find the Wizard of Odd? You know, like in the story.”

  “NO! But it looks like YOU’RE trying to tell ME how to do my job again!” Brianna snarked.

  “Of course not! I—I was just wondering how I’m ever going to find the wizard if I don’t have a yellow brick road to follow. Or maybe you can whip up one of those GPS thingies.”

  Brianna rolled her eyes.

  “Simple! His office is where it’s ALWAYS been. Just go out this door and down the hall. It’s the first door on the right!”

  “Um . . . okay. Thanks!” I mumbled, feeling kind of stupid.

  Then I turned and rushed toward the gym door.

  I planned to go straight to the Fairy Tale Land Middle School office and find the Wizard of Odd. He’d give me a pass to go home, and then I‘d call my mom to pick me up. She’d take one look at my sad, puppy-dog eyes, and soon I’d be snuggled in my comfy bed, eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream with an ice pack on my face.

  Yep! I was starting to feel better already.

  My day had been one never-ending horror story. But soon my very weird adventure in Fairy Tale Land was going to have a HAPPY ENDING!

  !!

  WHERE AM I?

  OMG! I’m totally FREAKING out right now! Things around here are getting more bizarre by the minute!

  I exited the gym door just like my fairy godmother, Brianna, had instructed. But there wasn’t a hallway outside that door!

  NOPE! Just a DARK, CREEPY FOREST!!! !!! And, unfortunately, I’m very ALLERGIC to dark, creepy forests!

  I gasped and blinked a few times just to make sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me.

  Then, in a panic, I turned around and tried to rush back to the safety of the gym. But THAT was no longer an option. The door had disappeared into thin air! !!

  With the full moon, the huge trees cast spooky shadows that made it even more difficult to see in the darkness.

  I felt like I was in one of those scary slasher movies that my parents won’t let me watch. However, on a more positive note, my enchanted shoes worked like a charm !

  Th
ey magically changed my drab gym clothes into a SUPERcute sky-blue dress with a white apron, tights, and shiny black Mary Jane shoes.

  Which, for some reason, looked vaguely familiar. . . .

  Then it occurred to me that I was dressed just like my favorite storybook character, Alice from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland! SQUEEEE !!!

  But I digress. . . .

  Suddenly I had the very creepy sensation that someone was watching me. As the wind started to howl, I spotted a pair of sinister glowing red eyes staring right at me !!

  That’s when I screamed and started running through the woods as fast as I could. . . .

  I wandered through the forest, totally lost, for what seemed like . . .

  FOREVER!

  Then cold, hungry, and frightened, I collapsed in exhaustion in front of a huge rock.

  How was I ever going to get out of this place?!

  That’s when I suddenly remembered that I had a fairy godmother.

  THANK GOODNESS !!

  I cleared my throat and whispered loudly, “Um . . . Brianna! Can you help me? PLEASE!”

  But there was no response.

  So I tried yelling as loud as I could. . . .

  “BRIANNA!!! HELP!!”

  But the only response I got was a very peculiar echo: “BRIANNA HELP! BRIANNA HELP! BRIANNA HELP!”

  It quickly became very apparent to me that I was in this calamity all alone.

  NOTE TO SELF:

  Find a NEW fairy godmother!!

  !!

  I took three deep breaths and tried to calm myself.

  The last thing I needed to do right then was have a complete meltdown.

  Especially since I’d already had three or four today.

  I finally came to the logical conclusion that it would probably be easier to find my way out of the forest in the morning.

  Assuming, of course, I SURVIVED the night !

  ME, LOST AND ALONE IN THE DARK, CREEPY FOREST!!

  So I just sat there next to that big rock, staring into the darkness, hugging my knees and rocking back and forth, wishing I was back home with my OWN family, in my OWN room, snuggled in my OWN comfy bed.