Tales from a Not-So-Happily Ever After Read online

  That’s when I decided to take a look at the fairy tale book to get a few ideas.

  My teacher was right! Her book was pretty AWESOME. . . .

  ME, TOTALLY LOST IN THE FASCINATING FAIRY TALE WORLD!

  By the end of the hour, everyone was busy writing . . . except ME !

  Instead, I had spent the entire class completely absorbed in an exciting fairy tale adventure.

  Reading about tearjerking love stories and thrilling adventures was a great escape from my OWN very MUNDANE and extremely CRUDDY existence.

  But I still didn’t have the slightest idea what I was going to write. I left class more frustrated and discouraged than ever.

  I trudged off to my French class, hugging my books, trying to hide the nasty stain on my sweater.

  But kids still pointed at me and snickered.

  Right now I feel HORRIBLE! Sometimes I wish I could wave a magic wand and disappear!

  !!

  CRITICAL CRUSH CRISIS—10:55 a.m.

  After my French and social studies classes were finally over, I went back to my locker to wait for my BFFs, Chloe and Zoey.

  We meet there every day to walk together to gym class. I was surprised when Brandon rushed up to me.

  “Hi, Nikki! I’ve been looking for you all morning. I hope you got my texts! And, um . . . WOW! What happened to your sweater?!”

  “What’s up, Brandon? I just had a little accident. With a sandwich. But I’m fine. So, you sent me a text?”

  “Yeah. Actually, I sent you three. They were pretty important! The journalism camp I’m going to this summer has an opening for a cartoonist. I guess someone from another school canceled.”

  “Really? That sounds, um . . . interesting,” I said, trying to be coolly nonchalant.

  BRANDON AND ME, DISCUSSING GOING TO SUMMER CAMP TOGETHER !!

  But in the deepest depths of my inner soul, I was literally screaming . . .

  OMG! OMG! I COULD JUST DIE AT THE THOUGHT OF POSSIBLY SPENDING THE ENTIRE SUMMER HANGING OUT AT CAMP WITH BRANDON, TAKING LONG, ROMANTIC WALKS THROUGH THE WOODS HAND IN HAND, BREATHLESSLY GAZING INTO EACH OTHER’S EYES WHILE BEING EATEN ALIVE BY MOSQUITOES!! SQUEEEEEE !!

  “Nikki, Mr. Zimmerman said he wants to add a comic strip to our school newspaper. And he’s willing to pay for either you or MacKenzie to go to camp, since you’re both talented artists. Anyway, I was hoping it was YOU who signed up, because it looks like the spot has already been—”

  “Hold on, Brandon. Let me check my phone. Now that I think about it, I haven’t gotten ANYTHING from ANYONE all morning, which is VERY strange.”

  That’s when I took out my cell phone to check my calls and messages. And Brandon suddenly got this really puzzled look on his face.

  “So, where did you get your phone case? It’s definitely very, um . . . different!” he asked.

  “Actually, I got it last month at the mall.”

  BRANDON, WONDERING WHAT’S UP WITH MY PHONE!

  However, when I tried to retrieve the text messages Brandon had sent me, I had two small problems. . . .

  First, my cell phone battery was completely DEAD! Which meant Brianna was playing the Princess Sugar Plum games on it without my permission. AGAIN! !!

  Second, my eyes were about to rupture and BLEED from the terribly tacky self-portrait she had drawn on my PHONE with a black marker !!!

  ME, IN SHOCK AT WHAT BRIANNA HAD DONE TO MY POOR PHONE!!

  But the most disappointing thing was that because I never got Brandon’s text messages, MacKenzie will probably be the one spending the summer at camp with Brandon, being eaten alive by mosquitoes, not ME !!

  I was CRUSHED! And Brandon was pretty bummed about it too.

  Although I felt like crying (AGAIN!), I plastered a big smile across my face and told him how much I appreciated him texting me the camp information, even though I never got a chance to read it because my phone battery was dead.

  He kind of shrugged and stuck his hands in his pockets. “Hey, no problem. I guess there’s always next year. Right? Anyway, I’ll see you in bio.”

  “Sure. And thanks again,” I said as he headed down the hall.

  I sighed in frustration and then collapsed against my locker.

  It looks like my day is getting CRUDDIER and CRUDDIER by the hour.

  Seriously!

  I don’t know how much more of this DRAMA I can take!!

  !!

  PITY PARTY WITH MY BFFS—10:58 a.m.

  Good news! I’ve FINALLY come up with a brilliant plan for how to fix my stained sweater situation.

  After gym, I plan to go to the office and call my mom to come pick me up and take me home.

  Then I’ll take a quick shower so I won’t smell like Sassy Sasha and pickle juice.

  And after I’ve changed my clothes, I plan to bury my sweater in the backyard!

  If I hurry, I might actually make it back to school in time for bio and get to see Brandon again !

  One thing is for sure, I don’t know how I would make it at this school without my BFFs, Chloe and Zoey!

  No matter how bad I’m feeling, they always manage to make me laugh and lift my spirits. And today was no different.

  I told them about all the drama with Brianna, MacKenzie, and Brandon. And then I showed them my messed-up sweater and the graffiti on my phone case. They just stared at me in horror. . . .

  ME, SHOWING MY HORRIFIED BFFS MY MESSED-UP SWEATER AND THE GRAFFITI ON MY PHONE!

  Chloe said, “OMG, Nikki! You poor thing! I feel SO sorry for you!”

  And Zoey said, “ ‘When things are bad, we take a bit of comfort in the thought that they could always be WORSE. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get BETTER.’—Malcolm S. Forbes.”

  Then they both gave me a BIG hug!

  So right now I’m feeling a lot better.

  Chloe and Zoey are the BEST friends EVER!!!

  !!

  THE PERILS OF P.E.—11:05 a.m.

  I could hardly wait for gym to be over so I could finally go home and change.

  As we were finishing up our warm-up exercises, our teacher disappeared into the storage closet.

  That meant only one thing! We were going to be doing some type of activity with a ball!

  JUST GREAT !

  She was going to emerge with a basketball, soccer ball, volleyball, baseball, or maybe a football.

  Sorry, but I was starving! The only ball I wanted to get up close and personal with right then was a juicy meatball or a savory cheese ball. YUM!!

  Unfortunately, my food fantasy was rudely interrupted when the teacher blew her whistle and announced the most HATED gym class activity known to humankind. . . .

  Then our teacher threw the balls out on the gym floor and the game began. All the athletic kids immediately scrambled for a ball.

  Being the first person out is the ultimate humiliation.

  Everyone jeers and makes the L for “loser” sign with their fingers while you slowly do your “walk of shame” to the bleachers.

  I wasn’t about to let that happen to me!

  AGAIN!!

  But just in case it DID, I had tucked my diary and pen inside my shirt so I could make good use of my downtime on the bleachers.

  I immediately noticed Jessica staring at me the way a hungry snake stares at a mouse. And YIKES! Unfortunately for me, she had a ball in her hands.

  Suddenly she took off running toward me.

  I bobbed and weaved through the cross fire of flying balls like a pro until she somehow trapped me in a corner.

  “Ha! There’s nowhere to run now!” She grinned. “Eat rubber, DORK!”

  She threw the ball at me, but I ducked just in the nick of time. As the ball ricocheted off the wall, her eyes got as large as saucers.

  “UH-OH!” she whimpered, and quickly turned to try to run away.

  But the ball smacked her right on her butt!

  WHOP!!

  “You’re OUT! You’
re OUT!” a boy cried gleefully as he pointed at her.

  “YES!!” I shouted in triumph as I did my Snoopy “happy dance” right there on the gym floor.

  Jessica was the FIRST person out of the game!!

  While the other kids taunted Jessica, I leaned against the wall to catch my breath. Chloe and Zoey excitedly ran up to me and gave me high fives.

  “OMG!” Chloe cried. “I thought Jessica had you for sure!”

  “Nikki, just take deep breaths,” Zoey huffed. “You sound like you’re hyperventilating!”

  “I’m f-f-fine!” I panted. “But that was close! I thought I was DEAD!”

  We’d only been standing there for a few seconds. Then, before I could even scream “WATCH OUT!!” a group of jocks started whipping balls at us like we were giant teddy bears in a carnival arcade game or something.

  OMG! We could feel the rush of cool air as the balls whizzed by, just missing our heads.

  Chloe, Zoey, and I just FROZE like deer in headlights. . . .

  ME AND MY BFFS, GETTING AMBUSHED!

  “Well, girlfriends! It’s the three of us against the world! And, personally, I think we’re DOOMED!” Chloe groaned.

  “Come on, guys! Don’t give up yet!” Zoey said. “If we’re moving targets, they’ll have a harder time hitting us. SCATTER! And whatever you do, DON’T. STOP. RUNNING!”

  So we took off in different directions, running around the gym like headless chickens.

  We ran in circles, zigzags, and swirls. And that strategy really seemed to work.

  Because somehow my BFFs and I managed to survive the game. Soon it was down to just the three of us and a few others.

  This was the longest we had EVER lasted!

  That’s when we started to really get into the game. We were running, catching, throwing, and dodging like Olympians. It was actually a lot of fun! . . .

  ME AND MY BFFS, HAVING A BLAST PLAYING DODGEBALL !!

  Until MacKenzie suddenly appeared out of nowhere and screamed . . .

  “HEY, MAXWELL! EAT THIS!”

  She threw the ball at me as hard as she could! . . .

  And then . . .

  OMG!

  I got hit right in the face!!!

  It felt like that ball was going one hundred miles an hour.

  Suddenly everything was hazy and in slow motion.

  I tried to walk to the bleachers, but my legs felt all squishy, like jelly.

  Something was wrong.

  VERY wrong!

  My BFFs’ voices sounded really, really far away, almost like an echo.

  “Nikkiiiiiiiiii!” Zoey cried. “Someone get the teacherrrrr!”

  “Oh noooooo!” Chloe screamed. “I think she’s huuuurt! Helllllp!”

  My head was spinning like crazy!

  And so was the room!

  That’s when I lost my balance and felt myself falling.

  Then everything went pitch-black.

  !!

  DESCENDING INTO THE DEEPEST DEPTHS OF DARKNESS

  When I finally opened my eyes, I was surrounded by darkness.

  I was completely disoriented and had the weirdest sensation of intense butterflies in my stomach. It was the same exact feeling you get on a roller coaster.

  It actually felt like I was . . . falling?!

  YES! That was it!!

  OH, CRUD!!!

  I was FALLING!!!

  And falling . . .

  And falling . . .

  And FALLING !! . . .

  SOMEPLACE REALLY WEIRD!!

  The only thing I knew for sure was that I WASN’T sure about ANYTHING anymore.

  I wasn’t sure if I was actually AWAKE and just THOUGHT I was DREAMING! Or if I was actually DREAMING and just THOUGHT I was AWAKE!

  I wasn’t sure what was reality and what was fantasy.

  I was asleep (I think) when suddenly I heard voices.

  “Everyone stand back! Give her room to breathe!” said a guy whose voice I didn’t recognize.

  “Do you think she’s still alive?” asked a girl.

  “I’m not sure. She looks kind of dead to me. See how dull and lifeless her skin is?” another guy replied.

  I was like, Sorry, dude! Unlike MacKenzie, I DON’T have a lifetime membership to You-Pay-We-Spray! tanning salon.

  NOTE TO SELF: ALWAYS use blush and bronzing powder. Because you never know when you’ll wake up surrounded by a group of insensitive beauty critics who mistake you for DEAD!

  “Very good point,” another girl agreed. “She looks DEAD to me, too!”

  “Oh well! She’s lucky the fall killed her BEFORE the Wicked Witch of the West did!” said the second guy.

  “Hey, let’s check her pockets for munchies!” suggested a third guy.

  “Good idea!” the first guy exclaimed. “After all, dead people don’t eat snacks. Usually.”

  Okay, this conversation was, like, way TOO weird!

  That’s when I suddenly opened my eyes. I was completely surrounded by a group of blurry faces staring at me. . . .

  A GROUP OF VERY STRANGE KIDS, STARING AT ME AND MISTAKING ME FOR DEAD!

  “Not so fast!” I shouted. “I’m NOT dead! YET!”

  The startled group gasped and cautiously backed away from me.

  Then they quietly whispered among themselves, “She’s NOT dead?! Nope! Not dead at all!”

  I slowly sat up and looked around. I was on the floor in the gym.

  But I had no idea who those kids were.

  They were shorter than me, oddly dressed, and covered in . . . what looked like, um . . .

  JUNK FOOD?!!

  They had candy and popcorn stuck in their hair, chocolate and peanut butter smears on their clothing, and sticky hands and faces.

  Those kids’ clothing was covered in more food stains than my new sweater. . . .

  It was like I had single-handedly started a “sloppy chic” fashion craze.

  “Well, dip my chip! She’s ALIVE after all!” the first guy exclaimed as he gave me a warm smile. “This is awkward! Please accept our sincerest apologies.”

  “No problem,” I muttered as I staggered to my feet, still slightly dizzy. “Ugh! I don’t feel so good!”

  “I know what will make you feel better!” a small girl said shyly. “How about a lollipop?”

  Actually, that sounded like a great idea. I hadn’t eaten all day, and I was starving.

  The little girl pulled a sucker out of her dark curly hair and offered it to me.

  At first glance, it looked like the candy was coated with powdered sugar. YUM!!

  But upon closer inspection, I realized it was lint and dandruff!

  With a few stray hairs!

  EWW !!

  I plastered a big smile across my face to keep from gagging. . . .

  MUNCHKIN GIRL, OFFERING ME A HAIRY, LINTY, DANDRUFF-COVERED LOLLIPOP!

  “Gee, thanks, hon! But I just had lunch,” I lied.

  Then the entire group crowded around and stared at me as they munched loudly on their snacks. . . .

  VERY STRANGE KIDS, STARING AT ME AS THEY MUNCH ON SNACKS

  “I’m Chip. Nice to meet you!” the first guy finally said, and extended his hand. It was greasy and covered with crumbled potato chips, but I shook it anyway.

  “Hi, I’m Nikki! I’m glad to meet you and all of, um . . . your friends.”

  “It’s a miracle you actually survived that ordeal!” Chip said, with a mouthful of chips.

  I quickly glanced around the gym and realized I didn’t see ANYONE from my P.E. class.

  “Is my class already over? I’ve never seen any of you before. You must be sixth graders,” I said.

  What was going on?!

  I vaguely remembered MacKenzie SLAMMING me in the face with a ball during a game of dodgeball. And me feeling faint and falling.

  Chloe and Zoey had totally panicked and screamed for help and—

  Wait a minute!! WHERE were Chloe and Zoey?!!

  Had they just left me lying there on
the floor and rushed off to their next class?!

  Clearly, none of these people were in MY gym class. Heck, I didn’t even recognize them as attending my SCHOOL!!

  I suddenly felt woozy due to another dizzy spell. Where was the ding-dang school nurse when you really needed her?

  And, more important, where was my gym teacher?

  Maybe she could explain what was going on. And give me a pass, since I was obviously late for lunch and possibly even bio.

  As I slowly limped toward the gym door to leave, it felt like my entire face had been rearranged.

  I probably had two black eyes, a busted lip, a chipped tooth, AND a broken nose !!

  I was going straight to the office to call my parents to go HOME.

  “Good-bye! And thank you for taking care of that evil witch for us! You’re our HERO!” Chip cheered as the other students joined in.

  I stopped in my tracks and slowly turned around.

  “Um, WHAT evil witch? And HOW exactly did I take care of her?” I asked, trying desperately to remember what had happened. “And, um . . . WHO are you guys?”

  “Well, we’re Munchkins, and we attend Fairy Tale Land Middle School along with all the other storybook characters. MacKenzie, the Wicked Witch of the West, always stole our munchies,” Chip explained. “Until YOU came along!”

  “MUNCHKINS?! You’re kidding me!” I said, glancing around the room for hidden cameras. “Okay! I’m being PUNKED by Chloe and Zoey for some TV show or something! Right?!”

  “It’s very possible. But I don’t know any Munchkins named Chloe or Zoey. Are they Regals, Renegades, or Rogues?”

  “HUH?!” I blinked in confusion. “I don’t have any idea what you’re talking—”

  “You know! The stuff we learned in Introduction to Storybook Family Genealogy,” Chip said.