Dork Diaries 13 Read online

  “Mom!” I whisper-shouted. “Since we’re new, I think we should probably be in the back.”

  But what I really meant was, “Mom! Do we really want to publicly HUMILIATE ourselves by being front and center so EVERYONE can LAUGH at us?!”

  “Actually, Nikki, we’re beginners, so the closer we are to the instructor, the better!” Mom said cheerfully as she waved hello to everyone.

  MOM, PICKING A REALLY BAD SPOT!

  “Your mom is right.” The instructor smiled. “Just do what you can and always remember to breathe,” she said calmly.

  I snorted and then turned it into a cough.

  BREATHE?! Did she ACTUALLY think I would FORGET to breathe? WHO does that?!!

  My thoughts were rudely interrupted when two students entered the room.

  “Hello, ladies!” our instructor chirped. “Why don’t you set up over here by our newcomers?” She explained proudly to Mom and me, “They’re my STAR students! Just keep an eye on them, and you’ll learn the perfect technique.”

  OMG! You’d never guess who’s a SUPERadvanced yoga student!

  MACKENZIE HOLLISTER, that’s who !!

  And, apparently, her mom.

  They sashayed over together with matching mats, towels, water bottles, and duffel bags. I was pretty sure MacKenzie’s yoga pants cost more than my mom’s CAR! I am so NOT lying.

  MacKenzie wrinkled up her nose at me like my yoga mat was old, dirty, and smelled really bad.

  Well, okay. All of that was TRUE.

  But STILL!

  MacKenzie is such a BIG FAKE! She gave me a phony smile and placed her mat near mine. For some reason, she pretended to be nice—probably because her guru was watching.

  “Okay, everyone! Let’s warm up,” the teacher said.

  I had barely managed to bend over when MacKenzie immediately began to pose her body into shapes NO HUMAN BODY was meant to make!

  I hated to admit it, but she was AMAZING! . . .

  MACKENZIE IS AWESOME AT YOGA!

  Her mother was pretty good too!

  “Very nice, MacKenzie!” our teacher said.

  But as soon as the teacher turned her back, MacKenzie rolled her eyes at me.

  I almost fell over on my mat.

  But not because of MacKenzie. I got a huge, very painful CRAMP in my leg!

  Now, remember what the teacher said about not forgetting to breathe? I’d only been in the class for about ten minutes when . . .

  I TOTALLY FORGOT TO BREATHE !

  OMG! Do you have any idea how HARD yoga is?!!

  FIRST of all, this was some kind of torture yoga where they make the room really warm like a sauna. Soon I was sweating BUCKETS.

  That seemed DANGEROUS! I could slip in a puddle of my OWN sweat and rupture my spleen.

  SECOND of all, I thought yoga was sitting cross-legged, quietly meditating while humming the word “OMMMMM” like they do on TV.

  Sorry, but it’s NOT!

  So don’t believe the hype.

  I was screaming, “OW! That HURTS!” in my head while I tried to do all the weird, uncomfortable poses.

  Within minutes I was in so much pain, I thought I was going to DIE!

  My mom was struggling too. But she had that fierce, determined look on her face like she was NOT going to give up.

  So I decided NOT to give up either!

  ESPECIALLY in front of MacKenzie!

  UNTIL . . .

  I had a little “situation” during yoga class.

  OMG! I thought I was going to DIE! Not from pain, but EMBARRASSMENT.

  I really don’t want to stop writing in the middle of this diary entry, but my mom just called me down for dinner.

  I’ll try to finish this tomorrow.

  I just hope we’re NOT having leftovers. AGAIN!

  !

  SUNDAY, JUNE 8

  Okay! I can FINALLY finish the diary entry from yesterday. . . .

  So, I was in that yoga class, pretty much dying of embarrassment! WHY?!

  My yoga teacher gave us a minute to rest in this position called “child’s pose.”

  It basically involves curling up in a little ball and silently crying into your yoga mat, begging for the TORTURE to end!

  NOT! I’ll admit I made that last part up about crying into your mat.

  Anyway, this was the first pose that actually felt comfortable. I even relaxed! But do you have any idea what happens when you relax in that position?!

  Child’s pose should come with a WARNING!

  I accidentally let out an enormously LOUD and LONG, um . . . well, I’ll just put it this way. . . .

  It kind of sounded like a four-thousand-pound hippopotamus BURPING. . . .

  Only, mine WASN’T a burp, because it came out of the other end.

  And if THAT weren’t bad enough, it happened while the room was completely quiet.

  I totally FREAKED OUT! And my mom did too. . . .

  ME, HAVING A SUPEREMBARRASSING MOMENT IN YOGA CLASS

  OMG! Even MacKenzie couldn’t keep up her phony ZEN YOGI act after that. She actually looked shocked, angry, and nauseated. All at the same time!

  I cringed as my face turned bright red. . . .

  ME, SO HUMILIATED, I WANTED TO DIG A DEEP HOLE, CRAWL INTO IT, AND DIE!

  The teacher gazed at me sympathetically. “It’s all right, dear,” she said loudly. “In fact, it’s a good thing. Passing wind just indicates you’re relaxing important muscles.”

  OMG! I couldn’t take it anymore! I mumbled an excuse about needing to use the restroom and rushed out of the class.

  “Congratulations!” the teacher yelled after me. “Your BOWELS are happy and healthy!”

  The LAST thing I wanted or needed was for the teacher to discuss the condition of my bowels! Especially in front of MacKenzie Hollister!!

  Mom came out a minute later, her face still flushed and covered with sweat.

  “I’m sorry, Mom,” I muttered. “You can finish the class if you want. I’ll just wait out here.”

  Mom gave me a weak smile as we watched the front desk lady light more incense.

  I couldn’t help but wonder if it was to get rid of the smell of my, um . . . stinky situation!

  “I think we’ve both had enough yoga for today,” Mom said, squeezing my hand. “Come on. Let’s go!”

  We walked out of the dim studio into the bright sunshine and gulped the fresh air.

  Mom checked the time on her cell phone. “We’ve still got a half hour before we have to pick Brianna up from her ballet class. So why don’t we grab a scoop of ice cream?”

  The ice-cream shop next door to the yoga studio is definitely MY kind of place. No incense or snooty ladies judging me. And, best of all, no MacKenzie Hollister.

  Just bright colors, loud pop music, and so many sugary sweet toppings, I get hyper just looking at them.

  But I still couldn’t shake the AWFUL feeling of what had just happened back at the yoga studio.

  I mean, it would have been BAD enough in a room full of strangers. But in front of MACKENZIE?! I could just imagine all the nasty things she was going to post on social media. Very soon EVERYONE at my school was going to be GOSSIPING about me and LAUGHING at me!

  OMG! What if my CRUSH, Brandon, sees it ?!

  Before I knew it, big, fat tears were rolling down my cheeks. . . .

  “Oh, sweetheart!” My mom sighed as she pulled me close and gave me a big hug. “I think this calls for a super-deluxe hot fudge sundae with extra whipped cream.”

  She ordered, and I tried to stop being so upset.

  I just HATE when MacKenzie makes me feel like that!

  “Did I ever tell you about the time I threw up on my prom date?” my mom asked, obviously trying to change the subject as we walked to a table.

  “MOM!! NO WAY!” I gasped.

  She explained how she’d eaten some bad shrimp at the fancy restaurant before prom and then vomited all over her date during their first slow dance.

  “You
actually THREW UP on your PROM date?!” I giggled. “Did you transfer to a new school after that? Wait! I bet your prom date transferred to a new school after that! I would have!”

  I have to admit, HER horror story made me feel a little better about MINE.

  “So, did that guy ever speak to you again?!”

  Her eyes twinkled, and she tried to hide a smile.

  “Spill it, Mom! That guy NEVER, EVER spoke to you again, right?!”

  “Actually, we speak all the time,” she said smugly.

  “NO WAY!” I sputtered. “Really?”

  Her phone buzzed, and she glanced at it. “In fact, that’s HIM texting me right now!”

  I could not believe my mom was actually BLUSHING!!

  Okay, NOW I was dying of curiosity.

  I quickly leaned forward to sneak a peek at her phone and was a little shocked to see . . .

  MY DAD’S FACE!

  “DAD?! The prom guy was DAD?!” I shrieked. “Why haven’t you ever told me this story before?!”

  My mom grinned at me.

  “Of course, it felt like a HUGE deal back then, Nikki. But now it’s just one more thing in life that didn’t quite go as planned. What’s a little vomit on our first date when we’ve been through two childbirths, plus opening a business and moving to a new city, all while raising two beautiful daughters? Hey, that prom dinner disaster was NOTHING when you live with a sweet little Princess Sugar Plum-addicted hurricane in pigtails like . . .”

  Mom and I exchanged knowing glances as we both blurted out . . .

  “BRIANNA!”

  I started to giggle.

  Then Mom started to laugh.

  Soon we were both SNORTING into our hot fudge sundae! . . .

  MOM AND ME, TALKING ABOUT LIFE AS WE SHARE A HOT FUDGE SUNDAE!

  That hot fudge sundae was DELISH!

  I have to admit, it was fun hanging out with my mom yesterday.

  She’s actually kind of COOL!

  In spite of being a MOM and wearing that very TACKY outfit from her college days.

  Now, THIS is the kind of quality GIRL TIME I could get used to!

  !

  MONDAY, JUNE 9

  Since it was a perfect summer day, Chloe, Zoey, and I decided to meet up at the park to continue planning my party. I brought Daisy along too.

  “Nikki, your pool party is going to be EPIC!” Chloe exclaimed.

  “It’ll be SO epic that kids will STILL be TALKING about it on the FIRST day of school!” Zoey raved.

  “And because of YOUR very cool party, everyone will be DYING to invite US to THEIR parties!” Chloe explained.

  “Nikki and Chloe, do you realize this could change our lives?!” Zoey said wistfully. “We could become the most POPULAR kids at school!”

  WOW! All this party stuff was making me feel light-headed. Or maybe Daisy’s leash was cutting off the blood circulation to my brain. . . .

  MY BFFS AND ME, EXCITEDLY PLANNING MY PARTY WHILE DAISY MAKES A FRIEND!

  The fact that my birthday party might impact our social status at school next year made me a little nervous. What if something goes wrong?!

  But my BFFs assured me that everything was going to be just fine!

  “Don’t worry, Nikki!” Chloe said. “Since I know EVERYTHING about parties, I’ll be your social director. I’ve had three parties for my brother, and everyone is still talking about the last one.”

  “I know, Chloe. But everyone is STILL talking about it because of that little problem you had with your game, remember?” I reminded her.

  Chloe rolled her eyes at me and folded her arms. “Hey, it wasn’t MY fault I had to call 911 during that game of Simon Says because my little brother stuck a cheesy snack up his nose. And THEN all the other kids stuck cheesy snacks up THEIR noses because Simon said to. Nikki, I could have totally lost it and FREAKED OUT! But I didn’t. I was calm and handled my business!” . . .

  CHLOE, CALLING 911 ABOUT A CHEESY SNACK EMERGENCY!

  I had to admit that Chloe had a really good point. I couldn’t have handled ONE kid with a cheesy snack stuck up his nose, let alone SIX!

  I would have totally lost it when all those emergency vehicles arrived with sirens blaring.

  Chloe was practically a HERO! Well, kind of.

  “Nikki, don’t forget that I’ve attended some awesome celebrity sweet sixteen parties with my dad,” Zoey explained. “So I’m pretty much a party EXPERT. I’ll be your activities director.”

  “Thanks, Zoey! But weren’t most of those parties SUPERexpensive?” I asked.

  “That’s true,” Zoey admitted. “But instead of hiring the Bad Boyz to perform at your party, we could have a DJ. And instead of the sushi bar and the climbing wall, we could have Frappuccinos and a zip line. That would drastically reduce our budget by about 18%!” she explained as she crunched the numbers on her calculator.

  WAIT! Did Zoey just say “ZIP LINE”?! What if I’m ALLERGIC to zip lines?! . . .

  ME, HAVING A SEVERE ALLERGIC REACTION TO A ZIP LINE!

  “Um, won’t a zip line cost a lot?” I asked.

  “Don’t worry. If we’re on a tight budget, we can always cut out more stuff,” Zoey answered.

  “Listen, guys, to be honest, I don’t even HAVE a budget! Unless you count the $8.73 I have hidden in my sock drawer,” I muttered. . . .

  MY LIFE SAVINGS OF $8.73 THAT IS HIDDEN IN MY SOCK DRAWER!

  That’s when Zoey kind of stared at me and blinked her eyes really fast.

  “OMG! Our party budget is only $8.73?!” she muttered. “Well, okay! Let’s not panic! We could use that for the, um . . . Frappuccinos, I think. Actually, that would only buy the ICE for the Frappuccinos. Like maybe two small bags of ice. But we’re off to a really good start.”

  Thank goodness Zoey is an expert on celeb parties AND a FINANCIAL wizard!

  We decided that an island luau party theme with a HUGE swimming pool would be fun and exciting.

  However, in spite of my BFFs’ enthusiasm, I suddenly had a really BAD feeling about my party.

  How was I going to have an EPIC party when all I could afford were a couple of bags of ice?!

  It was going to be a JOKE!

  Unless I could come up with the cash to buy all the party stuff I needed.

  I could do the responsible thing and get a job and try to earn the money myself. But that could take weeks, or even months.

  Desperate times call for desperate measures.

  So I’ll just have to convince my parents to pay the extra money for a fancier island luau birthday party.

  Unfortunately, having a child my age is VERY expensive.

  But it’s NOT my problem.

  My parents should have thought of that BEFORE I was BORN!

  !!

  TUESDAY, JUNE 10

  GREAT NEWS ! Chloe, Zoey, and I have finally figured out all the details for my island luau birthday party.

  OMG! It’s going to be AWESOME! However, we still have one small complication: the COST. Even though we got rid of the zip line and a few other things, it’s more money than I have. Which, by the way, is still only $8.73 !

  But my BFFs told me not to worry about those minor details when my parents can pay for it.

  Since we need water for an island party (DUH!), it was Zoey’s idea (as my activities director) to have it at the brand-new community pool. The cost to rent it is $250, but the payment is not due until three days before the party.

  We found the PERFECT party invitations at a fancy card shop in the mall. Zoey insisted on loaning me her babysitting money to buy them.

  OMG! They’re SUPERcute! . . .

  MY BIRTHDAY PARTY INVITATIONS!

  I was going to invite about twenty people. But Chloe (as my social director) suggested that I invite kids from North Hampton Hills International Academy and South Ridge Middle School, along with kids from our school, Westchester Country Day. So we ended up with a guest list of one hundred!

  We had a BLAST hanging out at Chlo
e’s house working on the invitations. . . .

  CHLOE, ZOEY, AND ME, WORKING ON MY BIRTHDAY INVITES!

  Since my party was going to be FABULOUS, Chloe and Zoey thought it would be a good idea to invite some of the CCPs.

  Of course, I wasn’t too excited about that, mainly because of that nightmare I’d had.

  But Chloe and Zoey made the very good point that if WE want to be invited to some of the best parties at school, we needed to invite a wide variety of classmates.

  We also decided to invite my worst FRENEMY!

  YES! MACKENZIE HOLLISTER!

  But we weren’t inviting her to be friendly.

  We were pretty sure MY birthday party was going to be better than HER birthday party. And once MacKenzie figured this out, she’d go into a JEALOUS rage and have an extremely INTENSE and PAINFUL reaction right at my party in front of EVERYONE! . . .

  YEP! We were very sure that MacKenzie’s HEAD was going to literally EXPLODE from JEALOUSY!

  And once that happens, she won’t be able to say and do all those mean things to us that make our lives MISERABLE!

  WOO-HOO !!

  Okay, I’ll admit that I’m exaggerating, and her head is probably NOT going to explode.

  But I bet MacKenzie IS going to get so jealous and angry that her EYES are going to BULGE out of her head until she looks like a TOAD in lip gloss and hair extensions.

  Hey, I’ve seen her do it plenty of times. Like when I won that art competition and when I went to the Valentine dance with Brandon.

  Anyway, we decided that Chloe would keep the invitations and mail them out on June 16.

  I’m FINALLY starting to get SUPERexcited about my party, and now I’m actually looking forward to it!

  It’s going to be AWESOME!

  Even though I initially had second thoughts about having a big birthday bash, I’m SO happy I decided to do it.

  I’m really thankful for Chloe and Zoey and all their encouragement and hard work planning everything.

  I couldn’t have done it without them.

  Now all we have left to do is order the birthday cake, arrange the music, and buy the party decorations!