Dork Diaries 13 Read online

  Planning a big party for one hundred people has been fun, exciting, and A LOT easier than I thought it would be.

  As soon as we finish up the last few items on our checklist, we’ll be DONE with my party.

  TWO weeks ahead of time!

  SQUEEEE !

  I was FREAKING OUT for no reason at all.

  We’re SUPERorganized and in total control!

  Hey! WHAT could go WRONG?!

  !!

  NOTE TO SELF: Ask Mom and Dad for a new bike for my birthday! Brianna rode my bike without permission and left it in the driveway BEHIND Dad’s roach van. He ran over it, and now my frame is bent and the wheels make a loud squealing noise whenever I ride it ! I’d ALSO like a replacement sister for my birthday.

  WEDNESDAY, JUNE 11

  I was SO happy and excited about my party when I woke up this morning. It’s almost all I ever think about.

  I’m actually counting down the days on a calendar that I taped to the back of my bedroom door.

  When I checked my cell, I was shocked to see that I had received twenty-seven calls, forty-nine e-mails, and fifty-four text messages!

  And they were ALL about . . .

  MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!!

  Somehow, word had gotten out, and now EVERYONE was talking about it.

  And it was not just the kids at WCD. Students at North Hampton Hills and South Ridge were buzzing about it too.

  I didn’t have the slightest idea how everyone had found out about my party, since we hadn’t sent out the invitations yet.

  Although it PROBABLY had something to do with the fact that my social director, Chloe, had posted my invitation on social media.

  It had already gotten 357 likes!

  And my activities director, Zoey, had posted a photo of the colorful flower garden at the community pool that looked like a real tropical island retreat!

  It had already gotten 310 likes!

  OMG!

  People I didn’t even know were BEGGING for an invitation to MY party!

  I decided to have an emergency Skype meeting with Chloe and Zoey to discuss the situation. . . .

  ME, TALKING TO CHLOE AND ZOEY ONLINE ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

  I was a little nervous about all the attention that my party was getting. But Chloe and Zoey insisted that it was a good thing because it meant people were dying to attend. Chloe said that since she was my social director, I could forward all the messages I’d received to her and she would answer them for me.

  Then my BFFs asked me if I wanted to increase my guest list from one hundred to one hundred and fifty people. Or maybe even to two hundred people!

  I was like, “Thanks, guys! But SORRY! I don’t think I even KNOW two hundred people!!”

  However, our conversation was interrupted when Brandon called me on video chat on my cell phone.

  SQUEEEEEEE !

  My BFFs and I agreed to end our conversation so I could talk to Brandon. Chloe and Zoey said they’d Skype me again in ten minutes so we could finish discussing my party.

  “Hi, Brandon!” I said, smoothing my hair down. I was worried that it looked like I’d just stuck my thumb in an electrical socket.

  It seemed like EVERYONE had questions about my birthday party.

  I spent the next five minutes telling him everything, like how it was going to be an island luau party at the community pool, and all the cool activities Zoey had planned. I also told him that we’d be mailing out the invitations on June 16.

  “Actually, I saw everything on social media.” He smiled. “Everyone is talking about it. Your party sounds like fun!”

  “So, did I answer all your questions?” I asked.

  That’s when he nervously brushed his bangs out of his eyes and kind of blushed. “Well, actually, I wanted to ask you if you’d like to—”

  But Brandon was interrupted by someone calling me on Skype. It was probably Chloe and Zoey. I answered, planning to ask them to call me back in five minutes. But I was SHOCKED to see . . .

  “OH, WOW!” I sputtered in surprise. “Hi, André! How are you doing?”

  OMG! I just sat there STUNNED! And a little . . . um, FREAKED OUT!

  WHY?!

  Because I was talking to BRANDON on my cell phone and ANDRÉ on my laptop.

  AT EXACTLY THE SAME TIME !!

  I could BARELY manage to talk to EACH of them ALONE, let alone TOGETHER!

  I was hoping that they couldn’t see or hear each other. Then I’d just hang up on BOTH of them. And later I’d call each guy back, pretending that his call had dropped.

  I thought it was an ingenious plan to get out of a very sticky situation. But, unfortunately, the guys COULD see and hear each other. JUST GREAT !!

  This is how their conversation went:

  ANDRÉ: Brandon?! Is that you? I hope I’m not interrupting anything important. Although, considering everything, I highly doubt it.

  BRANDON: Actually, André, as usual, YOU ARE! It would be really COOL if you’d go interrupt somewhere else.

  ANDRÉ: My apologies, Brandon. I’ll just call Nicole back later. You know, after she finishes your BABYSITTING session and your mum puts you down for your nap!

  BRANDON: DUDE! Her name ISN’T Nicole, it’s NIKKI! And BABYSITTING?! You really need to go get some breath spray. All that GARBAGE you’re TALKING is starting to STINK so bad that I can smell it through the PHONE!

  ANDRÉ: Actually, Brandon, that smell is probably your DIAPER!

  ME: COME ON, GUYS! Can you at least PRETEND you’re NOT three-year-old spoiled BRATS and TRY to get along?!

  BRANDON: Hey, HE started it!

  ANDRÉ: NO! HE started it, and I just finished it!

  BRANDON: No, I didn’t!

  ANDRÉ: Yes, you did!

  BRANDON: NO, I DIDN’T!

  ANDRÉ: YES, YOU DID! Sorry, Nicole! I was just calling to ask you an important question about your party. It’s all over social media.

  BRANDON: Her name isn’t NICOLE! Why do you keep calling her that? Anyway, NIKKI, before WE were so rudely interrupted by Mr. Diaper Breath, I was about to ask you a question.

  ME: Listen, guys! You’re BOTH invited to my party. Although, after all this, I’m seriously having second thoughts. I might just drop both of you off at Toddler Time DAY CARE! Anyway, WHAT did you each want to ASK me?! . . .

  ME, TOTALLY CONFUSED WHEN BRANDON AND ANDRÉ ASK ME THE SAME QUESTION!

  So WHAT did I do?

  I had a total MELTDOWN and PANICKED! Then I started to LIE like a rug. . . .

  “Listen, guys! Your connections are really BAD, and I can barely hear a word you’re saying! SHHHHHHHHHH! Did you hear all that static? SHHHHHHH!! I really need to go right now because SHHHHHHH!! Sorry, but I think both your calls are about to drop. SHHHHHH! So I’ll call you both back later. BYE! SHHHH!”

  CLICK! I disconnected Brandon on my cell.

  CLICK! I disconnected André on my laptop.

  Yes, I know! Faking static and dropped calls was dishonest, immature, and pathetic!

  But WHAT was I supposed to do when they were fighting and put me on the spot like that?!

  Although, to be honest, NEITHER of them DESERVES to be my date at my birthday party.

  As much as I like Brandon, I just HATE the way he and André act whenever they’re around each other. They are both so IMMATURE!

  Most of the time I feel like I AM their BABYSITTER! And they BOTH need to be put in TIME-OUT!

  Sorry, but I have way more important things to do than referee their BRATTY little BATTLES.

  Anyway, it’s quite obvious that everyone is SUPERexcited about my party. But I STILL need to convince my mom and dad to pay for it.

  My BFFs should be Skyping me again any minute now. If we really want this party to happen, we need to come up with a budget that my parents CAN’T refuse.

  FINGERS CROSSED!

  !!

  THURSDAY, JUNE 12

  OMG! The registration DEADLINE for the trip to PARIS was last night at midnight!
I can’t believe that I ALMOST completely forgot about it.

  I went to bed around 9:30 p.m. last night. But at exactly 11:55 p.m., I woke up in a cold sweat and suddenly remembered that I hadn’t sent in my Parental Permission Form yet.

  My parents had signed it two weeks ago. And I’d already scanned it and attached it to an e-mail. But I’d never clicked the send button.

  The CRAZY part was that I just sat there last night staring at the computer screen, like, FOREVER!

  I guess I STILL wasn’t really sure if I wanted to spend July in Paris or touring with the Bad Boyz.

  But, at exactly 11:59 p.m., I FINALLY chose . . .

  ME, FINALIZING MY SUMMER PLANS!

  I’m NOT going to tell my friends just yet. I want to break the news to them gently, all at the same time. Maybe over pizza or cupcakes.

  Anyway, today I planned to talk to my mom about paying for my birthday party. So I gave her a neatly typed and very detailed copy of the budget my BFFs and I had carefully made.

  “Hey, Mom, here’s a list of everything I need for my birthday party. And it’s ONLY, um . . . $500.”

  I smiled nervously. . . .

  ME, SHOWING MOM MY PARTY BUDGET

  Mom closed her book and gasped like I had just announced that I was running away to join the circus and asked to borrow her credit card.

  “$500?! Really, Nikki?!” she groaned. “Do you really NEED to rent a POOL?”

  “Wait! Before you say no, just think about it!” I argued. “It’s a lot LESS than what kids at my school spend on THEIR birthday parties. MacKenzie had hers at the country club!”

  “You’re NOT MacKenzie!” Mom exclaimed. “Her yoga outfit probably cost MORE than my CAR! I think a party in the backyard could be really fun and a lot LESS expensive!”

  I had to concede that my mom was right. But NOT about a party in our backyard being fun and cheaper.

  I’d ALREADY come to the conclusion that MacKenzie’s yoga outfit probably cost MORE than Mom’s CAR!

  My mom didn’t seem to understand that my party was a VERY important event! Chloe and Zoey said it could either MAKE or BREAK our reps at school next year.

  “Listen, Nikki, let’s just do a smaller birthday party this year and save up for a big one next year, okay?” Mom suggested. “I’ve already made a budget for you. It won’t be an expensive luau pool party, but it’ll be just as FUN.”

  Then she gave me her handwritten note. . . .

  Nikki’s Birthday Party

  Pizza

  $45

  Kool-Aid

  $5

  Cake

  $20

  Ice Cream

  $10

  Partyware

  $10

  Decorations

  $10

  Total

  $100

  I could not believe my OWN mother wanted to spend ONLY $100 on my party!

  Brianna’s last birthday party cost at least $300! But most of that was to pay for broken dishes and other damage to the Queasy Cheesy restaurant. . . .

  BRIANNA, THE PARTY ANIMAL!

  I tried to explain to Brianna that just because she was the birthday girl didn’t mean she could climb up on top of the table and start singing and dancing like she was Taylor Swift or somebody.

  But she wouldn’t listen.

  Thank goodness Brianna wasn’t hurt when the table tipped over and she landed right on top of Queasy the Mouse, who was serving pizza at the table next to ours. She hit poor Queasy so hard that she knocked the wind out of him and his plastic nose popped right off.

  OMG! I was SO embarrassed!

  Anyway, Mom suggested that we carefully review both of our proposed party budgets and continue our discussion tomorrow.

  Sorry, Mom! But I DON’T need to review your stupid cheapo budget! I already know it’ll NEVER work!

  !!

  FRIDAY, JUNE 13

  There was just no way that Mom’s $100 party budget was going to work. Chloe, Zoey, and I could easily spend that amount in ONE evening just on pizza, movie tickets, popcorn, soda, and candy.

  I was waiting at the front door when my mom got home from work.

  “Mom, I can’t have an island luau party with only $100!” I whined. “And what about music? The DJ would probably cost more than that!”

  “Well, how would you like to have LIVE music for your party instead of a DJ?” Mom asked.

  I couldn’t believe my ears!

  “Are you serious?!” I exclaimed happily. “Mom, that’s great! I have a list of three bands that Chloe and Zoey suggested. I’ll contact them to see if they’re available.”

  “Actually, I was thinking that we could just ask Mrs. Wallabanger,” Mom said.

  “You want Mrs. Wallabanger to contact the bands?!” I asked, a little confused.

  “No, Nikki! She’s been taking accordion lessons and offered to provide music at your party for FREE!” Mom explained. “And the best part is that she asked a couple of the ladies from her belly-dancing class to join her. Isn’t that SWEET of her?”

  “Mom, are you KA-RAY-ZEE?!” I shrieked. “I want a SUPERcool POOL party! Not a STUPID belly-dancing-polka party for OLD PEOPLE!”

  But I just said all that inside my head, so no one else heard it but me.

  Just the thought of our elderly next-door neighbor and her friends performing at MY party in front of all my FRIENDS made me throw up in my mouth a little. . . .

  MRS. WALLABANGER, PERFORMING AT MY BIRTHDAY PARTY WITH BELLY DANCERS !

  OMG! I was SO upset with my mom that I ran upstairs to my bedroom and slammed the door.

  But I had no privacy WHATSOEVER because within sixty seconds Brianna barged in without even knocking.

  She handed me a picture of a sloppily drawn birthday cake. . . .

  BRIANNA’S CAKE FOR MY BIRTHDAY?!

  “Guess what, Nikki? I can make you a birthday cake for your party! It’ll have ALL your favorite foods and costs ONLY $200! Would you like to place your order?”

  YES! My little sister, Brianna, who can barely fix herself a bowl of Fruity Pebbles cereal, had offered to bake the BIRTHDAY CAKE for MY party!

  “Brianna, my favorite foods are pizza, ice cream, sushi, pancakes, clam chowder, and Skittles candy. WHAT kind of a cake will THAT be?!” I fumed.

  “I don’t know.” She shrugged. “A very STRANGE but YUMMY one?!”

  I did not appreciate her little JOKE!

  My party was NOT a laughing matter!

  “Brianna, you can’t just throw random foods together like that. Your WACKY birthday cake could give my party guests a MILD case of FOOD POISONING and a SEVERE case of DIARRHEA! What am I supposed to do? Hand out bottles of Pepto-Bismol and stomach pumps in my party goody bags?!” I yelled at her.

  But the most disturbing part was that my very own sister was charging me the outrageous price of $200 for a NASTY pizza-ice cream-sushi-pancakes -clam chowder-Skittles-FLAVORED cake!

  With only FOUR candles on it!

  What a RIP-OFF!

  Sorry, but little kids today have NO integrity!

  Although, to be honest, I wouldn’t want Brianna’s cake even if it were FREE!

  Yesterday Brianna baked me a cookie.

  Only it didn’t look like one, because it was shaped like a big blob and was kind of burnt.

  It actually looked more like something she’d scraped off the floor of a monkey cage at the Westchester Zoo .

  OMG! Just being in the same room as Brianna’s cookie makes me feel sick. . . .

  BRIANNA’S VERY NASTY-LOOKING COOKIE

  I thanked her for it just to be nice. But as soon as she left the room, I tossed her so-called cookie right into the trash.

  About an hour later I was surprised to discover that Daisy had snuck something out of the trash can and was happily munching on it.

  BRIANNA’S COOKIE !!

  I tried to stop Daisy, but it was too late! She had eaten every last crumb.

  “NO, NO, DAISY! BAD DOG!” I scol
ded her.

  That’s when Brianna rushed into the kitchen to see what all the commotion was about.

  After I explained what had happened, Brianna looked really disappointed.

  Then she sniffed sadly and muttered, “Well, at least SOMEBODY liked my cookie.”

  Yes, Daisy loved Brianna’s cookie. But Daisy also loves to eat garbage and drink toilet water.

  Although I felt sorry for my little sister, I have to admit that garbage and her cookie have a lot in common. Both are NASTY and need to be BURIED in a LANDFILL to protect the PUBLIC!

  Anyway, THAT’S the reason why Brianna making MY birthday cake is a really, really BAD idea.

  Between my mom’s tacky, SUPERcheap party budget, Mrs. Wallabanger’s accordion music with elderly belly dancers, and Brianna’s nasty birthday cake, my party is going to be a . . .

  TRAIN WRECK!

  HOW am I supposed to have an exotic island luau POOL party in our backyard when we don’t have a SWIMMING POOL?!! I guess I’ll just have to HUMILIATE MYSELF and use Brianna’s Princess Sugar Plum inflatable KIDDIE POOL for my party! . . .

  ME, HUMILIATING MYSELF IN BRIANNA’S PRINCESS SUGAR PLUM KIDDIE POOL!

  THANK YOU, MOM!

  The thing I’ve DREADED most since the first day I started planning this party has just happened.

  I thought the person who was going to RUIN one of the HAPPIEST days of my life would be my FRENEMY!!

  But my very own MOTHER has single-handedly turned MY birthday party into a complete . . .

  NIGHTMARE!

  And it’s all YOUR fault!

  !!

  NOTE TO SELF: My cheapo parents have also decided that a new bike for my birthday will be too expensive! Even though I need one really badly. They told me to pick something else, so I’m going to ask for a CAN OF BAKED BEANS!! I am NOT lying !

  SATURDAY, JUNE 14

  JUST GREAT !

  I barely slept at all last night!