Dork Diaries 13 Read online

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DORK DIARIES FANS!

  I hope your birthday is as special as you are !

  WEDNESDAY, JUNE 4

  OMG! MY BIRTHDAY PARTY IS BEYOND AWESOME!

  SQUEEEE !

  Just imagine a FABULOUS and FUN bash at the Westchester Country Club with a band, DJ, all-you-can-eat pizza, ice-cream sundae bar, two hundred of my closest friends, my loyal BFFs, my adorkable CRUSH, and a humongous birthday cake.

  Everything is SO unbelievably PERFECT, I need to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming. OUCH!! That hurt! (I just pinched myself!)

  The GOOD NEWS is that not even my mortal FRENEMY, MacKenzie Hollister, can RUIN the most AMAZING day of my entire life !

  The BAD NEWS is that I was totally WRONG about the GOOD NEWS ! . . .

  My wonderful birthday party had turned into a complete CATASTROPHE! It was AWFUL! Thank goodness the entire thing was just a . . .

  HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE !!

  OMG! That dream felt SO real! I woke up FRANTIC in a cold sweat.

  And now just the thought of having a party is totally FREAKING ME OUT.

  I’m obviously suffering from a very serious and debilitating medical condition called CBPP, or CRUDDY BIRTHDAY PARTY PHOBIA.

  It’s an irrational fear of birthday party disasters.

  I think I first contracted this illness on my fifth birthday. I had invited my ENTIRE kindergarten class to my party, and my dad dressed up as a clown.

  He was HILARIOUS!

  Until he was lighting the candles on my birthday cake and somehow accidentally set the seat of his baggy clown pants on fire.

  Don’t ask me HOW!

  At first Dad panicked and ran around the room shouting, “FIRE! FIRE!”

  Then he quickly put it out by SITTING in a huge bowl of fruit punch! . . .

  MY DAD, THE CLOWN, GETTING PUNCH!

  All the kids laughed and cheered because they thought it was all part of his very funny clown act. But I was SO upset, I couldn’t eat any of my birthday cake.

  To this day, I have an extreme FEAR of clowns. Luckily, not ALL of them. Just SCREAMING CLOWNS with their BUTTS on FIRE!

  I’m VERY serious! They practically scare the SNOT out of me.

  DON’T LAUGH! It’s NOT funny !

  Okay, maybe it IS kind of funny .

  But STILL!

  Anyway, my birthday is on Saturday, June 28, and my BFFs, Chloe and Zoey, are BEGGING me to throw a big birthday party.

  They’re so excited about it that they’re coming over tomorrow to help me plan everything.

  Unfortunately, Chloe and Zoey are going to be SUPERdisappointed when I break the bad news that I’ve changed my mind. That scary dream has me worried that if even the TINIEST thing goes wrong, my birthday could turn into a complete DISASTER.

  Hey, I’d LOVE to be the pretty and popular PARTY PRINCESS.

  But come on! WHO am I kidding?!

  MY life is NOT a fairy tale.

  And I am NOT Cinderella.

  Sorry! But if I dramatically dashed out of the royal ball at midnight in a glamorous, enchanted gown and lost my beautiful glass slipper, I’d step right in a pile of DOG POOP!

  !!

  THURSDAY, JUNE 5

  I’m STILL freaked out about my nightmare, and it keeps replaying in my head like a bad movie. I was covered from head to toe in so much frosting, I felt like a HUMAN cupcake !

  So today I planned to break the news to Chloe and Zoey that I’ve decided NOT to have a birthday party.

  With all the things that could go WRONG, it was just not worth the risk. I hoped my BFFs would understand and be supportive.

  They arrived at my house all fired up, with a HUGE stack of books and magazines about PARTY PLANNING. Just great !

  But I was totally shocked when they yelled, “SURPRISE!” and handed me a copy of a brand-new bestselling book.

  I could NOT believe my eyes and just stared at it in AWE! . . .

  It was a PARTY PLANNING book based on my FAVE reality TV show, My Very Rich and Trashy Life! Chloe and Zoey said it was an early birthday present that I could use to plan my party.

  And get this! They’d also ordered a large QUEASY CHEESY pizza (which was a good thing, because all that intense WORRYING about my party had made me REALLY HUNGRY)!

  It was quite obvious my BFFs were taking their party planning duties VERY seriously !

  We ran upstairs and crashed in my bedroom. . . .

  CHLOE, ZOEY, AND ME, PIGGING OUT ON PIZZA WHILE READING BOOKS AND MAGAZINES ABOUT PARTY PLANNING!

  Although I appreciated their efforts, I finally gathered the courage to tell them the bad news. “Listen, guys, I’m really thankful you’re helping me plan a big birthday bash. But, to be honest, I’d be perfectly happy with just the three of us hanging out in my backyard, trying not to choke on my dad’s burnt hamburgers,” I joked.

  “Nikki, that’s a GREAT idea!” Zoey exclaimed. “Look at this! The My Very Rich and Trashy Life! Party Planner has instructions for a FUN outdoor cookout.” She showed me a page in the book. . . .

  “It even suggests a midnight bonfire!” Chloe said. “OMG! That’s going be SO ROMANTIC, right?! For YOU KNOW WHO . . . !” Then she started making silly kissing noises.

  I kind of wanted to SLAP her. But I didn’t. “That sounds really, um . . . interesting. But why don’t the THREE of us just have a sleepover and watch some movies instead?” I insisted.

  Chloe flipped through my new book. “Guess what?! Sleepovers are in here too. Look. . . .”

  “Now, THAT sounds really COOL!” Zoey giggled.

  Okay. I was starting to get annoyed. “CHLOE! ZOEY! PLEASE! I really NEED you both to LISTEN!” I yelled. They got really quiet and just stared at me.

  “Nikki, it’s up to you! It’s YOUR birthday. If you want a LISTENING party, that’s fine with us.” Chloe shrugged.

  “I LOVE that idea!” Zoey exclaimed. She flashed us another page from the book. . . .

  “A listening party would actually be very RETRO and CHIC!” she said excitedly.

  I could NOT believe my friends were so CLUELESS! That’s when I totally lost it!

  “COME ON, guys! I’m so EXASPERATED right now, I could just . . . SCREEEEAM!!” I ranted.

  “Your book is AMAZING!” Chloe exclaimed. “There’s actually a PARTY for THAT, too!!” . . .

  “You could have a scream fest dance party for two hundred people in a warehouse!” Zoey suggested.

  OMG! I felt like having a SCREAM FEST right there in my bedroom.

  “PLEASE, JUST STOP! I don’t want ANY of these parties! My life is SUPERstressful right now. It feels like I’m being tossed into the deep end of the popularity pool and I have to sink or swim. I know I’m supposed to just dive in, but I’m scared to death I might DROWN! Do you guys understand what I’m trying to say?”

  Chloe and Zoey stared at each other and then at me as they nodded slowly.

  “I hope you aren’t MAD at me,” I muttered.

  “Nikki, WHY would we be mad at you?!” Zoey asked. “It’s OUR fault that we didn’t understand what you really wanted. We weren’t listening.”

  “Now we HEAR you loud and clear!” Chloe said. “And it’s perfectly fine with us if you want a . . .”

  MY BFFS THINK I WANT A POOL PARTY?!

  “A pool party is OUR first choice too!” Zoey shrieked in excitement.

  “But we wanted to leave it totally up to YOU since it’s YOUR birthday!” Chloe squealed.

  “Luckily, your new book has an entire chapter on pool parties!” Zoey added.

  Then my two BFFs started dancing around the room shouting, “POOL PAR-TAY! POOL PAR-TAY! NIKKI’S HAVING A POOL PAR-TAY!”

  It was suddenly very clear
that my BFFs wanted this birthday party REALLY, REALLY badly!

  And as much as I was freaked out about the whole idea, I just didn’t have the heart to disappoint them. So I jumped up and started dancing around the room with them and shouting, “POOL PAR-TAY! POOL PAR-TAY! I’M having a POOL PAR-TAY!”

  Then we did a group hug! That’s when Chloe and Zoey said the kindest, most sweetest thing anyone had EVER said to me.

  “We’re SO happy you’re having this party, Nikki! You deserve it! And since you might be in Paris this summer, we really want to spend this special day just celebrating YOU!” Chloe explained.

  “For once WE’LL get to do something NICE for you, to repay you for ALL the WONDERFUL things YOU’VE done for US!” Zoey exclaimed.

  “Nikki! You’re the GREATEST friend EVER!” they both gushed, and started to tear up.

  OMG! Right then I felt VERY special! It’s quite obvious that Chloe and Zoey truly CARE about me!

  They’re the BEST. FRIENDS. EVER!

  And if having this birthday party will make THEM happy, then it will make ME happy too!

  !!

  PS: I should also be HAPPY that I WON’T have to see MacKenzie very much this summer. For once, my life will be DRAMA FREE!! WOO-HOO !

  FRIDAY, JUNE 6

  School has been out for the summer for ONLY three days, and my BRATTY little sister, Brianna, is ALREADY driving me . . .

  KA-RAY-ZEE !

  Ever since she earned her cooking badge in Scouts a few weeks ago, she’s been obsessed with making nasty-tasting food unfit for human consumption.

  You’d think that with practice, Brianna wouldn’t be such an AWFUL cook.

  I don’t understand how it’s possible, but instead of her cooking skills getting better, they seem to be getting worse!

  When I came downstairs, Brianna was busy BURNING breakfast.

  “Good morning! Are you hungry?” she asked.

  “OMG!” I gagged as I plugged my nose. “Brianna, WHAT is that SMELL?!”

  BRIANNA, COOKING UP YET ANOTHER REALLY NASTY MEAL

  Actually, it smelled HORRIBLE! Like ten-day-old garbage. Rotting in slimy swamp water.

  Suddenly I noticed putrid black smoke pouring out of the toaster.

  Brianna fanned the smoke and smiled.

  “I’m cooking peanut-butter-covered SARDINES, swimming in ketchup and topped with gummy worms, all on toasted bread. It’s a gourmet breakfast sandwich that I made up all by myself!” She beamed proudly.

  “Brianna, that just sounds . . . UGH! I don’t even have words to describe it!” I muttered.

  Then I threw up in my mouth a little.

  “How about DELISH?! It should be ready any second now . . . !” Brianna said as she stared at the toaster.

  That’s when I heard an earsplitting . . .

  POP!

  All I saw was a BLUR as Brianna’s peanut butter, sardine, ketchup, and gummy worm sandwich shot out of that toaster like a ROCKET!

  It hit the kitchen ceiling at eighty miles per hour with a loud . . .

  SMACK!

  . . . and stuck up there like glue. Melted gummy worm goo and ketchup dripped from the ceiling, making a rainbow-colored puddle on the floor.

  “OOPS!” Brianna muttered, and then smirked like the huge mess on the ceiling and floor wasn’t HER problem.

  I was SO disgusted!!

  “Brianna! Look at the MESS you just made. Your sardine sandwich is plastered up there like ceiling tiles. So WHAT are you going to do NOW?!”

  Brianna giggled nervously. “Um, eat a big bowl of my marshmallow-spaghetti-’n’-meatball-popcorn cereal with milk instead?” She shrugged.

  I gagged and threw up in my mouth AGAIN!

  However, the HUMONGOUS MESS she left in the kitchen sink was even NASTIER than the sandwich stuck on the ceiling! . . .

  BRIANNA LEAVES A PILE OF FIFTY-THREE DIRTY DISHES IN THE KITCHEN SINK

  “Sorry, Brianna! But I refuse to waste any more of my time and energy cleaning up your cooking DISASTERS,” I fumed.

  I decided to take matters into my own hands.

  When Mom got home from work, I convinced her to get Brianna a toy she’s been wanting FOREVER—the Princess Sugar Plum Lil’ Chef Gourmet Cooking Set.

  Not only would it be safer and easier for her to use, but it would ALSO keep her from TRASHING the kitchen, BURNING DOWN the house, and SHOOTING PROJECTILES out of the toaster.

  I’m going to be SUPERbusy over the next few weeks planning my big birthday party.

  And the LAST thing I need is to be distracted by Brianna cooking her nasty-tasting, foul-smelling, so-called FOOD!

  Once all the Brianna drama was over, I decided to chillax with my puppy, Daisy, and work on the guest list for my party.

  I was pleasantly surprised when I received a call on my cell phone from my crush, Brandon! . . .

  I WAS HAPPY THAT BRANDON ACTUALLY CALLED ME !

  He thanked me again for helping him with the Fuzzy Friends Animal Rescue Center charity drive. He was really happy because so far it had been a HUGE success.

  And get this! Everyone LOVED the puppy artwork that I’d drawn for the website.

  So Brandon came up with the brilliant idea to auction off my drawings to raise even MORE money! . . .

  MY CUTE PUPPY DRAWINGS!

  Then he asked me the question I’d been DREADING. . . .

  “Nikki, I’m not trying to pressure you or anything! But have you made up your mind about whether you’re going on that scholarship trip to Paris or on tour with our band, opening for the Bad Boyz this summer? We really need to start practice sessions with or without you so that we’re prepared.”

  To be honest, I didn’t have the slightest idea what I was going to do.

  Just thinking about it gave me a massive headache and sweaty palms.

  “You’re right, Brandon. We really need to start band practice. But I’m STILL not sure what I plan to do this summer. I’ll let you know as soon as I make a final decision.”

  “Okay, I understand. Listen, just so you’ll have one LESS thing to worry about, the guys and I can start band practice tomorrow and just work on the music for the next few weeks. That will give you more time to figure things out,” Brandon replied.

  “What a GREAT idea! Then the vocals and choreography can just be added later on. Brandon, you’re a LIFESAVER!” I gushed.

  “No prob!” he said. “It sounds like you’re going to have a busy summer. If there’s anything I can do to help out, just let me know. Regardless of your final decision, I’ve got your back!”

  “Thanks, Brandon! Actually, my summer is about to get even CRAZIER! I decided to have a birthday party this year, and Chloe and Zoey are helping plan it. It’s going to be on Saturday, June 28! You’re definitely invited!”

  “Wow! You’re having a party, too?! So when do you plan to get any SLEEP?!” Brandon teased. “Thank you for the invite! I’m really looking forward to it.”

  “I am too!” I giggled.

  That’s when things suddenly got kind of AWKWARD. We didn’t have anything to say, but we didn’t want to hang up. Finally he said . . .

  After we hung up, I sent Brandon a text. . . .

  Thanks again for volunteering to start band practice!

  Then he texted me a thumbs-up, music notes, and a HEART!

  SQUEEEEEEE !!

  Although, the heart could have simply meant that he loves MUSIC and not . . . um, you know!

  I realize I’m really lucky to have him as a friend.

  And even if I DITCH the Bad Boyz tour to hang out in Paris with my new friend André, whose father lives there, Brandon said he’ll be okay with my decision.

  Because WHO would turn down an all-expenses-paid trip to PARIS for two weeks?!

  NOBODY!!

  So I have NOTHING at all to worry about, RIGHT?!

  WRONG!!

  WHO am I kidding?!

  I REALLY, REALLY like Brandon.

  A LOT!!

  S
o I need to be VERY careful, or I could end up DESTROYING our friendship.

  FOREVER!!

  !!

  SATURDAY, JUNE 7

  NOTE TO SELF: The next time Mom says, “Hey, Nikki, let’s have some quality GIRL TIME with just YOU and ME,” suggest a movie.

  Or frozen yogurt. Or getting our nose hairs PAINFULLY plucked out one at a time.

  But NOT a mother-daughter YOGA CLASS !!

  I mean, I have nothing against yoga. I’m sure it’s great for some people. Maybe I’ll even enjoy it MYSELF one day.

  But TODAY was NOT that day!

  Mom wanted to unwind from an unusually stressful week at work and had a two-for-one coupon for this new yoga studio in our neighborhood.

  I didn’t have anything better to do. And since I almost NEVER get time with just my mom, I said yes.

  BIG MISTAKE !!

  I knew it the moment we walked into that place.

  All the women wore fancy exercise clothes that matched their yoga mats. They just stared at us and whispered to each other. Probably because Mom was wearing a ripped, tie-dyed T-shirt and faded gym shorts from her college days.

  It was quite obvious these ladies didn’t want us in their class. I got a huge knot in my stomach when I realized they were just like the CCPs (Cute, Cool & Popular kids) at my middle school. But all GROWN UP!

  Mom’s eyes glazed over as she swayed to the weird new age music and inhaled the lavender-sage incense. I totally ignored my primal urge to run out of there SCREAMING.

  Everyone in the class had their own fancy yoga mats in fancy yoga bags, but we pulled two from a pile in the corner.

  Yep! DUSTY, GERMY mats covered in other people’s SWEAT that smelled like dirty gym socks stuffed with pickle relish.

  JUST GREAT !

  I was expecting the instructor to be a slender young lady in her twenties, but I was WAY off. She was older than my mom, with a SUPERathletic body and her long gray hair in a braid.

  Mom eagerly unrolled her mat at the front of the room, right next to the instructor.