Tales from a Not-So-Happily Ever After Read online

  (NO SNOOPING ALLOWED!!!)

  To all of my ADORKABLE fans around the world—follow your dreams and you too will find your Happily Ever After!

  TUESDAY, APRIL 1

  I’M LATE! I’M LATE!—7:22 a.m.

  AAAAAAAAAAHHH !!

  (That was me screaming in frustration!)

  I can’t believe I overslept! AGAIN! Now I’m probably going to be late for school! WHY?!! Because my bratty little sister, Brianna, has been sneaking into my bedroom at night and stealing my alarm clock!

  She’s been using it to get up extra early to make a peanut butter, jelly, and pickle sandwich to take to school for lunch. YES! She actually adds PICKLES!

  I don’t know which is more NAUSEATING, Brianna or her disgusting sandwich!

  Anyway, now I have less than three minutes to shower, shampoo, brush, dress, pack, eat, gloss, and GO!

  This is how my very CRUDDY day began. . . .

  OMG!! I got dressed for school in two minutes and nineteen seconds! Which is probably a NEW late-for-school world record!!

  I decided to wear my brand-new sweater with the cool fringe on it. It took me TWO whole months to save up to buy it from SWEET 16, a trendy teen store in the mall.

  Looking back on my morning, there was definitely GOOD NEWS and BAD NEWS.

  The GOOD NEWS . . . ?

  My day had gotten off to such a HORRIBLE start, I was absolutely SURE there was NO WAY things could get any WORSE !

  The BAD NEWS . . . ?

  I was TOTALLY WRONG about the GOOD NEWS!

  !!

  BREAKFAST BATTLE—7:25 a.m.

  OMG! I was so TICKED OFF at Brianna for swiping my alarm clock that smoke was practically spewing out of my EARS!! . . .

  I wanted to stuff her in a big box and ship her off to Princess Sugar Plum Island to be the pooper-scooper for all those cute little baby unicorns she loves so much.

  “Brianna! Did you take my clock again?!” I yelled. “If I’M late for school, it’s all YOUR fault!”

  “I didn’t take your clock. Miss Penelope did! She thinks you need all the BEAUTY SLEEP you can get! Have you looked in the mirror lately?” Brianna said, sticking her tongue out at me.

  “Miss Penelope THINKS I need beauty sleep?! Sorry, Brianna, but Miss Penelope CAN’T think. She doesn’t have a BRAIN! She’s a hand puppet!” I shot back.

  “She does TOO have a brain!” Brianna shouted. “She says she can go to puppet school to get smarter, but YOU need to go on that TV show Ugly Face Intervention!”

  I was like, Oh. No. She. DIDN’T !!! I could NOT believe Miss Penelope was talking TRASH about me like that. SHE was going to need an intervention!! After I took a pen and drew her a mustache. THEN we’d see whose FACE was the most messed up, MINE or HERS!

  Anyway, Brianna was at the kitchen table, slopping together peanut butter, jelly, and pickles to make her very disgusting sandwich. . . .

  BRIANNA, BUSY MAKING A DISGUSTING PBJ & P SANDWICH!

  “Would you like me to make one for you, Nikki? It’s yummy! SEE?” Brianna said, shoving her sandwich right in my face.

  I cringed at the slimy, drippy mess. . . .

  EWW! It SMELLED even worse than it looked. Kind of like peanut butter, jelly, and, um . . . rancid pickle juice !

  “Um . . . no thanks!” I muttered, totally grossed out.

  “Come on. Just take one bite!!” Brianna said, waving it under my nose. “You’ll LOVE it!”

  “No, Brianna! Actually, I’m not hungry anymore! I took one look at your sandwich and COMPLETELY lost my appetite!!”

  “Are you SURE? It’s awesomely delicious!” She giggled.

  I just rolled my eyes at that girl.

  What part of the word “NO” did she NOT understand?!

  I wanted to scream, Sorry, Brianna, but . . .

  I will not eat it with a DOG!

  I will not eat it with a FROG!

  I will not eat it with a CAT!

  I will not eat it with a RAT!

  I will not eat it in my ROOM.

  On the BUS. Or on the MOON!

  I will not eat it NORTH or SOUTH!

  It made me throw up in my MOUTH!

  Call me PICKY! Call me FICKLE!

  I DON’T like PBJ and PICKLES !!!

  Anyway, Brianna went to the fridge to get a juice box, and I gathered my stuff and was about to head out the door, when suddenly she came charging at me like an angry baby rhinoceros in pigtails.

  SHE actually accused ME of taking her sandwich!

  That’s when we started yelling at each other. . . .

  BRIANNA, ACCUSING ME OF SWIPING HER YUCK-A-LICIOUS SANDWICH!!

  “My sandwich is missing, and YOU took it!”

  “Brianna! I wouldn’t feed that nasty sandwich to my WORST ENEMY!”

  And by worst enemy, I meant people like . . . well, you know . . .

  MACKENZIE HOLLISTER !!

  Although, now that I think about it, I probably WOULD feed that sandwich to my worst enemy.

  I’d LOVE to just shove it right down her throat!

  Just kidding !

  NOT !!

  Actually, I really am kidding !

  I try to be friendly and get along with EVERYONE at my school. But for some reason, MacKenzie HATES MY GUTS!!

  Anyway, by the time I finally left for school, Brianna was busy making another sandwich.

  It’s like, the older she gets, the more BRATTY she becomes.

  I think it’s time for me to have a very serious talk with my mom and dad about their parenting skills.

  WHY?

  Because I’m really SICK and TIRED of Brianna . . .

  1. taking my stuff without permission (like my clock!).

  2. stealing my cell phone to play the Princess Sugar Plum games and running down my battery.

  3. waking me up in the middle of the night to take her to the bathroom, by jumping up and down on my bed (while I’m still in it !!). . . .

  BRIANNA, WAKING ME UP IN A VERY RUDE MANNER!!

  It’s absolutely vital that my parents get professional help for Brianna before it’s too late.

  They let her get away with EVERYTHING! But when I ask to do stuff, it’s always a big fat “NO!”

  I was really looking forward to volunteering at the Fuzzy Friends Animal Rescue Center after school today with my crush, Brandon.

  But my mom said I couldn’t!

  WHY?!! Because I have to babysit BRIANNA!

  TYPICAL !!

  It was kind of a big deal because this would have been my first time hanging out with Brandon since . . . well, you know!!

  My very first KISS!!! SQUEEEEEEE!!! !!

  OMG! I was SO shocked when it happened! I thought I was going to DIE!

  It was SO romantic!

  Even though my eyes were open the entire time and practically bulging out of my head.

  And after it was over, I hyperventilated!

  Almost.

  The only problem with the kiss is that it happened at a charity event to raise money for kids. So I don’t know if Brandon did it because he actually likes me, or because he was just trying to save the needy children of the world.

  Anyway, thanks to my KA-RAY-ZEE sister, I’m a nervous wreck and totally stressed out.

  And my school day hasn’t even started yet!

  NOTE TO SELF: Get a NEW sister!!

  !!

  LOCKER SHOCKER!—7:44 a.m.

  I was happy and relieved that I actually made it to school on time.

  In spite of my very cruddy morning, I’d made up my mind that I was going to have a really good day.

  I was surprised that my new sweater got SO much atte
ntion.

  As I was walking down the hall, practically EVERYONE stopped and stared. Even the GUYS!

  And get this!! A few of the CCP (Cute, Cool & Popular) girls actually smiled, pointed, and whispered to each other.

  It was quite obvious they were LOVING my new sweater!

  I felt just like a fashion model walking the runway or something. . . .

  EVERYONE STARING AND POINTING AS I STRUTTED DOWN THE HALL

  I was like, “Good morning, people! Please don’t HATE on my FABULOUS sweater!!” But I just said that inside my head, so no one heard it but me.

  When I got to my locker, I put my stuff away and was about to write a quick entry in my diary.

  I was feeling REALLY happy about my life right then !

  I wasn’t even that mad at Brianna anymore. Hey, she’s ONLY a little kid! When I was her age, I was WAY more annoying.

  Suddenly I noticed MacKenzie staring at me like I was a . . . two-headed, um . . . SQUIRREL or something. But I just ignored her like I always do.

  Then she shrieked, “OMG, NIKKI! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT SWEATER?!!”

  Which was the STUPIDEST question EVER! That girl has the IQ of a wad of chewed bubble gum! . . .

  I just glared at her and calmly answered, “I got my sweater from a STORE. You know, where YOU buy stuff, like your HAIR and your TAN.”

  MacKenzie was obviously INSANELY jealous of my fabulous new sweater.

  And she just couldn’t deal with the fact that MY outfit was way CUTER than HER outfit.

  Then she pointed at me and snickered. . . .

  “UM . . . NIKKI, ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE A FASHION STATEMENT? OR HAVE YOU JUST BEEN EATING OUT OF THE GARBAGE AGAIN?”

  That’s when I finally looked down at my sweater. Plastered across the front of it was . . .

  Brianna’s missing sandwich !!

  I dropped my diary and just STARED in HORROR!!

  No wonder I had gotten so many stares from other students in the hall. But, unfortunately, they hadn’t been ADMIRING my new sweater.

  That’s when I noticed that MacKenzie and practically EVERYONE in the hall were pointing and laughing at me.

  Like I was some kind of . . .

  FREAK!

  Then MacKenzie glared at me and snarled, “Hey, Nikki, would you like some FLIES with that sandwich?! Oops, I mean FRIES!”

  And everyone laughed even harder!

  I could NOT believe this was actually happening to me.

  I just stood there with my mouth dangling wide open.

  It was like I was waiting for a SUPERclever comeback to crawl up my throat and jump right into MacKenzie’s face.

  But I couldn’t think of a single thing to say to her.

  So I just mumbled, “Whatever.”

  OMG! I felt SO humiliated!

  And embarrassed.

  And . . . STUPID!

  Blinking back my tears, I picked up my diary and shoved it into my backpack.

  Then I slammed my locker door shut and took off running down the hall.

  !!

  PAINFUL STAINS!—7:50 a.m.

  AAAAAAAAAHH!!!

  (That was me screaming in frustration! AGAIN !!)

  I’ve just had the WORST. MORNING. EVER!! And right now I’m hiding out in the girls’ bathroom.

  I STILL cannot believe that huge FIASCO with MacKenzie! And with Brianna’s sandwich!

  The only logical explanation is that the sandwich probably got stuck on my coat when I tossed it on the kitchen table this morning.

  And then, when I put on my coat, it somehow attached itself to the front of my sweater. Like some kind of, um . . . SUPERfreaky, sticky, slimy . . . ALIEN . . . CREATURE!!

  I wanted to rush to the nearest emergency room and BEG the doctors for yet another life-saving medical procedure!! . . .

  “DOCTORS, PLEASE HELP ME! CAN YOU SURGICALLY REMOVE THIS SANDWICH?!”

  So Brianna was right. I DID steal her nasty sandwich!

  Accidentally !

  Anyway, I’m in the bathroom, trying desperately to wipe all the stains off my sweater.

  But the situation is hopeless!

  I look just like one of Brianna’s UGLY finger paintings.

  Because now I’m completely covered with:

  1. brown peanut-butter stains

  2. purple jelly stains

  3. white soap suds

  AND

  4. bright fluorescent-green hand soap from the girls’ bathroom.

  ME, STARING IN THE MIRROR AND HAVING A COMPLETE MELTDOWN OVER THE STAINS ON MY SWEATER!

  OMG! It looked like someone had SNARFED down a cafeteria lunch of tuna casserole, green peas, blueberry pie, and chocolate milk.

  And then THREW UP all over my sweater!!

  TWICE !!

  I felt absolutely HORRIBLE!

  Suddenly, big fat tears started to roll down my cheeks.

  But it wasn’t because I was SUPERupset (which I WAS)!

  My eyes were just burning really badly from the putrid stench of pickle juice. Unfortunately, adding water to the mix had made the noxious odor ten times stronger.

  That’s when I started to cry for real!

  My entire school thinks I’m just a huge JOKE!

  My favorite sweater (which I had saved up for TWO whole months to buy!!) was TOTALLY RUINED!!!

  AND I smelled like a HUMAN PICKLE with very bad body odor!!!

  It was ALL Brianna’s fault!! Mostly.

  Actually, I don’t know who makes my life more miserable, MACKENZIE or BRIANNA!

  Thank goodness I had my Sassy Sasha perfume with me. I sprayed on practically half the bottle.

  So NOW I smell like . . . (*SNIFF SNIFF*) . . .

  A PICKLE marinated in Sassy Sasha perfume!!

  JUST GREAT !!

  Sorry, Brianna! But I’m starting to wish you were NEVER born!

  !!

  HIDING OUT IN ENGLISH CLASS—8:05 a.m.

  In English class, I slouched down in my chair and tried to hide behind my textbook. The last thing I needed was the entire class staring at my hideous stained sweater.

  Soon my English teacher came staggering into the class, carrying a massive four-inch-thick book.

  She dropped it onto her desk with a loud THUMP!

  The kids in the front row coughed and fanned the dust cloud it created.

  I couldn’t help but notice that the ancient book smelled like mildew, fish sticks, and sweaty gym socks.

  It smelled as AWFUL as I felt!

  Which was a pretty amazing coincidence, when you think about it.

  “Good morning, class!” My teacher beamed happily. “Instead of discussing the use of symbolism in our Grapes of Wrath novel as originally planned, today we’re going to have some fun! So please put away your books.”

  Everyone happily tossed their Grapes of Wrath books on the floor, including me.

  Our teacher continued.

  “I was cleaning out my attic yesterday and found this awesome treasure!” she exclaimed. “This book of fairy tales belonged to my grandmother and was my favorite book as a child! Fairy tales are an entertaining and fascinating genre in literature.”

  She picked up the big book and blew the dust off the cover.

  Then she proudly held it up for the entire class to see. . . .

  MY TEACHER, SHOWING OFF HER DUSTY OLD BOOK OF FAIRY TALES

  “This book actually inspired me to give YOU a creative writing project today!” she explained.

  The entire class groaned, including me.

  “Come on, people! This is going to be fun, I promise. Now take out your journals.”

  I grabbed my English notebook and tried to find a page that wasn’t already covered with sketches or doodles.

  “I want each of you to rewrite your favorite fairy tale with your own personal twist! It’ll be due tomorrow at the end of class. And to get your creative juices flowing, we’re going to warm up with a few creative writing exercises.

  “A fairy tale is a fict
ional story that is usually based on folkloric characters such as fairies, goblins, elves, trolls, witches, giants, and talking animals. These stories have their roots in oral traditions, and very similar stories are found in many cultures around the world.

  “Every fairy tale has a main character, or protagonist, who is usually a good person. There is often royalty, like a prince, princess, and king and/or queen. Now, for your creative writing exercise, I want you to fill your journals with ideas for your main character for the next ten minutes. . . .”

  Our teacher continued. “Every fairy tale also has an evil character, or antagonist, who tries to harm the good character. This creates the conflict that drives the story. Now fill your page with ideas for your evil character. . . .”

  “And finally, there’s magic or the granting of a wish. Again, please fill your page with ideas. . . .”

  I could have wished that Brianna was never born. But since I’d missed breakfast, I was STARVING! So instead I WISHED I had some FOOD! . . .

  “Now let’s get started! Try to use some of the ideas from your writing exercises. And feel free to come up and take a look at my book of fairy tales!”

  I had to admit, those writing exercises were a lot of fun. I had a ton of great ideas! But I had a really hard time coming up with a story.

  I looked around, and the entire room was buzzing with excitement. It seemed everyone was talking about their ideas for their fairy tales.

  We were supposed to be brainstorming. But, unfortunately, my brain was farting. I was getting nothing but air.

  I’ve always considered myself a very creative and talented writer. Because, come on, I’m totally addicted to writing in my diary!

  But this SUPEReasy, no-rules project was giving me serious anxiety.