As We Speak Read online

  * * *

  PETER

  I once sat in a five-star restaurant in Paris, and watched a waiter working. He moved as if he were on skates, gliding so smoothly, with such balance, that it was a pleasure to watch him. As he put the food down on each table, he said something to the people sitting there. Each diner’s face would light up as the waiter spoke. I watched the other waiters, and no one seemed to be having the same impact on the people they were serving. I caught this waiter’s eye, and he came over to my table at once.

  “May I help you, m’sieur?”

  “I know this sounds like a strange question,” I said, “but I’ve been watching you, and you seem to be having a huge impact on the people in this room. What are you saying to them?”

  He smiled. “As a young man, when I first came to work in a fine restaurant, I was instructed by the headwaiter to say ‘Bon appétit’ after I served each table. Because I was in such a rush, I would usually just put the plates down, repeat, ‘Bon appétit,’ and leave quickly. One day I noticed that there was one second, after I put the plate down, when the diners would look up at me. I found that in that moment, I could look into their eyes, say, ‘Bon appétit,’ and mean it. I could tell them without words, ‘I wish that you have a good meal. I want you to be happy.’ Through this simplest gesture, I could make them feel wonderful. It took only a moment to do this, to put the plate down in front of them as if I had cooked it myself. I went from serving food to serving a sacrament. I am the most fortunate of men, m’sieur. What an honor it is to host a meal, to bring nourishment to people, to offer things that brought them joy and delight!”

  That’s where I learned that with the right intention, you can transform anything into the opportunity to give a gift.

  * * *

  This is good news for you as a speaker. What it means is that you don’t have to be perfect. Your intention to give a gift trumps the necessity to be flawless. Yes, it’s nice to get the words right. But it’s okay to flub a line, or to make a mistake, because it’s the overall experience that will linger in their mind.

  We’ve all sat through the presentation of someone who said the right words and showed the right slides, but still left us feeling cold. Remember the now infamous Tiger Words apology? He had every phrase and camera angle perfect—and ended up infuriating everyone even more. We can feel it when someone is aligned with serving our needs, and we can feel it when they’re out to save their own backside. You can sense the difference.

  Then there’s the other end of the spectrum—we’ve all listened to someone who may have made plenty of mistakes, who was rough or raw or edgy, but who moved us in a way that we never forgot. Perfection is not the answer. You don’t need to become slicker, glossier, or more “sales-y” to have more influence on the people around you. You need to be more authentic.

  Self-consciousness is nothing more than too much concentration on self. It’s an obsessive concern with questions like: “Do I look good?” “Do I sound smart?” “How do I make sure I don’t look like a fool?”

  When we relieve ourselves of the compulsive concern with looking good, and put ourselves in the service of the listener, we start asking different questions. We ask questions like: “How can I make a difference to them?” “What knowledge can I share?” “What insights can I offer?” “How can I reassure them, congratulate them, lighten their workload?” “How can I bring them joy, comfort, curiosity, or excitement?”

  At this moment, the prospect of facing a crowd stops being paralyzing, and becomes a great honor. Once a person is acting on behalf of another, a different quality shows up. This simple change of focus summons our best intelligence, our best energy. It unleashes expressive powers that were always there, but might have otherwise remained dormant. In the moments when we realize we’re living for something larger than ourselves, we become more resourceful. You want more courage when you’re speaking? Speak in the service of something larger than yourself. Courage is easy to summon when you’re driven by a higher purpose. Any of us can reflect back on moments when we have stood up for something, or stood for something, and found that voice, depth, power, energy, or force of will was there when we needed it.

  You engage in hundreds of conversations every week, with people who matter. You might be speaking to one person over the kitchen table, or to five hundred people in an auditorium. Each one of these conversations has the potential to change the course of events in your life, your career, your family, your school, or your organization. It is a bold and audacious act to ask for change.

  It is, in fact, an act of leadership. And in order to achieve your desired result, your communication must be effective. It’s that simple.

  The world is full of brilliant people whose ideas are never heard. This book is designed to make sure that you’re not one of them. It’s about developing your ability to create change through the power of the spoken word. There has never been a greater need for you to step forward and make your own personal contribution. Now more than ever, we’re looking to our parents, teachers, bosses, colleagues, and political leaders for direction, meaning, and trust. If you fall into one of those categories, this book is for you.

  No matter what you actually do, you’re in the relationship business. Your level of influence is determined by the quality of your relationships. And those relationships are defined by the quality of your communication. Good communication is like good manners: it takes the other person’s well-being into account. It’s about being clear, relevant, and succinct—crafting your message in a way that’s easy for the other person to understand, absorb, and remember.

  Once upon a time, information was power. Now that you can get all the data you need in a heartbeat, the information age is over. The Internet ended it, by making information free and equally available to everyone.

  Now we are drowning in data, and starved for meaningful connection.

  Trying to influence someone by simply offering him information doesn’t work. Recent research has revealed the dirty secret of the human brain: decisions are made not on the left side of the brain, which deals with logic, facts, analysis, and sequential process, but on the right side of the brain, which deals with emotions, concepts, metaphors, humor and stories. 1 In other words, we make decisions based not on the facts, but on how we feel. We “go with our gut,” or “have a hunch.” Then we scurry over to the logical side of the brain—the left side—and gather the facts and arguments we need to back up the decision we’ve already made.

  So when you try to influence someone purely by giving him data, you’re speaking to the wrong part of the brain. You’re wasting your time.

  We’ve been doing it backward. Now we know better. Expert communication these days is no longer about downloading data; it’s about creating an emotional experience for the listener. Realistically, you will forget 90 percent of whatever you heard today by the time your head hits the pillow—and so will your listener. As Warren Beatty once said, “They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.”

  Most of us make our first mistake in communication before we ever open our mouths. We assume that the listener cares about what we want to say.

  But they don’t.

  Not because they’re selfish or bad people. It’s just that each person’s favorite subject is himself. And the question the listener is asking, as soon as you begin to speak, is: “What’s in it for me?” Still, most of us will go into a difficult conversation and stubbornly insist on talking about what we want to say.

  There’s not a shred of evidence that this has any positive impact on the other person.

  To truly communicate with another person, you need to think about what they need. Not just telling them what they want to hear—but understanding what the other person needs to feel, know, and experience in order to create a shift in their thinking.

  It’s not about you. It’s all about them.

  A leader’s impact is exponential; not just a few, but hundreds
or thousands of people are affected by every word he speaks. If you’ve ever left a job because of your boss’s communication skills (or lack of them!) you’re not alone; it’s the reason most frequently given for leaving a position. And yet most people don’t wake up and say, “How can I ruin someone’s day with my words today?” The issue is that they wake up and ask, “How can I get across what I want to say?” without thinking about how it’s going to impact the listener. And in the process they often end up leaving people confused, angry, or overwhelmed.

  What does this mean for someone who’s about to stand up and give a speech to a tough crowd? What about the parent who’s about to have a difficult conversation with a teenager? What does it mean for you when you’re about to walk into a situation where emotions are already running high?

  This book is about how all the knowledge in the world comes down to one point of contact. It’s about your ability to create a bond with the listener so that even in a hostile situation, you begin to shift their experience, overcome the hostility, and instill a sense of trust.

  The problem is that the situation itself conspires against us. For hundreds of thousands of years, our amygdalae have thrown us into a relentless scan for danger. We are conditioned to ask the question “How can I get through this without getting hurt?”

  We need to recondition ourselves. To overcome this process requires nothing short of rewiring the brain.

  So, how do you rewire the brain?

  This work begins at the level of mind-set and beliefs. When you’re trying to influence others, the first person you have to influence is yourself. This is the critical part of the process that is neglected in traditional presentation training. Lots of communication coaches will do “trait training,” in which they tell you how to use your hands, inflect your voice, where to stand, how to use slides.

  We say that speaking is an “inside job.” After working with thousands of people across the world, it has become clear to us that generally the problem isn’t outside, it’s inside. Rarely do we come across someone who needs “vocal training.” Your voice is fine. Your hands are fine. For decades, you’ve been using them to communicate effectively with other people. The question is, what are you doing inside your head that makes you behave unnaturally when you’re in the spotlight?

  Sure, this book will offer you detailed insider information on how professionals use their hands, eyes, body, and voice onstage. But more important, we’ll give you the technology to explore and shift your own mind-set and beliefs about speaking, so that you truly begin to experience speaking as an opportunity to give a gift. You will learn to stop worrying about things like “Will they like me?” and look forward to your next presentation as a chance to connect.

  Real communication can only occur when there is a human connection. Without connection, there is no influence, no rapport, no moving the listener from point A to point B. And this connection is not going to be forged during an eye-wateringly boring slide presentation in a darkened room, where someone is repeating text that you’ve already read on their slides. Connection happens when you show up, shed your armor, and let the listener see the light in your eyes. It’s about getting close to the people with whom you’re communicating, in such a way that you are able to meet some of their needs. We call this a bond.

  And this bond can be a powerful and much-needed thing, because we live in frightening times. Many people feel that they are trapped in a downward spiral, in which they have no control over their own fate, and no faith that their leaders can save them. One of the few things you can control is your own ability to communicate clearly. Learning to clarify your outcome, connect with your listener, and make your point in a persuasive, memorable way makes you the master of your own destiny. It’s the best possible investment you can make toward your own security. No matter where the future may take you, superior communication skills will give you the greatest possible advantage.

  These days, trust is the highest currency. The level of trust that you win or lose is directly proportionate to the quality of your communication. We decide very quickly whether or not we trust someone, based not only on the information they give us but on the way they say it. You may have the best data in the world, but if your body language doesn’t match your message, your listener will instinctively distrust what you say.

  Think about it. During an average week, how much of your time is spent in meetings? And how many of those meetings go on far too long, with people jabbering on meaninglessly until you clutch for any form of caffeine or sugar, desperate just to stay awake?

  Well, here’s the bad news: those people are you. We all use far too many words. We have lost the art of brevity. We have forgotten how to convey our message in vivid, visceral language that makes communication pleasurable. We are draining the lifeblood of our organizations, killing millions of brain cells per hour with sheer boredom.

  Look around you the next time you’re in a meeting. What do you see? Are people engaged? Are they contributing? Are they discovering and articulating their ideas with passion? Or are they sitting back and passively attending, waiting for the meeting to be over? For those of us in organizations, it’s critical that we redefine these times when we are gathered together in a room as an opportunity to wake up our sense of purpose, excitement, and meaning.

  People who consistently achieve results in this field have one thing in common: they’ve raised their standards. In the last century, you could afford to show up and do an average job. After fifty years, you might well be given a gold watch and a pat on the back. Today if you do an average job, you will simply be forgotten. Having good information is no longer good enough. Each person to whom you speak has thousands of bids on their attention every day, from advertising, TV, Internet, radio, digital billboards, texts, cold calls, etc. It is only at the level of outstanding that your voice will rise above the din. To break through the chatter, you need a strategy. We call this strategy High Performance Communication.

  Think of it this way: High Performance Communication gets results. Everything else is just talk.

  High Performance Communication is about creating clarity where there’s confusion. It’s about creating relevance when people feel disconnected. And most important, it’s about inspiring people to achieve things they never thought possible.

  As a species, we’ve spent a lot of time improving our machines, and very little improving our communication skills. In fact, communication hasn’t changed much in the two thousand years since the Greeks perfected the art of dialectic in the forum. Over the past fifty years, we’ve actually lost ground in the art of conversation.

  Today we exist in a web of connections, and technology gives us the power to extend that web all over the globe. The challenge is that too often technologies like e-mail, phone conferencing, and video communication can actually distance us from the listener, unless we are skillful enough to use these technologies to enhance the bond. The technology on its own won’t automatically connect you to your listener—just as a musical instrument won’t play itself. You must learn to use the medium so that it projects you through time and space, without dulling and deadening the human component.

  In today’s high-tech environment, the ability to use the spoken word well is becoming increasingly rare. Master it, and you will have an enormous advantage. Nothing will accelerate your career or your ability to create change in the world faster than developing your ability to communicate. And nothing will handicap you more than a failure to do so. Who hasn’t seen the loss of an intimate relationship because of an inability to communicate? Who hasn’t suffered the frustration of being unable to communicate clearly with their boss, kids, or colleagues?

  For organizations, the cost of poor communication is not millions, but billions of dollars left on the table. Poor communication by senior management is the number one employee complaint. 2 Poor communication between medical professionals is the greatest cause of life-threatening medical mistakes. 3 And poor communication in fami
lies produces teenagers who are more likely to engage in risk-taking behaviors. 4 While the quantity of information we receive every day has increased exponentially, the quality of face-to-face communication has hit an all-time low.

  Most of us spend between 75 and 90 percent of our day communicating—and yet we are never trained to do it well. For you, that’s about to change. The good news is that the principles of High Performance Communication are universal. Once you’ve learned them, the very same rules apply whether you are speaking to one teenager or an audience of five thousand.

  GETTING STARTED

  In our work, we’ve discovered an interesting fact: the higher you go in an organization, the shorter your attention span. CEOs don’t have time to waste.

  Neither do you.

  So, we’ve gathered materials from many different sources, and distilled them into a handbook of core principles that works immediately to raise your level of confidence and your ability to influence. We have drawn heavily from the works of: Constantin Stanislavski, the great Russian acting teacher; psychologist Abraham Maslow, for his insights on needs analysis; and motivational speaker Anthony Robbins, for his expertise on state and peak performance. We have also taken much information and inspiration from the fields of sports, psychology, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, and the martial and performing arts.

  We have kept this book intentionally lean and fast-paced, designed to provide you with practices that will make you Monday morning–ready. But there’s a world of wonderful theoretical reading to be done in many fields that connect through the discipline of communication. For more detailed information on our sources, citations, and favorite books, please see the end notes and bibliography at the end. A note about gender references: to avoid awkward “him or herself” constructions, we have scattered male and female pronouns through the text at random. None of these references is intended to convey anything specific about males or females. We’ve also used fictional names in examples throughout.