Emotions Series 01 Silent Emotions Read online

  very hollow to the pilot.

  "I don't know, Captain. What I feel for her is so intense, I

  can't imagine ever finding anyone who could ever take her place."

  "So maybe you should tell her."

  "That's the last thing I want to do. I don't want to come

  between them, they are both my friends and Harry will be a good

  husband and father. He has a lot more to offer her than I ever

  could."

  "I don't believe that for a second, Tom, but I do believe in

  fate. If it is fated for you and B'Elanna to be together then

  you will be. Maybe not now, but in the future. But for now you

  have to look after yourself. I need you at the helm and the ship

  needs you. Will you promise me that you'll take better care of

  yourself?" she asked.

  "I'll try Captain." he said though inside he wasn't sure how he

  could accomplish that, ever since Harry and B'Elanna had

  officially announced their engagement it was as if a fire had been

  extinguished inside him leaving behind only a shell. A shell

  that could easily be cracked.

  Chapter 4

  Tom Paris was released from Sickbay the next day. The Doctor

  warned him to get some sleep and to eat. Paris nodded and left

  for his quarters. He had no intention of going to the Mess Hall.

  He knew that B'Elanna and Harry would be there together. He did

  not want to be reminded of what he could not have.

  Paris entered his quarters, and sat down on his couch. He closed

  his eyes only to feel fresh tears flow down his face. He

  furiously wiped them away, but more came.

  "I should have told you, Lanna," Paris whispered, "Even if you

  didn't believe me or couldn't return my feelings, I should have

  told you that I love you."

  He put his head in his hands and cried. He felt even more alone

  than before. He even managed to nearly put the ship in danger.

  He couldn't do anything right. He should have known that he

  wasn't well enough to fly the ship, but he needed something to

  take his mind off B'Elanna.

  "Kim to Paris."

  "Paris here."

  "I was wondering if you wanted to play some pool?"

  Paris thought for a moment. B'Elanna would obviously be there,

  and he knew he couldn't handle seeing them together.

  "No, Harry. I'm going to get some sleep."

  "It's early, Tom."

  "I'm under orders from Doc to get some sleep," Paris tried to

  joke. It obviously worked, for he heard Kim snicker on the other

  side of the link.

  "All right, Tom, see you tomorrow. Kim out."

  The link was closed, and Paris leaned back in his couch. He

  closed his eyes, and dreamed of B'Elanna.

  * * * * * * *

  Paris woke to hearing his stomach growl. He opened his eyes to a

  dark room. His foggy brain cleared and he realized he had fallen

  asleep on his couch.

  "Computer, time."

  "The time is 0700."

  Paris sighed. He was due on the Bridge in forty minutes. His

  stomach growled again, and he slowly got up. He went over to the

  replicator, and ordered something to eat. His order appeared,

  and he sat down on his couch to eat.

  Forty minutes later, Paris stepped onto the Bridge. He nodded to

  Janeway, who gave him a small smile. He could see the concern in

  her eyes, and he gave her a smile to reassure her that he was

  fine.

  he thought as he sat down in his chair,

 
  passed out in the middle of a battle. I'm surprised she's even

  letting me back at the helm.>

  Chakotay leaned over to Janeway and whispered, "He looks a little

  better today. I hope what you said to him helped."

  Janeway kept her eyes on Paris, "I hope so as well, Chakotay. The

  Doctor says he's suffering from depression."

  Chakotay's eyes widened, "Depression?"

  Janeway nodded and the First Officer pressed, "Do you know what

  caused it?"

  She nodded again, "He told me in confidence. I don't

  think he wants people to know. It's bad enough that I know."

  "I hope he gets over it."

  "So do I," she whispered, but her gut feeling told her that Tom

  wouldn't just get over it.

  * * * * * * *

  The Captain told Tom again to go eat. He obeyed reluctantly,

  heading again to his quarters. Harry called him to see if he

  wanted to eat lunch with him and B'Elanna, but again he declined

  the offer. He also refused to go to Sandrine's with them.

  The next day, during his lunch break, Tom's door chimed.

  "Enter," he said, expecting it to be Harry.

  "Paris, what the hell is wrong with you?!" Came a voice he didn't

  believe he would ever hear again.

  He looked up from his meal in surprise. B'Elanna was

  standing before him, her hands on her hips, and her dark eyes

  flashing. She looked like an angel to him, and he almost told her

  that, but his mouth wouldn't comply.

  "Nothing is wrong," Paris said instead, "I wanted to eat in my

  quarters."

  "Everyday?" Torres was shocked, "Tom, people are becoming

  worried. You don't eat in the Mess Hall, or anywhere else, anymore.

  Harry is even starting to mope. Tell me what's wrong?"

  Paris smiled at the sight of Harry being depressed. He shook his

  head and said, "Tell him I'm fine. He can stop moping."

  Torres knew he was stalling. She snarled her question again,

  "Paris, what is wrong?"

  Paris glared at her, "Why do you care? You never gave a damn

  before!"

  Torres was shocked. Her hands dropped to her sides and her mouth

  hung open, "You're my friend, Tom, in case you forgot! I'm

  concerned about you. I want to know what's wrong."

  Paris nearly told her how he felt then, but his mouth took over

  again, "Nothing is wrong, B'Elanna. I....just want to be alone."

  He whispered his sentence, knowing it was a lie. He half hoped

  that Torres would pressure him some more. He wanted so bad to

  tell her the truth.

  "Tom, that is not at all like you," Torres said, feeling her

  temper rising, "Why are you staying away from everyone? Please

  tell me!"

  Paris stood up and went over to her. He wanted to take her in his

  arms and kiss her. He stared into her dark eyes. He saw a fire in

  them, a fire he hadn't seen in quite awhile.

  B'Elanna saw the pain in his blue eyes. She wanted to comfort

  him, but she knew she couldn't do that unless he told her what was

  wrong. She reached out with her right hand and touched his cheek.

  She saw his eyes close as she felt a spark flow through her body.

  She took her hand away, and he opened his eyes to stare at her.

  She stared back at him, concerned and confused.

  "I'm fine, Lanna," he whispered, straining to keep himself from

  doing what he wanted to do, "I'll see Harry later. I don't want

  him to worry about me."

  Torres glared at him. What was wrong with him? Why didn't he want

  to tell her? Did he not trust her?

  "Fine, Tom Paris," she snapped, "If that's what you want."

  Sh
e then stormed out of his quarters. Paris stared after her in

  shock.

  "That's not what I want," his mouth finally said, "I want you."

  Tom sank to the floor more distraught than before.

  * * * * * * *

  B'Elanna stalked towards Engineering, the little argument

  playing in her head. She had never been so stimulated before in

  her life. Not since she punched Carey in the nose or argued

  about it with Chakotay afterwards. She felt so alive and all she

  did was yell at Paris.

  she thought

  as she entered Engineering,
  So stimulated by arguing with Tom Paris? Why do I feel like

  going back and throwing something at him?>

  These questions continued to ponder her mind as she went over to

  a console and started a diagnostic scan. She barely read the

  results as the argument replayed itself in her mind.

  she thought,
  don't know why?>

  As she took a PADD from Ensign Vorick, something caught her

  attention. A peculiar scent, a woodsy smell. She sniffed the air,

  but all she smelled was plasma coolant. That wasn't it. She

  shrugged and looked at the PADD. She brought it close to her, so

  she could read it in the dim light. The scent was stronger this

  time. She looked at her hands, strangely.

  she asked herself.

  She smelled her right one, and instantly felt stimulated again.

  She felt an intense arousal that she never felt before. She

  inhaled deeply several times but she couldn't get enough.

  Ultimately, she finally resorted to licking her fingers and her

  hand in an effort to absorb as much of the aroma as was possible.

  she thought
  I've needed so badly as this. If only I could identify the

  scent>

  When she felt a presence beside her, she looked up to see Vorik.

  He was staring at her with one eyebrow raised. B'Elanna stared

  back then snarled at him. He raised both eyebrows then went to find

  something to do.

  Chapter 5

  "Ah, B'Elanna I was wondering where you had gone. When I got up

  this morning you weren't there," Harry commented as he placed a

  light kiss on B'Elanna's cheek and sat down to join her in the

  mess hall to have his breakfast.

  "Yeah, I was restless and you looked so peaceful I didn't want to

  disturb you," she explained and she took a sip of her coffee.

  "You're too good for me, B'Elanna," Harry said as he dug into to

  the tri-colored mound of food on his plate. As he was about to

  place a forkful of food into his mouth he paused noticing the

  pensive look on his bride-to-be's face. "What's the matter? You

  look like you've lost your best friend."

  "Maybe I did, I don't know. Have you seen Tom lately?"

  Harry nodded his head understanding what had made her look so

  thoughtful. "Yeah he looks like hell. Any idea why?"

  "Nope, I tried to speak with him but he wouldn't tell me, just

  told me that everything was fine."

  Harry shook his head. "Well we both know that that's not the

  case.

  "I was hoping that he'd come around on his own, but it's been

  almost a month and a half and if anything he's looking worse."

  "Do you think that he's homesick?" Harry asked thinking of how

  much he missed his own folks.

  "Tom? I hardly think so. He's always said he and his father

  never got along and he never talks about home. It's got to be

  something else," she said as she noticed time on the wall. "Oh

  damn, Harry I'm running late. I'll see you at lunch?"

  "Sure, B'Elanna, lunch," Harry said.

  Kim stared at his tray, trying to figure out what was wrong with

  Paris. What was worse was that Tom wouldn't talk to him. In fact,

  he wasn't talking to anyone. He was keeping to himself and not

  bothering to socialize anymore.

  "If only he would talk to me," Kim said in frustration.

  "Mind if I join you?" A voice interrupted his thoughts.

  Kim looked up and saw Ensign Lerise standing before him. He

  smiled at her, and offered the chair across from him. Lerise

  smiled and sat down. Kim went back to staring at his tray. He

  pushed some gray glop around then dropped his fork in defeat.

  "He's getting worse, isn't he?" Lerise asked softly.

  Kim nodded, "He stopped going to Sandrine's, and he's eating

  alone in his quarters. I don't know what's wrong with him. He

  won't talk to anyone!"

  Lerise pushed some food around on her tray. She could sense the

  frustration in his voice and feel it flowing from him.

  "I'm trying to figure out what's wrong," Kim announced looking at

  her, "I couldn't come up with any real reason. I wish Tom would

  talk to me!" He pounded the table top in anger.

  Lerise just looked at him as she softly spoke, "He's hurting,

  Harry. Tom feels as if he lost the most important thing in his

  life. He's afraid he will never get it back."

  Kim stared at the Betazoid in shock. He didn't know what to say.

  After a few moments, he found his voice, "Do you think he'll

  get better?"

  Lerise looked at him. She could feel the concern wash from him.

  She tried a reassuring smile, but she was also concerned for

  Paris.

  "Maybe," she whispered, "If whatever he lost comes back to him."

  Kim nodded. Now all he had to do was figure out what Paris lost.

  He hoped he found it before they lost Paris.

  "I have to go to the Bridge, Alera," Kim said, getting up, "I

  hope we can find out what he lost. I can't stand to see Tom like

  this."

  "Neither can I," Lerise whispered as she watched Kim leave the

  Mess Hall.

  Deep down, Lerise knew what Paris thought he had lost. She just

  hoped that Paris found it before it was too late, because the

  emotions that she felt from him were effecting her as well.

  * * * * * * *

  It was almost morning, as he sat dressed in only his bathrobe on

  his unmade bed with his back to the wall. Taking the last swig

  of a near-empty replicated bottle of whisky, the pilot was well

  on his way to being good and drunk. After he drained the last

  drop in the bottle, he threw it to the floor, wiped his mouth

  with the sleeve of the robe, and dragged himself off the bed and

  over to the replicator to get another.

  "One more bottle of the usual," he slurred placing his order as

  he braced himself against the wall to prevent himself from

  falling over.

  "That order does not compute."

  "Just give me what I had last time!" he roared.

  Picking up a new bottle and opening it, he paused by the

  viewscreen and noticed his reflection in the window.

  "Here's to you, Tommy Boy," he toasted the bedraggled image

  raising the full bottle towards his reflection. "What no

  response ol' man? Aren't you going to ask me if I've eaten or

  slept?" he laughed dryly. "Aren't you going to ask what the

  matter is? No? Well go to hell! Go straight to hell it's whe
re

  you belong!" he roared taking another swig. "It's were I belong

  . . ." he said, but this time quieter, as if questioning where he

  really did belong. "Got to get out of here, I've got to go back,"

  he mumbled tightening the cap back on the bottle, placing it in

  the pocket of his robe, before he stumbled out of his cabin.

  Paris entered the holodeck and stood in the middle of the room.

  He looked around glumly then spoke to the computer.

  "Computer, run Paris Summer Home."

  The yellow and black grid was replaced by a small room. It was

  decorated with old car and plane models as well as holopics of

  his family. The single bed was placed under the window that

  looked out over a lush green forest. In the distance was a

  mountain range.

  Paris sat down in the middle of his bed. He was far away and a

  years before as he thought about B'Elanna Torres. He

  unconsciously played with the belt of his blue robe.

  A single tear slid down his cheek as all the past weeks' of

  frustration and pain caught up with him. He again wished he had