Emotions Series 01 Silent Emotions Read online
Page 4
told Torres the truth.
"I love you, B'Elanna," he whispered softy to the empty room.
Paris thought back to all the times he could have told her, but
something had always happened to prevent him. Now it was too
late. He had lost her.
The tears flowed freely as he twisted the belt around his
fingers. There was nothing he could do now. He didn't even
think he would be permitted to sit at the helm much longer
either. He could always feel the concerned looks Janeway was
giving him. Before long the strain of all this would take its
toil on him and it would affect his piloting. The last thing he
wanted was to cause the deaths of anyone on this ship.
His thoughts again went back to Torres. How he wished he could
show her how he felt. To show her the program he made for her
when he thought he had the courage to tell her.
Paris' vision had blurred as the tears came even faster.
body shook with the sobs,
because I didn't have the courage to tell her!>
Angry at himself, Paris pulled the belt taught. He felt the
fabric of the belt as the grasped it in his hands, and he looked
down. Through his blurred vision he saw an end to his torment.
* * * * * * *
Chakotay walked through the corridor on Deck Two. He was heading
for Tom Paris' quarters. He knew the young pilot had been eating
alone, and knew that Paris would not be in Sandrine's.
He also knew that Paris wouldn't be asleep either; it was too
early. He was aware that Paris wasn't sleeping much lately, yet
it didn't effect his piloting. Still, it was cause to be
concerned.
Chakotay, though was more concerned about Captain Janeway. She
would constantly stare at the Chief Pilot as he flew the ship
expertly. He could see the concern and worry in her eyes.
Chakotay had asked her twice about what Paris had told her that
made her so concerned about him. Janeway always looked about to
tell him, but said instead that what Paris told her was in
confidence.
left the Bridge earlier.
Chakotay came to the door to Paris' quarters. He pressed the
button, but received no answer. He pressed it again and still
didn't receive a response.
"Paris, I know you're in there!" Chakotay shouted, "Open the
door!"
Still no response.
"Lt. Paris is on Holodeck Two," the computer stated.
"Well, at least he's out and about," Chakotay said as he headed
for a turbolift.
A few minutes later, Chakotay walked down the corridor to
Holodeck Two. He was glad to find that the privacy lock wasn't
engaged. He entered the holodeck and stopped short.
Before him was the most shocking sight he had ever seen. Tom
Paris, their Chief Pilot, had a blue noose around his neck, and
he was standing on a chair. Chakotay took a step forward, and was
about to say something when Paris saw him and gave him a sad
smile just before he kicked the chair out from under himself.
"TOM!" Chakotay shouted acting quickly to grab the pilot by the
legs before the noose could break his neck.
Holding on to the pilot with one arm, Chakotay slapped his
commbadge with his free hand, "Chakotay to Sickbay! Medical
Emergency! Two to beam in!"
The First Officer felt the familiar sensation of the transporter
as he and Paris were beamed away.
* * * * * * *
"He what?" Janeway asked her voice level dropped to the level of
a whisper.
"You heard me Kathryn," Chakotay replied through her commbadge.
"He tried to hang himself in the holodeck. If I hadn't come
looking for him when I did he would have died."
"I'll be right there."
A grim-faced Captain Kathryn Janeway entered Sickbay a short
while later and saw upon entry that the Doctor was still working
on his patient while her First Officer sat observing off to the
side. Seeing the Captain, Chakotay rose from his seat and joined
her.
"I still can't get over it," she said. "He tried to hang
himself?"
"I know, I keep on thanking my Spirit Guides that I chose this
moment to come talk to him and that I found him in time. From
all indications, it wasn't a planned suicide."
"How can you tell?" she asked as the EMH joined the pair.
"Well he'd obviously been drinking and that combined with
depression can cause a person to do things they wouldn't
ordinarily do. He also used the belt of his robe as the noose.
If he had planned it, he would have taken the time to replicate a
rope or other type of device rather than the belt which would not
have been easy to tie a noose in and wouldn't be that strong. In
addition to that, he never left a suicide note."
"So when did you become my Chief of Security?" she asked the
dark-haired man her face reflecting a slight sad smile.
"Sorry, it's just that we had a few of instances of attempted
suicides and a couple actual suicides in the Maquis and I was
involved with sorting it out afterwards," he explained.
"I didn't know. So what do you recommend we do now?" she asked
both men.
"Well he can't very well spend all his time in Sickbay having the
Doctor keep an eye on him, besides he hates this place. It would
just intensify his anxiety," Chakotay said.
"That's true," the Doctor concurred. "I've done all I can for
him here, the rest is up to him. He has to decide that his life
is worth living. I would suggest that he be allowed to go back
to his quarters but that someone stay with him until he can sort
out his feelings and can learn to deal with them."
"I agree I don't want him to be alone and I don't want him to try
this again. At times like this, I curse Starfleet for not
assigning a ship's counselor to Voyager," she responded looking
at the young lieutenant on the biobed and then back to her First
Officer. "Unless it is absolutely necessary, I don't want
anybody other than a select few to know what happened. I'll
speak with Harry and see if he'll stay with him."
"That's fine but he's going to need some help, he has his own
duties to perform. I think we should ask B'Elanna if she'll
assist him, after all she and Harry will keep it quiet and she
helped me out with a similar situation once," Chakotay told her.
"Fine then they can both help him out, maybe he'll respond better
if B'Elanna is there as well," she said but thought about what
the pilot had told her in confidence a few weeks ago. Maybe, she
mused, with B'Elanna nearby he'll have the opportunity to open up
to her and tell her how he feels and learn how to deal with it
even if his feelings aren't reciprocated.
Chapter 6
Tom Paris entered his quarters and immediately went to his couch.
He sat down and put his head
in his hands. The look of the
shocked expressions on the Captain's, Commander's, and Doctor's
faces came back to him. He heard himself sob, but he refused to
cry. Luckily, they didn't ask him anything about what he had
tried to do. As far as he knew, he was drunk and depressed. He
really didn't remember much, except the pain of losing B'Elanna.
the worst of me now! I screwed everything up now! She'll...>
Paris was jerked out of his misery but the door chime. It took
the second chime for him to realize that someone wanted to see
him.
he thought as he asked for the person to
enter.
The door slid open, and he was surprised and pained to see Harry
and B'Elanna enter his quarters. He stared at them, the anguish
rising in him. He closed his eyes, hoping the two weren't really
there. A small part of him, though was glad they were.
Harry went over immediately to his friend and placed a
comforting hand on his shoulder. "Tom, we understand that you're
not feeling well," Harry explained as he motioned to B'Elanna who
paced just inside the door with her arms folded across her chest.
She was obviously agitated and in fact appeared to be on the
verge of either saying something or about to cry, but every time
she paused in her pacing and opened her mouth she immediately
shut it and started to pace again like a tiger caught in a cage.
"Really, I'll be okay. You don't have to stay. In fact it
doesn't even look like she wants to be here," he commented
nodding towards B'Elanna.
Harry left Tom's side and went over to his fiancee and placed an
arm around her shoulder which she brushed aside. "She's just
worried about you. Isn't that true B'Elanna?"
B'Elanna growled. "Tom Paris, what the hell were you
thinking?! What came over you to try and take your own life?!"
Paris stared at her. She was both angry and frightened by what he
had done, he could see it. He looked at Kim, who was scared and
concerned.
"Nothing, Torres," Paris said, looking back at her, "I lost my
mind. Care to tell me why you're here?"
Torres fought down a snarl. Obviously, Paris had lost his mind.
She was frightened by the lack of concern in his voice.
"The Captain and Chakotay are extremely concerned by what you
tried to do two days ago. They told us to watch you. They think
you might try it again."
Torres' voice grew softer as she spoke. She looked at him as she
answered him. He had avoided her gaze and this concerned her. She
went over to him, and sat down beside him. She placed her hand
over his right hand and squeezed it. She was shocked by the pain in
his blue eyes as her stared at her.
"I'm sorry I snapped at you. Please, Tom," Torres begged,
"tell us what's wrong."
Paris stared into her dark eyes. He truly wanted to tell her, but
he didn't want to disrupt his friends' happiness. He looked away
and shook his head.
Torres looked at Kim, who just shrugged. He was as confused as
she was. She looked at Paris, who stared at his hands.
"Damn it, Paris!" Torres shouted, shocking both Paris and Kim,
"Why won't you talk to us!?"
Paris stood up and headed for his bedroom. Before he entered it,
he spun around and said, "Stop worrying about me. I'm not worth
worrying over!"
With that, he entered his bedroom and closed the door.
Torres growled in frustration as she stared at the closed door.
Kim stared at the door then back at Torres. He heard her growl,
and he slowly backed away from her.
"B'Elanna," he said slowly, "calm down. Yelling at him is not the
way to handle it. I'm sure that Tom will tell us in his own
time. He's in shock and he's hurting. Why, I don't know."
Torres glared at him, causing him to back further away, into the
wall.
"It's been over a month, Harry!" she snarled, "It is more than
enough time for him to tell us!"
"He might need more time," Kim tried to reason, he hadn't seen
this side of her in quite a while. "Be patient."
Torres felt like hitting him, but she restrained herself. She
growled her next words, "I'm losing patience, Harry. He will
only get worse it he doesn't let us help him! I'm scared that he
will succeed next time!"
Before Kim could voice his agreement, the doors to the bedroom
slid open. Paris walked into the room. He stared at both them
calmly.
"Keep it down," he said softly, "I'm trying to sleep."
He was almost about to turn around when Torres' voice stopped
him. He looked at her, the dark eyes pleading with him. He shook
his head then said, "I'll see you tomorrow."
Paris went back into his bedroom, the door sliding shut behind
him.
Torres felt a tear slowly slide down her cheek. She viciously
brushed it away with her right hand. The scent reached her nose
and she stopped. She closed her eyes as she breathed it in. It
was a wonderful and intoxicating scent. She slowly sat down as
she smelled the scent from her hand.
These questions pondered her throughout the night.
* * * * * * *
The next day, Torres was the first to awaken. She was asleep on
the couch, Kim nestled behind her. She was glad that he didn't
have his arms around her, so she could get up without waking him.
She looked up to see the closed door to Paris' bedroom. More
determined to find out what was wrong with him, she quietly got
to her feet, and padded toward the door. She was relieved and
surprised that the door wasn't locked.
The door slid open to reveal Paris asleep in his bed. Torres went
over to the bed to see Paris sleeping quietly. She knelt by him,
and stared at his sleeping face. She touched his cheek and felt
another shock jolt through her. She jerked back and stared at her
left hand, surprised. She then unconsciously brought her hand to
her face. She smelled the strange scent that had plagued her for
days. She smelled her other hand to find the same scent there.
Curiously and cautiously, Torres bent forward and smelled Paris.
She felt a tingle ripple through her as arousal flowed over her.
She quickly shook her head, her dark tresses brushing against
Paris' face. She backed away when she felt him stir. She looked
at him and saw the confusion on his face. Then recognition
dawned on him.
"'Lanna," he whispered, "what are you doing here?"
Torres smiled slightly, "I came in to check on you."
Paris returned her smile then touched her face, "I'm sorry I
scared you, B'Elanna. The truth is I was drunk, and didn't know
what I was doing."
Torres stroked his blonde hair, "Why were you trying to get
drunk, Tom?"
Paris turned over on his back, and stared at the ceiling. He
closed his eyes
and sighed, "I didn't feel well, B'Elanna. I
passed out on the Bridge during a battle. I was embarrassed and
thought I let the Captain down again."
Torres continued to stroke his hair. "You didn't let Janeway
down, Tom. You were tired. We all knew you weren't feeling well
lately. Sometimes you can be so stubborn."
Paris smiled. At least they didn't think less of him because he
passed out.
"That's not all, though is it?" Torres asked, taking advantage of
his mood to open up, "I want to help you, Tom, but you must talk
to me."
Paris looked at her, his blue eyes searching. All he found there
was concern and fear for him, he knew. Before he could say
anything, though Kim entered his room.
"There you are, B'Elanna," Kim's voice made them jump, "Anyone
hungry?"
Torres looked back at Paris, who shrugged. Torres nodded her
agreement and Kim went to get them something to eat.
"You have him trained well," Paris tried to joke, but Torres
detected a hint of pain in his voice.
She looked at him and saw the pain in his eyes before he covered
it up. Someday she vowed, she was going to get him to open up to
her.
During, breakfast, Paris ignored both Torres and Kim. He stared