Emotions Series 01 Silent Emotions Read online

Harry, I'm sorry. It's really none of my business, I spoke

  without thinking. I didn't get much sleep last night. Please

  accept my apologies."

  Harry face broke into a slight forgiving grin. "That's okay Tom,

  I know you mean well and want both of us to be happy. It would

  be a lot easier to if Mom was here, she'd be able to help

  B'Elanna--show her how it's done."

  Hearing the last statement Tom had to fight not to roll his eyes

  in front of his friend. That'd be just what B'Elanna would need

  the future mother-in-law putting her two cents in.

  "What are you two talking about?" B'Elanna asked as she joined

  the pair carrying her own breakfast in her tray.

  "Umm, just the party, B'Elanna," Tom explained as he rose from

  his seat. "Look take my seat. I'm going to be late if I don't

  get going." he explained as he took his uneaten breakfast with

  him, threw in the disposal, and left the mess hall alone to go to

  the bridge.

  * * * * * * *

  Chakotay eyes widened with surprise when he saw Paris enter the

  bridge fifteen minutes before the shift change. Generally, the

  pilot would slip into seat mere seconds before it was necessary.

  Tardiness was one thing, along with Tom Paris himself, that

  really irked Chakotay, and the combination of tardiness AND Tom

  Paris was even worse. He had never been able to understand Tom's

  penchant for lateness. As much as the Lieutenant loved to

  fly, he would have thought Tom would have been champing at the

  bit to be at the controls as much as possible. But then again,

  Tom always knew how to pull his chain, so if he could get a rise

  out of the former Maquis captain all the better, Chakotay

  figured. So this sudden change of action intrigued him.

  As the Commander was still contemplating the early arrival of the

  pilot, the Captain entered the bridge from her ready room her

  hand gripping a steaming mug of coffee.

  "Another typical day in the Delta Quadrant, Commander?" she asked

  as she took a careful sip of the brew.

  "Well it depends what you're talking about Captain, the big

  Indian said, his voice lowered to a whisper so only she could

  hear. "Mr. Paris reported fifteen minutes early for his shift."

  Janeway's eyes widened over the top of the coffee mug before she

  swallowed and lowered it to speak. "That's interesting."

  "Do you have any idea why?" her first officer asked.

  "Nope, but if it gets to be a habit I'll look into it," she said

  as Chakotay shook his head. "What's the matter now?"

  "It's me. I'm worried about Paris when he finally reports early

  just like I'm been after him to do ever since our journey began.

  Maybe something is wrong with me?"

  Janeway just smiled and sipped her coffee.

  * * * * * *

  Two weeks later, Chakotay and the Captain were even more puzzled

  by Tom's behavior. Not only was he still reporting to work early

  but he had a habit of staying late and even volunteering for

  double shifts.

  The two senior officers both entered the bridge just before shift

  change from the ready room and noticed that as had been the norm

  during the last couple of weeks, Lt. Paris was already at his

  post. The Captain turned to whisper in her First Officer's ear.

  "Is it me, or does Tom look a little rough around the edges..like

  he hasn't had enough sleep?"

  "You know Kathryn, now that you mention it, he does. And that

  uniform looks a size or two too big for him, it appears that he

  is losing weight."

  "I think I had better have a talk with him before he becomes ill.

  I don't know why I hadn't noticed it earlier."

  "Good idea."

  Janeway approached the helm from behind and laid her hand, as

  was her custom, on the pilot's right shoulder. She had to

  concentrate on her task at hand not to flinch as her hand

  encountered not the usual muscles beneath the fabric, but bone

  and flesh.

  "Mr. Paris . . . ." she began but the words were cut short when

  the ship was hit with an explosion and the deck tilted beneath

  her feet sending her and the pilot tumbling to the floor.

  "Report!" she bellowed as she struggled to regain her position

  with Paris' help.

  "A ship has just dropped out of warp off our starboard bow,"

  Tuvok stated.

  Tom Paris stumbled toward the helm as another blast rocked the

  ship. He finally pulled himself into the chair.

  "They're not answering our hails, Captain," Ensign Kim stated.

  "Keep hailing them!" Janeway shouted as another blast hit the

  ship.

  "No answer!"

  "Fire phasers!" Janeway shouted to Tuvok.

  "Firing phasers."

  Paris stared at the viewscreen as he tried to maneuver Voyager

  away from the blasts. He was running on instinct now as his

  fingers flew across the controls. He barely heard the shouting

  voices behind him. He was concentrating on saving the ship. He

  had to save B'Elanna and the others even if they no longer

  trusted him.

  He was jerked to the side as the ship was hit again. He was

  beginning to panic as he moved Voyager through space, avoiding

  most of the fire.

  "Our shields are down to sixty percent and holding," Tuvok

  reported,

  "Their shields are at forty percent."

  "Keep firing, Tuvok. Harry?"

  "They're still not answering our hailing, Captain. I'm also

  picking up another ship off our port."

  "Paris, evasive maneuvers!" Chakotay shouted.

  Tom said nothing, but he maneuvered the ship between the phaser

  fire of the enemy ships. He barely noticed the sweat rolling down

  his face and into his eyes. He flipped Voyager on its side as he

  passed between the two craft. Phaser fire connected with one of

  the ships, damaging it even more. Paris then righted the ship

  only to have it hit. He jerked forward, but continued to maneuver

  the ship.

  "Our shields are at fifty-five percent, Captain," Tuvok announced

  calmly, "The first ship's shields are at thirty percent and

  falling."

  "Keep firing, Tuvok. Paris, get us out of here, Now!"

  Paris blinked back the sweat as his fingers flew across the

  console. He shook his head, trying to concentrate on getting the

  ship to safety. He felt the ship tilt as it avoided another

  blast. He jerked to the side as the one of the enemy ships hit

  Voyager.

  "Paris, what are you doing!?" He barely heard Chakotay shout at

  him.

  Paris shook his head again and blinked his eyes. He was feeling

  light-headed for some reason. He looked at the viewscreen only to

  find it blurry. He blinked his eyes to try to focus, but it only

  became worse. He felt the ship being hit. He jerked forward, and

  he heard ringing in his ears. He looked at his console to find he

  couldn't read it. He mentally screamed as panic set in. He then

  felt himself fall into darkness.

  Chapter 3

  "How is he Doctor?" the Captain asked as she approached the

  biobed where Lt. Paris was lying unconscious.


  "He could be better Captain. Perhaps you'd like to come into my

  office where we can sit down and discuss the situation," the EMH

  offered. "I wouldn't want anyone to come in the Sickbay and

  interrupt us."

  Janeway took the offered seat on the other side of the desk and

  the Doctor sat down in his own.

  "So what's this all about. Is he ill?" Janeway inquired

  obviously concerned.

  "No, it's not an illness . From what tests I've run, it appears

  that Mr. Paris is suffering from significant weight loss and

  lack of proper sleep."

  By the look on the Captain's face, the EMH could see that she was

  worried. "Have you been able to determine the reason for his

  condition?"

  "While I can't be one hundred percent certain, I would have to

  say that all his symptoms point to depression."

  "Depression?" Janeway whispered the word as if it were too

  unlikely to be true and pivoted around in her chair so that she

  could see the pilot as he lay on the bed beyond the office before

  she turned her attention once again to the Doctor. "Depression?

  But he's always so jovial and friendly, always quick with a

  joke."

  "Has that been true lately, Captain?," the EMH countered. "Say

  for the last three weeks or so?"

  "Well . . ." she paused, "you know, come to think about it, it

  has been rather quiet on the Bridge lately and his behavior has

  been unusual." Try as she might, she could not recall the last

  time Tom had cracked a joke or even a smile and she chastised

  herself for not noticing it before. "You say THREE weeks?"

  "That's my best guess, but taking into account the amount of

  weight he has loss and other physiological conditions I'd say

  that is pretty accurate. Why?"

  "Nothing Doctor. Nothing I can say right now. First I'd like to

  speak with Mr. Paris. Will you inform me when he awakens?" she

  asked as she stood up to leave.

  "Of course, Captain," the Doctor replied as he stood as well, out

  of respect for the senior officer. "But it might be a while,

  I've given him something to facilitate his sleep process along

  with an intravenous feeding. I anticipate that he won't awaken

  until sometime tomorrow morning."

  "Very good. Just call me after he wakes."

  * * * * * *

  Kathryn Janeway woke the next morning after a fretful night of

  trying to sleep. Thoughts of the condition of her chief pilot

  had occupied her mind most of the night. She also wondered what

  she was going to say to him the next day.

  "Emergency Medical Hologram to the Captain."

  "Captain here, go ahead Doctor," she replied while still lying in

  bed.

  "Mr. Paris has awakened. I can have him ready to see you in say

  one hour?"

  "That'd be find Doctor, I'll be there. Captain out."

  * * * * * *

  When the Captain entered Sickbay she could see a still pale Tom

  Paris sitting up in bed toying with the food that had been placed

  in front of him.

  "Tom, you have to eat." Kes pleaded with him as she stood by the

  bed her arms folded across her chest. It was amazing how

  formidable the Ocampan could look when she stood like that.

  "I'm just not hungry, Kes. Look I did eat some."

  "Only about a third -- not enough to keep a bird alive let alone

  Voyager's chief pilot," she fretted.

  Tom then saw a flicker of movement and noticed that his expected

  visitor had arrived. "Look, Kes, I've got company why don't you

  set it aside and I'll try a little later. Okay?" he asked.

  Kes looked at him and then the Captain who was now standing

  beside her. "Okay Tom, I'll save it for you, but when you see it

  again you're going to eat every bite," the little blonde warned.

  "Aye, aye, ma'am," Tom replied throwing in a little grin and mock

  salute but the grin faded quickly when he noticed the determined

  look on the Captain's face.

  "Kes, if we could have some privacy."

  "Of course, Captain. If you need anything I'll be in the

  Doctor's office.

  Janeway pulled up a chair and sat down beside the bed. "Tom,

  I've never been one to beat around the bush. I'm worried about

  you. Please tell me what's been going on?"

  "I'm fine Cap . . ."

  "Come on Tom, don't lie to me," she warned but with a

  soothing voice. "Even Naomi Wildman could see that you weren't

  fine and she's just a toddler!"

  Tom drew in a deep breath. "Permission to speak off the record

  Captain," Tom asked as he looked past her unable to meet her

  gaze.

  "Permission granted," she said as she walk over closer to him and

  placed her hand on his shoulder.

  "This is really none of your business, Captain. I'll be fine, I

  just need some time to sort things out."

  "This IS my business, Mister, especially when your condition may

  harm Voyager and the crew."

  Paris' eyes snapped up to meet hers, and he saw her familiar

  determined, no-nonsense stare that brought alien adversaries to

  their knees, but this time it was tempered with sympathy, and he

  swallowed hard.

  "I'm sorry Captain."

  "I'm sorry too Tom," she said softly as she brushed an errant

  strand of hair away from his forehead. "I should have noticed

  your condition sooner. Do you want to talk about it?" she said

  as she sat down on the chair beside the bed, though her hand

  never left his shoulder. It helped her to stay in contact with

  the young pilot.

  "It won't do any good. It can't be changed. I just have to

  learn to live with it," he tried to explain.

  "Live with what?"

  Her question was met with silence.

  "Tom, do you want to hear my explanation?"

  Still more silence.

  "I think since you knew that Harry and B'Elanna have been engaged

  you're feeling like a third wheel -- left out."

  "You don't know sh. . ." he mumbled, barely audibly, he was so

  tired he hardly cared if she heard him or not but apparently her

  hearing was much better than he had anticipated.

  "Then please tell me Tom!" she pleaded as she leaned further

  forward in her seat towards the patient. "Please tell me what's

  going on, I want to help!"

  "You can't help, she's . . . " he started to say before he

  clamped his mouth and eyes shut trying to hold back the tears

  that where threatening to spill.

  "What Tom? Tell me," the Captain requested knowing that unless

  she pushed the matter Tom would never tell.

  "I've lost her Captain," he choked.

  "Lost who? B'Elanna? Just because she's going to be married to

  Harry doesn't mean you can't still be friends."

  "I wanted to be . . . I love . . ." he tried to explain as the

  tears final broke through and trickled down his cheeks.

  The Captain gasped slightly. "You love B'Elanna? Is that what

  this is all about?" she asked as she reached for his hand and

  gripped it with her own trying to suppress her support.

  "I've loved her for a long time ever since we were held by the

  Vidiians an
d she was split in two. Since I knew that she was

  going to marry Harry, I feel like I'm lost and alone. She's the

  only woman I've ever truly loved."

  "I had no idea you felt this strongly about her--that you loved

  her like that. So then why didn't you tell her?"

  "I tried several times, I even developed a beautiful little

  holodeck program complete with a lush green forest and a blue

  pool with a waterfall so that I could tell her properly, but I

  just couldn't. All I could think of was how could she possibly

  love me, Captain?"

  "What do you mean, how could she love you?" she asked not

  completely understanding what he was trying to say. Did he

  actually believe that no one could love him?

  "It's the honor thing, ma'am. Klingons value honor above all

  else. You can't actually say that I've been honorable most of my

  life . . . "

  "I wouldn't call you dishonorable though and besides you have

  changed a great deal in the last couple of years. It'll take

  time Tom, but you'll get over this." Even as she spoke the last couple of

  sentences, the Captain could tell that they must have sounded