London Bridge Read online

  Sosthène was raring to go… He went to wash up… another trip downstairs to the kitchen… This time he came back with an iron… He started pressing his dressing gown on the large dinner table… fussing over the pleats… at last he finds a flunkey… just passing through on his rounds…

  “I’d like to see your colonel again, Mr O’Collogham! And make it snappy!… I’d like to have a word with him!…”

  I had to act as translator. Nobody showed up.

  We ran over to see whether any applicants were still waiting outside… They hadn’t even gone home to bed! Or else they’d come back at the crack of dawn… Either way, they were pale as ghosts… we could see them a long way off, their sorry figures, heads still plastered with the Times… the rain hadn’t let up… the footman was motioning to them that they were just wasting their time… They didn’t give a damn, they weren’t budging… We were motioning to them too… telling them to clear the hell out! They didn’t understand… Meanwhile the Colonel is announced… He’s on his way down to breakfast… In a bubbly mood… happy…

  “Shake hands! Shake hands!”

  In a leaf-print dressing gown… well rested… he’s in excellent spirits…

  “Boys!… Boys!…” He claps his arms around us… cordial as could be… whisks us away… Ah! This can’t wait!… We chug along… wind up back in the garden… between two groves… a small hidden shed, camouflaged with ivy… plus grass, weeds, rubbish and twigs scattered all over the roof…

  “Shh! Shh!” he goes… starts clearing his throat, but breaks into a coughing fit… he pops in a big sweet, a lollipop… doesn’t do any good, he keeps sucking, sucking…

  “Good sleep?” he asks…

  At last he’s done hacking, we step inside the shed. He shuts the door carefully…

  “Do you know the gas?” Another question.

  “Oh! Yes! Yes!…”

  We didn’t want to miff him… Suddenly he stoops over.

  “There!… There!…” he shouts…

  He opens a big tap… and how it spews! Spews!… Psssst!… violently. Took us by total surprise, whew… Full blast right in our faces… Couldn’t dash to the door fast enough… Quicker than when we got here!… What a fruitcake!… Racing off, we can hear him behind us… roaring with laughter, busting his gut! We zip around the lawn three times from sheer momentum!… Coughing, hacking… Ah! He really let us have it!… We flop down on the grass. Pooped… I had such an acrid taste in my throat I was afraid to take another breath… Small wonder that jerk had such a cough… The pair of us were coughing too! Sosthène even worse than me!… I puke up a gob of blood… I’m choking… All this hacking tearing me to pieces!… Ah! I’ve got my own bag of tricks! Look at that fresh gob! Hey, this is no joke!… Ah! I’m getting out of here… I shout over to Sosthène…

  “You deal with this wise guy’s crap yourself! I’m fed up with his gas taps! Be seeing you! Love and kisses to blondie!…”

  “Ah, don’t do this to me!” He grabs me, absolutely beside himself… flings himself around my neck… kisses me…

  “You’ll kill me if you do that!”

  He begs me… beseeches… with excuses, sweet talk… the Colonel was just kidding us, horsing around… a typical English prank, an eccentric’s whim… The problem was I just didn’t understand England… this was no big deal at all…

  So in the end I let myself be bamboozled again. The Colonel comes looking for us, his estate is one big amusement park… he leads us farther off to another hut, another shanty, entirely camouflaged with ivy like the first… Ah! This time I’m watching my step, goddamn it!… The next trick he pulls will be his last!… I won’t come back!… I peer in from outside… A real junk heap in there, motor belts, small dynamos, spilling all over the tables, a worse clutter on the floor… heaps of hammers, bit braces, one big load of machine rubbish…

  “Here’s where I work, gentlemen!…” he announces, proud as a peacock… “Work! Work! I and my engineers!…”

  Whatever, but today it stands empty… Engineers my ass… the place is deserted…

  Again he stoops… Pssst! A yellow stream… he found another tap! Pssst! Blowing into our legs! Didn’t have time to spot it… Ah! This moron’s a genius when it comes to acting dumb… he goes into ecstasies, starts dancing around! Hacking the whole time! Hacking away!… Bouncing around, batty over his gag… He’s got a special knack for this kind of crap! And he’s running his legs off! Smug, silly son of a bitch! I’d like to cram his gas taps down his throat!… I always run into these prize pranksters…

  “Shut up, you dumb idiot!… That’s our first experiment!…”

  Sosthène latches onto me… he moans, he can see I’m about to clear the hell out, he puts on a sad face so I won’t leave him high and dry.

  “Ah! Our first?… That’s a hot one, you fairy… Skip to the last, why don’t you?… I’m going to drop dead coughing!…”

  No kidding, I can’t take any more. I’m oozing blood, some yellow gunk, from all the holes in my head… from my nose, my ears… See ya!… What a big joke!

  The Colonel’s getting a big kick anyway, he doesn’t give us a break, he’s coughing, coughing like crazy, but having a blast… He leads us even farther off… Sniff! Sniff! Sniff!… He shows us how to clear our systems out like it’s still part of the joke… The trick is to blow out backwards!… Such a reek and rasp in your throat… way down inside… a burning sensation… scorching you, worse and worse… I’m going to puke up my lungs!… Smmmuuff! Smmuuufff! No good! damn!… He’s still sucking on his big liquorice drop… I should have just left! The hell with Sosthène! They’d have worked out something between them!… But then there was the kid… If I blow this place… then I blow all my chances!… I’d never be able to set foot here again!… My rotten attitude makes her uncle sore… Ah! I forced myself to stay on… I kept coughing… coughing… sniffing… trying out his little trick – sniff! sniff! – tagging along after him, I was a coward at heart… Now we’re climbing stairs… one floor… two… this is the place… he plants us in front of the door.

  “Wait!” he goes.

  I’m sure he’s going to pull the same thing again! Ah! I’m positive! I let the jerk know what’s on my mind. “Wait and see! This time he’ll kill us!”

  Ah! I feel jumpy, I want to get out of there.

  “So, bye-bye, Sosthène, I’m beating it!…”

  I can hear the crackpot through the door rummaging around his gear.

  “Wait! Wait!” he shouts from way back inside.

  He’s scared we’ll get away.

  “Hear that?… He’s getting the pipes ready!…”

  I was sure, really sure…

  “No! No! Wait a second!”

  Fine! I wait, I let him talk me into it again… since I’m totally whacked, I take a little breather. Now the wall starts shaking… this hanging tapestry starts rising… higher and higher… up like a theatre curtain… and who do I see before my eyes… centre stage?… Our very own funny man!… In person, and all tarted up! Hilarious! In dress uniform! Epaulettes! Sabretache, the works!… A quick costume change. He wants to blow us away with his wealth… He’s putting on the ritz now… A Colonel! Shako! Big sabre! Just magnificent!… A gala performance!… Frogs! Boots! Spurs!… Tight-fitting khaki, red inner lining!… Ah! His head’s out of this world!… A feathered shako no less!… A walking costume drama!… Could that be an English uniform? Where did he dig up all that gold?… Ah! Sosthène in his yellow dressing gown looks pretty shabby compared to this! His little asshole dragon!… His mimosa trimmings! Man oh man! It really cracks me up!… He holds his pose an instant for our admiration… turns on his heels, walks off, struts back onto the small platform! The Colonel in fancy drag! What a knockout!…

  He gives us no time to think… Bam! He pounces back on top of us!… He leads us off somewhere else again… not allowed to catch our breath!… Down a short corridor… up one floor… a flight of stairs… up another… Whew! Here w
e are!… In front of the attic. He shows us around… the “Hall of Experiments” as he dubs it… right under the rafters, it’s enormous… a kind of misshapen hangar… I spot the experiments… another incredible pigsty!… Everything you want, scrap metal, glassware… heaps of junk like over at Claben’s… I keep running into messes, junk collectors, pack-rat setups… I’m sure he’ll lock us in… That’s his one big obsession! What’s he going to come up with now?… Where’d he stick the taps?… Ah! I’m certain, I hunt for them along the walls… in the air… everywhere… along the floor…

  “Shhh! Shhh!” He comes back acting real mysterious… everything’s a big secret!… Anybody follow us?… He asks, grows worried… Then he leans over… calls… shouts down the stairs.

  “Virginia!… Virginia!…”

  Twice more… Nobody answers…

  He turns back to us.

  “She’s shrewd!…”

  So now we know.

  He gobbles down his cough drop. He could tell a tale or two about Virginia… Oh, man! And how!… He listens… No! No! Not a sound… He shuts the door very gently… creeps back to whisper his secret… practically right against our ears…

  “Me! O’Collogham! Colonel! Royal Engineer!”

  He gives a military salute.

  “That’s right! Thirty-two years of active duty! India! Here!… The Empire is in danger! Grave danger! Gas! Gas! Did you smell it, gentlemen?”

  You better believe we smelt the gas.

  “The Devil! Gentlemen! Look, gentlemen! Sin! Lucifer! Sulphur! Did you smell? You understand me? So you’ve got to pray to God! Pray God! And right now!…”

  That’s an order.

  “Pray God! And right now!…”

  “Pray God?…”

  I just stand there like an idiot.

  He grabs my hands, pushes them together, he’s going to make me say my prayers… He’s dead serious…

  “Right! Now, down on our knees!…”

  He too kneels down, in dress uniform… All three of us on our knees… It’s got to warm his cockles.

  “Pray God!…” he yells. “Pray to God!…”

  No choice but to obey.

  All I know is the “Our Father”!… I recite it… Suddenly he sticks his face into mine… wants to double-check my devotion… gives me a hug… a kiss on the forehead… he stands up, genuinely delighted!…

  “Oh! You understand!… Oh, you understand!… My dear, invincible! In… vin… cible!… Allies! Magnificent allies!… China! Frah-hance!… Stay on your knees!… I’ll consecrate you!…”

  This is a big-time event. Got to keep a straight face… he unsheathes his sword… hits me… with a tap on the shoulder… Presto!… We’re consecrated!…

  “England rule the world!…” he squeals. He waits for us to take up the chorus.

  “Hip! Hip! Hurray!…”

  Gotcha!… We belt it out and throw in a “Vive la France!” We’re in the spirit! He’s rejoicing!…

  “Gentlemen!” He gives us a hug… “You’ve understood! The Boches are kaput! Gas! Kaput!… Finish!…” He guffaws!…

  Exuberant outbursts make me suspicious.

  “Heads up!…” I shout over to Sosthène… this time I caught him in the act!… He dived under the workbench!… He’s going to open another tap! No!… That’s not it! A new trick! Oh, I got scared! He’s lugging out two huge contraptions, masks sort of, wild gizmos with monster goggles… plus tubes, coils winding around every which way… little ones and big ones… a diving-mask kind of thing… but even more freaky-looking… really incredible gear… got to weigh a ton… we lend him a hand, he couldn’t manage on his own…

  “Gentlemen! Safety first!”

  You can see how proud he is… showing off his treasures.

  “William the Conqueror 1917! Off to Berlin! To Berlin! Modern!… Modern!…” That’s his grand announcement. He whisks off his shako… He’s going to put on his contraption… His goal must be to head out for Berlin with it on… I won’t stop him…

  Ah! Just our luck, we came up with a real doozy! He gives us the rundown on his doodads… they’re all different… mustn’t mix them up… these here’re valves!… Those over there too!… But those other ones aren’t!… That one’s a carboy!… The heaviest of the lot!… With a big lead tube… that other thingamajig with the so-called valves opens at the top… see that copper connecting panel that pulls down and seals off your eyes, plus the red-and-blue goggles… Now Sosthène’s got to give it a go!… Come on, let him sniff in the valves!… He’ll get a kick out of it!… We’ll each get our turn, of course!… They start discussing technique… I watch them, they’re getting on my nerves… Sosthène in his Chinese drag… the other guy in his operetta get-up… They’re firing each other up… I just stand back and think… I’m not involved… But they’d like to fill me in on the sniffing hook-up anyway! Ah! I positively refuse to listen to a word! They want to suck me in… Aw! I’d like to tell them to fuck off! The whole deal stinks, and that’s that… The only thing that holds me back is Virginia… So my mind keeps working… working hard…

  The Colonel’s geared up, totally gung-ho. He’s got another idea… “All three of us! All three of us off to the war! War! Ouarr! Ouarr!…”

  With him in that mask, don’t forget…

  Is this what he was getting at the whole time?… He wanted to roll back the Germans with his valve-equipped snout… Oh! He could be my guest… Damn! He’s outdone himself this time! Just as I suspected!… I motion to Sosthène for us to scram… this time it’s settled! End of the line! But forget it, they’re bosom buddies! Absolutely nuts about each other… they want to stay together for ever… the instruments turn them on… Sosthène’s not even looking at me any more. They’re going to throw a scare into the Germans!… They promise each other, swear up and down… They gobbledegook non-stop back and forth in broken French and English. They must be getting everything ass-backwards… In short, they adore each other. But there’s no way you’ll see me marching off… in some gas mask or shit mask… Ta-ta, lamebrain! The pair might as well go and get hitched… I’ll for ever hold my peace… Why don’t they lug along his ancestor, Achille Rodiencourt?… Sosthène went on enough about him… First of all, I knew about helmets… I’d worn my share in battle… with thick plumes, brush, the works… I was thinking back… Those helmets in the Fourteenth Cuirassiers were a lot lighter than these… and they were the real thing too… Oh! Yowee! My head’s still hard from wearing them… But now rigged out in those supposedly anti-gas toad eyes of theirs… what kind of crazy shit would they cook up next?… Oh! Life throws so much crap your way! And there was more to come… Plus with my fruitcake Colonel into the bargain… they were hitting it off fantastically!… They didn’t give another second’s thought… They were pouncing onto the equipment… Pulling apart, breaking everything up… Both on the same wavelength… smashing every single hook-up to pieces… busting away with hammers!… Screwdrivers!… They were popping pins… going full blast… ripping fragile membranes!… Raging rummaging it’s horrendous… like they’re in the grip of a fever… But booming with laughter, and happy… as though the gadgetry had gone right to their heads! If I open my mouth they’ll gang up on me… a frenzy of destruction! They don’t give me another thought… they’ve got a vendetta against their junk… They lunge on top of it… Savages… one on each side!… Let ’er rip!… They grab the gorgeous masks… dash them against the wall! And then dive on top of the debris!… All I can see is a pair of butts, the embroidered Chink and the scarlet-lined Colonel… flinging around all their doodads… chucking them up in the air!… Fistfuls at a time!… They come raining down… falling back… the nails… the Muscovy glass!… They must be high on gas… having one hell of a time!… Crazy bastards!… Ah! They were turning my stomach… So long! I could have slipped out without any fanfare… They wouldn’t even have noticed… All right then! Do it!… I start moving!… And then plop! I chicken out again! Can’t get the gir
l out of my mind! I hesitate, all mixed up, unhappy… How am I going to tell her goodbye?… It’d sure look bad to slip off like some bum… after the way she was so nice… so generous, especially towards both of us… and we acted like such slugs, especially the other guy over there, the weirdo from China… Ah! I wanted to see her once more all the same… let her know before I left that I wasn’t a loser… just have a word or two… and not just slink off like some slob, some yahoo, some brainless pig… True, she was just a girl, but she had the poise of a woman… You could see that in the way she gave orders… and made her presence felt… she was the mistress of a house made in heaven… Ah! I’d just wait for her, that’s that!… My two whacked-out roughnecks would run out of steam soon enough, then conk out on top of their rubble… Even now they weren’t whaling away quite as hard. Crazy fits don’t last for ever.

  *

  The situation dragged on for a while… they were having way too much fun together… they kept it up for another three hours at least, putting things together, pulling them apart, and then playing tricks on each other… they’d hide utensils… then make them reappear smack on each other’s heads… openly thumbing their noses at each other… an absolute free-for-all! Monkeys cutting loose!

  Sosthène had tucked up his shirt with safety pins.

  “One wealve embryoun,* gentlemen!”

  The Colonel was demonstrating everything… his great invention, the one he’d clicked onto his belly, a stroke of genius! How he “houmiidified” the gases, the air and the nitrogen! Dissolved them together through a slow dripping process! With the poisons! You really should have seen his set-up! Sosthène stood there jaw to the floor… drank up every single word… mimicked every move…

  All at once the Colonel shoots upright with a start… frozen motionless finger in the air…

  “Piss! Piss!…” he shouts. “My prostate!…”

  With his eyes locked in a stare as though he were hearing voices!… Here we go again, another song and dance! Then he pokes around his underpants, sticks his finger in his butt… and dashes off – he’s gone!…