London Bridge Read online

  Afterwards we got used to this, it came over him every now and then, especially after having worked himself up… and whenever it did, get out of the way, for Christ’s sake! But this time around I was all too glad… I had to give Sosthène a piece of my mind. I was going to set him straight.

  “Sosthène! Sosthène!” I grabbed him… “Sosthène! How much longer is this going to go on? Could you please tell me, huh? Do you have any idea, dear sir? Because you can count me out!… No way I’m going back to the war!… Just forget it!…”

  Ah! I’ve gone and left him speechless… He looks at me, knocked for a loop.

  “What? You were the one who used to talk about dying! About suicide! Despair! Now you’re shaking in your boots?”

  Ah! I’ve taken him aback.

  “I thought you’d be happy!…” he throws at me. “That you’d jump at the chance!…”

  Ah! His nasty dig rubs me the wrong way! I can’t believe it, the guy’s making fun of me!

  “And what about you, Mr Smooth Operator!” I snap back… “Magic, my balls! Still enchanted by your journey to India? Are you leaving or aren’t you?… Maybe you’d better stick to one spot?… You old swindler con-artist cuckold!…”

  I let him have it…

  I hit him with: “You old phoney!… You old bullshitter!…”

  I was out for blood.

  “Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my!” he goes… “Oh! Where are your manners?” He scowls… I’ve put him through the wringer.

  “Where’d you learn to treat people that way?…” he asks me, very high and mighty.

  “And what about you, you old con man!”

  The situation was turning ugly… I repeated loud and clear: “I’m not going to go and get myself killed to save your ass!”

  “How’s that supposed to happen? You silly fool, can you just tell me how? This is our lucky day! A break beyond our wildest dreams! Our one chance in a thousand! Don’t you understand what we’re dealing with?… We’re about to rake in 1,500 pounds!”

  He’s acting infuriated!

  “Where’d you get 1,500 pounds, huh?”

  “But that’s what the Colonel’s offering us!”

  “Ah! That’s what he’s offering us! So where is it? All right, fine, I’ll take you at your word, I want some clothes right away! A suit, a brand-new one! Those are my terms… quite reasonable… not a luxury… you’ve let me know often enough… ‘Clothes make the man, my son, clothes make the man!’”

  The truth is he’d rubbed my nose in it…

  “Very well then! So’s twelve pounds enough?”

  I set my price, I wanted a peek at this supposed pile of dough, at least some hint it existed… Look, I’m not asking for the whole 1,500! Just twelve!… Merely a small down payment!

  “I’m off. For some duds! So I won’t embarrass you!… I don’t have a Chinese gown, milord!”

  “Oh! You’re in such a big hurry, so rude!…”

  That’s just his style, the slob!

  “You’re going to blow the whole deal! The Colonel’s very favourably disposed towards us… But we can’t be blunt! That’ll scare him off! Simple as that! Plain as day!”

  “Come on, let’s go! A small advance! I can’t stay in these stinking rags… Just look at me! I make a lousy impression! It’s even awful inside the house!… Do you have any idea? You yourself spelt it out for me! You kept saying, ‘Appearances, Ferdinand, appearances!’ Just take a look at the young lady! What can be going through her mind?… Appearances! Two bums, that’s who’s landed on her doorstep! You in Chinese drag, me in rags! Ah! Not exactly charming!… I’ve been sleeping God knows where, you know it too! I’m not presentable any more!”

  “Ah! So you’re interested in the young lady? I see! I see!”

  “Butt out, shithead!”

  “Ah! The little rascal’s horny!”

  “Horny!… Horny!… We’ll see about that.”

  As if that’s any of his business!…

  “But what about the Oouarr Minister! War! Didn’t you hear?”

  He’s back feeding me his line.

  “He’s put in his order! I swear to it!”

  That was a lie! He was off on the same old bullshit! What I needed was my twelve pounds so I could deck myself out!… I didn’t want to hear about anything except my demand, and right now! And no substitutes!…

  “The Colonel’s got ideas!…”

  “Everybody’s got ideas! Nobody gives a shit, you fucked-up old fart!…”

  “The world’s lousy with ideas… I’m in this for my shoes, that’s it! Plus my tweed suit!”

  I kept hammering away! Twelve pounds! Twelve pounds!… An advance! A small advance!

  I was a broken record.

  “So the love bug bit you? You’re hooked, Romeo?”

  He was striking back, real proud of himself.

  “Screw love! My shoes matter more! I’ve got holes over my ass! Can’t you get that through your head, you idiot?…”

  “What’re you going to do with this money?”

  “Put some clothes on my back, master… A real fine-looking outfit! And do you proud! Dazzle you!”

  “It’s your fever talking, of course!… Your fever!”

  He had an explanation for everything.

  “I’ve had it with walking around in rags!”

  “Well, I’ll tell you what then, stop by my place, ask Pépé for a beautiful robe!… One of my very own!… Something real beautiful with flowers! I’ll lend it to you!”

  “One Chinaman’s enough!…”

  “Your big hurry is going to ruin it for us! It’s real simple, I’m warning you… This is a bad move! Absolutely reckless! You go and do this and you wreck all our chances in one swoop! Hold off until Monday… I’ll have time… next week… I know! I’ll talk to him tonight!… That’s the best I can do… It’s such a delicate matter in French! You want me to come out and hit him up just like that? Oh, no, no, no!”

  He was sick.

  “No way! No way! I’m not waiting. Go screw yourself! I’m clearing the hell out of here!”

  Ah! I’m incorrigible!

  He looks at me hard, rolling his eyes… my decision just floors him.

  “Oh, yes! You’d better believe it! I’m pig-headed! Six pounds!… Six pounds I say, and right now!…”

  I dropped my price. Six in cash.

  “You can’t cough up six pounds?”

  Back to dickering, dragging his feet…

  “Let’s say tomorrow! Tomorrow morning!…”

  “No way! No way! Right now or forget it!…”

  He could see this was going all wrong. He turns his pockets inside out… his whole dressing gown… not one red cent!… His linings… zip…

  I did some arithmetic! A decent suit?… That would come to at least three pounds… four pounds… a nice raincoat: twelve shillings!… And I wasn’t going for an elegant look! Just something to see me through, something presentable… As for the footwear, we’d get back to that later…

  “Yesterday you were so happy!…” He was surprised… “You had no complaints about anything whatsoever!”

  “Yes, but today I’ve changed!…”

  “Ah! My oh my! The youth of today, will you just look how capricious they are… how moody…”

  He huffs, puffs, grumbles, gropes around his body… smacks his forehead… He’s thinking… darts a glance at the ceiling… the shelf… the odds and ends… the long line of flasks… motions me…

  “Hand me that one over there!… There, the big shiny one!…” I hand it to him. It’s heavy.

  “OK, scram! Get the hell out!”

  He jams it down deep into my pocket.

  “Well, what are you waiting for? Clear off, quick! You’re set!…”

  I look at him.

  “Stop by Petticoat Lane. You know where the market is, right?”

  I did.

  “It’s mercury for thermometers!… It’ll bring you seven or eight pounds at least!�
� But now watch you don’t get ripped off!… It’s pure stuff!… Top quality!… Be careful!”

  Ah! He whispers in my ear… and he sends me off! I hadn’t thought of this!…

  “Come on, stop dreaming!…” He shoves me along… “You want to deck yourself out or don’t you? You’ll be a knockout in your raglan!”

  And he shoves me out the door! Ah, pretty gutsy move all the same!

  “A cheviot-wool suit for Monsieur! Ladykiller!”

  I pat the flask, can’t make up my mind.

  “Ah! You got to decide what you want…”

  He hit the nail on the head! He’s right. Now I’m the one hemming and hawing.

  “Off you go! Damn! He’s going to come back up!”

  Ah! He’s making up my mind for me, for Christ’s sake!

  “Bye!…” I go. “So long! I’m out of here, got that? I won’t be long!… Back in a flash!…” I had a suit picked out in my mind… one I’d seen in the shop windows… at the corner of Tottenham-Euston… a real beaut… beige check, the latest style back then… I had spotted it… I can see the thing… I was afraid it’d be gone…

  *

  I snapped up what I was after… I got back before six, absolutely dressed to kill… a real bargain… not where I thought in Tottenham… but at Süss’s in the Strand, practically brand new… Did a good job fencing the mercury… Three pounds fifty exactly… it was worth the trouble… didn’t run into any of the wrong people… handled the matter quickly… galloped from one tailor to another… couldn’t rest easy out on the street, far from my friends this way… while I was gone they could be up to anything!… I bought the Mirror on the run… nothing more about Greenwich… Looked like they’d forgotten about us… Even so it didn’t calm me any… Ah! Pins and needles!… I didn’t dawdle around the street corners… I was a handsome devil, true enough… One pound fifty, every last stitch included!… Genuine homespun cheviot wool!… Just take a look at this clubman! Whoosh!… I race along!… Willesden!… There’s the house, I spot it!… The gate… Not a single competitor at the door… not a soul… they got it through their skulls finally… I enter through the small entrance to the garden… here I am in the main vestibule… I clear the stairs… a lackey stops me… steers me towards the salon…

  My first thought: “Disaster!…”

  I barely sit myself down when another door opens… the Colonel and the little girl… No need for small talk… I was sure!…

  “Oh, there you are!…”

  How happy they were to see me again… the pair quite amiable! He’s sucking on his sweet… a piece of nougat… he looks me up and down… He’s taken off his gorgeous gold, back to everyday clothes.

  “Oh, isn’t he smart? Such elegance! What a young man!”

  That was all.

  But he ends with a point-blank question: “What about the mercury?”

  So that’s it!… I was sure!… He’s attacking me! And at the same time, laughing… busting out… Man oh man, they’re having a great time!… Ah! What a terrific trick! The girl too… They’re delighted, the pair of them… Easy to please!… Ah! right off, I’m sure as hell… Sosthène… Ah! the sly bastard! Let me lay eyes on him!…

  Not hide nor hair of him, naturally…

  I turn red… green… start humming… what are they going to do with me?… Am I going to ask their forgiveness, or what?… Throw myself at their feet!… Beg!… The hell with this! Enough already! That’s just too bad!

  “Can I go?” I just come out and ask…

  “Sit down! Sit down!”

  Couldn’t be kinder, more cordial… They won’t hear of me leaving… They’re getting too big a kick out of watching me… They don’t look a bit mad… But that doesn’t mean anything… the English are two-faced, every last one of them!… They’ll put on a simpering show for you… But this was all a set-up, I’d bet my life on it!… A trap, end of story!… And I’d walked right into it, dumb ass!… The police were going to turn up… Nabbed, Madame, caught red-handed! We could have a little fun with him… “Come clean, young man! Where’d you get that suit? Come on, out with it!… In the can, kid! Six months for this! Three months for that!” Not to mention my IOUs! Man, oh man, it wasn’t hard to imagine! They were playing me for a sucker, and how!… Ah! Their little plan went off without a hitch! I’d got screwed over… A lamb to the slaughter! An eleven-… twelve-month stretch!… Where could that other crook have got to? A sure bet he was up in the attic… What if I went on up to tell him a thing or two?… Or if I filled in this pair?… Now he’s in civvies, the senile old fart!… Was he ever really a colonel? Maybe he was just a stoolie for the cops?… Ah, shit! I was hurting all over… Ah! More blabbing!… Badgering!… Gesturing!… Smooth-talking!… Ah! They were making my head spin, and that was that! Enough already! Enough was too much!… Let them go ahead and think anything they wanted!… “Give up! Give up! Stay in your seat”… That was the voice of reason… I was going to let them have their way with me, but then damn, I had second thoughts all the same… I’m not any dumber than they are!…

  “So Matthew’s on his way?”

  I just come straight out and ask them. I know the score.

  “Inspector Matthew?… Huh? The cop from the Yard?”

  “Matthew? Matthew?” They don’t understand me… don’t have a clue!… That beats everything!…

  “Tea? Tea?” they offer me instead. “Come on, have some tea! For God’s sake!…”

  They really are lousy hypocrites… getting a kick out of seeing me squirm… a bungler, trapped and bound… Entertainment. That’s just like these people… They’re rich, they’re British and they’re rotten swine… one and all, regardless of age or sex…

  “OK, let’s have some tea!… I’d love some…”

  Since we’re waiting for the police… I’ll keep my cool too… don’t want to be more jittery than they are!… When all’s said and done what the fuck does it matter to me!… Let’s go ahead then!… And keep going!… I don’t really have anything much to lose!… Let’s start the fun! The girl’s babbling away… fluttering about… all around me! Indescribably titillating… constantly hopping… what lovely muscles!… She conducts the conversation! And such a chatterbox! Bold for her age… talks to us about the movies… cricket… sports… contests!… All the while capering about… Nobody brings up my mercury any more… The Colonel wipes his mouth… about to get up… His prostate again? No. He informs us it’s something else… he’s going to work… He leaves me and the darling to our private chat… Ah! Such weird behaviour… He goes off sucking on his candy… Ah! He’s got a few surprises in him all the same… He excuses himself with great politeness… He is going upstairs to his experiments… To rejoin Sosthène with his masks… Good!… Very good!… Couldn’t ask for better!

  I’m calming down after all… since that’s the thing to do around here!… Any way you look at it I’m not risking a thing… Why should I knock myself out? They’re not worried… I stay in my seat… have some more tea… it helps me keep my composure… the girl pours me a cup… Ah, how beautiful she is!… How wonderful! I just can’t get over it… what a smile!… All this for me!… Both of us here together!… Her uncle’s one funny bird… I do some thinking… Ah! What a mischievous little imp… a tease, she must know what’s going on… I want to bring up the mercury with her again… it’s nagging me… bugging me… No way! She won’t stay still… It’s in her nature to keep moving… she even makes me dizzy, I have to admit… bouncing around, pirouetting like a pixie… all around me through the room… What lovely hair!… What gold!… What a doll!… Whenever I say something she looks at me… she’s pretending like my situation is no big tragedy… but I’d like a big tragedy… I spot a twinkle of malice in her eyes!… I wish she’d keep on smiling for ever… even at my stupidity… idiot that I am in this suit of mine! To think that was my only reason for going out!… I’ve made myself look ridiculous… plus the mercury into the bargain! Really, what a rotten impre
ssion! A thief! I’m so ashamed… on tenterhooks… I blush… can’t seem to get out a word… I listen to her… her twittering… English bird talk… I don’t catch everything… She speaks a bit quickly… English from the lips of little girls is whimsical, playful, mischievous… it bounces around too… tinkles… laughs over trifles… capers… flutters… What cheerfulness!… What bright reflections, first blue, then mauve… her eyes completely captivate me… Happens in a flash! I forget… can’t see a thing any more… she’s just too nice to be around, a blossom! Yes, a blossom… I breathe in… Bluebottle!… A bird I said… I prefer bird… never mind! I’m bewitched… Her eyes, bluebottles… a little girl… and that short skirt… Ah! She’s just too attractive, damn it all! Her blond hair fanning out… when she hops, brightening the air… Ah! Just too beautiful!… I’m going to faint… She’s adorable!… Ah! I calm down!… The hell with this, tough!… I shouldn’t… He’s left us alone, the old crank!… And here the two of us are together!… Ah! I’m too comfortable in this armchair… I feel awfully damn good… I’m quivering! Quivering… Ah! This little kid’s so beautiful!… Ah! How I adore her!… She makes my mouth water… How old is she? I’ll ask her, just watch me!… On second thoughts, no, I’m too afraid!… I have some more tea… don’t eat much… still careful not to go overboard… I remember the last time. It’s horrible to be chewing with her looking on… to sit there chomping away, gulping down, under her beautiful, adorable eyes… I could never… I’d die first, ah!… A pang of politeness eating away at me… I lost my appetite, even if I were skinny as a rail, I still wouldn’t have touched a crumb… I’d’ve gone to my grave with my pangs, so there!… All out of burning love for Virginia!… Did I get her name right – Virginia?… I’ve got to ask her, but do I dare?…

  “Virginia?… You Virginia?”

  “Yes! Yes!…”

  Ah! Too beautiful… everything is too beautiful! Her eyes! Her smile! Her thighs! I can see them when she jumps, those thighs of hers… she doesn’t care… muscular down there, pink and tanned… her dress too short… Ah! She’s keeping me great company… or else just keeping an eye on me… Really got to keep that in mind… pack of hypocrites… but I don’t feel like going… I’m caught!… And she’s the one who caught me!… Ah! I’m afraid to move a muscle… Maybe she would have called for help if I did?… Some private little chat this is! I mind my Ps and Qs… I let myself be charmed, listen as she makes her very funny remarks, her wonderful little comments about everything… and nothing… I turn down the cookies… she’s not happy… she scolds me… I’d gobble down the lot for just one of her smiles… every last cookie, the tray, the table… I’m already her prisoner… in the most beautiful prison in the world!… Ah, I’d stay right where I am and not ever move… I go: “Yes!… Yes!…”