London Bridge Read online

  Other books by Louis-Ferdinand Céline

  published by Alma Classics

  Death on Credit

  Journey to the End of the Night

  Guignol’s Band

  London Bridge

  (Guignol’s Band II)

  Louis-Ferdinand Céline

  Translated by

  Dominic Di Bernardi

  ALMA CLASSICS

  alma classics

  an imprint of

  alma books ltd

  3 Castle Yard

  Richmond

  Surrey TW10 6TF

  United Kingdom

  www.almaclassics.com

  London Bridge first published in French in 1964

  This translation first published in the USA by Dalkey Archive Press in 1995

  First published by Alma Classics in 2012. Reprinted 2017

  © Éditions Gallimard, Paris, 1964. Édition révisée en 1989

  Translation © Dominic Di Bernardi; this edition made in cooperation with Dalkey Archive Press

  Printed in Great Britain by CPI Group (UK) Ltd, Croydon, cr0 4yy

  isbn: 978-1-84749-244-9

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not be resold, lent, hired out or otherwise circulated without the express prior consent of the publisher.

  London Bridge

  Published posthumously in 1964, London Bridge is, as its subtitle Guignol’s Band II suggests, a straight sequel to Céline’s earlier novel, which appeared in 1944.

  In the previous volume, the narrator Ferdinand, a Frenchman in London during the First World War who has been demobilized due to an injury, has become embroiled with the city’s underworld, notably the pimp Cascade and the chemist-turned-criminal Borokrom (or Boro) – the latter’s escapades attracting the attention of Inspector Matthew of Scotland Yard. Ferdinand is present when Boro detonates a bomb in a pub and when later, after a drug-fuelled orgy, he murders the pawnbroker Van Claben and sets fire to his Greenwich shop, locking the narrator and the governess Delphine in the cellar. After a narrow escape, Ferdinand goes on the run, later learning from the cook-cum-card sharp Ten-Paw that, due to Boro’s duplicity, he himself stands accused of the crime. When the latter spots Matthew in an Underground station, he believes he has been set up and pushes Ten-Paw onto the tracks before unsuccessfully seeking refuge in the French Consulate and attempting to rejoin the army. He then meets the eccentric explorer Sosthène de Rodiencourt, who asks Ferdinand to join him on an expedition to Tibet.

  Guignol’s Band ends and London Bridge begins as the pair pay a visit to the home of a colonel who has advertised for volunteers to participate in gas-mask trials.

  The doorway’s already mobbed… Even though we’d raced over… so’s the gate… so’s the pavement… and every copy of the Times opened wide… Every last one of them is here about the want ad… A great-looking house… real posh… surrounded by a big garden… flower beds, roses, fantastic… some flunkey held the people back… urging patience.

  “The Colonel is not ready!…”* he shouted from the steps to keep them away.

  Ah, hell! We didn’t come here for this! Ah! Waiting around isn’t our style!…

  Suddenly Sosthène explodes in a squeal over the crowd… “The Colonel! The Colonel! Quick! Quick! War Office… Emergency! Emergency!…”

  He brandished his big roll of paper, unfurling it above the mob… like a banner!

  “China! China!” he declared…

  Naturally everybody cracks up… his chance to slip to the front…

  “The fool! The fool!”

  They think he’s nuts.

  I hurry after him, we’re through the door, standing on the carpet, a magnificent vestibule! We give our shoes a good wipe… Huge paintings, antique tapestries… I’m an expert… It’s a fantastic joint…

  More servants crawl out of the woodwork… I bet they’re here to kick us out!… Sosthène jumps down their throats… “War Office! Mask! Mask!”

  He scowls, scares them, they keep staring, a little leery. They block the Chinaman’s path. They circle around his oriental robe for a look-see at his embroideries, especially the one covering his ass… He shows off his dragon… a beautiful blue and yellow fire-breathing beast! He’s a smash!

  “Speak English!” he says to me. “Speak English!”

  His plan is for me to start shooting my mouth off.

  But no need… a very young girl… just a kid… but so pretty, a sweetheart!… Fair-haired, a real charmer… Right away I’m all admiration… ah! Ravishing!… Ah! I’m knocked off my feet!… Ah! Love at first sight!… Ah! Those beautiful blue eyes!… That smile!… A real doll, I adore her!…

  I shut my ears to the bullshitter beside me!… I’ve shut out everything, dead in my tracks, I’m speechless…

  If only it wasn’t for these crummy clothes!… I’m so ashamed… If only I’d had a quick shave… if only I wasn’t in such big trouble… I’d come right out and tell her what she’s doing to me… how wonderful it is… No! I wouldn’t… I’d keep it all to myself just the way I am now… head-over-heels… drooling… miserable… Ah! I feel such joy!… I’m afraid to breathe!… Ah! she’s so beautiful!…

  The servants are puzzled… They were supposed to wait for their boss… They go off, leave us there… both standing in front of the little girl… we don’t know which way to turn… How old is she? Twelve… maybe thirteen, I’d say… anyway, that’s my guess… and those calves!… Short skirt… what grace… what superb legs… tanned, muscular, you name it!… She must be athletic… athletic girls always drive me crazy… That’s just the way I picture fairies, in the same kind of short skirt!… And she’s a fairy!… That creep Sosthène leering knowingly… sneaking winks at me… His sort shouldn’t be allowed to look at her unless he’s on his knees! Stretched prostrate, begging her forgiveness!

  “Uncle! Uncle!…” She even talks!… She’s calling her uncle! What a voice! Pure crystal!… Ah! I’m hooked!

  Sosthène gives me another wink, she catches him!… He’ll ruin everything!

  “It’s OK! It’s OK!…” he whispers back.

  The jerk!

  “The Colonel’s coming!”

  He’s announced.

  And here he comes.

  “Virginia!… Virginia!…”

  He walks up to us. He talks to his niece.

  Ah! Her name’s Virginia… Such a pretty name, Virginia!

  The Colonel’s a fat pig, big and bloated, bursting at the seams, nothing like des Entrayes* from my war days! With that big butt and tiny head, he looks like a cannonball in his dressing gown, with sharp beady eyes, and a scowl, actually a facial twitch constantly running back and forth across his nose from cheek to cheek, a rabbit wrinkle, he’s always nibbling… He’s bald… completely bald… He’s got an eye that tears… just one… He keeps wiping it with a finger. He studies Sosthène. He looks at Virginia sternly.

  “Why are they here?” he asks her. I can understand his English.

  I jump right in.

  “The War Office!” I declare very firmly.

  Bold move!… I’ll run the whole show!

  I add: “The engineer only speaks French!…”

  I point to Sosthène de Rodiencourt.

  “Oh! Oh! But it’s a Chinaman,” he says with surprise.

  That makes him laugh! He takes in the odd bird from head to toe. Sosthène unfolds his maps all around… his rolls of paper… he yanks out a steady stream of papers from his beautiful
yellow robe… Ah! The Colonel’s a tough one, but this is starting to distract him… He lets Sosthène jabber away, eggs him on with his gestures. He shows us into the living room like real guests. He leads the way… I’m afraid to take a seat… but then I dare… Such so-oothing armchairs! I slump down! Luscious monstrosities! Colossal sponges! Sopping up every drop of my exhaustion!…

  Sosthène’s still rattling away, dithering in the middle of the room; he didn’t sit down, take a break, nothing… gesticulating, haranguing, spluttering… Now again he’s brandishing his copy of the Times, the want ads…

  “Do you understand me, Colonel! I tell you I’m just the man you’re looking for! So you agree, yes? You can count on me one hundred per cent! Me! Me!”

  He’s talking just about himself. Thumping his chest hard. He’s afraid he’s not getting through! Then he goes over to look out the window, shows the Colonel the crowd! All those people milling around down there… thronging the pavement… He won’t have any more of that! No sir, won’t hear another word! He won’t put up with any competition!

  “Ah! My dear Colonel, it’s too bad! I’m telling you to your face! All those people have got to go! This situation’s got to end!”

  Ah, really he’d rather just leave!…

  “I work alone or I leave! Come on, let’s go!…”

  He leads me away… A question of dignity!

  Everybody’s laughing, including the servants… holding him back by his basque…

  “No! No! Sit down, sir!”

  He’s won… The guy’s a riot!…

  The Colonel wants to keep laughing, he makes him run away and back… pop his hat on and off… All this right in the living room… A real sideshow! Darling little Virginia is having as much fun as anyone, but she doesn’t want Sosthène to make himself sick playing the buffoon!

  “Sit down, sir! Sit down!”

  Ah! But that’s not what the Colonel wanted! He wanted the whole show with dressing gown, dragon, the works. Sosthène didn’t catch on… he reeled off his life story while bopping along, bolting back and forth like some loony… his death-defying exploits in India, his unburied treasures… which slipped through his fingers… his raw deals with the Gem Company… and loads of other stuff… just like that while strutting around… his technical innovations, the veritable revolution in electromagnetic circuitry… the great debt science owed him… his special poison-gas detector calibrated to the millionth particle… all the patents he’d taken out since Berlin in 1902! Everything he’d been chiselled out of…

  “Drinks!” the Colonel orders.

  A flunkey bustles off, comes back with an armload… an entire cellar of bottles, flasks, whisky, cognac, champagne, sherry…

  The Colonel pours himself a glass, then another, then another… He’s drinking all by himself… And then another!…

  “Baah!” he goes after each swig… The stuff packs a wallop.

  He nestles back in his deep armchair, groans “Oooh!… Oooh!” over and over again… his belly’s shaking… he’s having a ball… he loves Sosthène… thinks he’s really funny. Meanwhile I’ve been dying a thousand deaths, especially in front of the girl! Sosthène’s still sneaking those looks at me. I wish the guy would shape up… No fucking way! He’s on a roll!

  “My dear Colonel, let me congratulate myself on being the perfect man to fit your bill!… I’m not afraid of coming right out with it! Lead us to the laboratory!… Just you wait and see!…”

  Ah! Ah! Now the fun’s really starting, and I mean the grand old rip-roaring variety! The Colonel’s tickled pink. Slapping his thighs, crowing in delight. Out in the middle of the room Sosthène’s still raring to go… running through his little act all over again… the flunkeys must be in a complete fog… he’s just some loony, that’s all! Every word out of his mouth is drowned in laughter… he’s happy he’s a hit… Great technique!… The Colonel offers him a drink… he doesn’t want anything alcoholic… Soda water for him! Plain soda water!

  I go over to take a look into the street… the applicants are still milling around… Quite a mob… it keeps multiplying… more people constantly arriving… the ad hit its mark… they’ve all got the Times open over their heads!… It’s raining now, a real downpour… Somebody’s got to send them away, take charge… but the Colonel’s not making any decisions… He’s still checking out Sosthène… I wonder if he understands French. He knocks back another glass of whisky! Oooh!… His gasp echoes through the room. Each swig must scorch his mouth… But at least he hasn’t kicked us out yet! That’s the main thing! I’m sort of just twiddling my thumbs… Too bad Sosthène won’t shut his mouth… keeps raising such hell… I wish I were a tiny mouse… and could hide here for ever!…

  And now the rain’s coming down even harder!… Torrents lashing the windows… The job-hunters are soaked to the bone!… A rumble’s mounting from the mob outside… gets to be disturbing… The Colonel’s not bothered… He claps his hands… The lackeys bustle off, come back with more trays, set out a whole tableload of food… packed with eats, hors d’oeuvres!… What a terrific spread!… What mouthwatering goodies!… I’m drooling. Foaming at the mouth, in fact! My head’s spinning… meat pies, anchovies! Slices of ham! Beef! Gorgonzola! Whole heaps! Grub galore!… Ah! A wonderland of great pickings!… You can’t imagine how it looked to my starving eyes! Mountains of butter!… Foothills, and soaring peaks! Ah! Everything’s a blur! Ah! I’m seeing double! Triple! Before my eyes Sosthène starts swaying, shoots to the ceiling, stretched full height, for one second poises on tiptoe between heaven and earth… then whoosh! He swoops on the tray!… On all fours! Flat on his belly! Wolfing down, inhaling everything in sight!… A mastiff! Growling like mad… Such a horrendous spectacle!… Got to find somewhere to hide!… The Colonel keeps his trap shut… tickled pink!… Anything but sore! He must have taken a shine to us! Fact is, the guy’s elated!… Ah! He’s never laughed so hard!… He leans down to help Sosthène stuff his face!… Shovels in whole platefuls of hors d’oeuvres! Dumps them right into his mouth… And Sosthène just can’t get enough… he asks for more… Ah! What a pretty sight this is in front of the girl!… My Chinaman’s turned into a mad dog! greedy, lapping up chow right from the rug! What an exhibition!…

  Colonel O’Collogham offers me some chicken, but I’m not getting down on all fours!… On second thoughts, I’m famished… dizzy from hunger! About to collapse! But I don’t give in! Won’t touch a crumb! Not on my belly, on my butt or on my feet! I don’t want to eat ever again in front of my walking miracle, my fantasy! My soul! My dream!… I’m palpitating, quivering!… Nailed to the spot!… On fire!… Dizzy with joy!… It was love at first sight. No, I’ll never put food in my mouth again! I love her! I love her too much! How could I chew in front of her? Stuff my face like that other guy? The nerve of that pig!… So what, I’ll die, tough luck!… I’d give my life for her!… Die of hunger! But my goddess, my soul! She’s inviting me to have a sandwich… or two… or three… how can I say no? She insists… smiles at me… I give in… helplessly… I give in!… Ah! She’s got me beat!… I swallow it down!… Bolt my food in turn!… The Colonel congratulates us… I’m excited, I’ve been beaten… We’re devouring his four trays!… Digging in with great gusto all around.

  “Bravo, boys! Bravo!”

  He’s glad we’ve picked it clean… Ah! Yes, now he’s a real buddy! Let’s do justice to his sandwiches! His leg of lamb! His caviar! His sweets, his bombe glacée! Magnificent tutti-frutti ice cream!… We inhale it!… But there’s no contest, Sosthène’s making the biggest pig of himself!… He’s putting away at least a month’s supply!… And whenever his jaws stop chomping he’s right back to blabbing! Talking big! Dishing out his crazy stories!… He piles them on between mouthfuls… what a jerk! What crap!… Nothing keeps him from yakking about how terrific he is! He lays it on thick… he’s worked umpteen wonders!… Here comes another feat!… This invention, that invention!… His big spectroscopic mirror able to detect gaseous e
missions… patented in Liverpool!

  I think Sosthène’s putting the Colonel to sleep… he’s nodding back in his armchair… yawns quietly behind his hand… Ah! Now I sneak a look at the little girl over there, that radiant mystery… Good God, she’s beautiful!… What an angel!… What gentle grace!… And what darling mischievousness too!… I motion to her slyly that I think Sosthène’s talking too much!… I’m taking a risk… She answers back slyly… she’s really very nice… “Let him go on!… Uncle’s falling asleep!…” In fact her uncle was dozing off… Me too in the end, my eyes start blinking shut… I’m really done in!… Sosthène is still talking… I’d like to stay awake… Look at Virginia again… Never take my eyes off her!… Adore her… but my lids won’t stay open… my eyes heavy, burning… Ah! I mustn’t seem very nice… nor fun to be around… nor even funny… I can’t make her laugh like the other goof… I can’t feel a thing except on the inside… The way my heart’s pounding… I’m heavy… made of lead… lead over my eyes, filling my head… I’m pumped full of lead… Ah, I give up… I’m lead through and through… down to my bones… only my heart is light… pounding every which way… and that’s just how I fall asleep, head in hands, elbows on knees… because I’m just too weak… I’d rather not drop off in front of the girl… but I give up… give up… Oh! Please let me do anything but snore!… Virginia’s standing right there in front of us!… How comfortable this living room is!… I’m only half-dozing!… nodding off and on… I wish she wouldn’t see me sleeping… I can still hear the other guy’s bullshitting…

  “Colonel sir… Colonel sir…”

  He won’t give it a rest!… His lousy voice lulls me… lulls me… I can’t catch what he’s saying.

  *

  We woke up the following morning around six… slumped back in the armchairs… everybody else had gone up to bed… They’d left us sleeping.

  As soon as he heard the house stirring Sosthène started sniffing all around. He went down to the kitchen to boil some water. But he couldn’t find any fixings for the coffee he wanted… he came back up to the living room, we polished off the eye of lamb and the meat pies… the leftovers…