He Meant, She Meant Read online

HE MEANT:

  hunting v. 1. the practice of stalking an animal—with respect for its natural grace and ability, and with a weapon created to destroy ability and shatter grace. 2. an unfortunate metaphor for courtship.

  SHE MEANT:

  husband n. there are two sorts of husbands: someone who marries you and forsakes all others, or someone who marries someone else and forsakes you. Try to pay more attention to the former.

  HE MEANT:

  husband n. There are two kinds of husbands: the kind of man who struggles to bankroll a wife and children, and the kind who does not. The first kind is now seen as “primitive.”

  SHE MEANT:

  hypocrite n. 1. a man who tells a woman that work takes priority over everything, unless it’s her work. 2. one who tells you not to be self-conscious, but criticizes you constantly. 3. one who doesn’t pay attention to you but gets in a fistfight with anyone who does.

  HE MEANT:

  hypocrite n. a woman who eats natural foods and wears unnatural hair spray.

  SHE MEANT:

  hysterical adj. crazed. Ever since the Greeks identified hysteria with the female sex organ, things have gone downhill. The Victorians thought removing the uterus would calm a nervous woman—hence the blood-chilling term “hysterectomy”—proving they were even dumber than the Greeks. They didn’t notice that men have fits of hysteria, too, simply known by other names. Like “temper.” Or “war.”

  HE MEANT:

  hysterical adj. describes a woman who won’t listen to your reason.

  I

  SHE MEANT:

  ignore v. to deprive someone of all love and attention, in hopes that he will go away. A technique that often backfires, as people inevitably become more amorous when ignored.

  HE MEANT:

  ignore v. to exercise one’s right to refuse interaction.

  SHE MEANT:

  illicit sex n. sex so fun that it is illegal. Not to be confused with implicit sex.

  HE MEANT:

  illicit sex n. sex you could get shot for having, by either a father or a husband. If that’s the price, make sure it’s good.

  SHE MEANT:

  iliusionment n. the refusal to be disillusioned.

  HE MEANT:

  iliusionment n. the use of drugs.

  SHE MEANT:

  image n. an illustrated idea. Melinda always had an image of how an assistant professor should look, which led her to buy the black antique lace-up boots. Also: a reputation to keep polished. Melinda hoped that the fact she was dating a student wouldn’t hurt her image in the political science department or her chances for tenure.

  HE MEANT:

  image n. what you have to live up to, once you project it. Unemployment can interfere. Kurt Vonnegut said “You are who you pretend to be,” but to this should be added, “until you get caught being someone else,” as Jimmy Swaggart could attest.

  SHE MEANT:

  imagine v. to make yourself believe you are happier than you really are.

  HE MEANT:

  imagine v. to make yourself believe you’re bedding more women than you actually are.

  SHE MEANT:

  immutable adj. rigid; refusing to improve.

  HE MEANT:

  immutable adj. rigid; refusing to relax.

  SHE MEANT:

  implicit sex n. when you’re not doing it but you might as well be. Includes slam-dancing, dirty talk, and the Lambada.

  HE MEANT:

  implicit sex n. similar to real sex in the way that reserving an airplane ticket is similar to actually sitting on the damn plane.

  SHE MEANT:

  important adj. brimming with significance, possibility, or hope.

  HE MEANT:

  important adj. relating to a promotion, or a championship game.

  SHE MEANT:

  impotent adj. literally: powerless. Figuratively: powerless to have sex. Also: literally powerless to have sex. It is important to have sympathy for the powerless. Otherwise they’ll only get more powerless, not to mention resentful.

  HE MEANT:

  impotent adj. describes a state that the Pope and his priesthood may pray for, but all other men pray against.

  SHE MEANT:

  impress v. to put one’s most attractive qualities on bold display.

  HE MEANT:

  impress v. to provoke admiration. A man may try to compensate for a lack of beauty with money or boasts. Without them he feels naked, and the object of his desire stays clothed.

  SHE MEANT:

  impulse adj. describes something that one needs to own or eat the moment one sees it.

  HE MEANT:

  impulse n. a spontaneous force from within, often leading to masturbation.

  SHE MEANT:

  incoherent adj. too upset to explain why you’re upset.

  HE MEANT:

  incoherent adj. too afraid to accept that you’re afraid.

  SHE MEANT:

  incompatible adj. having a worldview so different that it is unnerving.

  HE MEANT:

  incompatible adj. obsessing about one’s “worldview.”

  SHE MEANT:

  incompetent adj. inept or hopeless at a given discipline. Jan hoped to have Lloyd declared mentally incompetent at their divorce proceedings.

  HE MEANT:

  incompetent adj. bungling. Calling a man this is the equivalent of calling a woman “ugly.” It may be true, but it’s impolite.

  SHE MEANT:

  indecent adj. wearing too few clothes.

  HE MEANT:

  indecent adj. peeing in public, or looking as if you’d like to.

  SHE MEANT:

  independence n. freedom from self-appointed advisers.

  HE MEANT:

  independence n. autonomy men give up in exchange for (1) a girlfriend, (2) a wife and kids, and/or (3) membership in the army, the priesthood, or IBM.

  SHE MEANT:

  indirect adj. delightfully roundabout.

  HE MEANT:

  indirect adj. scared.

  SHE MEANT:

  indulge v. to agree to an outlandish activity for the sake of love.

  HE MEANT:

  indulge v. to satisfy a craving, as for pizza, or for an eyeful of the Women of the Big Ten.

  SHE MEANT:

  inevitable adj. unstoppable, like beachfront erosion, journalistic errata, and love for those who cannot return it.

  HE MEANT:

  inevitable adj. unavoidable, like occasional war, frequent suffering, and false vows of love made to those who won’t loosen their thighs without them.

  SHE MEANT:

  inexpressible adj. when an experience or emotion is so sublime that it cannot be conveyed in words. But the truth is, most things are articulable, and few of them sublime.

  HE MEANT:

  inexpressible adj. incapable of being communicated. Men’s real feelings will be inexpressible, as long as women are shocked by what men express.

  SHE MEANT:

  infantilize v. to treat a loved one like an infant.

  HE MEANT:

  infantilize v. to call a woman “baby.”

  SHE MEANT:

  infatuation n. a spurt of insanity that makes you think a total stranger has qualities that he doesn’t actually have.

  HE MEANT:

  infatuation n. the illusion that a woman’s essence is as beautiful as her appearance. To remove the illusion, get to know her. If you still like her, it’s “love.”

  SHE MEANT:

  infinite adj. boundless, like the love of Romeo and Juliet. Or like insect swarms; mailing lists; the catalogues spawned by mailing lists.

  HE MEANT:

  infinite adj. without limit, like your desire for an attractive woman who doesn’t want you to Change.

  SHE MEANT:

  influence v. to convince through flattery.

  HE MEANT:

  influence v. to convince through bribery.

  SHE MEANT:

  ingenue n. a girl who wears a w
ide skirt around her tiny waist and manages to remain untouched and pure, without gaining any weight or perceptiveness, throughout the entire history of literature and film.

  HE MEANT:

  ingenue n. a woman so innocent as to believe she’s the first one ever to end up in that position on a casting couch.

  SHE MEANT:

  initiative n. fervor at the beginning. Fervor at the end is known as endurance. Initiative is easier.

  HE MEANT:

  initiative n. action taken against one’s dissatisfaction. It conflicts with those who would rather pretend to be content.

  SHE MEANT:

  insecure adj. feeling completely undeserving of love and attention you nevertheless crave. Can be fed by excessive criticisms, compliments, and comparisons. Suzanne immediately felt insecure around anyone who knew how to French-braid.

  HE MEANT:

  insecure adj. feeling that you are what you do and that what you do is inadequate. Scientists have concluded that most men are right to feel this way, because they actually have no intrinsic value.

  SHE MEANT:

  insecurity n. the fear that you are the world’s least lovable person. The less you let this fear show, the more men will ask you on dates.

  HE MEANT:

  insecurity n. the fear of female rejection and male contempt. Failure to advance in one’s career can lead to both.

  SHE MEANT:

  insight n. an idea revelatory to one person and utterly obvious to another.

  HE MEANT:

  insight n. the ability to see what the boss sees.

  SHE MEANT:

  insult v. to attack verbally. More enjoyable than hitting. Hurts a man most when you attack his favorite quality or his attempt to pass for something he’s not. Like calling an intellectual stupid, or calling a Frenchman who makes grammatical errors in English a Frenchman.

  HE MEANT:

  insult n. a put-down worth fighting over, unless it was funny.

  SHE MEANT:

  intelligence n. the ability to know what’s going on without asking.

  HE MEANT:

  intelligence n. a quality prized in a woman, if she uses it to understand, rather than ridicule.

  SHE MEANT:

  interests n. pl. 1. love interests: people you love and want to protect. 2. financial interests: investments you love and want to protect.

  HE MEANT:

  interests n. pl. things you want to do, besides eat, sleep, and have sex. Collecting stamps, for example. If you have many interests, you are described as “interesting” by people who do not share your taste.

  SHE MEANT:

  interference n. poking around in the lives of others in order to help them. Men are wary of interference because they have watched too many hockey games and believe it is against the rules.

  HE MEANT:

  interference n. inappropriate blocking, as of TV signals by clouds.

  SHE MEANT:

  interpersonal adj. pertaining to relationships between people and other people, as opposed to relationships between people and their dogs, their computers, or their cars.

  HE MEANT:

  interpersonal adj. the type of skills women have.

  SHE MEANT:

  interpret v. to bestow meaning upon something that has no meaning.

  HE MEANT:

  interpret v. to explain that what you said wasn’t really what you meant.

  SHE MEANT:

  interrupt v. to cut off in conversation, like a pitcher who throws the ball before the batter is prepared. Many men have perfected this technique by playing so much catch as children.

  HE MEANT:

  interrupt v. when preceded by “coitus,” and followed by “us,” a Roman form of birth control.

  SHE MEANT:

  intimacy n. 1. the spice of love. 2. what men claim to have a problem with when they are withholding love or sex. They really have a problem with love or sex, but would never admit that.

  HE MEANT:

  intimacy n. sex.

  SHE MEANT:

  introspect v. a recently evolved verb, meaning to look inside oneself. It can be quite moving to watch a man introspect, although if he sees you watching he might stop.

  HE MEANT:

  introspect v. to spend time alone, looking within oneself for the source of your deeper feelings, motivations, etc. An ability uncommon in men, since the pay is lousy and the sex is dull.

  SHE MEANT:

  intuition n. inner vision; uncommon sense. Women have cornered the emotional market on this one, and therefore dominate the Psychic Friends Network and the advice columns. Men have managed to parlay their more meager amounts of intuition into becoming management consultants.

  HE MEANT:

  intuition n. fancy word for “hunch.”

  SHE MEANT:

  involved adj. the best possible description of a relationship when you’re not really sure what is going on. Melinda thought that now that she and Steve were involved, they should go away together to figure out what was going on between them.

  HE MEANT:

  involved adj. complicated. “Gee whillikers, Melinda,” said Steve, “that weekend plan of yours is kind of involved.”

  SHE MEANT:

  irony n. when it seems life is an elaborate joke and you are the punchline.

  HE MEANT:

  irony n. sort of humor in which you say one thing and mean the opposite. With hidden irony be said, “I am not a crook.”

  J

  SHE MEANT:

  jealousy n. a sweaty, irritable state that occurs when one confuses love with ownership.

  HE MEANT:

  jealousy n. the excruciating feeling that the person you love has a mind of her own.

  SHE MEANT:

  job n. a thing that can turn into a career if you don’t screw up or hit a glass ceiling Flo Kennedy pointed out, “There are very few jobs that actually require a penis or a vagina. All other jobs should be open to everyone.”

  HE MEANT:

  job n. a thing you spend eight or more hours a day doing, so as to keep the rest of your life out of debt.

  SHE MEANT:

  jock n. someone who sees life as an opportunity to work out. Usually has an impressive sex drive, unless steroids have been in the picture.

  HE MEANT:

  jock n. someone with a complex body and simple desires.

  SHE MEANT:

  judgment n. a crucial quality that disappears in the presence of love.

  HE MEANT:

  judgment n. a crucial quality that disappears in the presence of alcohol.

  SHE MEANT:

  justice n. what would ideally happen if the world were good. There is legal justice, moral justice, and poetic justice. They are not always the same, but it’s reassuring when they overlap.

  HE MEANT:

  justice n. what you tell the judge you want, when you’re really after revenge. Also: something you come to believe in, when the woman who dumped you gets dumped.

  K

  SHE MEANT:

  kill v. to do away with, by violent means or benign neglect.

  HE MEANT:

  kill v. to put a person or thing where they can never harm you again. An ability rewarded in wartime, but otherwise frowned upon.

  SHE MEANT:

  kinesthetic adj. touchy-feely. Women have a strong kinesthetic side, which is why we touch all the clothes in a store before trying anything on. Some people are more visual or verbal than they are kinesthetic. That is fine, as long as the verbal and the kinesthetic types do not marry each other.

  HE MEANT:

  kinesthetic adj. having a sense of one’s own bodily movement, position, or existence resulting from playing a sport, meditating, or scoping women.

  SHE MEANT:

  kiss n. an excellent way to gauge whether he’s a good lover without getting too involved.

  HE MEANT:

  kiss n. prelude to the nitty-gritty. You learn to linger here so she’ll let you linger there.


  SHE MEANT:

  know v. to realize without being told. I just know.

  HE MEANT:

  know v. 1. in the Bible, to have sexual intercourse with. 2. to become acquainted with, to the point that no mystery remains. If “1” leads to “2,” there’s little reason to hang around. If you hit “2” first, there’s no reason to go to “1.”

  L

  LISTENING AND LOSS: THE HISTORY OF THE GOOD LISTENER AND THE PHENOMENON OF LOST WORDS

  Recently, in the Gobi desert, archaeologists unearthed the remains of a prehistoric individual—a Neanderthal with a highly developed inner ear and traces of what seemed to be semicircular canals. Historians rejoiced: they had found the first good listener.

  Many anthropologists argue the skeleton is female because its ears are so advanced for its time. Women have since dominated the history of good listening. Their feats have included many heroic acts of listening, especially since they were not allowed to give public speeches in many cultures. The listening was sometimes excruciating, for example as in the Treaty of Versailles when the women had to listen to the men drone on about their slow negotiations and know that they could have come to an agreement sooner themselves. Mrs. Woodrow Wilson got a break in listening three months later when she ran the country during her husband’s illness, but she was too upset about the president’s condition to note that the torture of listening had ended.

  While it is well-documented that women on average say more words per day than men, it is less well-known that women also listen more.

  One might ask how this is physically possible, when, say, a woman and a man live together, for her both to talk more and listen more at the same time.