He Meant, She Meant Read online

  First of all: Who does she listen to?

  Well, she listens to her partner and friends and colleagues. She listens to those she phones. And she listens to herself.

  Secondly: Who listens to her?

  This is problematic, because sometimes a woman will say words that go beyond a man’s listening capacity. Those words, never heard by anyone but herself, become “lost words.”

  In some cases, these words are lost forever. But in many cases, they linger in the nether space between couples. She believes she said them, and he believes he never heard them.

  Both are right. She did say them. He didn’t hear them. The phenomenon of lost words can lead to minor misunderstandings and major upheavals.

  On a small scale, a man may ask a woman to “get to the point” when she is trying to make several points of varying importance, some of which he is on the verge of losing. Or he may feel overwhelmed by simple statements that he would normally understand. On a larger scale, he may insist she is crazy and did not tell him something she did tell him.

  Couples must be vigilant to avoid such situations.

  She should be careful not to exceed his listening threshold.

  He should be on the lookout for lost words.

  —JLB

  SHE MEANT:

  lackadaisical adj. lacking love and therefore exhausted.

  HE MEANT:

  lackadaisical adj. displaying passive aggression; helpful for avoiding fights over going to the opera.

  SHE MEANT:

  laconic adj. speaking rarely but profoundly. Men have many laconic role models, from the Marlboro Man on upward. Women have had fewer and they are more remote—say, the Sphinx—so we have had to work harder to cultivate our laconic sides. It took women a long time to get into the space program because astronauts have to be laconic.

  HE MEANT:

  laconic adj. spare of speech.

  SHE MEANT:

  lady n. what you know you’ve become when people start to call you “ma’am.”

  HE MEANT:

  lady n. a woman who is gracious when a man holds a door for her—and who occasionally holds one for him.

  SHE MEANT:

  lag n. an inexplicable delay in a conversation or personal appearance.

  HE MEANT:

  lag v. to straggle. A way to get others to do things for you. Steve liked to lag behind when it came time to do dishes.

  SHE MEANT:

  laid v. past participle of lay. Often leads to another action: eggs are laid by birds so they can later hatch; coffins are laid by pallbearers so they can later rest in peace; foundations of guilt are laid by loved ones so they can annoy you for an eternity.

  HE MEANT:

  laid v. past participle of lay. What every young man wants to get for Christmas.

  SHE MEANT:

  language n. a system of communication that separates humanity from animals, adults from infants, and people from each other. As this dictionary indicates, it’s miraculous these days if anyone understands anyone at all.

  HE MEANT:

  language n. 1. a way to sway a woman, to the point at which you will no longer need words. 2. later: a means of introducing confusion to a perfectly good sex life.

  SHE MEANT:

  lasting adj. enduring, like faith in the undependable, love for the recently imprisoned, or a blemish at the worst possible time.

  HE MEANT:

  lasting adj. durable, as the impact of the Beatles.

  SHE MEANT:

  late adj. Not early. There are different degrees of this. Slightly late is when you think they might have forgotten to meet you. Very late is when you start to think they were in an accident. Abominably late is when you start to wish they were in an accident.

  HE MEANT:

  late adj. tardy. If you plan to be this in general, it is best to start off that way, so your tardiness will not seem a loss of love. “But honey, I’m always late! Ask Sylvia, or Dawn!” Also: what you hope your girlfriend will never be. It may be avoided: SeeLATEX.

  SHE MEANT:

  latex n. what condoms are made of when they are not made of intestines.

  HE MEANT:

  latex n. a substance that blocks semen, syphilis, and sensation.

  SHE MEANT:

  laugh n. warm throaty sound that can mean “I love your jokes,” “I hate your jokes, but I was raised to be polite,” or “I want to bear your, children.”

  HE MEANT:

  laugh n. inarticulate sound expressing mirth or derision, but best explained as mirth. “Oh,” said Lloyd, “it’s not your outfit—I was laughing at a joke I heard yesterday and only just now understood.”

  SHE MEANT:

  leader n. an individual with enough charisma for the whole group.

  HE MEANT:

  leader n. head of the followers. What you may become if you are a very good follower. Or a very poor one.

  SHE MEANT:

  league n. any organization that encourages members to pledge their lives to sustaining its glory. Examples include the Ivy League, the National Football League, and the Junior League.

  HE MEANT:

  league n. an abstract organization, above which float the women you most desire. Forget it, man, she’s out of your league.

  SHE MEANT:

  leer 1. v. to gaze and drool at the same time. 2. n. a sleazy smile that is unwelcome unless the leeree is in a particularly good mood.

  HE MEANT:

  leer n. what an admiring glance is called, by one who does not receive it.

  SHE MEANT:

  legs n. pl. objects to be admired and hence tortured—waxed, shaved, depilated, tanned, freeze-dried, and moisturized.

  HE MEANT:

  legs 1. adj. the potential to last. “Does their marriage have legs?” 2. n. pl. parts of the body often covered by people who are cold, shy, or heavy. “I don’t know, but his wife certainly has legs.”

  SHE MEANT:

  lesbian n. 1. what a woman who falls in love with women calls herself. 2. what a man calls a woman who isn’t paying attention to him.

  HE MEANT:

  lesbian n. a woman whose rejection you don’t have to take personally.

  SHE MEANT:

  liaison n. 1. a person forced to run back and forth between two other people who are too stubborn to get along with each other. 2. v. to liase: to make everyone get along. A chic verb found only in fantasies and résumés.

  HE MEANT:

  liaison n. a polite word (because French) to describe a sexual affair.

  SHE MEANT:

  libation n. 1. a serious drink. 2. the pouring of a serious drink to honor a deity. These days, they don’t make deities like they used to. But the drinks are still the same.

  HE MEANT:

  libation n. a polite word (because religious) to describe booze.

  SHE MEANT:

  life n. 1. a series of choices. 2. an opportunity to grow and love.

  HE MEANT:

  life n. 1. a series of demands. 2. an opportunity to grow and die.

  SHE MEANT:

  light n. 1. source of illumination. 2. a term used to describe one’s love, as in “Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins” or “You light up my life.” 3. not heavy or ponderous. Jan tried to focus on light spa cuisine.

  HE MEANT:

  light adj. not heavy or ponderous. What a relationship feels like when you don’t have to talk about it.

  SHE MEANT:

  like v. to love a little.

  HE MEANT:

  like adj. similar to.

  SHE MEANT:

  limbo n. an in-between state, sometimes also known as agony.

  HE MEANT:

  limbo n. an in-between state, closer to heaven than to hell. Sleeping together, without a regular appointment.

  SHE MEANT:

  linear adj. an argument that proceeds in a straight line. A person who turns the key in a consistent precise direction without jiggling it, never changes the subject in a way that make
s you blink, and always puts the same sweater on the same hanger. Then there are associative people. It’s easier for them to understand linears than for the linears to understand them.

  HE MEANT:

  linear adj. the type of thinking that involves thoughts that connect. Such thinking is often scorned by drug abusers and radical feminists, who have either lost the ability or never had it.

  SHE MEANT:

  listen v. to hear with care.

  HE MEANT:

  listen v. to sit still and take in words and emotions, and pretend that all of them are necessary.

  SHE MEANT:

  liver n. body part near the heart that is uglier and even more affected by alcoholic bouts.

  HE MEANT:

  liver n. one who has not died. This one’s a liver.

  SHE MEANT:

  loneliness n. a sense of isolation one can experience even if one is in a room with hundreds of people or in bed with one.

  HE MEANT:

  loneliness n. a “sensitive” way to describe the desire for sex.

  SHE MEANT:

  longing n. desire that goes on and on. And on.

  HE MEANT:

  longing n. nostalgia for the future.

  SHE MEANT:

  loss n. the departure of a loved one, by death or ingratitude.

  HE MEANT:

  loss n. the departure of a win, by weakness or ineptitude.

  SHE MEANT:

  love n. a word to avoid like the plague unless he’s already used it several times—and you have it on tape.

  HE MEANT:

  love v. to like a lot.

  SHE MEANT:

  love affair n. a relationship so good that it has all the wonder of love and all the excitement of an affair.

  HE MEANT:

  love affair n. a strong enthusiasm, as for a team. Steve reminisced about his unhappy love affair with the Boston Red Sox.

  SHE MEANT:

  love at first sight n. when destiny places two people across the room from each other and arranges for them to find each other exceptionally attractive. How destiny manages this, no one knows, but dating services everywhere are trying to find out. Love at first sight is sometimes considered a superstition; people ask “Do you believe in love at first sight?” as if it is akin to believing in religious epiphany. Like religious epiphany, those who believe already experienced it themselves, and all others will have to wait their turn.

  HE MEANT:

  love at first sight n. exaggerated lust.

  SHE MEANT:

  lowest common denominator n. a term good for explaining fractions or ingrates.

  HE MEANT:

  lowest common denominator n. the lowest factor that all members of a set have in common. For men, the ability to put out a small fire by urinating.

  SHE MEANT:

  loyalty n. utter fidelity. An emotional issue. You can look at the girl in the skin cream commercial, as long as you’re thinking about us. That’s why we’ll ask men what they were thinking during sex. There is a right answer.

  HE MEANT:

  loyalty n. 1. what she wants from you, once you’ve made a “commitment.” 2. what you expect from her, without any such formality.

  SHE MEANT:

  lucky adj. a compliment one gets when one is actually skilled.

  HE MEANT:

  lucky adj. what having sex used to mean you’d gotten. Now the lucky one may be a virus.

  M

  SHE MEANT:

  machocracy n. government by those who feel the need to show off.

  HE MEANT:

  machocracy n. what women call it when a country is not run by a queen.

  SHE MEANT:

  madam n. a charming female pimp who can get into more trouble for selling sex than anyone ever seems to get into for buying it.

  HE MEANT:

  madam n. a term polite of address, but not of description.

  SHE MEANT:

  makeup n. a dissembling art invented by the ancient Egyptians that caters to female creativity and self-hatred in one stroke.

  HE MEANT:

  make-up n. a deception to which a man will object less, the more it is needed.

  SHE MEANT:

  man n. a willful being who opposes what he loves and loves what he opposes; who can provide a pillow in the space between his neck and his shoulder; who despises vulnerability in himself but loves it in a woman; who shows his thoughts in his face and keeps his feelings in his heart.

  HE MEANT:

  man 1. n. someone who protects what’s his, knows how to please a partner, and either holds a job or doesn’t need to. 2. v. to take over and operate. Man the harpoons!

  SHE MEANT:

  marriage n. an excellent way to remove oneself from the indignities and atrocities of the dating scene; the process of reciting arcane vows so you can feel holy and reputable in the eyes of the church, the state, and the people next door.

  HE MEANT:

  marriage n. state of being that gives adulthood a bad name. Just when you have freed yourself from one family, you are expected to jump into another. Then you must stay with the same woman for the rest of your life, even though she may become less attractive and may stop loving you.

  SHE MEANT:

  marry v. to make your alarmingly slavish devotion to your mate official.

  HE MEANT:

  marry v. to enter into a relationship with a woman in which you both promise never to leave or cheat.

  SHE MEANT:

  martini n. a drink popularized by James Bond. Since then, men have needed to order this drink, and women have listened to see whether the man asks for shaken or stirred.

  HE MEANT:

  martini n. mark of manhood, among the crowd that remembers Dick Butkus.

  SHE MEANT:

  martyr n. one who excels at suffering bleak tragedies. A talent that comes in handy during wars and legal disputes. On the plus side, martyrs do get to avoid confrontation. That and its poignant nobility have made women especially reliable martyrs.

  HE MEANT:

  martyr n. a person who sacrifices present desires, trusting that they will later be repaid. Religious martyrs can wait until death; other varieties are less patient.

  SHE MEANT:

  massacre n. the point during a fight when you say or do things you will never be able to take back.

  HE MEANT:

  massacre n. 1. a literal slaughter. 2. a massive victory in sports—though the term is not often used when the losing team is the “Redskins” or “Braves,” because of the unfortunate echoes of Sense 1.

  SHE MEANT:

  masturbation adj. the ultimate proof of the old saw—sometimes if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.

  HE MEANT:

  masturbation n. like nose-picking and journal-keeping, an activity hidden first from one’s family, then from one’s roommates, then from one’s spouse. Cheap, quick, and safe, it can take you through many a dry stretch. “What’s wrong with masturbation?” asked Woody Allen. “It’s sex with someone I love.”

  SHE MEANT:

  materials n. pl. building blocks of inexplicable importance to men. It seems irrelevant, when something has already turned into something else, to inquire what it used to be. But they will.

  HE MEANT:

  materials n. pl. things that may help build or fix something. What a man needs, in addition to skill, muscle, and tenacity. A woman just needs a man with those things.

  SHE MEANT:

  mature v. to ripen. The cruel irony of life is that women mature faster but hit their sexual peak later than men. They are therefore completely at odds with guys their own age, and are forced to look elsewhere.

  HE MEANT:

  mature adj. in behavior and bearing, resembling a librarian. Until women go for librarians in droves, men will avoid appearing mature.

  SHE MEANT:

  maturity n. a state to attain as quickly as possible by emulating nearby grown-ups.

  HE MEANT:


  maturity n. a quality often praised, but rarely rewarded.

  SHE MEANT:

  maybe adv. what men say when they mean yes. See PREFACE.

  HE MEANT:

  maybe adv. a way to avoid “commitment.”

  SHE MEANT:

  mea culpa n. Latin for “it’s all my fault.”

  HE MEANT:

  mea culpa n. Latin for “I did it, okay? So let’s shut up, and move on.”

  SHE MEANT:

  measurements n. pl. numerical appraisals adored by men. If he asks you for your measurements, only agree to share them if he tells you whether he’s measured himself and what the result was.

  HE MEANT:

  measurements n. pl. figures useful when constructing a house, driving a truck under a bridge, and choosing among a variety of strip clubs.

  SHE MEANT:

  message n. an important series of thoughts left on a refrigerator or answering machine. Perhaps women would leave shorter messages if men promised to finish listening to the whole message before erasing it.

  HE MEANT:

  message n. a way for others to communicate with you from a distance. Superior to a direct conversation, because a message is more easily ignored.

  SHE MEANT:

  midlife n. a point when a woman realizes half her life is over, starts to experience hot flashes and cold sweats, and wonders if she has become a sufficiently deep and spiritual person. If she wonders aloud, tell her she has.

  HE MEANT:

  midlife n. a time of crisis, when a man tries to live the way he dreamed of living as a teenager, but couldn’t, because the women he wanted went for older guys who had money.

  SHE MEANT:

  mind-reading n. essential telepathic ability. A talent to develop. It requires focusing on others and imagining their thoughts. Can make you a great guesser and allow you to please more of the people more of the time.