He Meant, She Meant Read online

  HE MEANT:

  gut n. in its singular form, a paunch. She bad quite a gut. In its plural form, reservoirs of courage. But he didn’t have the guts to point that out.

  SHE MEANT:

  guy n. a term once reserved for a friendly competent man, until women realized they had no equivalent and took the plural form for themselves. So it is now likely for a woman to say to a group of her girlfriends “I have to tell you guys something” if she’s being serious. If she’s being sarcastic, she’ll still say, “I have to tell you girls something.” That’s just how it is.

  HE MEANT:

  guy n. a man without pretensions. Warning: when someone says “Hey, I’m just an ordinary guy,” run.

  SHE MEANT:

  gynecocracy n. Government by women, which would be incredibly efficient. As Margaret Thatcher noted, “In politics, if you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.”

  HE MEANT:

  gynecocracy n. government run by doctors who specialize in “women’s issues.”

  H

  HISTORY OF THE MALE AND FEMALE LANGUAGES

  Like Hungarian and Finnish, French and Portuguese, Sanskrit and Latin, the Male and Female languages have common roots. In fact they started out as one language thousands of years ago. But early on, Eve and Adam stopped being able to agree on names for anything, and the two languages have been going in separate directions ever since. Adam liked words to be as long as possible; Eve enjoyed abbreviations. Eve strung together longer sentences, while Adam glared at her to get to the point.

  Both languages began as a way of expressing eternal truths. Then they ran into a few obstacles, like Adam, Eve, hormones, oppression by the fashion industry, and theoretical thinking. The revelation of modernism was that one truth lay in art. The revelation of postmodernism was that several truths lay in politics. The revelation of this book is that there is one great truth, but girls and boys have different words for it. Which leaves us both wondering what that truth may be.

  —JLB

  SHE MEANT:

  habituation n. the state of having grown accustomed to a situation until it begins to molder. Not good for romance, because romance doesn’t molder very well.

  HE MEANT:

  habituation n. the state of having grown so accustomed to a stimulus (“Lloyd, can you PLEASE take out the garbage?”) that it no longer evokes anxiety (or action).

  SHE MEANT:

  had v. manipulated. Melinda hoped Steve wouldn’t feel had.

  HE MEANT:

  had v. to have experienced sexual intercourse with. Steve knew he’d feel fine, once he’d had Melinda.

  SHE MEANT:

  hair n. the physical feature that sets the tone for the day.

  HE MEANT:

  hair n what you want on your chest, as a teenager. As an adult, you want it back on your head.

  SHE MEANT:

  hairline n. the one body part women worry about less than men.

  HE MEANT:

  hairline n. like love, a thing you take for granted until it recedes.

  SHE MEANT:

  hairstyle n. a situation to change constantly if you’re a public figure who wants people to think well of you or a private one who feels restless. When you’re at peace with yourself, any hairstyle will do.

  HE MEANT:

  hairstyle n. what hairdressers and women call a haircut.

  SHE MEANT:

  half n. One of two equal parts of a whole. Other hall significant other. This term comes from Plato’s theory that men and women were originally one creature who split in two, and are now condemned to spend our lives looking for the person who used to be attached to us. A flawed theory. (Plato clearly didn’t date much, because then he would have known you have to be complete by yourself first before you can bear to meet anyone else.)

  HE MEANT:

  half n. 1. fifty percent. 2. Better half: How a man refers to his wife, relieved that she has taken on the dirty work of being kind and considerate. This frees him to follow his instincts.

  SHE MEANT:

  hand n. willingness to become someone’s spouse. He asked for her hand. (Gender-specific. Although women do propose to men, we never ask for their “hand.” Perhaps because it’s less likely to be manicured.)

  HE MEANT:

  hand n. a tool for getting what you want, until you find a spouse.

  SHE MEANT:

  handholding n. an indication of mutual regard and trust; a bonding experience.

  HE MEANT:

  handholding n. helping someone who isn’t doing his job.

  SHE MEANT:

  handsome adj. describes a man who’s fun to look at but not fun to date.

  HE MEANT:

  handsome adj. appealing to women. Those whose faces are not handsome may feel impelled to earn a handsome salary.

  SHE MEANT:

  hapless adj. impossible to offend. Hapless people do not understand signals that they should leave you alone, like not returning their calls or walking backward when you run into them.

  HE MEANT:

  hapless adj. lacking hap. (“Hap” is Spanish for “clue.”)

  SHE MEANT:

  happened v. a soothing, karmic explanation for anything. I don’t know, it just happened.

  HE MEANT:

  happened v. a shoddy way to avoid responsibility. “What do you mean, ‘It just happened’?”

  SHE MEANT:

  happiness n. the attainment of bliss.

  HE MEANT:

  happiness n. the absence of misery.

  SHE MEANT:

  happy adj. 1. anxiety-free, successful, and desired. 2. capable of giving and receiving love.

  HE MEANT:

  happy adj. 1. inebriated. 2. (more advanced) capable of receiving and withholding love.

  SHE MEANT:

  hate n. what love turns into when it sours. Sort of like mayonnaise turning into green mold, but more alarming. Try to clean out the fridge first.

  HE MEANT:

  hate n. what you feel toward people when they think they’re better than you are—and you agree.

  SHE MEANT:

  have v. to possess, for the rest of time. Melinda had to have Steve.

  HE MEANT:

  have v. to possess, for the rest of the afternoon. If Melinda was also Bubbles, Steve just had to have them. Uh, her.

  SHE MEANT:

  headache n. sinus pain caused by stress, flu, or too much TV. Relieved by aspirin or love letters.

  HE MEANT:

  headache n. any obstacle to happiness.

  SHE MEANT:

  health n. 1. physical vigor and soundness, caused by buying exercise tapes, eating cantaloupe, and drinking diet soda. 2. mental soundness: a sudden feeling of calm that involves dessert.

  HE MEANT:

  health n. the absence of disease. May include a sense of well-being, if you’re not part of Western culture.

  SHE MEANT:

  heart n. an organ crucial to love-making and decisionmaking.

  HE MEANT:

  heart n. the part of your body that pumps the blood and quits when it gets clogged.

  SHE MEANT:

  heartbreak n. a state that occurs when someone has stomped all over your emotions and left them in a crumpled little pile. At least it means you have a functioning heart, which not everyone does. SeeHEARTLESS.

  HE MEANT:

  heartbreak n. a state that occurs when the person by whom you set your inner clock breaks away and you can’t remember how, or why, to reset it.

  SHE MEANT:

  heartless adj. unfeeling, remorseless, cruel. Heartless behavior is usually in the eye of the beholder. When Lloyd accused Anne of being heartless, she said no, she was just busy.

  HE MEANT:

  heartless adj. what a woman proves herself to be when she doesn’t give you what you want. The prettier she is, the more likely you are to notice this quality.

  SHE MEANT:

  heartthrob n. a man who pre
fers a mirror to a conversation.

  HE MEANT:

  heartthrob n. a male celebrity women find attractive.

  SHE MEANT:

  heels n. pl. shoe adjuncts that strengthen your calf muscles, make you taller, incite passion, and ultimately destroy your ligaments and your ability to wear sneakers.

  HE MEANT:

  heels n. pl. 1. an aphrodisiac right up there with the lowcut blouse and the miniskirt. 2. what women used to call the men who responded to such signals by salivating.

  SHE MEANT:

  heliolatry n. sun worship. Practiced by ancient Egyptians and recent Californians. As in all religions, there is a trade-off. But instead of giving up fun now to get to paradise later, you get the paradise first and wrinkles and melanoma afterward.

  HE MEANT:

  heliolatry n. the worship of blondes.

  SHE MEANT:

  hell n. supposedly a place of fires and damnation, but actually an emotional experience. Any location can become a personal hell. Milton said, “The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.” Milton knew what he was talking about.

  HE MEANT:

  hell n. 1. a loneliness too profound to discuss, for fear of showing weakness or a lack of independence. 2. the state of having a penis and no place to put it.

  SHE MEANT:

  hero n. an ideal specimen of manhood, as exemplified by the feats of the heroic age in the fifth century BC. They just don’t make ’em like they used to.

  HE MEANT:

  hero n. a prominent figure, with access to babes galore.

  SHE MEANT:

  heroine n. a woman whose sacrifice of everything is actually noted.

  HE MEANT:

  heroine n. a woman who is admired by women.

  SHE MEANT:

  herstory n. a hip, quasi-feminist way to say “history.” A term considered by some to have a male bias, since it contains the word “his”; but in actuality, “history” derives from the French word for “story”—“histoire”— while “herstory” sounds suspiciously like “her store.” you want to be sexually correct, there are better words to choose from.

  HE MEANT:

  herstory n. a word invented to remind us that Ancient Rome was co-ed.

  SHE MEANT:

  hexaemeron n. the six days of creation. God was so efficient in that brief time that many others have since been inspired to leave huge amounts of work till the last minute.

  HE MEANT:

  hexaemeron n. proof that even God takes Sundays off to watch football.

  SHE MEANT:

  high 1. n. a peak that balances a low. 2. adj. on drugs or inexplicably happy without them.

  HE MEANT:

  high 1. n. a peak that leads to a low. 2. adj. manic.

  SHE MEANT:

  hint n. a wonderfully understated suggestion. Understanding hints, no matter how delicate, is a sign of pure intelligence.

  HE MEANT:

  hint n. a form of communication that allows the recipient to guess what is wanted. To hint is a sign of weakness. A general does not give his colonel a hint.

  SHE MEANT:

  hip 1. adj. trendy; cool; whatever the latest thing is. 2. n. an emblem of womanhood, fertility, and understanding how to use a belt.

  HE MEANT:

  hip n. Something cool to hold on to, or to watch as it walks away.

  SHE MEANT:

  his adj. 1. anything belonging to him, or anything he thinks belongs to him. 2. in case of divorce, anything that’s left when the proceedings are over.

  HE MEANT:

  his adj. anything belonging to another man, until it becomes “yours.”

  SHE MEANT:

  history n. the story of the past, which may be either instructive or embarrassing, and tends to weigh a lot. George Eliot wrote, “The happiest women, like the happiest nations, have no history.”

  HE MEANT:

  history n. the record of traceable public occurrences, and theories of their influence. Henry Ford said, “History is bunk.” But Henry Ford is now history. By his own admission, then Henry Ford is bunk.

  SHE MEANT:

  hobby n. a favorite sideline. Impotent men were Phoebe’s hobby.

  HE MEANT:

  hobby n. an activity that gives meaning to free time. Lloyd admitted to himself that his favorite hobby was adultery.

  SHE MEANT:

  hold v. to grasp, tightly, as if you never want to let go. 2. n. on hold: a state of limbo. 3. to put on hold: a technique used by indecisive shoppers. Phoebe couldn’t decide whether the skirt was too short to wear in front of her psychoanalysis patients, so she asked the salesman to put it on hold.

  HE MEANT:

  hold 1. n. on hold: on the phone, a state in which you may put someone with whom you don’t really want to talk. 2. v. in person, what you do to someone with whom you don’t only want to talk.

  SHE MEANT:

  homosexual n. a man who loves men but completely understands women, probably because he knows what it’s like to love men.

  HE MEANT:

  homosexual n. a woman who loves women and understands men all too well.

  SHE MEANT:

  honesty n. not the best policy. If you want to get your lover out of the house, give him wedding ultimatums. If you want him to commit, tell him you’re feeling pangs of lust for your friend Hal. Hal does not have to be a real person.

  HE MEANT:

  honesty n. not the best policy. If you tell a woman too soon of your fantasies about her, she’ll never act them out. And if you tell her of your fantasies about others?—anyway, just don’t.

  SHE MEANT:

  hope n. 1. what keeps us going when we would otherwise flounder. 2. what keeps us in denial when we would otherwise mature.

  HE MEANT:

  hope n. the remainder, when you subtract reality from a person’s opinions. Woody Allen said, “Marriage is the death of hope”; all that’s left is reality.

  SHE MEANT:

  horripilation n. goosebumps. Suzanne sometimes wondered if horripilation was the same as love, and how old she would have to be before she found out.

  HE MEANT:

  horripilation n. goosebumps, brought on in a woman by gentle caresses, and by jumping out from behind a wall and shouting, “Boo!” Tony wondered if horripilation meant a woman loved him—and decided it probably did.

  SHE MEANT:

  hot adj. 1. extremely warm. 2. unremittingly attractive. Both kinds can lead to unpleasant amounts of sweating.

  HE MEANT:

  hot adj. the type of woman who won’t talk to you. If you test this out, and she continues not to talk, you get to call her “cold.”

  SHE MEANT:

  househusband n. a man who cooks, cleans, sews, and takes care of the kids while his spouse pursues her wordly ambitions. Does not have to wear an apron, but usually does so in the movies.

  HE MEANT:

  househusband n. a good deal. You stay home, eat, shop, and play with the kids. She deals with angry bosses, customers, and underlings, and pronounces herself “fulfilled.” Try not to laugh; you’ll blow everything.

  SHE MEANT:

  housewife n. an unsalaried, overworked professional who manages a household and any mental stability it may contain. Does the same chores as a househusband, but receives less applause and congratulation.

  HE MEANT:

  housewife n. a female househusband.

  SHE MEANT:

  housework n. unpaid domestic servitude. Depending on the woman, these chores can either be complete drudgery or a soothing process. You can tell by looking at her house which one it is. In any case, whether the place sparkles or whether she is doing the bare minimum to keep from starving, housework means chores involving lots of male objects (dusters, brooms, plungers) but few actual men.

  HE MEANT:

  housework n. the labor of cleaning and maintaining a domicile. What professional men are now told they should equally share, while continuing
to pay most of the mortgage.

  SHE MEANT:

  hug n. an act boys can’t tolerate, but men learn to master.

  HE MEANT:

  hug v. to become snug, as in a car hugging a curb.

  SHE MEANT:

  human adj. the world’s worst excuse. Don’t say “I’m only human” unless you want your mate to leave you for an android. Humanity is just not an unusual enough character trait to make for a decent explanation.

  HE MEANT:

  human adj. having the same desires as a chimpanzee, but a greater capacity for denial.

  SHE MEANT:

  humble adj. aware that boasting is distasteful.

  HE MEANT:

  humble adj. aware that one has nothing to boast about.

  SHE MEANT:

  hungry adj. empty—when food or tears seem the only options.

  HE MEANT:

  hungry adj. ambitious—a state often brought on by an empty stomach.

  SHE MEANT:

  hunk n. in the early 1800s, this term referred to a fat or large person. Then some oversized men got together to rewrite a few dictionaries, and voila—now it means a handsome man with a well-developed body.

  HE MEANT:

  hunk n. a thick wad, as of cheese or bread.

  SHE MEANT:

  hunting v. looking in a predatory way for items such as lost earrings or the right word. Hunting for men is not advisable because one only finds them when one is least expecting it. Not even Diana, goddess of the hunt, hunted for men. She turned them into animals first.