He Meant, She Meant Read online

  SHE MEANT:

  flare v. 1. to enlarge around the edges, as certain skirts and nostrils do when provoked. 2. to flare up: to explode and yell mean things. Melinda hoped Steve wouldn’t flare up when she told him the truth.

  HE MEANT:

  flare n. what you ignite when your car breaks down.

  SHE MEANT:

  flat tire n. the one thing men are good at changing.

  HE MEANT:

  flat tire n. 1. deflated rubber tube that someone, usually a man, must fix. 2. a discombobulation produced by stepping on the back of someone’s shoe, so his foot pops out and crushes the back of the shoe on the next step. Fun at slow parties.

  SHE MEANT:

  flexible adj. 1. thrilled at the idea of changing course to accommodate others. 2. skilled at doing splits.

  HE MEANT:

  flexible adj. what a woman asks you to be when you’ve been foolish enough to tell her you don’t want to do what she wants you to want to do. “Can’t you be more flexible?” Jan asked Lloyd when he declined her subtle invitation to the museum. Lloyd decided no, he couldn’t be.

  SHE MEANT:

  flimsy adj. easily proven wrong. Lloyd gave Jan a flimsy excuse about where he had been.

  HE MEANT:

  flimsy adj. easily pushed aside. Lloyd bad been buying some flimsy lingerie for Anne.

  SHE MEANT:

  fling n. any sexual relationship lasting less than a week.

  HE MEANT:

  fling v. to throw, as a Frisbee.

  SHE MEANT:

  flip v. to flip— to freak out, to crumble under duress, to lose it. Jan flipped when she heard Lloyd’s excuse. 2. to turn over, as in cooking. Jan flipped the pancakes expertly when she heard Lloyd’s excuse, so expertly that he did not notice she had flipped. 3. to toss to the side, as in hair. Jan was sure that Lloyd’s mistress was the redhead she saw at his office party, the type who in grade school would have sat with those girls who flipped their hair in sync during assembly. 4. adj. dry, sardonic, nonchalant. Jan tried to think of something flip to say, but nothing came to mind.

  HE MEANT:

  flip v. to display, as a finger. Lloyd had an unaccountable impulse to flip Jan the bird.

  SHE MEANT:

  flirtation n. the process of expressing one’s attraction to people by getting them more interested in you than you are in them.

  HE MEANT:

  flirtation n. a platonic affair. Occasionally followed by the Aristotelian kind.

  SHE MEANT:

  floozy n. what a bimbo turns into at night.

  HE MEANT:

  floozy n. a woman who enjoys sex enough to have it for free.

  SHE MEANT:

  food n. a source of obsession; a source of comfort; a source of calories.

  HE MEANT:

  food n. 1. source of sustenance. 2. source of pleasure. 3. source of energy, enabling you to work long enough to afford more sustenance.

  SHE MEANT:

  force1. n. gravitational pull or intellectual strength. 2. v. to force an issue to cause a decision to be made by glaring at someone.

  HE MEANT:

  force 1. n. physical power. 2. v. to force an issue to cause a decision to be made by showing a weapon.

  SHE MEANT:

  forget v. to experience memory lapse. Like denial, only more efficient.

  HE MEANT:

  forget v. what people really want you to do when they ask you to forgive.

  SHE MEANT:

  forgive v. to let bygones be bygones. Saints are good at this.

  HE MEANT:

  forgive v. to make your anger less obvious.

  SHE MEANT:

  formal adj. 1. clothing that can make anyone seem good-looking. 2. the repression of emotions, as in Emily Dickinson’s observation: “After great pain, a formal feeling comes.”

  HE MEANT:

  formal n. a dance or dinner where the men try to look the same and the women try not to.

  SHE MEANT:

  forward adj. 1. uninhibited, bold, or intoxicated. 2. in a forward-moving direction. The women’s movement crept forward slowly.

  HE MEANT:

  forward adj. where you should always say your relationship is heading.

  SHE MEANT:

  frank adj. what people ask you for permission to be before they insult you.

  HE MEANT:

  frank n. a hot dog.

  SHE MEANT:

  free adj. able to say or do whatever one wants.

  HE MEANT:

  free adj. able to see or do whatever one wants.

  SHE MEANT:

  freedom n, the knowledge that one can choose to do what one pleases in a variety of arenas. Has nothing to do with trekking around or even leaving the house. May involve decorating the house.

  HE MEANT:

  freedom n. the illusion that your behavior is not constrained by society. Fostered by alcohol.

  SHE MEANT:

  friend n. a person who consoles you or shares your joy; who accompanies you on fruitless missions; who borrows things but returns them promptly.

  HE MEANT:

  friend n. a person to whom you try not to complain—but when you do, he knows just what you mean.

  SHE MEANT:

  friendly adj. effusive, communicative, open. Anyone who mistakes friendly for flirty should get a life. SeeFRIEND.

  HE MEANT:

  friendly adj. warm and open. Not the masculine ideal. A man who is “friendly” is trying to prove that he’s different from other men. Don’t believe him.

  SHE MEANT:

  fruity adj. 1. sugary; having an artificial flavor or a sweet fragrance. 2. eccentric.

  HE MEANT:

  fruity adj. probably gay.

  SHE MEANT:

  frumpy adj. when your clothes are twenty years older than you are.

  HE MEANT:

  frumpy adj. fat, old, dowdy, or otherwise unappealing.

  SHE MEANT:

  frustration n. the discovery that not everyone shares your world view.

  HE MEANT:

  frustration n. the experience of not having gotten what you wanted.

  SHE MEANT:

  fun n. joy or amusement, no matter how perverse. Phoebe always introduced her ex-husbands to each other at parties, because she thought it would be fun.

  HE MEANT:

  fun n. a source of endorphins. Describing her bedroom habits to Phoebe’s current husband was the ex-husbands’ idea of fun.

  SHE MEANT:

  funny adj. 1. entertaining. “That’s not funny.” 2. strange. After Steve told Melinda the joke he thought was funny, she had a funny look on her face.

  HE MEANT:

  funny adj. 1. causing laughter, because entertaining. “Yes, it is, it’s totally funny.” 2. causing laughter, because embarrassing. Steve laughed, explaining how funny he found it that he had tried that joke on three women, none of whom laughed, while men seemed to find it hilarious. Melinda’s funny look remained.

  SHE MEANT:

  future n. 1. a time in one’s career that fascinates men, who want to know where one plans to be then instead of where one is now. 2. a time in all relationships when problems suddenly vanish. 3. a time in that special relationship to think about on the first date and start planning by the third.

  HE MEANT:

  future n, 1. the time by which you will be closer to death, if not already there. 2. a time that has by definition not arrived. And I won’t know how I’ll feel then about this relationship until it does arrive. So there.

  G

  SHE MEANT:

  games n. pl. things people play until one person gets bored and lets the other one win.

  HE MEANT:

  games n. pl. things people play to find out who is best.

  SHE MEANT:

  garters n. pl. lacy, itchy hosiery attachments that ought to be worn sparingly, and only in situations where one feels guaranteed that one will be disrobing shortly. After her marriage fell apart, Jan started
wearing garters in order to feel attractive, ate lots of fried food, and developed a sudden crush on her co-worker Boris.

  HE MEANT:

  garters n. pl. little-used nowadays. But it’s worth renting Bull Durham to learn how to undo them, just in case.

  SHE MEANT:

  gay adj. attracted to members of the same sex. May confuse members of the opposite sex. When Boris told Jan he was gay, she decided not to ask him out after all.

  HE MEANT:

  gay adj. 1. attracted to members of the same sex. This attraction often worries non-gay members of that sex, who think gays must all be attracted to them. They flatter themselves. 2. archaic. carefree.

  SHE MEANT:

  gaze n. a meaningful look. There is the two-way gaze, better known as “eyelock,” and there is the one-way gaze—really a failed two-way gaze in which the gazee is unimpressed. Still, as Mae West noted, “It is better to be looked over than overlooked.”

  HE MEANT:

  gaze n. a steady look gay men, when looking at another man, often hold longer than straight men—thus, a means of recognition. Straight men tend to look at other men for shorter periods, which makes the other men easier to kill. (Which is why generals don’t want gaze in the military.)

  SHE MEANT:

  gender-neutral adj. the biggest faux pas of the equal rights movement, when having a boy or girl became replaced by the chic practice of having an “it.” While the studies are amusing to read about, it is not suggested that one try it on one’s own children.

  HE MEANT:

  gender-neutral adj. any barbershop that calls itself a “salon,” where the barber calls himself a “stylist” and offers “body waves.”

  SHE MEANT:

  genderalization n. a generalization about gender. Becoming more and more popular, as people discover they are true.

  HE MEANT:

  genderalization n. an assessment based on the theory that genitals mean everything.

  SHE MEANT:

  gentle adj. wonderfully tender and sweet. Boris gave Tim a gentle caress by the watercooler, and Jan understood there was no hope.

  HE MEANT:

  gentle adj. good for a man to be, in bed. But bad for him to appear, out of bed, unless he also has money or just wants to be friends.

  SHE MEANT:

  gentleman n. an old-fashioned man, who opens doors for women because he respects them and also to get a better view of them from behind.

  HE MEANT:

  gentleman n. 1. a man who opens a door for a woman. 2. a man who does not open a door for a woman.

  SHE MEANT:

  get v. 1. to purchase, on a whim. 2. to understand, on a deep level.

  HE MEANT:

  get v. to obtain, as in to grab.

  SHE MEANT:

  glove n. a prop; in Victorian times, you could drop one on the floor to see who liked you enough to pick it up. Contemporary women do not drop gloves. We drop hints.

  HE MEANT:

  glove n. object worn around the hand as protection, making it easier to catch a baseball, swing a golf club, or commit murder.

  SHE MEANT:

  God n. is supposed to be constantly present, all-forgiving, understanding, the source of life—and male. All of these things would be much easier to believe if he were female, or at least an androgynous cloud-animal of some kind.

  HE MEANT:

  God n. The Big Guy, the Head Honcho, Numero Uno. Figure out what He doesn’t want you to do, and then don’t do it. (If He’s a She, you’re in more trouble than you thought.)

  SHE MEANT:

  goddess n. 1. a female deity, overflowing with fruit and benevolence. 2. a woman so desired and worshiped that she can have any man she wants—though that man will probably be afraid to talk to her.

  HE MEANT:

  goddess n. 1. Cindy Crawford. 2. Claudia Schiffer.

  SHE MEANT:

  good adj. 1. angelic. Jan was raised to be a good girl. 2. enjoyable. Nonetheless, Jan enjoyed a good lay. 3. promising. Jan thought the weather forecast looked good; it would rain on the day of her annulment.

  HE MEANT:

  good adj. acceptable. The Red Sox beat the Yankees by a good margin.

  SHE MEANT:

  goofball n. a nutty individual who has managed to become a part of your life. (This is probably your own fault.)

  HE MEANT:

  goofball n. an entertaining nonconformist who seems harmless. “Todd, you’re, like, a total goofball.”

  SHE MEANT:

  gossip n. a way of discussing the nature of life and being, in the guise of discussing other people’s lives.

  HE MEANT:

  gossip v. a way of comparing your life to that of someone who is not there, and deciding yours is better.

  SHE MEANT:

  graceful adj. delicate and sweeping, without stumbling, falling, or taking up too much room.

  HE MEANT:

  graceful adj. thin.

  SHE MEANT:

  grandfather n. a man who is supposed to dispense wisdom but is just as likely to dispense junk food.

  HE MEANT:

  grandfather n. an alternate role model, in case you don’t want to be excatly like your dad.

  SHE MEANT:

  grandmother n. someone you turn into while you’re too busy focusing on not turning into your mother.

  HE MEANT:

  grandmother n. a wonderful woman, who supports your explorations while worrying that the next Great Depression will swamp you.

  SHE MEANT:

  grate v. to shred by friction. Anne, hoping to get Lloyd to grate the cheese, told him how good Paul had been at grating cheese.

  HE MEANT:

  grate v. to shred by friction. Anne’s talk of former lovers had begun to grate on Lloyd’s nerves.

  SHE MEANT:

  greedy adj. desiring attention.

  HE MEANT:

  greedy adj. desiring more than someone else thinks you need.

  SHE MEANT:

  grind v. to sharpen vigorously to make yourself feel better.

  HE MEANT:

  grind v. to undulate in a sexual manner: “She said, ‘How’d you like to waste some time?’/And I could not resist, when I saw little Nikki grind.”— The Artist Then Known As Prince.

  SHE MEANT:

  groom 1. n. The great-looking guy on top of the wedding cake. 2. v. to make oneself better-looking in case one ever needs to stand on top of a wedding cake.

  HE MEANT:

  groom 1. n. a man who cares for several horses, or one woman. 2. v. to pick bugs out of an animal’s fur.

  SHE MEANT:

  grope v. to search for the right word or idea.

  HE MEANT:

  grope v. to fumble around for an object indifferent to your search.

  SHE MEANT:

  grounded adj. in touch with reality, as are women or those who tell the boss how a project really is going. Men prefer saying how the project could be going—they are driven by a need to float beyond earthly things that they consider annoying. Women, considered floatier, are actually far more grounded.

  HE MEANT:

  grounded adj. a word of shifting significance. When a ball is intentionally grounded in football, a penalty ensues. Theories and neurotics, on the other hand, should be grounded, while a teenager would just as soon not be. Finally, it’s good for a high-voltage wire to be grounded, except when it’s grounded through you.

  SHE MEANT:

  guess v. to suddenly realize how much you know.

  HE MEANT:

  guess n. to subtly conceal how little you know.

  SHE MEANT:

  guest n. someone who shows up when invited and brings a gift nice enough to be useful but not so elaborate that a thank-you note becomes necessary.

  HE MEANT:

  guest n. a much easier role than “host”—you don’t have to clean anything but your clothes, you don’t have to keep the conversation flowing, and you can leave.

  SHE MEANT:

  guilt
n. a feeling that one has done something wrong, even if one hasn’t done it.

  HE MEANT:

  guilt n. a feeling that one has done something wrong, even if one wasn’t caught.

  SHE MEANT:

  guilty n. awash with mental self-flagellation. Feeling terribly guilty, Melinda told Steve the truth: that she was actually Bubbles, too.

  HE MEANT:

  guilty adj. deserving of actual flagellation.

  SHE MEANT:

  gullible adj. highly impressionable; a state nourished by love.

  HE MEANT:

  gullible adj. prone to trust. Melinda looked suitably guilty, but Steve still felt gullible; be wondered if her name was really Melinda.

  SHE MEANT:

  gurgle n. a pathetic glugging noise made by inarticulate individuals. Only acceptable in babies, whose spit bubbles can sound so lilting that one is tempted to go on maternity leave just to listen to them for a time.

  HE MEANT:

  gurgle n. sound made by persons so angry they’re choking on their own bile, so sick they’re choking on their own blood, or so young they’re having trouble with saliva.

  SHE MEANT:

  guru n. a spiritual leader. Once restricted to religion, gurus now dominate nutrition, weight-lifting, and interior design.

  HE MEANT:

  guru n. someone who knows what God wants you to give your guru.

  SHE MEANT:

  gush v. to go on and on about wonderful, cute things.

  HE MEANT:

  gush v. something you want an oil well to start doing, and a crying woman to stop doing.

  SHE MEANT:

  gut n. in its singular form, means the seat of intuition. She could feel in her gut that it wasn’t going to work out. In its plural form, the gut doubles as the location of courage. But she didn’t know if she was going to have the guts to say so.