He Meant, She Meant Read online

  HE MEANT:

  blush v. to turn red, at the exact moment you least want to turn red. Mark Twain: “Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.”

  SHE MEANT:

  boast v. to speak so highly of yourself that you alienate those around you.

  HE MEANT:

  boast v. to speak so highly of yourself that you intimidate those around you.

  SHE MEANT:

  boredom n. when you don’t have anything to dote on.

  HE MEANT:

  boredom n. when you can’t go to bed with anyone new.

  SHE MEANT:

  boyfriend n. someone who calls at least every other day and who is available Saturday night. Like a pet, a boyfriend is an all-purpose companion. Though harder to train.

  HE MEANT:

  boyfriend n. a title allowing you the exclusive lease on a specified woman, for an unspecified period of time, including an option to buy. Conditions may vary. See previous lessee for details.

  SHE MEANT:

  bra n. an article of clothing that you long to wear when you don’t need it and long to take off when you do.

  HE MEANT:

  bra n. a protective device that is harder to remove than its counterpart to the south.

  SHE MEANT:

  braggadocio n. how overconfident people refer to their meager talent.

  HE MEANT:

  braggadocio n. how jealous people refer to your self-assessment.

  SHE MEANT:

  breaking up n. an unpleasant process during which you destroy someone’s ego to preserve your own and anything you say may be used against you later, ensuring a permanent separation from a person you adore. Especially painful if the other person snuggles really well.

  HE MEANT:

  breaking up n. thanks to fax machines, no longer as hard to do.

  SHE MEANT:

  breasts n. pl. sensitive fixtures used to enhance clothing, impede running, and nurse infants. May serve as social indicators: one can point them in the direction of the person one would like to be talking to, even if one is talking to someone else. This is known as “body language.” There are people who only seem able to make eye contact with breasts. They are known as “bad dinner companions.”

  HE MEANT:

  breasts n. pl. female appendages, to which infants look for milk. Many of us didn’t get enough, so we keep looking.

  SHE MEANT:

  bride n. a woman about to get married who traditionally wears such extraordinary outfits that she becomes the center of nonstop attention for several days running. This is to compensate for the fact that other men will soon pay her less attention.

  HE MEANT:

  bride n. what you end up with when your emotions get the best of you.

  SHE MEANT:

  bridesmaid n. what you turn into when someone you thought was your best friend gets married and appoints you one of a bevy of personal slaves in hideous identical dresses.

  HE MEANT:

  bridesmaid n. someone to hit on at a wedding: she’s usually vulnerable.

  SHE MEANT:

  brother n. 1. someone to use as target practice. 2. a source of information about boys. 3. a receptacle of information about girls.

  HE MEANT:

  brother n. the guy you could have been, if your sperm had missed your egg. Some love these modified versions of themselves. Others, like Cain, are less thrilled.

  SHE MEANT:

  bull n. 1. apocryphal stories that are designed to impress. 2. an animal whose well-attended slaughter is designed to impress.

  HE MEANT:

  bull n. 1. a strong, silent male. 2. a disingenuous tale.

  SHE MEANT:

  bump v. 1. bump off to murder, with purpose. 2. bump into: to meet, by accident. 3. bump and grind: to twist one’s pelvis, on the dance floor, with purpose.

  HE MEANT:

  bump n. 1. one of the things not to call a breast. 2. a meaningless obstacle. A word that helps reframe the issue, if you are caught cheating. “Honey, this is just a bump on our relationship highway.”

  SHE MEANT:

  burp v. to make a sound after eating. While some cultures consider it rude, other cultures consider it a sign of appreciation for a good meal. Male culture is one of these.

  HE MEANT:

  burp v. to release gas via the mouth, resulting in a feeling of relief. Some people do this aloud, to share their joy.

  SHE MEANT:

  busy adj. utterly swamped unless someone special calls.

  HE MEANT:

  busy adj. utterly swamped unless someone special dies.

  SHE MEANT:

  butch adj. what a woman with traditionally masculine qualities is called. A man with traditionally feminine qualities is called “sensitive.”

  HE MEANT:

  butch adj. a short haircut.

  C

  SHE MEANT:

  call n. a phone call; an intimation of caring; an admission of need; a subtle proclamation of desire or friendship.

  HE MEANT:

  call v. what you should do a few days after fooling around, if you want to do it again.

  SHE MEANT:

  car n. 1. a thing that goes vroom; a way of getting places. 2. an item women notice if it belongs to us. Men notice other people’s cars, and will say, “That’s the same green Chevy that was tailing us two hours ago.” They are not paranoid, just car-conscious.

  HE MEANT:

  car n. something a guy is expected to know about. A no-win: if he knows and cares a lot about cars, she’ll tease him; if the car breaks and he knows nothing, she’ll curse him.

  SHE MEANT:

  career n. an arena for fulfilling potential, helping others, and being judged constantly. Melinda wondered if her new hairstyle would hurt her career.

  HE MEANT:

  career n. fancy word for “job.” Steve wondered if “eternal student” counted as a career.

  SHE MEANT:

  change v. 1. to improve, develop, mature. Lloyd has a few faults, but he will change. 2. to dress in a more appropriate set of clothes. If we go directly from the Plaza to the Nasti Klub, I’m going to have to change.

  HE MEANT:

  change v. something he’s expected to do, for her. Something she’s already done, for him:(Don’t question her on this—it’ll get worse.)

  SHE MEANT:

  channel-surf v. to watch segments of TV shows in an attempt to learn all there is to know and then decide what to watch. Men may change channels in the middle of a sentence as if they aren’t the least bit curious as to how it ends. Lloyd switched channels right after the cop on the dramedy said there was one method of revenge that always worked, and fan never got to find out what it was.

  HE MEANT:

  channel-surf v. to zap between stations. You surf because you can. You surf because no single channel owns you, but you can ride them all. Lloyd wished he could channel-surf between Jan and Anne as easily as between Leno and Letterman.

  SHE MEANT:

  charity n. a place to give your time when you don’t have enough money.

  HE MEANT:

  charity n. a place to give your money when you don’t have enough time.

  SHE MEANT:

  charm v. to behave so adorably that it seems there’s nothing wrong with you.

  HE MEANT:

  charm n. beauty. On Letterman, Cindy Crawford, full of charm, said almost nothing.

  SHE MEANT:

  chaste adj. a state of sexual inactivity and purity. Women used to wear special belts to prove that they were chaste. Now they just wear special frowns.

  HE MEANT:

  chaste adj. virginal. At first she won’t enjoy having sex with you. Then she’ll wonder: Could it be even better, with someone else?

  SHE MEANT:

  cheat v. to behave dishonestly in order to pass a test or leave a relationship.

  HE MEANT:

  cheat v. to behave dishonestly in order to pass a test or maintain a relationship.

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sp; SHE MEANT:

  cheerleader n. a girl who can win a football game using only a few gymnastics, a little skirt, and a big mouth.

  HE MEANT:

  cheerleader n. a pert, healthy young woman who encourages young men to maim each other.

  SHE MEANT:

  child n. something to be for as long as possible, and then to think about having.

  HE MEANT:

  child n. 1. any woman under sixteen. Unwise to date them, unless you are that age, too. And mostly even then. 2. something a woman remembers to want before a man does. “Everything about woman is a riddle, and everything about woman has one solution: pregnancy.”—Friedrich Nietzsche.

  SHE MEANT:

  children n. pl. people to be nurtured, idealized, and loved. Includes offspring and men.

  HE MEANT:

  children n. pl. small versions of adults, with bigger needs. Sometimes, when these come along, a guy will see life in a whole new way. He’ll see that he is no longer needed, except to pay the bills.

  SHE MEANT:

  chocolate n. an essential food with consoling powers. Happily, causes the brain to secrete serotonin—the same chemical it secretes after sex, but without all the bother.

  HE MEANT:

  chocolate n. substance to offer a woman, to get her in the mood.

  SHE MEANT:

  Cinderella n. the woman who started the myth that if you sweep enough floors without complaining, an incredible man will notice you, take you to a big party, and humiliate your most hated relatives.

  HE MEANT:

  Cinderella n. the woman who started the myth that if you marry well, you can skip a few rungs on that pesky corporate ladder. She is the archetype for romance novels, and for the otherwise masculine Boston Red Sox, whose coach never fails to become a pumpkin by October.

  SHE MEANT:

  circumcision n. like ear-piercing, an accepted and encouraged form of minor mutilation best gotten over with early in life.

  HE MEANT:

  circumcision n. painful removal of the foreskin, which may eventually dull the remaining nerves, and so reduce erotic sensation. Which might be just as well—we get enough complaints as it is.

  SHE MEANT:

  circumvent v. to avoid by taking a different route. To see how two completely unrelated subjects are intimately related, especially when you would like to bypass one of them in conversation.

  HE MEANT:

  circumvent v. to go around. What a wily man does to a woman’s sexual defenses, when he is not sufficiently famous for a direct approach. With poems and chocolate and condoms, Tony was ready to circumvent every obstacle. Now all he needed was a date.

  SHE MEANT:

  clam 1. n. an introverted mollusk. 2. v. to clam up: to become exasperatingly quiet; to refuse to discuss the matter at hand; to behave like an introverted mollusk.

  HE MEANT:

  clam n. 1. an uncommunicative man. 2. an obscene, gross, vile designation, which we would never repeat, for female genitalia.

  SHE MEANT:

  clandestine adj. secretive. Clandestine affair: a relationship that can exasperate its participants, turning undemonstrative people into hand-holding nitwits. May cause depression, coldness, and statements like, “My feelings are too advanced for me to be satisfied by my unofficial status.” This is logical and thus not good, because logic will kill the clandestine affair.

  HE MEANT:

  clandestine adj. concealed, as would be a trip to a psychiatrist or a mistress. To say nothing of a psychiatrist’s mistress.

  SHE MEANT:

  clean v. to render pristine. There are several options: find a finicky spouse, find affordable household help (which may hurt your chances of being elected to Congress), or do it yourself.

  HE MEANT:

  clean adj. describing any room you can walk through.

  SHE MEANT:

  clear adj. easy to understand, sometimes so easy to understand that the magic dies. It was clear from his lusty wink that Al wanted Anne.

  HE MEANT:

  clear adj. the opposite of vague. When you feel inarticulate, it’s best to imply that you are being clear, it’s just that your conversational partner has the comprehension level of a moth. Lloyd wondered if he should get up and talk to Al and make everything perfectly clear. Trouble was, it wasn’t clear to Lloyd.

  SHE MEANT:

  cleavage n. a shadowy mirage that can form between breasts. Has a life of its own. Clothes that intensify this phenomenon should be worn sparingly and in desperate situations.

  HE MEANT:

  cleavage n. the space between a woman’s breasts, often including a glimpse of the breasts themselves. A fine place to sleep.

  SHE MEANT:

  climax n. 1. the point in a film when you dig your nails into his arm. 2. the point in bed when you dig your nails into his back.

  HE MEANT:

  climax n. explosion signifying the end of a movie or date. A fine time to sleep.

  SHE MEANT:

  clinch v. to close a deal or confirm an opinion. Melinda had already pretty much decided not to date Parker, but when she saw his zebra rug, that clinched it.

  HE MEANT:

  clinch n. an effective wrestling move. Parker had used the rug often, to practice his Iowa clinch.

  SHE MEANT:

  cling v. 1. to glue oneself to a specific idea, plan, or guy. Not a good idea if you really want to hang on to any of them. 2. to adhere snugly, as in clothing. Melinda refused to buy a skirt that didn’t cling to her thighs. 3. n. static cling: a state of aesthetic disaster caused by invisible but nasty electric particles.

  HE MEANT:

  cling v. to preserve old baseball cards, yearbooks, and photos of ex-girlfriends.

  SHE MEANT:

  close adj. in the same emotional precinct.

  HE MEANT:

  close v. to shut tight, as an inner door on an emotion.

  SHE MEANT:

  close-mouthed adj. speaking-impaired.

  HE MEANT:

  close-mouthed adj. reticent. Don’t confuse it with close-minded.

  SHE MEANT:

  closet n. a place to store clothing, old skis, and latent sexualities. If you have a lot of such things, you may need a walk-in closet.

  HE MEANT:

  closet n. a place to hang jackets and store boxes containing favored issues of Playboy or other things you’re not ready to lose or share.

  SHE MEANT:

  clothes n. pl. the windows of the soul.

  HE MEANT:

  clothes n. pl. the doors of the body.

  SHE MEANT:

  coaching n. special prompting, required by the unathletic and the dense.

  HE MEANT:

  coaching n. physical teaching, ignored by the omniscient and the foolish.

  SHE MEANT:

  codependency n. when you find yourself bribing casino dealers so your honey will win one round of blackjack and take you home.

  HE MEANT:

  codependency n. 1. a term women use when they don’t want to be emotionally supportive. “I don’t want to be codependent, Lloyd,” said Jan, “so I’m going to the movies with Phoebe.” 2. a term men can use when they don’t want to be financially supportive. “I don’t want to be codependent, Jan,” said Lloyd, “so I’m taking the life insurance money to Vegas.”

  SHE MEANT:

  coffee n. brewed caffeine. Kills the appetite. Due to the dieting craze, a popular drink for women. Like a bad lover, coffee makes your heart race, makes you nervous and jittery, and makes you feel you can’t function without it. Any wonder we go back for more?

  HE MEANT:

  coffee n. a beverage that increases inhibitions and keeps you alert. Good for a blind date.

  SHE MEANT:

  cognac n. 1. a cake ingredient. 2. a beverage drunk out of sexy brandy glasses.

  HE MEANT:

  cognac n. expensive but, according to a Russian source, makes up for the price by increasing your potency.

  S
HE MEANT:

  cohabit v. to sacrifice some closet space in order to have him around. A trade-off.

  HE MEANT:

  cohabit v. to obtain exclusive milking rights, with an option to buy the cow.

  SHE MEANT:

  collude v. to act in concert, secretly. Something a man and a woman do, at times, to pretend their relationship is better than it is.

  HE MEANT:

  collude v. to act in concert, secretly. Something a man and a woman do, at times, to pretend their relationship is better than it is.

  SHE MEANT:

  cologne n. perfumed toilet water that is cheaper than perfume and pricier than toilet water. Can enhance the attractiveness of both men and women, as long as couples don’t have a basic cologne conflict.

  HE MEANT:

  cologne n. a scented liquid not intended for use as a deodorant.

  SHE MEANT:

  come v. to arrive, and to realize there’s no going back.

  HE MEANT:

  come v. an action a man may labor hours to induce in a woman, which she may coax from him in minutes, by lying still.

  SHE MEANT:

  comfort n. when you can kick off your shoes; when no one is criticizing you; when you can indulge in as much ice cream as you want.

  HE MEANT:

  comfort n. a feeling of security women offer with their eyes and their words, and men offer with their size and their wallets.

  SHE MEANT:

  commit v. to pay unwarranted attention to someone in case they suddenly become worthy of that attention.

  HE MEANT:

  commit v. to confine a person for a specified period of time, as to a mental institution.

  SHE MEANT:

  commitment n. when you know his shirt size. SeeRELATIONSHIP.