He Meant, She Meant Read online

  HE MEANT:

  action n. better than words. ’Nuff said.

  SHE MEANT:

  actualized v. 1. traditional: to have made real. 2. 1970s: reflexive—to have made oneself real.

  HE MEANT:

  actualized v. a fancy word that could mean just about anything. If someone uses it, demand clarification.

  SHE MEANT:

  addle v. to make crazy via distraction; to provoke, using superior banter or skimpy clothing.

  HE MEANT:

  addle v. to confuse, as by a good combination of punches.

  SHE MEANT:

  admire v. to tell someone nice things, because you’re either genuinely impressed or at a complete loss. Melinda paused to admire her sister-in-law’s hair extensions.

  HE MEANT:

  admire v. to recognize that someone else has a quality you lack, and feel good about them, anyway. Lloyd admired the way Joe Montana threw the football and got back up from being tackled. He also admired the way Cindy Crawford stood still.

  SHE MEANT:

  admit v. to tell yourself or others the truth after a period of denial. Melinda admitted to Robert that she minded that he didn’t mind being an undertaker.

  HE MEANT:

  admit v. 1. to allow someone to enter. Robert bought flowers, hoping they would induce Melinda to admit him. 2. to allow blame to enter. But he knew Melinda would never admit him, if he admitted how often he still played with the late Maria. 3. to allow fear to enter: Whatever happened, he couldn’t admit to himself how much he liked Melinda—because unlike Maria, Melinda could leave.

  SHE MEANT:

  adolescence n. the teenage years, spent doing homework, insulting your parents, finding a prom date, and growing breasts. In trigonometry one day during adolescence, Suzanne told Babs she had grown four bra sizes overnight. Luckily they were studying parabolas, so the girls could sketch them freely.

  HE MEANT:

  adolescence n. when guys find out who they are: cool, or not. The result of this time determines who you can date. Tony quietly believed that if his adolescence had run two more years, he could have become cool.

  SHE MEANT:

  advantage n. inherent superiority, involving excess amounts of knowledge or cleavage.

  HE MEANT:

  advantage n. a feature that will let you win. Robert believed a Porsche would give him a greater advantage with women than would three years of psychotherapy.

  SHE MEANT:

  adventure n. an outing that can be reckless and fun, provided one brings along enough traveler’s checks, first-aid kits, and contraceptives.

  HE MEANT:

  adventure n. a risk-taking act, often resulting in increased blood pressure until the act is over. Robert found that evading commitment while maintaining sex was always an adventure.

  SHE MEANT:

  adversity n. when fate roughs you up. An opportunity to persevere.

  HE MEANT:

  adversity n. hardship. According to Victor Hugo, “Adversity makes men. Prosperity makes monsters.” Of course, prosperity also brings babes.

  SHE MEANT:

  aerobics n. a great way to lose weight while indulging your secret penchant for leopard print leotards.

  HE MEANT:

  aerobics n. like cheerleading, with better music. Good to watch during breaks in weight-lifting. Reminds you of why you lift.

  SHE MEANT:

  afford v. to have so much of something that you can give it away freely. Melinda could only afford to take an hour off from work to break up with Robert.

  HE MEANT:

  afford v. to be able to pay for a thing—and thus for its maintenance and repair, theft and collision insurance, and so on. Steve could afford a date, but not a relationship.

  SHE MEANT:

  afterglow n. the light that remains in the sky after a good sunset, or in the soul after a momentous experience. Sometimes the afterglow is even better than the experience.

  HE MEANT:

  afterglow n. Mmmmmm. That was great. Love you, too, baby, you know I do… good night.

  SHE MEANT:

  aftermath n. when you can finally see an event with stunning clarity because it is over. In the aftermath of Robert, Melinda realized there shouldn’t have been a beforemath.

  HE MEANT:

  aftermath n. a disaster’s denouement. The word you use later, when describing the way you couldn’t stand the sight of the person with whom you just exchanged fluids.

  SHE MEANT:

  afterthought n. an otherwise flattering gesture that can only be construed as insulting because it comes too late.

  HE MEANT:

  afterthought n. the idea that occurs to you when your narcissism has relaxed enough to let your conscience speak. Three weeks later, Robert called to say, “Hey Melinda—here’s an afterthought: I had a really nice time.”

  SHE MEANT:

  aggressive adj. capable of starting a conversation or a war.

  HE MEANT:

  aggressive adj. capable of going for what you want, despite the quailing fear that you will not only fail to get it, but will also be humiliated for trying.

  SHE MEANT:

  agoraphobic n. a bad shopping companion; a cheap date. This word comes from the ancient Greek term for fear of malls.

  HE MEANT:

  agoraphobic n. what you are called by a former psychology major who can’t get you to accompany her to Bloomingdale’s for ten lousy minutes.

  SHE MEANT:

  airhead n. an individual lacking mental ability. Male air-heads are known as “dolts.” For reasons unknown to science, dumb men breathe too little, while dumb women breathe too much, giving them an airy quality.

  HE MEANT:

  airhead n. someone not smart enough to know she’s being seduced.

  SHE MEANT:

  album n. 1. a collection of songs that can be broken if the need arises. 2. a book of photos where you store memories of events, preferably with captions, to prove to yourself that they really happened.

  HE MEANT:

  album n. 1. a style of presenting music, playable on a turntable. Now greatly in decline. 2. a good thing to pretend you want a date to show you. You get to sit close, while she narrates a book filled with photos of her having fun with other men.

  SHE MEANT:

  alliance n. a social or political agreement to get along for the time being even if you secretly hate each other.

  HE MEANT:

  alliance n. a lofty word for “selfishness, multiplied.”

  SHE MEANT:

  alone adj. when no one who understands you is around.

  HE MEANT:

  alone adj. when no one is around.

  SHE MEANT:

  alopecia n. hair loss. Anne sometimes felt that Lloyd was alopecic and trying to overcompensate.

  HE MEANT:

  alopecia n. the loss of hair on one’s upper head. A sign of virility, according to those who suffer it.

  SHE MEANT:

  Amazon n. a woman warrior who owns a good suit of armor and lives without men but can beat them up if they ever drop in. Mythical but entirely possible.

  HE MEANT:

  Amazon n. 1. Archaic. a woman who cut off her breast in order to shoot straight. 2. today, a woman who would sacrifice her femininity to her ambition. Amazons are often admired—by each other.

  SHE MEANT:

  ambition n. an aspiration, best unmentioned. Women once set their ambitions aside for men. Now we set them aside in polite conversation.

  HE MEANT:

  ambition n. what it takes to get ahead; the jockey on your back. As with genital endowment, it’s charming if you seem reluctant to show your ambition. Just be sure you show it—don’t hide your light under a basket.

  SHE MEANT:

  anaclisis n. libidinal/emotional attachment especially on love object based on resemblance to early childhood protective figures. Anne wondered if her relationship with Lloyd was too anaclitic; he reminded her a great deal of h
er favorite uncle, and was in fact old enough to be her favorite uncle.

  HE MEANT:

  anaclisis n. fancy psychological term for why you date women who wear shoes like your Aunt Betsy’s.

  SHE MEANT:

  angelology n. the study of angels, fueled by the hope that everyone we know is really a transcendent being underneath, with little wings and a halo.

  HE MEANT:

  angelology n. the study of all things angelic, beginning with the physical beauty of women. Many see no need to study further.

  SHE MEANT:

  angry adj. how men think women are feeling when they’re having an emotion of any kind.

  HE MEANT:

  angry adj. something a guy has to get, once in a while, publicly, to avoid being dismissed as a “nice guy.”

  SHE MEANT:

  angst n. intense anxiety; dread. Can be an attractive quality if the person also has an accent.

  HE MEANT:

  angst n. a fancy word for “nervousness.”

  SHE MEANT:

  anniversary n. an event that one can fill with meaning if one remembers when it is.

  HE MEANT:

  anniversary n. a burden to remember, a horror to forget.

  SHE MEANT:

  apologize v. to indicate that a predicament is your fault so that the guilty party will admit it was theirs.

  HE MEANT:

  apologize v. to cut an argument short.

  SHE MEANT:

  arousal n. sexual or emotional stimulation. While men hate arousal without consummation, women hate consummation without arousal.

  HE MEANT:

  arousal n. an awareness of anger, lust, fear, or lust.

  SHE MEANT:

  ask v. to indicate that you are not paying attention and need a concept explained again. To ask for—to wonder aloud about an item until it is given to you as a gift.

  HE MEANT:

  ask v. to sacrifice power. To lay in the muck and grovel.

  SHE MEANT:

  assault rifle n. a gun for human beings designed by a man who decided killing animals was fun but insufficient. (The bulletproof vest was invented by a woman.)

  HE MEANT:

  assault rifle n. complement to a pepper rifle, this essential weapon helps a man protect his family from hordes of marauding deer.

  SHE MEANT:

  assertive adj. free of self-doubt and therefore able to instill it in others.

  HE MEANT:

  assertive adj. what a woman is being when—shaking and, in some states, cursing—she finally tells you what she wants. You are expected to congratulate her honesty and satisfy the demand.

  B

  SHE MEANT:

  babe n. an insulting nickname unless used by Lou Reed.

  HE MEANT:

  babe n. a compliment that is rarely taken as one. Go figure.

  SHE MEANT:

  baby n. an infant; the only one in the family who really appreciates baby talk.

  HE MEANT:

  baby n. larval stage of the common adolescent.

  SHE MEANT:

  back n. a body part that is turned toward you when those nearby feel the need to be hostile or to be massaged.

  HE MEANT:

  back n. the part of a woman’s body that neither looks at you nor talks to you. Often lovely.

  SHE MEANT:

  baggage n. stuff people carry into airplanes and marriages, despite all attempts to get them to check it in.

  HE MEANT:

  baggage n. pl. heavy objects you’re expected to carry when traveling with a woman. So it is wise to pack lightly for yourself.

  SHE MEANT:

  bald adj. lacking hair or disguise. When Lloyd told Jan he had a business meeting at 10 P.M., she sensed it was a bald lie.

  HE MEANT:

  bald adj. open and vulnerable. Lloyd was feeling particularly bald that night, as he held Anne.

  SHE MEANT:

  ballroom dancing n. an activity in which women can find Old-World gentility, etiquette, adoration, and flattery—without the political oppression that originally came with those things.

  HE MEANT:

  ballroom dancing n. a decent skill to have. You don’t want to be like Abe Lincoln, who approached Mary Todd with the line, “Miss Todd, I want to dance with you in the worst way.” Mary said later, “And that’s just what he did.” Lincoln was so embarrassed, he married her.

  SHE MEANT:

  bar n. a place where you can meet people who appear to have no idea of their level of attractiveness and may or may not be alcoholics.

  HE MEANT:

  bar n. a place a man goes to stare at distant women and talk to the ones God brings close. While waiting for God to bring more, he can talk about football, and get drunk.

  SHE MEANT:

  basic adj. 1. essential. 2. a shade of black.

  HE MEANT:

  basic adj. a thing that should be obvious. “Steve,” the bartender shouted, “roses for Valentine’s Day is just basic!”

  SHE MEANT:

  beard n. 1. a fashion choice that Santa, Abraham Lincoln, and a handful of other men can pull off with success. The rest should not even try. 2. an early twentieth-century term for “third wheel.”

  HE MEANT:

  beard n. 1. something to grow as soon as you can, if people aren’t giving you respect. 2. Chaucer’s euphemism, pirated by male high school students ever since, for a woman’s pubic hair.

  SHE MEANT:

  beau n. a boyfriend who knows how to waltz.

  HE MEANT:

  beau n. French word meaning “rich boyfriend.”

  SHE MEANT:

  beautiful 1. adj. stirring, lovely. What a beautiful sentiment. 2. A fine compliment, especially effective in noun form. “Hi, beautiful” is guaranteed to topple the most self-assured woman. There is no response. What’s she supposed to answer? “Hello, earthling”?

  HE MEANT:

  beautiful adj. an event or object exalted above the normal range. Carlton Fisk’s home run in the sixth game of the 1975 World Series remains beautiful—it did not even need to be followed by a win in the seventh game. Which was just as well.

  SHE MEANT:

  beauty n. 1. pain. 2. a serene aesthetic quality. 3. A goal to achieve, often associated with hot rollers and pain.

  HE MEANT:

  beauty n. 1. anything pleasing to the senses. Physical beauty is only skin-deep—but that can be plenty.

  SHE MEANT:

  bediquette n. polite conduct for bedroom guests. Includes remembering guests’ names and repeating them occasionally, asking guests if they had a good time, and saying you had one.

  HE MEANT:

  bediquette n. manners made crucial by the greater exposure of guests’ nerves. It is impolite to laugh at another’s endowment. Or to clear one’s throat and spit.

  SHE MEANT:

  best friend n. an individual you telephone daily.

  HE MEANT:

  best friend n. the one you call a few days after breaking up with a woman you love, or as soon as you can keep your voice steady.

  SHE MEANT:

  better adj. what women have to be in order to be considered remotely good.

  HE MEANT:

  better adj. a word describing improved quality but often seen in terms of quantity. This stereo is better for your bedroom because it puts out more decibels; that girlfriend is better, for the same reason.

  SHE MEANT:

  big adj. a word men need to hear constantly.

  HE MEANT:

  big adj. what your muscles ought to be, if your Mr. Happy isn’t.

  SHE MEANT:

  bimbo n. a woman who successfully wears lycra thongs in public.

  HE MEANT:

  bimbo n. a friendly, attractive woman who will not criticize your grammar, even if you end a sentence with a proposition.

  SHE MEANT:

  bitch n. a woman who realizes that being nice only gets you halfway to your destination.

  HE MEANT:<
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  bitch n. a woman who doesn’t realize that women are supposed to be nicer than men.

  SHE MEANT:

  blind date n. 1. a last resort. 2. a disaster accompanied by a free meal. 3. a fine way to lose a close friend. Ellen fixed Melinda up on a blind date, and they haven’t spoken since.

  HE MEANT:

  blind date n. an encounter from which you may find yourself glad you can see to drive home.

  SHE MEANT:

  blocks n. pl. 1. emotional obstacles. Melinda stopped dating Mitch when she realized how many blocks he had. 2. toys. Mitch would probably enjoy playing with blocks.

  HE MEANT:

  blocks n. pl. 1. hard objects on which to put your car to rest, during winter. 2. hard methods by which to put your opponents to rest, during football.

  SHE MEANT:

  blood n. a source of life; a symbol of death; a destroyer of perfectly good underwear.

  HE MEANT:

  blood n. evidence of a wound, generally. Women are said to be squeamish about blood that comes from a wound; men, about blood that does not come from a wound.

  SHE MEANT:

  blue balls n. pl. discomfort men feel when their passion is not consummated. Women just get the blues.

  HE MEANT:

  blue balls n. pl. a condition of sexual frustration in which the excited male gonads ache because they cannot burst. Guilt-tripping boyfriends notwithstanding, most men old enough to reach this state can relieve it without help.

  SHE MEANT:

  blush n. 1. a powdery makeup that pinkens the face. 2. the color of rosé wine that can also pinken the face.