He Meant, She Meant Read online

  HE MEANT:

  commitment n. a way to say “we might get married” without actually saying it.

  SHE MEANT:

  commitmentphobic adj. seductive and princely, and then suddenly, inexpicably claustrophic toward loved ones. Incapable of making concrete plans.

  HE MEANT:

  commitmentphobic adj. a term invented to pathologize a healthy fear.

  SHE MEANT:

  compassion n. generosity of spirit summoned for those you love, those you understand, and those who are completely pathetic. Melinda had compassion for Parker.

  HE MEANT:

  compassion n. being nice to a person whose loss is not your own, as to a young woman whose boyfriend has moved away.

  SHE MEANT:

  competition n. behavior that occurs when a man is physically incapable of enjoying a woman’s success, or when “confident” people feel the need to prove their superiority.

  HE MEANT:

  competition n. behavior that occurs because access to females is limited and life is short.

  SHE MEANT:

  complain v. the cathartic process of announcing your problems to anyone who will listen. Melinda complained to Hank that she hated her job. When he suggested she quit, she said no, she loved her job, she just hated it this week and wanted to complain.

  HE MEANT:

  complain v. to kvetch. Because older men teach younger men not to complain, the refrain “Men are no damn good” has gone largely unanswered.

  SHE MEANT:

  complex 1. adj. complicated. 2. n. a personal neurosis. Common ones include the Oedipus Complex, in which the son is attracted to the mother; the Electra Complex, in which the daughter is attracted to the father; and the Inferiority Complex, in which the child is attracted to anyone who will speak to him.

  HE MEANT:

  complex n. 1. a sports arena, with room for baseball and basketball. 2. a neurosis, with room for boasting and insecurity.

  SHE MEANT:

  computer n. an entity that does household tasks without arguing and doesn’t mind just being friends. Melinda named her new computer Max.

  HE MEANT:

  computer n. a machine that goes the phone one better: now you can converse, not only without smelling or seeing other people, but also without hearing them.

  SHE MEANT:

  conception n. the sunny realization that something is growing inside you. Like stomach butterflies and heart twitters, but better.

  HE MEANT:

  conception n. an idea (usually a bad one).

  SHE MEANT:

  condom n. an essential household item; the Tupperware of postmodernism.

  HE MEANT:

  condom n. an item of clothing, as important today as the necktie once was. And with a similar choking effect.

  SHE MEANT:

  confidence n. complete faith in oneself. Nourished by hard work, encouragement, compliments, and a steadily growing set of breasts.

  HE MEANT:

  confidence n. the aura of pride you need if you want to have sex, which you may obtain only by having sex.

  SHE MEANT:

  confront v. to tell the naked truth and have everyone yell at you. Jan thought the waiter had short-changed her by a dollar, but didn’t want to confront him because he might get mad.

  HE MEANT:

  confront v. to tell someone he’s been caught. Lloyd adored women who couldn’t confront him.

  SHE MEANT:

  conquest n. a siege in war or love in which defenses are gradually worn down. The more obstacles to overcome, the more interesting for the conqueror.

  HE MEANT:

  conquest n. a victory. It is inevitable to feel this the first time a woman shares her body. The feeling should ebb, as it becomes increasingly clear that she wanted you to do what you did. If that does not become clear, you may have committed a crime. Check local statutes.

  SHE MEANT:

  consent v. to state officially you will allow that which anyone with half a brain can see you will allow.

  HE MEANT:

  consent n. a green light. Not “a red light that wanted to be green.”

  SHE MEANT:

  control n. power over the course of things, enjoyed most by those who believe that emotions can get in the way of a really good relationship.

  HE MEANT:

  control n. like “cognito,” a place you most want to be “in” when everything goes to hell.

  SHE MEANT:

  conversation n. the secret to meaningful interaction, meaningful sex, and meaning.

  HE MEANT:

  conversation n. foreplay.

  SHE MEANT:

  convert n. someone who comes around to your way of seeing things.

  HE MEANT:

  convert v. to adopt a new belief, as a result of logical persuasion, threats or bribes. Lloyd knew Anne didn’t want to be his “other woman,” but he hoped a nice necklace would convert her.

  SHE MEANT:

  conviction n. a belief so powerful that it can help you endure or ignore almost anything.

  HE MEANT:

  conviction n. a belief that bores or threatens everyone but its holder.

  SHE MEANT:

  cooking n. 1. a mode of expressing lasting affection. 2. an activity in which one exaggerates one’s interest and experience; especially popular during courtship.

  HE MEANT:

  cooking n. the heating and moistening of spaghetti. Makes a great date—it’s cheaper than going out, she’ll think you “sensitive,” and best of all, she’s already at your place.

  SHE MEANT:

  coward n. 1. a person incapable of doing the right thing, such as men who skip battles or child-support payments. 2. what a man calls you when you decline to cross the street against the light at a crowded intersection.

  HE MEANT:

  coward n. 1. a word a man may spend his whole life avoiding, by killing anything that makes him feel he might be one. 2. what a woman calls you when you decline to rush headlong into an emotionally violent argument.

  SHE MEANT:

  creativity n. the ability to imagine that makes for good art and great lying. Lloyd explained Anne’s visit to Jan with tremendous creativity.

  HE MEANT:

  creativity n. the ability to draw on the past, but produce something new. Pitching to Reggie Jackson required this, as does guarding Jerry Rice. Sportscasters don’t need as much creativity, as long as they know phrases like “That’s gotta hurt.”

  SHE MEANT:

  crime n. not our scene. Too messy and gory. Why stage a robbery, when it’s easier just to put it on the credit card and not be able to pay the bill?

  HE MEANT:

  crime n. a well-traveled route to a woman’s heart, if you can’t do the college thing. And even if you can. Makes them want to tame you.

  SHE MEANT:

  cruelty n. inexcusably mean behavior. Can involve touching, refusing to touch, lying, telling the truth, yelling, or silence.

  HE MEANT:

  cruelty n. whatever made her cry this time.

  SHE MEANT:

  crush n. a queasy feeling that all will not be right with the world until a certain man announces his intentions to have his way with you.

  HE MEANT:

  crush v. to reduce a beer can in one’s palm to one-tenth original size.

  SHE MEANT:

  cry v. what women do instead of punching the wall. (Men punch the wall because they are not supposed to cry and it pisses them off.)

  HE MEANT:

  cry v. something men are allowed to do at movies, and women whenever they like. Prevents ulcers.

  SHE MEANT:

  cute adj. 1. a word men hate to hear used applied to themselves because they think it diminishes them. 2. good-looking or charming; heaven-sent. 3. appealing due to romantic goopiness. What a cute restaurant. 4. appealing due to extra-long eyelashes. What a cute puppy. 5. appealing due to good interior decorating. What cute doorknobs.

  HE MEANT:<
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  cute adj. a word applied to friendly, attractive women and to unthreatening boys.

  SHE MEANT:

  cyberflirt n. someone who sees the Internet as a singles bar. Melinda, tired of avoiding calls from the other losers she was dating, signed on to the ’Net (screen-name: Melinda5) and met gradstud, a cyberflirt. She asked him what he was studying.

  HE MEANT:

  cyberflirt n. a person who’s gifted with her hands and knows how to look good onscreen. After talking to Melinda5, Steve signed on again and met a cyberflirt named Bubbles, who asked him how much of a stud he was and how he intended to prove it.

  SHE MEANT:

  cynical adj. romance-hating.

  HE MEANT:

  cynical adj. what you will be accused of being if you notice, aloud, that women who complain about jerks rarely leave them.

  D

  DIALECTS OF THE MALE AND FEMALE LANGUAGES

  Male and Female dialects flourished at the beginning of the twentieth century, starting with the development of Macho Dialect. At first, Macho Dialect consisted of words and phrases meaning “woman”—chick, babe, babydoll, doll, dollface, broad, dame (archaic), moll (archaic). Loose variants were floozy and bimbo. The words meant any woman at all, then began to mean “a desirable woman,” and then, due to changing attitudes, “a desirable woman who doesn’t like this term, so I am using it behind her back.”

  Women, disgusted at being talked about behind their backs, invented Anti-Macho Dialect to keep men in their place: a series of words meaning “a man” or “a guy who doesn’t get it”: pig, twerp, creep, dolt, dork, twit, Junk, jerk, dweeb, numbnuts, sleazebag, dingbat, pondscum.

  But these words weren’t enough for early feminists, who found Macho Dialect degrading and fought to eliminate it. Men were confused because they intended their dialect to be flattering, but soon changed their ways.

  Macho Dialect was driven underground. Soon the only men you could find saying “doll” or “dame” or “babe” were Humphrey Bogart and Clark Gable. Like backseamed pantyhose, the words were destined to return, this time with humor.

  Then Lou Reed wrote the lyrics, “Hey, Babe, take a walk on the Wild Side,” calling into question the idea that the word “babe” had ever been an insult.

  Post-feminists argued that rather than abolish the objectification of women, women should simply objectify men equally. They felt men would eventually be forced to shave their legs and wear uncomfortable undergarments. With this goal in mind, Post-Feminist Dialect came into being, offering a series of words for “good-looking and slow-thinking man”: himbo, bimboy, hunkola, beefcake, studmuffin.

  So it is that regional dialects reflect gender upheavals. Now women playfully use Macho Dialect, calling each other “babe” when necessary, and men have been heard affectionately addressing each other in Anti-Macho Dialect—“Hey, numbnuts!” a man might say to a dear friend.

  And stupidity is now reaching the threshold of equality. The female “ditz” and the male “dimwit” are commonly replaced by the useful gender-neutral expression: “Pretty house, but no one’s home.”

  —JLB

  SHE MEANT:

  dance n. a conversation in body language that may or may not lead anywhere. The ultimate safe sex, since you can always say, “I thought this was just a dance.”

  HE MEANT:

  dance n. a socially acceptable way to get a woman’s attention, without having to talk.

  SHE MEANT:

  darling 1. adj. slightly archaic. Sweet, poignant. “What a darling dress.” 2. n. a term of endearment often combined with a compliment or an insult, as in “Darling, you’re a genius,” or “Darling, you’re an idiot.”

  HE MEANT:

  darling n. term of endearment, to be used liberally only if you are wealthy or Southern.

  SHE MEANT:

  date 1. n. a couple’s planned wedding day. Do you have a date? 2. v. to endure countless morons in the hopes of meeting one normal person.

  HE MEANT:

  date n. a socially acceptable way to get a woman alone.

  SHE MEANT:

  date rape n. when your rapist takes you to dinner first.

  HE MEANT:

  date rape it to be avoided. One more night of masturbation at home beats (so to speak) a thousand such nights in prison.

  SHE MEANT:

  dating v. the process of receiving constant serenades, love notes, and brief poems on the nature of passion.

  HE MEANT:

  dating v. 1. sleeping together. 2. what she calls your “relationship,” if you’re not “committed.”

  SHE MEANT:

  dating around v. a way to keep a roster of male suitors in gridlock.

  HE MEANT:

  dating around v. a way to get two or three women alone.

  SHE MEANT:

  daughter n. someone to whom you impart notions of womanhood and hope she is too busy rebelling against you to make any of the same mistakes you did.

  HE MEANT:

  daughter n. female child, through whom a man may finally see true femininity, unsullied by his desires.

  SHE MEANT:

  dead adj. 1. no longer living. 2. so deep in the proverbial doghouse that you might as well be no longer living.

  HE MEANT:

  dead adj. the football after a whistle has blown, or your enemy after an artery has blown. After a brief pause, play may resume.

  SHE MEANT:

  dear adj., n. a term of endearment: useful for starting letters or eluding criticism. “Yes, dear, whatever you say, dear”

  HE MEANT:

  dear n. all-purpose shorthand, if you have forgotten a woman’s name.

  SHE MEANT:

  death n. the end of life, hopefully with more to come.

  HE MEANT:

  death n. the end of someone else’s life.

  SHE MEANT:

  debauchery n. partying without limitations. Bubbles was riveted when Steve asked her if it was possible to simulate debauchery on the Internet.

  HE MEANT:

  debauchery n. mutually assured dissipation. “A little debauchery can be good for the soul,” Steve wrote to Bubbles, “as long as you stop at ‘a little.’”

  SHE MEANT:

  debutante n. a girl with a pastel dress and a pastel personality who somehow gets the best dates.

  HE MEANT:

  debutante n. a woman so valuable her puberty is cause for a party.

  SHE MEANT:

  deceive v. to neglect to correct a misapprehension.

  HE MEANT:

  deceive v. to feign love when one feels only lust. Works best when one is oneself deceived.

  SHE MEANT:

  definite adj. absolutely certain. Men enjoy pretending to be definite. We would rather waste time pretending to be perfect.

  HE MEANT:

  definite adj. the opposite of annoying.

  SHE MEANT:

  degeneration n. when the prince turns back into a frog.

  HE MEANT:

  degeneration n. when the princess turns into a crone.

  SHE MEANT:

  demonstrate v. to convince by exemplary behavior. Much more effective than convincing by a long speech, since long speeches are boring. Melinda had tired of men who talked about love without demonstrating that they loved her.

  HE MEANT:

  demonstrate v. to show, as by explicating a mathematical proof, marching in protest, or doffing one’s clothes.

  SHE MEANT:

  denouement n. the final phase of an event, when it peters out, lingers, and thankfully dies.

  HE MEANT:

  denouement n. the stuff that happens after the climax of a movie or date. Can usually be slept through safely.

  SHE MEANT:

  depressed adj. when you feel the world might end, it would be good if it did, and it would be your fault. A contagious state.

  HE MEANT:

  depressed adj. when you can see life as it is. Treatable with drugs, exercise, and positive
thinking (a.k.a. “denial”).

  SHE MEANT:

  description n. a crucial part of a story, occasionally interrupted by action. A good description of his facial expression when it happened beats anything that might have happened.

  HE MEANT:

  description n. the part of the book where the author entertains himself more than his reader. The more time a book spends on description, the less time there is for anything to happen.

  SHE MEANT:

  desire n. emotionally charged lust.

  HE MEANT:

  desire n. lust.

  SHE MEANT:

  detachment n. the act of cutting oneself off emotionally at the first sign of pain, because one does not yet realize that feeling bad is better than not feeling at all.

  HE MEANT:

  detachment n. the ability to keep one’s emotions at bay. Coolness.

  SHE MEANT:

  diamond n. the most indestructible gem, and a symbol of lasting relationships. Constructed of complex carbons and feelings. Diamonds are often understood to be a girl’s best friend. While this is absurd, they’re not her worst enemy, either.

  HE MEANT:

  diamond n. a rock for which you go into hock.

  SHE MEANT:

  diet n. an ancient form of self-torture involving numerous cantaloupes.

  HE MEANT:

  diet n. a plan to cut back on Doritos with your beer.

  SHE MEANT:

  different adj. the same. When Phoebe told the womanizer she didn’t want to be womanized, he assured her, “This is different.”

  HE MEANT:

  different adj. not identical. When Phoebe asked why it was different, the womanizer said, “Because you, my dear, are so different.” She bought it.