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He Meant, She Meant
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THANK GOODNESS OPPOSITES ATTRACT…
She means: He means:
abandon n. A state of ecstasy one reads about. “Why don’t we make love with abandon?” Response: “With a what?” abandon v. To produce a painful state in another simply by going where you want to go: “How could you abandon me? Response: “Uh, I was hungry.”
busy adj. Utterly swamped unless someone special calls. busy adj. Utterly swamped unless someone special dies.
call n. A phone call; an imitation of caring; a proclamation of desire or friendship. call v. What you should do a few days after fooling around if you want to do it again.
HE MEANT/SHE MEANT
“She: it’s about male-female communication. We finally explain the whole thing. The purpose is to reads a new, deeper, more ecstatic level of understanding between the sexes.” He: “it’s about 224 pages.”
JENNY LYN BADER has strong feelings of empathy for people she has never met, feels just terrible about things that could not possibly be her fault, and always wears heels. She is a writer living in New York City whose work has been included in Next: Young American Writers on the New Generation (Norton), Who We Are (St. Martin’s), and other anthologies. She is also a member playwright at The New Group and a contributor to the MSN Serial Web drama @watercooler.
BILL BRAZELL got his ideas of men from playing Little League baseball, growing up with an Air Force dad, and counseling adolescents in a mental hospital. He is familiar with the underpaid world of internships at Wired magazine, as well as phone soliciting, table waiting, and Easter bunny photography. He would like to become familiar with an overpaid world that does not require neckties. He lives in Berkeley, California.
Copyright
WARNER BOOKS EDITION
Copyright © 1997 by Jenny Lyn Bader and Bill Brazell
All rights reserved.
Warner Books, Inc.
Hachette Book Group
237 Park Avenue
New York, NY 10017
Visit our website at www.HachetteBookGroup.com
First eBook Edition: September 2009
ISBN: 978-0-446-56536-3
Contents
THANK GOODNESS OPPOSITES ATTRACT…
COPYRIGHT
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
PREFACE
FEMALE WORDS
MALE WORDS
A
B
C
D
E
F
G
H
I
J
K
L
M
N
O
P
Q
R
S
T
U
V
W
X
Y
Z
APPENDIX I: The Arguments
APPENDIX II: The Correspondence
APPENDIX III: The Dream
THERE’S A REASON WE CALL THEM THE OPPOSITE SEX…
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Thanks to our editors at Warner—Jamie Raab and Airié Dekidjiev—and to our agent Joy Harris for making this happen. Thanks too to Ambrose Bierce, Paul Chung, Harry Stein, Rob McQuilkin, Eric Liu, Laura Stulman, Dave Barry, Warren Farrell, Robert Wright and Dr. Samuel Johnson. And to Jessica Avery, Jennifer Gibbs, Henning Gutmann, Dawn Clifton, Erik Passoja, Chris Linskey, Patty Ruze, Christine Reilly, Ayesha Rook, Mitch lkuta, Yvette Doss, Katharine Lee, Mary-Claire Bachechi, Damon Hack, Karla Galdamez, Julian Sheppard, John & Amy, Michael Stroh, Wendy Joy, Mary Ann, Karen, Colin, Uncle Dick, Nana Brazell, the late Bernard R Moynahan, Sam Williams, J. Clifford Hobbins, and Sister Mary Louise, PBVM.
This book is dedicated to our parents, with love. They managed to raise us without the benefit of a male-female dictionary, for which we are grateful. And baffled.
PREFACE
You ask what a nice girl will do?
She won’t give an inch, but she won’t say no.
—Marcus Valerius Martialis (ca. AD 40-140)
THE EVERLASTING YES, NO, MAYBE
It happens to all of us, sometimes gradually, sometimes all of a sudden. I can remember when it happened to me—the moment it struck me that men and women really are different, but in ways that defy expectations.
I had just helped a friend give a big party. More women than men said they planned to show up. A lot of men hedged or said they probably couldn’t make it. But on the night itself: Surprise. There were many more men. We tried to figure out what had happened.
I realized that when men say no, they mean maybe; and when women say yes, they mean no.
Party-throwers, would-be rapists, testing services, encyclopedia salesmen, court stenographers, telephone pollsters, and amorous types should take note.
With the possible exception of Nancy Reagan, women don’t adore just saying no. Women accused of “leading on” men also “lead on” their female friends by promising to show up—which stems from an impulse to please, not a desire to tease.
Men, on the other hand, do not accept invitations or agree to demands easily. They feel that doing so would make them seem like pushovers, losers in the power games we play. Men enjoy one-upmanship. Of course “one-upwomanship” is possible, but it’s not preferred.
Women prefer to avoid antagonizing anybody, be they man, woman, child, or small furry animal. That’s why agreeable females dominate the “yes” lists of inexperienced party-givers. That’s why confused men go home alone from what seemed to them like a good date. That’s why women understood perfectly that Anita Hill, whatever demons may have been haunting her at the time, maintained contact with Clarence Thomas.
Concerned Supreme Court nominees need only refer to the precedent set in the last scene of Henrik Ibsen’s Hedda Gabler, where Hedda admits, “I am in your power, Judge Brack. You have me at your beck and call, from this time forward.” Then she shoots herself in the head. That’s the archetypal nineteenth-century woman saying “Yes” and meaning “You revolt me, you pig.”
A century later, mixed signals are still going strong. The political scene has spawned some classic “no-means-maybe” men. When Ross Perot said he didn’t want to run for president, he meant maybe he would if a grassroots movement mysteriously started sprouting up around him. When Bill Clinton said he hadn’t avoided the draft, he meant maybe he had, it depends what you mean by avoiding. When George Bush said No New Taxes, he meant Maybe New Taxes.
Everybody knows to watch out for the extremes; if some guy tells you he’s not planning to annex the Sudetenland, you can figure that maybe he is. But what if we had a healthier dose of suspicion for everyday denials and affirmations? It could result in better political and cocktail parties.
Just think of the predictive powers we could acquire. When Jim Baker said he had no intention of getting involved in a Middle Eastern territorial dispute, we could have taken the gender gulf into account and understood that the Gulf War was on its way. Kiefer Sutherland could have been spared undue embarrassment if he had only realized that when Julia Roberts said yes to his hand in marriage she meant no. The Secretary of State and the starlet of the hour both spoke with the best of intentions, but deep down, beneath that attractive outer layer of sanctions, each had profound reservations that would eventually astonish an expectant nation.
BEYOND STEREOTYPES
Friends nodded with recognition upon hearing about this saga of yes-no-maybe. It went against the no-means-yes stereotype, but it rang true.
I think that’s often the case: while the majority of stereotypical differences between men and women can be proven false, real differences are alive and well, and pretty funny.
Deeper diffe
rences.
Women like to survey the past, men like to survey the future. Women are fond of remembering, men of forgetting. Women weigh, men measure. We thrive on surprises, they plot their course. We want the freedom to wonder, they want the freedom to wander. We enjoy people-watching; they enjoy car-watching. We discuss specifics to illuminate the general; they talk about the general to understand specifics.
But most of all, we have different ways of expressing ourselves. Even in arenas where we are similar or identical, we have different ways of saying the same darn thing. We are taught these different languages in our peer groups.
Misunderstandings arise when we attempt to say the same thing in different words but end up saying conflicting things by accident.
METHODOLOGY: HOW WE DID IT
After airing my theory of yes-no-maybe, I was approached about writing this book. I scoured the country for a man insensitive enough to have male feelings but sensitive enough to write them down. I located Bill in Albuquerque. He immediately understood.
Coincidentally, Bill had also come to terms with male and female difference. He had been formulating the theory of the Smart Bimbo, which he will describe later in detail. We felt we could end the frustration of the whole you-don’t-understand-and-you-live-on-a nother-planet thing. To create a foreign language lexicon—except instead of English-Swahili it would be Male-Female. But how?
We decided to make lists of words to define, go to opposite ends of the country, and not speak to each other. This worked for a time. Ironically enough, we began to have fights. (See Appendix I: The Arguments.)
Very male-female fights. (See Appendix II: The Correspondence.)
We don’t fight much now, and when we do, we know why. Not only because we don’t have to fight about writing the dictionary anymore, but because it explained stuff to us.
We hope it does the same for you.
Men and women alike seek love, and treasure those times our common humanity rises above difference and we can finally understand what in God’s name the other person is saying.
To an era of perfect communication, this book is dedicated.
—JLB
FEMALE WORDS
While men were taught to be cool, women were taught to be nice.
We’ll be nice to anyone, no matter how demented or out to get us. Throughout history, we’ve agreed to wear absurd corsets and absurder shoes to make guys happy. We’ve gotten to think of their body hair as riveting so we won’t have to ask them to shave it for us.
Kidnapping statistics show that little girls will follow a complete stranger just about anywhere. Grown women will marry the prison guard who tortured them or the boyfriend who forced them to watch seven-hour documentaries in Swedish.
Women will stay on the phone for hours giving strategic advice if one of our friends is in love with a colossal idiot. We’ll say encouraging things about The Idiot until she finally sees the light, then when she’s ready we’ll tell her what we really thought of him.
Television bitches are so popular because they are so outlandish. No one told them they had to be nice, so we look on in admiration as they destroy innocent bystanders. Many of us wish we could be more like prime-time vixens and say the cruelest thing that comes to mind at any given moment. Instead we can barely think of a cruel thing to say until the conversation is already over.
Women love to talk about relationships. We’ll dissect romantic possibilities to whomever will listen: parents, pets, plants, a passing mirror. It’s just our way of feeling in charge of our lives before an actual relationship puts our hearts in charge.
Women care a lot about words. While a man is likely to notice if you use a word wrong, a woman will notice if you use the wrong word.
But we like the right words, used right. We like them a lot.
MALE WORDS
Every pipsqueak knows it’s not manly to care about words. In fact, it’s not even good to say “manly” unless you’re Laura Ingalls. But it’s often kind to explain things, and even the least couth brute wants to help women experience superiority. As by letting them say “Now I understand—male bonding!”, or whatever other such comment escapes the lips of a young woman trying to understand a collective effort to move a piano down an escalator. By saying “male bonding” in her own cute way, the woman is able to display Superior Intellect and Human Insight, which display will serve as her contribution to moving the piano. Men know these things, but we really don’t mind, since if we move one piano we earn at least one Sunday in front of the TV. Women get to be superior, men get to watch TV, everything’s cool.
It was not always so. During the 1970s, men like Alan Alda and Phil Donahue were lionized for their ability to talk to women and still make piles of money. Everywhere, men panicked. Some, terrified, thought that if they could make still more money, they might not be hassled to talk. Others thought the talking must be key—since that’s what women were saying on the talk shows and at home—and majored in subjects like Psychology and Women’s Studies. Those poor suckers were left in the dust during the eighties, as rich ogre types like Donald Trump got all the babes by saying a few key words, like: “Sure I took all the risks and made this dough by working every day since I was ten, but after a few afternoons of exercise, shopping, and makeup, you’re superior to me!”
This was a great discovery, better than a hundred Gloria Steinem videos. Men everywhere rushed to assert the superiority of women, hoping that if they said it enough, they wouldn’t need to prove it.
This worked for a time. But then women seemed to feel something funny was going on. They wanted to see if we meant it—not only about superiority, but a whole host of other things. Some of us told them they wouldn’t like it— “There’s really nothing there, and if there is, it’s probably not a big deal.” Our protests were in vain. They began to press the point everywhere, asking for full public disclosure: “What do you mean by that?” they’d demand, in the middle of a shopping mall. Men fumbled for answers. We were lucky to remember what we’d said, let alone what we meant. What did we mean? Damned if we knew.…
In the interests of helping both sides, then, we’ve scraped together a few words we think are key.
A
SHE MEANT:
abandon n. a state of ecstasy one reads about: “Why don’t we make love with abandon?” Response: “With a what?”
HE MEANT:
abandon v. to produce a painful state in another simply by going where you want to go: “How could you abandon me?” Response: “Uh, I was hungry.”
SHE MEANT:
abhor v. to loathe, due to bad associations. Anne had abhorred the ballet ever since she learned that Lloyd’s wife had been a dancer.
HE MEANT:
abhor v. a negative feeling certain dramatic people have. Lloyd didn’t know what to think when Anne said she abhorred the ballet.
SHE MEANT:
abstract n. the theoretical idea of something. Melinda loved Dave in the abstract, but in reality he drove her crazy.
HE MEANT:
abstract adj. the type of thinking men do better than women. “My wife handles the concrete questions in our family,” Lloyd said, “like where the kids go to school, whether we should keep our apartment. I handle the more abstract issues, like where the universe came from.”
SHE MEANT:
abusive adj. a quality found in certain otherwise irresistible, deep-voiced, fabulous men.
HE MEANT:
abusive adj. hitting somebody. (Recently, the definition has broadened. You can now abuse someone with words, too.)
SHE MEANT:
accessorize v. to wear the right handbag and the correct amount of glitter for a given occasion.
HE MEANT:
accessorize v. to assist in a crime. Anne decided to accessorize the adultery. She supplied the sheets.
SHE MEANT:
accident-prone adj. internally unstable or erratic; likely to crash cars, break crystal, and get unintentionally pregnant.
accident-prone adj. suicidal, without the guts to say so.
SHE MEANT:
accommodation n. caving in to the perceived needs of others, even if they haven’t said anything.
HE MEANT:
accommodation n. acting respectfully toward those whom you cannot beat up.
SHE MEANT:
accuse v. to tell someone they’ve done a thing even if they haven’t, thereby causing them to do it. It was when Dave accused Melinda of not believing in him that she stopped believing in him.
HE MEANT:
accuse v. to call someone else a sinner, so that your own sin seems reasonable by comparison. When he saw her smile at the checkout boy, Lloyd accused Jan of adultery.
SHE MEANT:
ache n. a dull pain, often caused by love or indigestion.
HE MEANT:
ache n. chronic pain you don’t discuss. Acute pain, like a compound fracture, you may mention, at least to your doctor. But a bruised thigh, for example, or a broken heart, should not be shared.
SHE MEANT:
acknowledge v. to demonstrate you are listening and admit you are wrong.
HE MEANT:
acknowledge v. to give credit where it is due. A hateful process.
SHE MEANT:
acquaintance n. someone you know vaguely. A term not in general usage except to deny friendship. “No, I’m not friends with Anne, she’s just an acquaintance.”
HE MEANT:
acquaintance n. someone whose funeral you don’t have to attend.
SHE MEANT:
acquiesce v. to assume the viewpoint of the person you just disagreed with, so that they will feel better.
HE MEANT:
acquiesce v. to pretend you don’t really prefer to have your way.
SHE MEANT:
action n. last-resort form of communication. More drastic than words. Melinda finally took action and changed her phone number.