He Meant, She Meant Read online

  HE MEANT:

  sexually experimental adj. involving games of skill (try your luck) to be played with others at the same level.

  SHE MEANT:

  share v. 1. to give up sole ownership. A concept foreign to most men, who were raised to believe the guy with the most stuff wins. 2. to open up one’s heart. Steve did not want to share.

  HE MEANT:

  share v. to distribute resources. A function poorly performed by the state in socialist countries and by the citizens in capitalist countries. He did not want to share his sandwich because he believed it would lead to communism.

  SHE MEANT:

  shave v. to torture your legs until they look just like everyone else’s.

  HE MEANT:

  shave v. to scrape your face until it’s bloody and bald. An activity you long to perform, until you are able to do so.

  SHE MEANT:

  shop v. to fondle and consider thousands of objects before settling on the perfect one.

  HE MEANT:

  shop v. something you do when you run out of food or when the holes in your underwear meet.

  SHE MEANT:

  short adj. a word excellent for describing efficient meetings, lectures, and nightwear. Dorothy Parker explained, “Brevity is the soul of lingerie.” If you are going to describe a short woman, however, it’s better to say “petite.” And for a short man, it’s best to say “stocky,” “feisty,” or “clever.”

  HE MEANT:

  short adj. not overwhelmingly tall. Women who seek mates through the newspaper do not typically request a short respondent. Everyone patronizes you, and when you protest or show an ounce of ambition, they accuse you of having a Napoleon complex. On the plus side, you can hide in a crowd, can jump up when you punch—doubling the force, hence the success of Mike Tyson—and expectations of your endowment are low enough that you may handily exceed them.

  SHE MEANT:

  shortcut n. a way of getting to the same place faster. Even if you get lost trying, it’s bound to be more exciting.

  HE MEANT:

  shortcut n. a way to avoid the straight and narrow, masquerading as a way to save time. Dad, let’s take the Kings Road shortcut!

  SHE MEANT:

  shower 1. v. to shower: to heap or bestow upon. He showered her with affection. 2. n. bridal shower: a party before a wedding, involving skimpy lingerie and lunch with the girls. 3. n. baby shower: a party before a birth, involving skimpy baby clothes and lunch with the girls.

  HE MEANT:

  shower n. the world’s most underrated invention. It wakes you up, massages and rinses you off, and remains always a warm, wet, private place to get naked.

  SHE MEANT:

  shy adj. terrified by human interaction, since it can be so catty, snide, and altogether unfair. Overcoming shyness involves accepting all of this as normal and sharpening one’s social skills.

  HE MEANT:

  shy adj. bashful. A skillful pretense if you have no interest in talking but don’t wish to be seen as a snob.

  SHE MEANT:

  silence n. when you don’t have anything encouraging to say.

  HE MEANT:

  silence n. the best sound during sleep, sunsets, Sunday afternoons, and some other times.

  SHE MEANT:

  silk n. one of the few things in life that is always superior to its imitations.

  HE MEANT:

  silk n. a fabric that may feel nicer than the skin it covers.

  SHE MEANT:

  single adj. what you always think you are no matter what. Divorced people think they are single because they are no longer married; married people believe themselves to be single when they run out of things to say to their spouse; people in relationships believe they are single because they are not married. Real single people know single means them.

  HE MEANT:

  single adj. alone, unmarried—a state that makes men prone to depression and heart attacks, giving us that feeling of challenge we so crave.

  SHE MEANT:

  sister n. 1. a female sibling. 2. someone who feels that all women are female siblings and she is yours.

  HE MEANT:

  sister n. 1. a nun. 2. a woman who gets her way by complaining that she never gets her way.

  SHE MEANT:

  slip n. 1. an annoying undergarment that has no sense of when it should and shouldn’t be peeking out from under your skirt. “I like your new slip, Jan,” said Lloyd.

  HE MEANT:

  slip n. what you call a minor inconsistency, to avoid calling it a mistake, which it isn’t. “Sorry I called you ‘Jan,’ Anne,” said Lloyd. “It was just a slip.”

  SHE MEANT:

  smile n. the one thing all girls are expected to wear.

  HE MEANT:

  smile v. what a man must do to reassure women who might otherwise think he’s a stalker.

  SHE MEANT:

  SNAG n. Spiritual Neurotic Angst-ridden Geek.

  HE MEANT:

  SNAG n. Sensitive New-Age Guy.

  SHE MEANT:

  soldier n. a guy with a mean crew cut, a great upper body, and a serious tendency to follow orders.

  HE MEANT:

  soldier n. a killer with a crew cut, into whom you may be asked to transform yourself on short notice.

  SHE MEANT:

  solve v. to put an end to the fascinating and enjoyable process of analyzing a problem by eliminating it altogether.

  HE MEANT:

  solve v. to make problems go away, so we can get back to watching the game.

  SHE MEANT:

  son n. a child who becomes a man—how this happens, no one is sure.

  HE MEANT:

  son n. a term of address, heard most smoothly from one’s parents.

  SHE MEANT:

  soon adv. whenever one feels like it.

  HE MEANT:

  soon adv. before next week.

  SHE MEANT:

  sorry adj. what to say after you’ve done something wrong, especially if you’re planning on doing it again. Also said about things that could not possibly be your fault, you simply feel bad about them. “My tooth hurts,” said Lloyd. “I’m sorry,” answered Anne.

  HE MEANT:

  sorry adj. an expression of remorse. Being male means always having to say this.

  SHE MEANT:

  space n. 1. the area around your person that belongs to you. 2. v. to forget. “I’m sorry, I spaced.”

  HE MEANT:

  space n. a domain free of intrusion. The more we feel we can get, the less we need.

  SHE MEANT:

  special adj. a word invented for people with the tragic physical inability to say the “L” word. If Steve told Melinda one more time that she was “special,” she thought she was going to smack him.

  HE MEANT:

  special adj. 1. available at a reduced price. Our fried bologna is on special. 2. unique. Steve almost told Melinda again how special she was, but stopped himself because he wasn’t sure it was true. 3. what you want your bride to be, if you’ve given up on becoming it yourself. (If you haven’t given up, you don’t much need a bride, do you?)

  SHE MEANT:

  specifics n. pl. life’s details. Women discuss specifics as a way of talking about the general. Men discuss the general as a way of talking about specifics.

  HE MEANT:

  specifics n. pl. essentials.

  SHE MEANT:

  spit v. to blurt out saliva or sudden confessions, neither of which anyone finds appealing.

  HE MEANT:

  spit v. to forcibly eject saliva and sometimes mucus toward a target at least four yards distant, with accuracy to within three feet, minimal spray, and no drool.

  SHE MEANT:

  spontaneous adj. all of a sudden. Also: a spontaneous person: one who is up for whatever contingency may arise all of a sudden. While most people pride themselves on being spontaneous, almost no one is.

  HE MEANT:

  spontaneous adj. unrestricted in emotional expr
ession. Prized by psychologists, because spontaneous patients are more entertaining.

  SHE MEANT:

  sport 1. n. anyone who puts up with anything. Silvio told Jan she was a good sport for going to a party where no one spoke English. 2. v. to wear. Jan didn’t mind too much, since Silvio was being so charming and sporting such a handsome tweed jacket.

  HE MEANT:

  sport n. a game-player. A “good” one neither whines about losing nor gloats about winning. A “bad” one is honest.

  SHE MEANT:

  sports n. pl. what men talk about when they don’t know each other.

  HE MEANT:

  sports n. pl. substitutes for wars, as saccharin is a substitute for sugar (every once in a while, even though you know it’s bad for you, you just gotta have the real thing).

  SHE MEANT:

  stand up v. to screw up one plan by replacing it with another.

  HE MEANT:

  stand up v. to blow off altogether.

  SHE MEANT:

  STD n. nature’s way of telling you that a guy is a jerk.

  HE MEANT:

  STD n. 1. sounds like FTD (“Florists’ Transworld Delivery”), but instead of saying it with flowers, you say it with penicillin. 2. a reminder of love. Even if your partner won’t stay, this will.

  SHE MEANT:

  steroids n. pl. drugs that supposedly enhance masculinity and strength by first making men look like pectoral superheroes and then rendering them impotent.

  HE MEANT:

  steroids n. pl. extra testosterone, for the man who can’t wait to be “huge.” When you are huge, you attract more women, but steroids can make ejaculation painful. Better to keep lifting.

  SHE MEANT:

  stomach n. a body part to suck in as often as possible—you never know who’s watching.

  HE MEANT:

  stomach v. to endure. Steve didn’t know if he could stomach another reference to Melinda’s PMS.

  SHE MEANT:

  stop v. something to yell at a thief or an idiot.

  HE MEANT:

  stop v. to cease. To withdraw and wait for the swelling to go down.

  SHE MEANT:

  strength n. inner endurance that makes it possible to lose weight, overcome addictions, and have lunch with past loves. Jan now had the strength to join the same gym as Lloyd’s third cousin.

  HE MEANT:

  strength n. a physical quality little valued in the computer age, except at the beach and when somebody needs help moving.

  SHE MEANT:

  stress 1. n. nervous tension. Also: stressful, stressworthy, stress-free, stressless. 2. v. tr. to emphasize. Suzanne’s teacher stressed the importance of the midterm. 3. v. intr. to worry. Having not studied for the midterm, Suzanne began to stress.

  HE MEANT:

  stress n. the feeling that demands exceed resources, to which many men respond with denial. Shunning “hysterical displays,” most men clamp down, drink, smoke, and clamp down more, until they keel over.

  SHE MEANT:

  structure n. an inherent form of logic. Especially valuable when one is feeling dispossessed. Doing step aerobics every Tuesday gave Jan’s life a certain structure. It also gave her thighs a certain structure.

  HE MEANT:

  structure n. the habit, whether a daily schedule or an addiction to alcohol or TV, by which a man covers for the loss of his mom.

  SHE MEANT:

  stud n. a guy who could have his own exercise video but chooses not to.

  HE MEANT:

  stud n. a guy who calmly, quietly beds more women in a year than most men do in their whole lives.

  SHE MEANT:

  student n. a person who is open to and willing to receive knowledge; who knows the difference between reading and skimming; who shows up in class and does homework on time.

  HE MEANT:

  student n. one who humbles himself in order to learn. If he learns enough he becomes a teacher and is able to humble others.

  SHE MEANT:

  stupid adj. incapable of grasping basic human nature.

  HE MEANT:

  stupid adj. dumb. The qualifications change over time. Dropping out of Harvard was once seen as stupid. Then Bill Gates did it and made billions. Now those who stayed feel stupid.

  SHE MEANT:

  subtle adj. delicate behavior designed to be more effective and loving than obvious behavior. But it doesn’t always work out. Suzanne blew off Rick in a wonderfully subtle way, by not returning twelve of his phone calls. Not understanding, he showed up at her house to tell her that her phone must be out of order.

  HE MEANT:

  subtle adj. the way a person may describe his own sense of humor if he has told a joke and no one has laughed.

  SHE MEANT:

  success n. a perfect balance of love, work, happiness, home, friends, relatives, health, beauty, fashion, society, good books, photo albums, and future plans.

  HE MEANT:

  success n. the best aphrodisiac.

  SHE MEANT:

  success object n. someone whose most attractive quality is success.

  HE MEANT:

  success object n. a male sex object.

  SHE MEANT:

  sugarcoat v. to make something terrible sound wonderful and thereby please everyone in the vicinity.

  HE MEANT:

  sugarcoat v. to sweetly lie.

  SHE MEANT:

  suit 1. n. a business outfit 2. v. to be apt. “That color really suits you!” said Suzanne to Tony, desperately trying to think of something good to say and failing.

  HE MEANT:

  suit n. 1. something you bring, against someone you don’t like. 2. something you wear, to show respect to someone by whom you don’t want to be disliked. Tony was glad Suzanne liked his lime-green suit.

  SHE MEANT:

  suitor adj. a guy who’s willing to wait around until you decide whether you feel like marrying him. Penelope’s suitors in the Odyssey set a record by waiting for her for two decades. In the harried, post-epic world, suitors have less time, but you might want to try their patience for three years or so.

  HE MEANT:

  suitor n. one who petitions or otherwise brings a case. Usually the case could be titled “Why You Should Sleep with Me.”

  SHE MEANT:

  supermarket n. a place where people roam aisles looking at canned goods and each other, single people wonder what it’s like to be married, and married people wonder what’s it’s like to be single.

  HE MEANT:

  supermarket n. a place to buy wine and look at melons. An easy place to ask an attractive woman for help—she may believe you need it.

  SHE MEANT:

  supermodel n. a person so beloved by the camera that she can make in five minutes what a normal person makes in a year.

  HE MEANT:

  supermodel n. a famously beautiful woman who knows how to communicate depth—except with her voice.

  SHE MEANT:

  supportive adj. A crucial quality no matter the circumstances. When her date confessed to her that he’d been raised by apes, Phoebe tried to be supportive.

  HE MEANT:

  supportive adj. helpful. Just as her bra lifts her breasts, she wants you to lift her spirits when they sag.

  SHE MEANT:

  sure adv. a word that sounds a lot like “yes” but definitely means no. See NO.

  HE MEANT:

  sure adv. certainly. Sounds like “yes,” because it is like “yes.”

  SHE MEANT:

  surprise n. a wonderful, unrequested entity that manages to be just what you were thinking you wanted.

  HE MEANT:

  surprise n. the unexpected thing. Men like this in sports, less elsewhere. They particularly don’t like it in the issue of their children’s paternity.

  SHE MEANT:

  surrender v. to give in to sweeping, tumultuous forces like passion because it seems the thing to do at the time. Like losing the battle and winning the war. But in the world
of love, surrendering is when losing means winning.

  HE MEANT:

  surrender v. a fancy word for “lose.”

  SHE MEANT:

  survive v. the main thing victims of tragic suffering must learn to do.

  HE MEANT:

  survive v. the main thing dead people have failed to do.

  SHE MEANT:

  suspenders n. pl. a way men who have given up their artistic side to pursue corporate goals can express their vision.

  HE MEANT:

  suspenders n. pl. invented because men lack hips. Like height, suspenders can produce a great effect when worn with aplomb. Otherwise, they remind viewers of a clown.

  SHE MEANT:

  sweat n. a love barometer; if you really love someone, his sweat is somewhat charming.

  HE MEANT:

  sweat n. a work barometer. If you are laboring and appear to be in good physical shape, patches of this show up as an outward manifestation of grace. Otherwise, it reminds those near you that you are in terrible shape, or nervous, and may already have started to smell.

  SHE MEANT:

  sweet adj. 1. the way one is supposed to be if one is ostensibly comprised of sugar and spice. 2. describes desserts that are so good that it is easy to confuse them with being loved. 3. an expression of gratitude for inexplicable kindness. “How sweet!” said Jan, when Silvio broke his little rule and allowed her to read the newspaper first even though she might crumple it.

  HE MEANT:

  sweet adj. a quality lovely in a woman or a dessert. A book says it is actually men who are just “desserts,” but this seems unlikely, as the demand for sweet men is rarely brisk.

  SHE MEANT:

  syllogism n. an argument that folds back on itself, confounding the basic principles of logic and the person you are arguing with. When Lloyd told Anne they shouldn’t marry so their marriage could never break up like his had, she protested that was a syllogism.