He Meant, She Meant Read online

  HE MEANT:

  rebound n. 1. the bounce of a basketball after a missed shot. 2. the bounce of a person after a missed relationship.

  SHE MEANT:

  reflection n. the process of turning yesterday’s good idea into today’s bad idea.

  HE MEANT:

  reflection n. 1. a manifestation. The Lakers’ success was a reflection of Pat Riley’s coaching, as well as the abilities of the players. 2. careful consideration. Lloyd found that his best time for reflection was when he was on the can.

  SHE MEANT:

  regret n. the long-term side effect of either excessive depravity or excessive prudence.

  HE MEANT:

  regret n. the long-term side effect of either excessive shyness or excessive marriage.

  SHE MEANT:

  rejection n. 1. the well-intentioned ousting of a person from your life. 2. the painful ousting of you by a person with bad intentions.

  HE MEANT:

  rejection n. a stinging denial, courted by those who try to shoot a jump shot over Hakeem Olajuwon, or a line of bull past Sigourney Weaver.

  SHE MEANT:

  relationship n. when he knows your bra size.

  HE MEANT:

  relationship n. a state she will assume you are in after two sexual encounters. Play along.

  SHE MEANT:

  relieved adj. free of dread or obligation.

  HE MEANT:

  relieved v. what a man closing his fly has probably just done to himself.

  SHE MEANT:

  respect n. a quality women command if they dress conservatively enough. As Edna Ferber explained, “A woman can look both moral and exciting—if she also looks as if it was quite a struggle.”

  HE MEANT:

  respect n. a tribute many men would kill for, and may feel that they need to.

  SHE MEANT:

  response n. what comes after someone has just paid great attention listening to you.

  HE MEANT:

  response n. an answer that shows your awareness that a question has been asked. For example, “Yeah, in a minute, dear,” or “Huh?”

  SHE MEANT:

  restraint n. the superhuman willpower you draw upon when you resist the urge to call him and wait for him to call instead.

  HE MEANT:

  restraint n. a set of leather straps with metal buckles.

  SHE MEANT:

  retrospect n. a glow that enhances a phenomenon as actual memories of it fade. Capable of reheating love that has been frozen.

  HE MEANT:

  retrospect n. a place to which we must travel before we realize that we were wrong.

  SHE MEANT:

  revenge n. befriending or helping those who deserve to be satisfyingly murdered. Jan suddenly understood how she might get revenge, and called Anne to make a lunch date.

  HE MEANT:

  revenge n. seducing a woman who’s prettier than the one who turned you down.

  SHE MEANT:

  reverse psychology n. the reason that a bear will only harm you if you shy away from being harmed, and a man will only adore you if you shy away from being adored.

  HE MEANT:

  reverse psychology n. the reason a woman will share her body only if you don’t seem immediately interested in it.

  SHE MEANT:

  ring n. finger jewelry with special traits. Once thought to have magical powers, now they just have insurance policies.

  HE MEANT:

  ring 1. v. what a phone does. 2. n. an arena for boxing. 3. n. a stain on a bathtub, or a shirt collar.

  SHE MEANT:

  romance n. a state of wonder that resembles illness.

  HE MEANT:

  romance n. what you call it when the straight-up proposition seems fated to fail, and you fall back on indirect means (roses, wine, poems).

  SHE MEANT:

  romantic 1. adj. perfect. 2. adj. significant. 3. n. someone who knows to say the right thing at the right time with the right amount of vocal modulation.

  HE MEANT:

  romantic adj. always striving, never arriving.

  SHE MEANT:

  roses n. pl. lovely flowers that come with irritating thorns and superior symbolism.

  HE MEANT:

  roses n. pl. pricey flowers.

  SHE MEANT:

  rotten adj. 1. inedible. The food was rotten. 2. immoral. It was a rotten thing to do. 3. depressed. She felt rotten.

  HE MEANT:

  rotten adj. the best kind of apple to throw at a car, as it makes the most satisfying splat.

  SHE MEANT:

  rules n. pl. personal laws we form in our heads that get broken as soon as a good exception comes along.

  HE MEANT:

  rules n. pl. impersonal laws we form by committee that get broken as soon as the ref isn’t looking.

  SHE MEANT:

  run n. a glitch in pantyhose that comes with a lot of hurrying.

  HE MEANT:

  run v. to rush. Men are not allowed to run from things (bullies, bullets), but are encouraged to run for things (a touchdown, the presidency).

  SHE MEANT:

  ruttish adj. lustful. Describes male sluts.

  HE MEANT:

  ruttish adj. lascivious. Describes the sort of woman you would not introduce to your brother because he might keep her to himself.

  S

  SIGNIFICANT OTHERS

  When a woman with a significant other meets a man, she generally tells the new guy about her partner right away. She seems to be reassuring herself. She’s letting the new guy know that she knows she’s attractive—but perhaps more importantly, she’s letting him know she’s protected.

  Some of women’s attention to relationships comes from a gut-level fear, a fear that the presence of a significant other—even just the mention of that person’s name—soothes.

  With men, as usual, it is different Men have fear, too—but they do not generally believe that a girlfriend, or even, in most cases, a boyfriend, will protect them if they are attacked. Significant others are nice to have around, but they don’t enhance a man’s physical security. Quite the contrary.

  A man alone need protect only himself. He can even run from trouble if he wants. A man with a woman must stand and protect her—even if it was her full-fingered response to a leering stranger that got her in trouble.

  When a woman meets a new man, she announces the existence of a partner within an average of 1.5 minutes after the introduction.

  Men are known to hold such announcements a bit longer, but generally no more than five years. A guy who waits longer than that is bad news; he’ll get no defense here.

  Some people say men delay news of prior commitments for the simple reason that they don’t want the new woman to stop flirting.

  The same people say women who mention a partner don’t really mean “Stop trying,” but are actually throwing down a challenge. In effect, they say, such women are asking: “How much do you want me? Enough to beat this obstacle, bright boy? Show me, and we’ll talk.”

  Maybe so.

  —BB

  SHE MEANT:

  sabotage n. 1. when an enemy undermines you. 2. self-sabotage: when you undermine yourself; more common and more disturbing. In an act of self-sabotage that botched the hostage rescue mission, President Carter sent sensitive helicopters into desert sandstorms without checking the weather report first.

  HE MEANT:

  sabotage v. to destroy; to subvert. What a man is often accused of doing if he tells the truth. When Jimmy Carter admitted he had lusted after other women, some wondered: How could he so sabotage his relationship with Rosalynn?

  SHE MEANT:

  sack n. a large, misshapen bag made of burlap or cloth. Suzanne’s mother assured her she did not look like a sack of potatoes.

  HE MEANT:

  sack n. 1. an action intended to stop a ball from moving too far from the line of scrimmage. 2 an object intended to keep two balls from moving too far from a man. 3. a bed. “I’d like to
get that waitress in the sack,” Tony loudly told his friends, in case they thought him timid. The waitress quietly put salt in his coffee.

  SHE MEANT:

  sacred adj. inviolate, as religious beliefs are. And confidences. And time spent alone. And time spent with the prince or jerk of the moment.

  HE MEANT:

  sacred adj. respected in itself; taboo, and thus undiscussed. A talk show in which a teenage girl tells millions of viewers that her mom is a slut exemplifies the death of the sacred. Previously, if your mom was a slut, you kept it to yourself.

  SHE MEANT:

  sacrifice v. 1. to give up everything for a man in the hopes that he will one day give up everything for you. 2. to love so much that you give selflessly, expecting absolutely nothing in return. Except a little recognition. Or a medal. Or eternal gratitude—see first definition.

  HE MEANT:

  sacrifice v. 1. to walk on the side nearest the road, because you are accompanying a woman. 2. in baseball, to bunt or hit a long fly ball in an effort to advance the runner, knowing you will probably not make it to first. 3. to fall on a hand grenade, because your buddy has children. 4. to keep a lousy job, because you have children.

  SHE MEANT:

  salesperson n. someone who pounces on you when you’re “just looking.”

  HE MEANT:

  salesperson n. what a man feels like as he approaches a woman for the first time.

  SHE MEANT:

  savage adj. uncivilized; difficult to tame. A politically incorrect, unfashionable term. These days, savage women are called “wild,” savage men are called “violent,” and savage beasts are called “endangered.”

  HE MEANT:

  savage adj. the type of violent passion you are expected to show for a woman, as soon as she says it’s okay.

  SHE MEANT:

  scotch n. a drink that a single man may have, but that women don’t go for till their third marriage.

  HE MEANT:

  scotch n. what you drink, according to Norman Mailer, when you have given up.

  SHE MEANT:

  screwdriver n. a vodka-and-orange-juice concoction popular at sororities; it works wonders on the innocent, allowing them to drown their sorrows but causing them to believe that they are having breakfast at the same time.

  HE MEANT:

  screwdriver n. a metal tool that advances screws, and an alcoholic beverage that does the same.

  SHE MEANT:

  seamy adj. describes the underside of things, where seams show. Best hidden.

  HE MEANT:

  seamy adj. the side of town where there is no need to sublimate sex and aggression.

  SHE MEANT:

  second base n. intent fondling above the waist.

  HE MEANT:

  second base n. 1. white square equidistant from the first-base coach and the third-base coach—thus, a zone from which progress is largely up to you. 2. twin projecting organs equidistant from the face and the hips—again, progress is up to you.

  SHE MEANT:

  seduce v. to decide to make love to someone and then get them to think it was their idea.

  HE MEANT:

  seduce v. to fool somebody who wants to be fooled.

  SHE MEANT:

  segue v. to make a transition from one conversational idea to the next. The link itself may be invisible to everyone but you, but all that matters is that you see it.

  HE MEANT:

  segue v. to perform the next section without a break from the previous one. If you do this with relationships, the word used is “rebound.”

  SHE MEANT:

  self-absorbed adj. versed in the art of ignoring everyone around you in order to forward your own goddamn agenda. Jan ran into Lloyd on the street and couldn’t believe how self-absorbed he was; he didn’t even ask how her therapy was going.

  HE MEANT:

  self-absorbed adj. what you call a person who won’t listen to you for three lousy hours.

  SHE MEANT:

  self-esteem n. one’s inner sense of self-worth, usually determined by the opinions of others.

  HE MEANT:

  self-esteem n. one’s inner sense of self-worth, usually determined by the subjugation of others.

  SHE MEANT:

  self-fulfillment n. when you realize that the person who’s going to make you happy is you.

  HE MEANT:

  self-fulfillment n. something many men fail to seek, being too busy fulfilling needs like pride, lust, and gluttony.

  SHE MEANT:

  self-hatred n. holding oneself in contempt. Not conducive to promotions or dating.

  HE MEANT:

  self-hatred n. what you ought to feel, at least for a while, if you have done a hateful thing. It is fashionable today to try to get rid of our self-hatred, as it hinders us from enjoying our cruelty.

  SHE MEANT:

  self-improvement n. Soul enhancement. A noble endeavor. Women enjoy self-help books, while men are more drawn to do-it-yourself books. We love the idea of fixing our inner selves; they love the idea of fixing broken household objects.

  HE MEANT:

  self-improvement n. the idea that you can make yourself a better person, by exercising, reading books, and going to the ballet. Whatever.

  SHE MEANT:

  selfish adj. smart enough to pay great attention to your own needs but too dumb to notice anyone else’s.

  HE MEANT:

  selfish adj. quality of accepting sacrifices made by others, but refusing to make one’s own. Our society approves of the equalizing Golden Rule (“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”), but not of its variants (“Do unto others before they can do unto you,” or “Do unto others, then split”).

  SHE MEANT:

  sensitivity n. a quality we crave most in those least likely to have it. When Suzanne eyed the blood-strewn prizefighter on TV, she imagined him to be a man of great sensitivity.

  HE MEANT:

  sensitivity n. a quality prized in rich, handsome men. Tony knew he could not afford to show sensitivity, at least not until he was famous.

  SHE MEANT:

  sensual adj. massages, mud masks, orchids, roasted coffee, wet sand, silk pajamas, all things that illuminate the senses.

  HE MEANT:

  sensual adj. sexual.

  SHE MEANT:

  sentimental adj. sensitive and weepy about life’s important moments. Women can get sentimental about their child’s first words, their third cousin’s wedding anniversary, their nephew’s pets’ birthdays. Men get sentimental about their own birthdays and their favorite war memories.

  HE MEANT:

  sentimental adj. a nice word she might use to describe you if you cry more than she’d like.

  SHE MEANT:

  separation n. the division of colors that bleed, spouses that cheat, and friends that aren’t.

  HE MEANT:

  separation n. the gap between a shoulder and its socket.

  SHE MEANT:

  serial monogamy n. the natural state of humanity, according to anthropologist Helen Fisher; the practice of dating one person at a time till you’re thoroughly fed up. As compared to dating multiple people, it requires more patience and stamina, but less thorough record-keeping and note-taking.

  HE MEANT:

  serial monogamy n. a middle ground between the tedium of monogamy and the chaos of polygamy.

  SHE MEANT:

  sex n. anything that gets you pregnant.

  HE MEANT:

  sex n. anything that gets you off and involves at least the thought of someone else.

  SHE MEANT:

  sexiness n. the art of seeming not to know how attractive you are.

  HE MEANT:

  sexiness n. the quality of reminding an observer that there is more to life than good digestion. It may consist of a bedroom voice, an off-the-shoulder shirt, or a glint in the eye caused by an errant contact lens.

  SHE MEANT:

  sexist adj. when you base your idea that someone is incomp
etent on the fact that he or she is not the same gender as you. While the person may be incompetent anyway, this criterion is not a good one. And if she or he is competent, it may land you in court.

  HE MEANT:

  sexist adj. when one believes her gender innocent of wrongdoing because it has been free of the type of power she wants it to claim.

  SHE MEANT:

  sex object n. a deitylike person whose sole purpose seems to be fulfilling the fantasies of mere mortals. Unfortunately, some apparent sex objects have other items on their agenda besides your fantasy fulfillment, such as doing their work, balancing their checkbooks, or shopping for riveting clothes that only add to their mystique and everyone else’s despair.

  HE MEANT:

  sex object n. someone you only want to know biblically.

  SHE MEANT:

  sex worker n. the nouveau term for “prostitute,” invented by people who wanted to convey that the sex industry is work. As if “prostitute” implies it’s fun?

  HE MEANT:

  sex worker n. a social worker for men.

  SHE MEANT:

  sexual adj. blatantly erotic, erring on the side of the obvious.

  HE MEANT:

  sexual adj. good.

  SHE MEANT:

  sexual harassment n. when the sort of intent grabbing you would love from the ideal man comes instead from a smelly oaf who determines your salary.

  HE MEANT:

  sexual harassment n. unwanted pursuit. Formerly known as “unrequited love.”

  SHE MEANT:

  sexually experimental adj. this term describes people who make great lovers but are not necessarily marriage material. Just when she’s hoping for a ring, he brings over the handcuffs.