He Meant, She Meant Read online

  HE MEANT:

  syllogism n. a type of subtle argument to which you should pretend to agree, so you won’t have to discuss it further. Lloyd nodded gravely and said, “I admit it sounds like a syllogism, but I’m at a loss.” He hoped that response made sense.

  T

  TIME: PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE PERFECT AND NOT-SO-PERFECT

  A note on the past tense and the future tense, and which makes us more tense.

  When discussing their lives, women love to dredge up the past.

  Women do love the past. She will fondly ask him if he remembers the first dinner they ever had together. She enjoys reliving moments she liked the first time around—many times, when possible. He may become upset or feel threatened when she asks him. What’s wrong with this dinner we’re having now? he may complain. Why do we have to discuss a dinner we had years ago? Is something wrong? Nothing is wrong, except the progressive idealization of things that have already happened and grow more wonderful by the minute.

  Men love to dredge up the future.

  Where do you see yourself in five years? he may ask her, making her think he doesn’t like where she is now or who she is now. But that isn’t so—it’s just his way of fantasizing that things could be better. He imagines that things that haven’t happened yet could be better, as she fantasizes that things that already happened could be better.

  So men are future-oriented and women are past-oriented when it comes to analyzing events. But then there is the question of hypothetical situations: the analysis not of actual events or goals but of “what if” events. When it comes to these scenarios, women can comfortably muse about the future: What if that guy made me pregnant? What if we had a wedding party of fourteen? Men prefer hypotheticals from the past: What if Babe Ruth hadn’t played in the World Series that year?

  In any case, one should never panic, one should simply pretend the other person is really talking about the time we would rather discuss.…

  —JLB

  SHE MEANT:

  table n. a wooden structure upon which one can play bridge and under which one can play footsie.

  HE MEANT:

  table n. something off of which to eat, or on which to rest one’s legs.

  SHE MEANT:

  tackle v. to hurl yourself into an impossible task and accomplish it. To overcome anything fate throws your way.

  HE MEANT:

  tackle v. to slam somebody into the ground as hard as you can, knowing he enjoys the sensation almost as much as you do.

  SHE MEANT:

  tact n. the art of refraining from telling people how awful they are and telling them instead exactly what they want to hear. Sarah Orne Jewett remarked, “Tact is after all a kind of mind-reading.”

  HE MEANT:

  tact n. what you display by not asking Joey how he feels, now that Phoebe has left him for an accountant.

  SHE MEANT:

  tactless adj. when you say the first thing that pops into your head without editing it out.

  HE MEANT:

  tactless adj. saying to Joey, “Ah, you poor guy.… Next time, try H&R Block! Heh, heh.”

  SHE MEANT:

  take v. to ravish adoringly. “Take me now,” Jan murmured to Silvio.

  HE MEANT:

  take n. the winnings. “What was the take tonight, Silvio?” Tom asked later.

  SHE MEANT:

  talk v. a way to make yourself feel better. We need to talk.

  HE MEANT:

  talk v. a pale substitute for action.

  SHE MEANT:

  taste n. barometer for idiocy. Anne had always wished she had better taste in men.

  HE MEANT:

  taste v. to sample, as by sniffing and licking. When Anne wore that red dress, Lloyd felt he could taste her from across the room.

  SHE MEANT:

  team n. 1. a sports gaggle. 2. a group of people working together for the common good. Men who have played too many sports will say things like “we’re glad to have you on our team” about hostile corporate takeovers or an efficient carpool. It’s best to humor them, fostering something called team spirit.

  HE MEANT:

  team n. 1. a gang with a coach. 2. a short-term marriage, to people with whom you don’t necessarily want to sleep.

  SHE MEANT:

  teammate n. a person you learn to love, while learning to hate members of the opposing teams.

  HE MEANT:

  teammate n. a person you rely on to cover your mistakes.

  SHE MEANT:

  tease v. to make fun of. Suzanne hated it when Tony teased her about her freckles, but at least it was a conversation.

  HE MEANT:

  tease v. to taunt. Out of bed, men do not like to be teased. In bed, then, they may assume you don’t like it, either.

  SHE MEANT:

  tedious adj. having extensive knowledge of one’s intricacies and eccentricities, and a deep desire to share that knowledge.

  HE MEANT:

  tedious adj. having daily anxiety about one’s relationship and a deep desire to share that anxiety.

  SHE MEANT:

  tedium n. extreme boredom, commonly identified with a terribly unfulfilling singlehood, a terribly unfulfilling marriage, or life on a slowly floating glacier. To men, tedium is a story lacking a plot. To women, it is a story lacking a theme.

  HE MEANT:

  tedium n. boredom. See TALK.

  SHE MEANT:

  telephone n. life’s central appliance.

  HE MEANT:

  telephone n. an easy way to avoid someone while seeming to stay in touch.

  SHE MEANT:

  tell v. to gauge something right away with startling reliability. I can just tell.

  HE MEANT:

  tell v. what you are not supposed to kiss and do.

  SHE MEANT:

  terror n. the feeling that you have permanently offended someone.

  HE MEANT:

  terror n. the feeling that you have permanently attracted someone.

  SHE MEANT:

  testicles n. pl. the seat of male strength and vulnerability. Once you understand chat these are part of the same thing, you’ve got it made.

  HE MEANT:

  testicles n. pl. seats of occasional pleasure and a pain no woman has ever known.

  SHE MEANT:

  testosterone n. a hormone more present in men than women. Scientists used to say it made men aggressive and warriorlike. Now they say its absence makes men aggressive and warriorlike. All this shows is that scientists are as confused as ever, and men are still aggressive and warriorlike.

  HE MEANT:

  testosterone n. hormone that lowers your voice and gives you the ability to shave. May or may not make you violent. But Margaret Thatcher took extra, just in case.

  SHE MEANT:

  thine pron. archaic. means all yours, for all time, no matter what, even if everything else is falling apart, goddammit, in Old English.

  HE MEANT:

  thine pron. archaic. yours. A good word to use in a love poem, as, “I pledge these two lips of mine,/ To those sweet lips of thine.”

  SHE MEANT:

  think v. to free-associate.

  HE MEANT:

  think v. to utilize mental logic.

  SHE MEANT:

  three-day rule, the n. the feeling that if he hasn’t called three days after your first date, he never will call. Trust that feeling.

  HE MEANT:

  three-day rule, the n. any pitcher who throws on less than three days’ rest deserves what he gets. And that goes for his manager, too.

  SHE MEANT:

  tie 1. n. a bond between people. Blessed be the ties that bind. 2. v. to tie the knot: to marry. 3. n. that nice thing he wears around his neck when he wants to tie the knot or improve those bonds between people.

  HE MEANT:

  tie n. 1. a contest nobody wins. 2. a strip of cloth worn around the neck, as a noose.

  SHE MEANT:

  tomboy n. a girl admired for doi
ng “boy” things. There is no equally jovial word for a boy who does “girl” things because boys do nct get admired for doing those things when they are small, and that’s when all the trouble begins.

  HE MEANT:

  tomboy n. a girl who can spend all afternoon throwing dirt bombs at cars.

  SHE MEANT:

  tools n. pl. phallic objects that come in a box.

  HE MEANT:

  tools n. pl. devices whose proliferation has paralleled the evolution of language, as men have sought to build treehouses, boats, and airplanes in which to escape the chattering of women.

  SHE MEANT:

  toothbrush n. the minimum packing requirement for a fling.

  HE MEANT:

  toothbrush n. instrument for ridding your mouth of food chunks and slime.

  SHE MEANT:

  touch v. 1. to fondle with cale; what you do to clothes you haven’t yet bought or people you already possess. 2. to spark an emotional reaction. Suzanne was touched when Tony asked her to dance.

  HE MEANT:

  touch n. a caress. Not, perhaps, as critical a stimulant for men as for women. But it still beats listening. Tony hated to dance, but saw it as the easiest way to touch Suzanne.

  SHE MEANT:

  tradition n. babies, aprons, a minimum of big decisions, gobs of time to philosophize and sweep.

  HE MEANT:

  tradition n. beards, tools, and unquestioned authority.

  SHE MEANT:

  trance n. A state of hypnosis or worship.

  HE MEANT:

  trance n. a state of comfortable detachment in which you may plan ahead without emotional distraction. Slipped into routinely by married men.

  SHE MEANT:

  transcend v. to go beyond the ordinary and reach a higher, more spiritual realm of understanding. Phoebe felt that her relationship with her dentist transcended mere teeth.

  HE MEANT:

  transcend v. what you try to do to your desires when you can’t get sex.

  SHE MEANT:

  transition n. an up-in-the-air phase between two sets of permanent, understandable plans.

  HE MEANT:

  transition n. an up-in-the-air phase between two longer-term partners. Mary had helped him make the difficult transition from Betty to Suzanne.

  SHE MEANT:

  translator n. one who negotiates several languages. Donald suggested to Jan that she and Lloyd go to a translator to settle their differences.

  HE MEANT:

  translator n. one whose job it is to pretend that two languages are equally important. The translator in the cold-war thriller Fail-Safe was a hero. Most translators, however, are not heroes, because it’s hard to tell if they’re any good.

  SHE MEANT:

  trendpot n. a fad-crazed vixen. Anyone who bought eight of Versace’s monkey-studded metallic silver shirts as soon as they hit the stores.

  HE MEANT:

  trendpot n. a guy who had Air Jordans before Michael did.

  SHE MEANT:

  trendy adj. when stupidity becomes crucial because it is the favored stupidity of its time.

  HE MEANT:

  trendy adj. a word best used while it drips with sarcasm. Like “bucko.”

  SHE MEANT:

  trick n. an act of magic, performed by people who want to get out of a hole they’ve dug themselves. “That’s a pretty good trick,” she said admiringly.

  HE MEANT:

  trick n. label given to a man by a woman for whom one-night stands are too long.

  SHE MEANT:

  trophy wife n. a woman so lustrous she can be polished and kept in a display case. Also, trophy husband: a man who glitters and smiles and marries well.

  HE MEANT:

  trophy wife n. a woman who knows her worth and has sold it to the highest bidder—as opposed to a prostitute, who merely rents.

  SHE MEANT:

  tuxedo n. a suit worn by bridegrooms, doormen, and actors receiving awards. The one interesting outfit a man gets to wear, and most don’t even appreciate it.

  HE MEANT:

  tuxedo n. costume you wear occasionally to show people how you could look, if you gave a damn.

  SHE MEANT:

  twerp n. a mean or irritating man, made more pathetic by his general unattractiveness.

  HE MEANT:

  twerp n. an insignificant person, easily pushed aside. Weights and guns may help you lose this label.

  SHE MEANT:

  type n. a category of people we supposedly prefer. We inevitably end up with other people. Lloyd was not really Anne’s type.

  HE MEANT:

  type n. the kind of person who can evoke an erection. When a man says “She’s not my type” it means either “I don’t find her physically exciting” or “She terrifies me.”

  U

  SHE MEANT:

  ulcer n. an illness that comes from worrying too much and not complaining enough.

  HE MEANT:

  ulcer n. a badge of honor, of which a decent coach will have at least one. (The bad coaches get them, too, but don’t tell that to your ulcerated man.)

  SHE MEANT:

  umpire n. a ballfield counselor. Someone who can make decisions quickly and successfully wear black in the summer.

  HE MEANT:

  umpire n. a referee. As neutral as God, but with none of His perks.

  SHE MEANT:

  unbelievable adj. either wonderful or infuriating, because it could not possibly have occurred.

  HE MEANT:

  unbelievable adj. a characteristic that breaks the predictable order. Before Nixon’s fall, it was unbelievable that the U.S. president could be a crook. Now it is unbelievable if he is not.

  SHE MEANT:

  uncompromising adj. unyielding. A trait prized in men, loathed in women.

  HE MEANT:

  uncompromising adj. obstinate. A trait prized in battle, loathed in bed.

  SHE MEANT:

  uncontrollable adj. when forces seem to be conspiring against you. The uncontrollable can be controlled if you learn to restrain yourself physically. Every now and then, Anne had the uncontrollable urge to knock some sense into Lloyd.

  HE MEANT:

  uncontrollable adj. what boys are genetically programmed to be.

  SHE MEANT:

  underestimate v. to guess too little because you can’t conceive of more. Jan underestimated the scope of Silvio’s feelings.

  HE MEANT:

  underestimate v. 1. what many a man does, with regard to the time a woman will need. Silvio underestimated how long Jan would take to get ready. 2. what many an eager groom does, with regard to the power of his bride.

  SHE MEANT:

  understood adj. the ultimate:state of being, magically reached by patience, perseverance, and hard work. I may be enduring a lot now, but one day I will be rewarded and understood.

  HE MEANT:

  understood adj. perfectly clear. What nothing should be assumed to be, in a relationship of fewer than thirty years.

  SHE MEANT:

  underwear n. intimate garments that tell a lot about a person. By looking at underwear, you can usually tell a person’s hygienic habits, quotient for outrageousness, level of self-confidence, and taste in music. Of course by the time you meet someone’s underwear you probably ought to know all these things already, but a little confirmation never hurts.

  HE MEANT:

  underwear n. 1. a tank-top T-shirt, displaying chest hair. 2. a pair of boxer shorts, briefs, or jockeys, displaying progressively more.

  SHE MEANT:

  unemotional adj. lacking a moral base.

  HE MEANT:

  unemotional adj. not easily stirred or moved. How men like to appear. But men’s groups are lobbying hard: they want “lust” to count as an emotion.

  SHE MEANT:

  unequal adj. imbalanced, as in an uneven relationship. Take the raconteuse Scheherazade, who told stories to the sultan for 1,001 nights so he wouldn’t decapitate her, producing a chunk of Arabi
c literature in the process. The sultan wasn’t too anecdotal himself. This is the earliest instance of an unequal relationship that pops to mind, but there have been lots since then.

  HE MEANT:

  unequal adj. a relationship in which one person makes more money than the other—and is nicer, smarter, and just plain better-looking.

  SHE MEANT:

  uxoricide n. a wife killer. Hopefully such a person can be identified before one finds the other wives in the closet. A good locksmith can help.

  HE MEANT:

  uxoricide n. a man who couldn’t wait to be divorced.

  V

  SHE MEANT:

  vacation n. a time to spend with loved ones. Can also be a time spent seeking adventure alone, but you should always check the bylaws of the country to make sure women are legal there.

  HE MEANT:

  vacation n. a time when you leave your work in the office and embrace the challenge of “chores.”

  SHE MEANT:

  Valentine’s Day n. a corny holiday when lovers give each other roses. While surprises are good, it is not a good idea to vary the rose theme.

  HE MEANT:

  Valentine’s Day n. a holiday that is like an expensive way to renew a library book. (Less expensive, though, than letting it expire and then trying to take it out again, when others have been waiting…)

  SHE MEANT:

  vanity n. like worship of money, this is a quality that men project onto women. Men say that women are vainer because we carry compact mirrors. But what’s vainer, really: acknowledging image is important, or pretending it doesn’t matter while combing your hair in the side mirror of a pickup truck?