He Meant, She Meant Read online

  passive adj. how men are able to behave while beautiful women come right at them—in their dreams.

  SHE MEANT:

  patience n. the ability to wait around for endless periods of time in case life decides to surprise you, which it rarely does. Patience was once good. But in 1909, Charlotte Perkins Gilman said, “There was a time when Patience ceased to be a virtue. It was long ago.”

  HE MEANT:

  patience n. what people urge you to have when they don’t feel like giving you what you want. A woman may urge patience on the topic of sex, a man on the topic of marriage.

  SHE MEANT:

  patriarchy n. a bunch of men who ride around in golf carts together; guys who hang dead animal heads next to portraits of themselves; a lot of kings named Henry.

  HE MEANT:

  patriarchy n. reality.

  SHE MEANT:

  PDA n. Public Display of Affection. A crucial test. If a man refuses to kiss you in public, he may just tend toward shyness. But it’s also possible he’s having an affair with the person across the street, or would like to have one.

  HE MEANT:

  PDA n. Public Display of Affection. Most fun when you are young and want to show the world that someone, at least, finds you attractive. As you get older, you sense the danger of letting other men see your girlfriend aroused.

  SHE MEANT:

  peekaboo n. a children’s game that involves hiding behind chairs, hands, eyelashes, and strands of hair. Sets the standards for years of flirtation to come.

  HE MEANT:

  peekaboo n. a way to tease children, by pretending to abandon them and then showing up again.

  SHE MEANT:

  people-watching n. a sport that involves sitting in an outdoor café and thinking of the lives you could have lived and didn’t, as the owners of those lives pass by.

  HE MEANT:

  people-watching v. an activity most men perform best when the people are women. A straight man who is not an anthropologist tends to watch another man only to wonder how on earth he won the woman beside him.

  SHE MEANT:

  perfection n. when worries lift and bubble baths are possible.

  HE MEANT:

  perfection n. when skirts lift and a bubble bath would take too long.

  SHE MEANT:

  perform v. to accomplish impressive feats. She performed surgery while whistling the score of the Ring Cycle.

  HE MEANT:

  perform n. what a man MUST be able to do.

  SHE MEANT:

  period n. 1. an epoch of history. During the Mesozoic period, all was chaos. 2. a time of the month. During my last period, all was chaos.

  HE MEANT:

  period n. something a man can never understand but comes at times to bless, since its presence means the absence of pregnancy. It does seem hypocritical, though, for someone to have one of these every month, and then call us “gross” when we burp.

  SHE MEANT:

  persistence n. the ability to ask the same question a hundred times even when you sense the other person has no intention of answering it.

  HE MEANT:

  persistence n. a quality often deemed annoying in public and rewarded in private.

  SHE MEANT:

  phallocentric adj. any society or individual obsessed with towers, horns, or archery.

  HE MEANT:

  phallocentric adj. what people who are not men call men. They think men are always preoccupied with the phallus, and build rockets and skyscrapers and Washington’s monument in its image. Nutty.

  SHE MEANT:

  pickup n. a come-on. Phoebe thought “Your hair does wonderful things in the humidity” had to be the worst pickup line she had ever heard.

  HE MEANT:

  pickup n. a truck featuring a flatbed. As a young man, President Clinton covered his pickup truck’s flatbed with astroturf.

  SHE MEANT:

  Pill n. medication men claim they would like women to take, though they don’t seem to like its bloating effects.

  HE MEANT:

  Pill n. an invention that has liberated millions of women from their biology, making it easier for them to live the life they choose. But let us not thank the male inventors—they were undoubtedly phallocentric.

  SHE MEANT:

  pizza n. what happens when no one wants to cook dinner. If you live too far from civilization to order one, you should reevaluate your priorities.

  HE MEANT:

  pizza n. a necessary complement to beer, for those inviting guests to watch sports or help move furniture.

  SHE MEANT:

  plan v. a future agenda, involving oneself and occasionally others. These others should be consulted in advance when possible.

  HE MEANT:

  plan n. goal you will achieve in the future, if you still want to and don’t die first. People with no plans simply prefer chaos to disappointment.

  SHE MEANT:

  plastic surgery n. a process to disparage until you’re fifty—and then experiment with later.

  HE MEANT:

  plastic surgery n. similar to makeup: we like the results, but don’t need to know the process.

  SHE MEANT:

  platonic adj. refers to an ideal state described by Plato. Can apply to anything in its purest form: pure thoughts, pure friendship, pure cashmere. Platonic love, which has led to much tragic literature and sex therapy, has enormous potential. Melinda asked Steve didn’t he think if they broke up they could remain platonic friends? He said no. She said that was not the right answer. He said hers was not the right question. The argument threatened to turn them into platonic enemies on the spot.

  HE MEANT:

  platonic adj. 1. a type of intellectual love for which physical contact is a contaminant. Named for the Greek philosopher Plato, whose words still mattered after his body had started to rot. 2. a rationalization from a woman who probably doesn’t really love you, because if she did, she’d want you to kiss her. You get this point, even if neither of you has read Plato.

  SHE MEANT:

  PMS n. a time of month when we blame everyone else for our bad mood. Men are worse off: they get irritable every month, too, but they don’t know when.

  HE MEANT:

  PMS n. something you shouldn’t mention. If she has it, reminding her will only make it worse. If she doesn’t, suggesting she does could bring it on.

  SHE MEANT:

  poetry n. a proven method of seduction.

  HE MEANT:

  poetry n. a few sentence fragments about love, with your lust-object’s name on top. Works about half the time.

  SHE MEANT:

  politics n. a useful subject when others have run dry.

  HE MEANT:

  politics n. pl. a sport loathed by those who don’t know how to play. Such people seem not to realize that to complain is to participate.

  SHE MEANT:

  popular adj. so socially desirable as to be almost universally hated.

  HE MEANT:

  popular adj. men who become popular often have the vague feeling that they’re not quite being honest. If they lack this feeling, other men will have it for them.

  SHE MEANT:

  pornography n. an art form involving naked people, weak acting, and shoddy production values.

  HE MEANT:

  pornography n. the depiction of people having sex. What else do you need to know?

  SHE MEANT:

  possess v. to have and to hold. And to snuggle.

  HE MEANT:

  possess v. to own.

  SHE MEANT:

  possession n. can mean passion or visitation by demonic forces, though the two are often confused.

  HE MEANT:

  possession n. the thing owned. Stamp collection, CD, multinational corporation, womarn.

  SHE MEANT:

  possibility n. something that might not actually happen, but then again it might, you never know. The first time Suzanne phoned Len, she liked the sound of his voice and she realized there
was a possibility they might go out, the possibility they might marry, and the possibility that they might have three kids in ten years; just as she was considering naming the third child Frederick, she realized she had the wrong number.

  HE MEANT:

  possibility n. a much wider field than “probability,” and thus a more fun place to play. There is a possibility that you will get a seductive phone call from Laura San Giacomo, that the Red Sox will win the World Series, and that Rush Limbaugh will take a vow of silence.

  SHE MEANT:

  post-feminist n. anyone who enjoys cooking but also earns enough to eat out a lot; who objectifies men but also marries them; who discusses nuclear fission while wearing micro-minis.

  HE MEANT:

  post-feminist n. a woman who has read Catharine MacKinnon but likes a well-made blue movie; who spends little time on makeup but always has Clinique; who grows a garden when she can but doesn’t mind McDonald’s; who will stay with a guy who calls her “girl” but only if he’s got a great butt.

  SHE MEANT:

  power n. something to achieve so you can downplay its importance later.

  HE MEANT:

  power n. the ability to do what you want, when you want to do it. Usually lost before the age of one and never quite regained.

  SHE MEANT:

  prenuptial agreement n. a contract signed between people who should trust each other but clearly don’t.

  HE MEANT:

  prenuptial agreement n. a good way to test a spouseto-be’s love and patience. A pre-coital agreement would test the same qualities in a prospective partner, but might seem a bit forward.

  SHE MEANT:

  present adj. 1. not absent; nearby. 2. emotionally present: willing to listen without criticizing, support without judging, and love without hesitating.

  HE MEANT:

  present n. a gift that’s more fun to give the less obligated you feel to give it.

  SHE MEANT:

  priest n. a man who pledges to give up most everything and then has to hear others confessing about it all.

  HE MEANT:

  priest n. intermediary between a disinterested deity and a sporadically interested congregation.

  SHE MEANT:

  problems n. pl. dilemmas to be discussed.

  HE MEANT:

  problems n. pl. obstacles to be removed.

  SHE MEANT:

  project v. a psychological term for thinking that others have certain qualities only because you have those qualities yourself. Many inaccurate stereotypes of women have been created by men projecting their own qualities onto women: for example, the ideas that women are especially vain, inconstant, and obsessed with money.

  HE MEANT:

  project v. 1. to send out, as in one’s voice. 2. to predict future success or failure, based on recent returns. 3. to ascribe a quality of one’s own to someone else. She was smiling back at him. Did that mean she wanted him in the way his smile meant he wanted her? Or was he projecting? He stopped smiling. She did, too. He decided he wasn’t projecting.

  SHE MEANT:

  prom n. an event of such heightened sentiment, it is the only time you’ll ever even think about accepting a corsage.

  HE MEANT:

  prom n. an event of such heightened expense, a guy can be forgiven for expecting a little extra from his date.

  SHE MEANT:

  proposal n. a suggestion of marriage, made as inventively as possible.

  HE MEANT:

  proposal n. 1. in private life, a hopeful suggestion. Lloyd made a proposal to Anne: what about living together?2. in business: a firm plan, floated before stockholders as if it were open to discussion.

  SHE MEANT:

  proposition n. sounds like proposal, but has an extra syllable and does not involve marriage.

  HE MEANT:

  proposition v. to make a sexual advance. Most guys prefer to do this without words, using a sort of a physical implication. Some, though, say words are nice, and may suffice.

  SHE MEANT:

  psychosomatic adj. when mental considerations influence physical health. For example, when you get a sore throat at a public speaking gig, contract a mysterious symptom-free disease before a dreaded event, or develop an allergy to your spouse.

  HE MEANT:

  psychosomatic adj. when bad thoughts lead to illness. Examples include progressive blindness and the growth of hair on one’s palms.

  SHE MEANT:

  puberty n. a time when parental affection is an embarrassment and other kinds of affection are an obsession.

  HE MEANT:

  puberty n. when your armpits begin to smell.

  SHE MEANT:

  public n. a place where one ought to be even nicer than usual.

  HE MEANT:

  public n. a group that cannot stand much excitement. Thus, you may not pick your nose, teeth, or other parts in front of it.

  SHE MEANT:

  pumps n. pl. sensible shoes that cover any toenail polish mistakes, corns, or blisters. Sensible, that is, until one leaves the paved path and tries to walk in the mud. Then one starts to wonder why men monopolize all the really sensible shoes.

  HE MEANT:

  pumps v. what the young man does with iron, so he’ll he able to attract targets other than his hat.

  SHE MEANT:

  punch n. 1. a tropical drink that may or may not come with a diminutive umbrella. 2. a gesture used by men to hurt each other or demonstrate affection.

  HE MEANT:

  punch n. 1. a good thing to spike at a party. 2. a good thing to throw after a party.

  SHE MEANT:

  purse n. a receptacle that fits everything. Preparedness Central. A microcosm of a woman’s identity. If you don’t appreciate what’s in her purse, chances are you’re not going to appreciate her.

  HE MEANT:

  purse n. the prize money at a sporting event. The purse for this race is $1.1 million.

  Q

  SHE MEANT:

  quality time n. what to spend with the kids when you don’t have any actual time to spend with them,

  HE MEANT:

  quality time n. a phrase used by employers and ex-wives to make it seem we have lost little when we get one weekend per month.

  SHE MEANT:

  queen n. a woman so powerful she refers to herself as “we.”

  HE MEANT:

  queen n. beauty contest winner smiled on by Americans, who tend to find the other kinds (female monarchs, men in dresses) ominous.

  SHE MEANT:

  question n. the most polite way of phrasing something, even when you already have the answer.

  HE MEANT:

  question n. one of the least polite modes of address, if your tone of voice indicates you already have your answer.

  R

  SHE MEANT:

  rack n. 1. a little shelf for spices. 2. the place where clothes grow.

  HE MEANT:

  rack n. a set of antlers, or breasts.

  SHE MEANT:

  rake n. originally an English aristocrat who rode about the countryside deflowering virgins. Now a man who tells you his fantasies about sleeping with hundreds of women, getting into violent fights, working as a foreign correspondent, and dying young, all while wearing a leather jacket.

  HE MEANT:

  rake n. an honest man, with more gusto than most.

  SHE MEANT:

  rakish adj. describes anyone who might develop into a rake. Rakish preschoolers wear dark glasses indoors and flirt with schoolteachers.

  HE MEANT:

  rakish adj. a type of angle at which you may tilt your fedora, if you want to be considered a rake.

  SHE MEANT:

  rape n. a crime women never feel the need to commit because we realize that forcing oneself upon others is distasteful and exhausting.

  HE MEANT:

  rape n. a crime for which convicts are sent to prison, so they can experience it from the other side.

  SHE MEANT:

  reac
tion n. an unthinking response. Sir Isaac Newton got really famous for declaring that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Like the laws of gravity, this is something any woman could have explained to any confused pre-Newtonian.

  HE MEANT:

  reaction n. the word to use when describing a person’s emotional response. Use “overreaction” only if you want it to escalate.

  SHE MEANT:

  read v. to take in all aspects of a book or person, looking for meaning, symbols, and ulterior motives.

  HE MEANT:

  read v. to comprehend a person, a battlefield, or a basketball court and see where the weakness lies.

  SHE MEANT:

  real adj. part of reality, as confirmed by more than one person.

  HE MEANT:

  real n. the changeless prototype. “Real men” still don’t eat quiche, unless there’s nothing else in the fridge.

  SHE MEANT:

  reasonable adj. having the ideal attitude.

  HE MEANT:

  reasonable adj. what you should pretend she already is.

  SHE MEANT:

  reassurance n. a commodity craved by the desperate and the hubristic. They will ask, “Do you love me?,” “Do you love me now as much as you did yesterday?,” and “Will you love me a few hours from now as much as you do now?” Reassurance should be given.

  HE MEANT:

  reassurance n. steady, nurturing feeling a man is expected to give during moments of crisis and calm, and expects to receive for the first two days of unemployment or impotence.

  SHE MEANT:

  rebound n. when you fall in love with a complete stranger you met three minutes ago because you’re still fixated on the person who left you three minutes before that.