He Meant, She Meant Read online

  HE MEANT:

  mind-reading n. a skill men neither have nor want. Paying attention to words is bad enough.

  SHE MEANT:

  mirror n. the only objective arbiter of how one looks. Men who use mirrors a lot love their looks. Women who do, on the other hand, believe that they look terrible and keep glancing to see how right they are.

  HE MEANT:

  mirror n. the only inanimate object that tells you your socks don’t match your tie.

  SHE MEANT:

  mission n. a long-term goal; a life desire; a sustaining purpose. Feeding the starving. Helping the hopeless. Seeking perfection.

  HE MEANT:

  mission n. a good thing to have, if you don’t like your job.

  SHE MEANT:

  mistake n. an educational experience.

  HE MEANT:

  mistake n. a screw-up.

  SHE MEANT:

  mixed message n. the stating of one thing accompanied by the contradictory appearance of another. Part of the delicious ambiguity that keeps life interesting.

  HE MEANT:

  mixed message n. when “no” may or may not mean “try again.” Guess wrong, go to jail.

  SHE MEANT:

  modesty n. discussing your achievements only in the guise of talking about someone else’s, using the segue “That’s so funny because…!” Learning that Steve was a tae kwon do student, Melinda said with modesty, “That’s so funny, because I’m a black belt in karate!” Steve didn’t see why it was funny.

  HE MEANT:

  modesty n. quality of drawing little attention to oneself. Highly praised by those who want the attention that remains. Steve thought that by mentioning the color of her belt, Melinda had given up any claim to modesty.

  SHE MEANT:

  moment n. a morsel of time during which epic issues are decided.

  HE MEANT:

  moment n. the kind of time you can afford to live for, until you’re married or in debt.

  SHE MEANT:

  mother n. 1. someone who loves you when you’re sick. 2. the parent who intuitively knows what size clothing to buy you even when you’re not there. 3. a woman who, because she knows you so very well from before you existed, can truly test the limits of your sanity.

  HE MEANT:

  mother n. 1. someone who thinks you might be sick. 2. parent who can teach you why to be a man, but not how. 3. a woman who once offered softness, but stopped when you were a little boy—if you were lucky.

  SHE MEANT:

  muse n. one who inspires creativity by playing the harp, dusting, or proofreading. Unfortunately, making someone your muse can suffocate the relationship. Better to rely on impersonal forces as muses. Happiness, nature, rejection, early spring, fear, competition, revenge, and rent bills all have been known to help artists out of creative funks.

  HE MEANT:

  muse n. a goddess who inspires a man’s creativity. These days she often wears running shorts.

  N

  SHE MEANT:

  nag v. to bother someone until they relent and do what they should have done all along.

  HE MEANT:

  nag v. 1. to harass with insulting repetition. 2. to harass with insulting repetition.

  SHE MEANT:

  napkin n. a cloth or paper dining implement, to be folded more or less elaborately depending on who’s coming to dinner. Don’t fold at all for hated relatives; learn origami for your boss’s boss.

  HE MEANT:

  napkin n. a paper object you place on your lap, to catch the stuff that falls, and wipe the stuff that sticks. Men are encouraged to use the unsanitary kind.

  SHE MEANT:

  narcissism n. the feeling that if only you could clone yourself, you would finally fall head over heels in love.

  HE MEANT:

  narcissism n. the juvenile belief that no woman could resist your penis, if only she saw it. Rarely justified.

  SHE MEANT:

  natural adj. lacking artifice, effort, or social skills. Melinda found it took extra time to make her makeup look completely natural, as if she weren’t wearing any. Steve appreciated it. “You’re so natural,” be told her, after she had spent more time than usual getting ready.

  HE MEANT:

  natural adj. the opposite of polyester. Steve hoped she’d notice his natural cotton shirt—but she was silent.

  SHE MEANT:

  need v. to need. There are two kinds of need: the urgent kind, and the seemingly unnecessary kind. Some do not understand this and appear genuinely confused when they ask questions like, “But why do you need new shoes? You already have seven pairs.” You need new shoes because they are new. Then there are “needs” (n. pl.) beyond shoes, invisible but pressing. Jan now understood how completely Lloyd had never met her needs.

  HE MEANT:

  need n. a word that elevates a whim to a moral imperative: “Lloyd, I need you to listen,” Anne said. “You aren’t meeting my needs.” In America, unmet desires become needs when they find a lobbyist.

  SHE MEANT:

  negative adj. unfairly critical without knowing what the hell one is talking about.

  HE MEANT:

  negative adj. what a man is accused of being, if he tries to introduce realism to a conversation.

  SHE MEANT:

  nest n. home base, where the children get fed and watered; or, a basket of eggs with fluffy things and a roof. Also love nest: a den of quilts and passion.

  HE MEANT:

  nest n. dwelling a woman wants built for her before her mid-thirties, in which a man will join her if the nest has color TV and a full fridge.

  SHE MEANT:

  networking n. befriending people who can help your career. Women have hundreds of years of catching up to do when it comes to networking, having been excluded from dozens of all-male enclaves, such as social clubs, pro wrestling, and dinner parties at strip joints. But we do have the advantage of having more friends.

  HE MEANT:

  networking n. behaving in a friendly way to people who are not friends, and whom you don’t want to seduce.

  SHE MEANT:

  never adv. a word men use when they’re being melodramatic, but don’t mean. Lloyd swore he’d never sleep with Anne again if she didn’t stop being friends with her ex-lover.

  HE MEANT:

  never adv. a word meaning “not soon.” Anne asserted the right to remain friends with her ex-lover, and swore she’d never sleep with him again.

  SHE MEANT:

  nice adj. a compliment that is often intended as an insult and will be taken as one.

  HE MEANT:

  nice adj. a quality men sacrifice for themselves, so their wives and daughters may have an ample supply.

  SHE MEANT:

  no adv. the easiest thing to say when you’re too polite to say what you’re really thinking. In bed, for example, “no” may mean: “I’m not as attracted to you as I thought I’d be,” “Your sexual technique is so bad that I don’t think this would be fun for me,” “We don’t have any contraceptives, you lunkhead, and I don’t feel like asking you for child support,” “Maybe later, if you tell me how attractive I am and improve your probing,” or “Never—you disgust me and always have.”

  HE MEANT:

  no adv. a small word that may or may not mean “stop.”

  SHE MEANT:

  nothing pron. a significant something. “Nothing’s wrong.”

  HE MEANT:

  nothing pron. a lack of anything at all. “Nothing’s wrong.”

  SHE MEANT:

  now adv. an approximate time, meaning in half an hour or so. I’m ready to meet you for dinner now.

  HE MEANT:

  now adv. at the present, meaning within four minutes.

  SHE MEANT:

  nurture v. to treat pets as if they were human beings, and human beings as if they were pets.

  HE MEANT:

  nurture v. to indulge, or at least refrain from abusing.

  SHE MEANT:

  nu
trition n. the science of eating foods that are good for you instead of foods that make you feel good; the art of making you believe those are the same foods.

  HE MEANT:

  nutrition n. when you eat the parsley that sits by the steak.

  O

  OXYMORON OR IDEAL? THE SMART BIMBO

  This happened in a mental hospital in Albuquerque, New Mexico:

  Someone had posted a black-and-white magazine ad featuring Claudia Schiffer on the staff bulletin board. Christine K—, a nurse, demanded, “Get that bimbo off the wall!”

  Not wanting to lose the pretty picture too soon, a coworker asked a stalling question: “How do you know she’s a bimbo?”

  “Well, she’s not in that ad because of her brains,” Chris said.

  “No, of course not. But what do her brains have to do with it?”

  “Nothing. That’s why I want her off the wall.”

  “But how do you know she’s a bimbo?” he persisted.

  “You just admitted she’s not up there for being bright.”

  “Right—but what does that have to do with it?”

  “That’s what a bimbo is. Bimbos are stupid. That’s what makes ’em bimbos.” She shuffled through the physicians’ orders, confirming the meds for the shift.

  “Really?” he said. He wondered if it was one of those words, like “indicted,” that he had seen as a child and never fully understood.

  “Yeah. What did you think it meant?”

  “I always thought it meant a woman who was easy,” he said.

  “No. That has nothing to do with it.”

  Other women, nearby, agreed with Chris. They felt bimbos made all women appear stupid. The Schiffer ad was in trouble.

  A male co-worker walked by. “Brian—what does ‘bimbo’ mean to you?”

  “Why?” he asked.

  “Because. I’m wondering. What do you think of?”

  “Well, ‘cheap,’ I guess.”

  “Cheap how?”

  “Well, cheap, like in a good way.” Brian laughed.

  “You mean they’re easy?” the first man asked.

  “Well, yeah,” Brian said. “What’s this for?”

  The man called other units of the hospital, asking for the first adjective they thought of when they heard the word. Women kept saying “Stupid.” Men kept saying “Sexy.”

  Women thought men liked bimbos because the bimbos were stupid. The unquestioned theory that men are “intimidated” by smart women had followed from this untested assumption.

  That theory comforts “smart” women who find themselves dateless. But it doesn’t help them get dates. Is a woman really supposed to act dumb?

  No. Men are attracted to attractive women who seem to be attracted to them. That’s all. Men hate rejection as much as women do. Smart, dumb—who cares, in the short term, as long as he feels warmth and respect?

  To women, a “smart bimbo” is an oxymoron. To men, she’s a nice possibility.

  —BB

  SHE MEANT:

  observant adj. luminously aware of all around you, from newly styled haircuts to imminent nervous breakdowns.

  HE MEANT:

  observant adj. quick to notice the key linebacker, even before John Madden has circled him with electronic chalk.

  SHE MEANT:

  obsession n. an utter fixation on a person or thing that fills a void for the obsessor, who generally doesn’t have a life.

  HE MEANT:

  obsession n. a desire to possess so pervasive as to shut off the obsessor from outside input, even input from the obsessee.

  SHE MEANT:

  oppressor n. a person with a superiority complex who lacks confidence in himself and therefore feels the need to colonize others. Throughout history, oppressors have lacked the finesse and subtlety of their oppressees, and have often been more overweight.

  HE MEANT:

  oppressor n. synonym for “husband,” “father,” “doctor” (when male), “statesman,” and any other form of “man” (with the possible exception of “garbageman”). A word that reaffirms the innocence and powerlessness of women.

  SHE MEANT:

  orgasm n. like an anniversary present, it’s something you’ll always get for him but he might not always get for you.

  HE MEANT:

  orgasm n. a release of physical tension so profound as to often feel, briefly, like love.

  SHE MEANT:

  outfit n. a combination of clothes coherent enough to suggest emotional stability.

  HE MEANT:

  outfit n. a military grouping.

  SHE MEANT:

  outlive v. the best revenge.

  HE MEANT:

  outlive v. method Castro has used to defeat many a U.S. president.

  P

  POLITE FORMS: ETIQUETTE AND CUSTOMS

  Being polite in the Female language means going to great lengths not to insult or offend the other person. If a man is ugly, it is best not to mention his looks at all, or to compliment his sweater when possible. If someone offers advice you would never consider, it’s a good idea to smile and say you’ll consider it. It’s also good to smile thankfully when you are told things you already know; this differs from the male code, in which pretending you know things you don’t know becomes more important. In fact, in the female code of manners, it is critical to smile a lot, until your face muscles start to hurt. That way, you will look more attractive, your manner will seem less harsh, and your success will be less resented.

  In case your success is resented, however, it is good to apologize early and often. It is nice to apologize for successes and failures that were your sole responsibility. It is also crucial to apologize for things that could not possibly be your fault, like death and traffic.

  Doing favors for others is considered good form, though return favors may not be forthcoming. Favors should ideally make those around you happy, but may only make them embarrassed to run into you. As the twelfth-century intellectual Heloise observed after her life was ruined by her great love and numerous well-wishers:

  I am convinced by this sad experience that it is natural to avoid those to whom we have been too much obliged and that uncommon generosity causes neglect rather than gratitude.

  And she was a nun. Things haven’t changed much since then. But “uncommon generosity” should remain a goal, no matter the consequences.

  —JLB

  POLITE FORMS: ETIQUETTE AND CUSTOMS

  Being polite in the Male language consists primarily of speaking differently to men than to women. Men continue to find that when they try to speak to women as they do to men, women are offended, whether the man intended an insult or a compliment. Men who do not adjust to this reality will be shunned by one gender or the other—if they treat both genders as they would treat women, they will seem condescending and effeminate to men; if they treat both genders as they would treat men, they will be in court on harassment charges. Unless they’ve spoken to a post-feminist, and then they may find themselves scandalized by what she says back—see discussion of Post-Feminist Dialect under “D.”

  Thus: men learn to smile more at women than at men, to discuss the appearance of other women almost exclusively with men, to stop in the middle of a dirty joke if a woman enters the room. Skill in following these guidelines unobtrusively will determine how well one is liked, which determines how much of one’s way one gets.

  —BB

  SHE MEANT:

  pack v. to squeeze everything you own into a small suitcase before going on a trip.

  HE MEANT:

  pack v. to carry a concealed weapon.

  SHE MEANT:

  pain n. 1. emotional anguish. 2. physical anguish. See BEAUTY.

  HE MEANT:

  pain n. a feeling that makes you want to say, “Ow.” Don’t, though, unless you want to teach people how they can hurt you.

  SHE MEANT:

  pants n. pl. 1. clothing to wear when you’re feeling confident and want to be comfortable. 2. short littl
e breaths that you have to take when you put on a really tight skirt and realize you should have worn the pants instead.

  HE MEANT:

  pants n. pl. 1. cloth, denim, or leather article of clothing with which to cover one’s legs. 2. noises to make, short minutes after the legs have been uncovered.

  SHE MEANT:

  paradise n. where Adam and Eve lived before their curiosity got the better of them.

  HE MEANT:

  paradise n. a bevy of beautiful women. Failing that, a decent all-you-can-eat buffet.

  SHE MEANT:

  park n. a romantic place to feed fantasies or pigeons.

  HE MEANT:

  park n. a fenced-in place to play baseball.

  SHE MEANT:

  parthenogenesis n. asexual reproduction. Simone de Beauvoir wrote of parthenogenesis experiments, “In many species the male appears to be fundamentally unnecessary,” an alarming but somewhat comforting fact.

  HE MEANT:

  parthenogenesis n. development of the egg without fertilization. But why bother?

  SHE MEANT:

  pass 1. v. to not fail. She passed. 2. v. to not irritate. It passed. 3. n. an indication that someone wants to sleep with you, which may fail or irritate. He made a pass.

  HE MEANT:

  pass n. 1. the forward toss of a football. 2. the gesture of a forward person. Both moves risk a big loss, in hopes of a big gain.

  SHE MEANT:

  passive adj. how one controls a situation without seeming to, for example by manipulating seating arrangements or not returning phone calls.

  HE MEANT: