THE HA HA BONK BOOK Read online
Page 2
There’s nothing in it.
Shall I tell you the joke about the butter?
I’d better not. You’ll only spread it.
Daddy, daddy, there’s a spider in the bath!
Don’t worry, you’ve seen spiders before.
Yes, but this one’s four feet wide and it’s using all the hot water!
What did the father ghost say to his son?
Spook when you’re spooken to.
DRACULA’S SCHOOL REPORT
Reading: good
Writing: untidy
Cricket: shows
promise as a bat.
Where was grandma when the lights went out? In the dark.
Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
He had no body to go with.
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge. What’s come over you, man?
Well, so far two cars, three lorries and a bus!
GIRL: Last night I had to get up and open the door in my nightie.
BOY: That’s a funny place to have a door.
How do you start a teddy bear race? Ready, Teddy, go!
How do you start a flea race?
One, two, flea!
How do you start a jelly race?
Get set.
How do you start a pudding race?
Sago!
What happened to the girl who slept with her head under the pillow?
The fairies took all her teeth away.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Felix.
Felix who?
Felix my ice-cream, I’ll lick his.
The sausage is a cunning bird With feathers long and wavy,
It swims about the frying pan And makes its nest in gravy.
What lives at the bottom of the sea with a shotgun?
Billy the Squid.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say ‘banana’?
Why did the tap dancer have to retire?
He kept falling in the sink.
What happens when pigs fly?
The price of bacon goes up.
What’s frozen water?
Ice.
What’s frozen cream?
Ice-cream.
What’s frozen tea?
Iced tea.
What’s frozen ink?
Iced ink.
Well, have a bath then!
If a red house is made of red bricks, and a blue house is made of blue bricks, what’s a green house made of?
Glass.
Why is it cheap to feed a giraffe?
A little goes a long way.
There were two Bishops in α bed.
Which one wore the nightie?
Mrs Bishop.
What is the best thing to put into a pie?
Your teeth.
Teachers like jokes about reading, writing and arithmetic. They also like jokes about happy, carefree teachers having cups of tea in the staffroom – and school holidays.
If your teacher asks you a question and you do not know the answer, tell her a joke instead. It will cheer her up. Your teacher needs cheering up. After all, she is stuck in a classroom with you five days a week. Also, you only have to go to school till you’re sixteen; teachers have to go till they’re sixty!
A teacher was talking to a new boy in her class.
TEACHER: What’s your name?
BOY: Let’s see… Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Brian… it’s Brian, miss!
TEACHER: If you add 387 and 769, then double it and divide by 5, what do you get?
BOY: The wrong answer, miss.
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
How do you spell ‘hungry horse’ in four letters?
M T G G.
What do misers do in cold weather?
Sit round a candle.
What do misers do in very cold weather?
Light it!
Why couldn’t the sailors play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
MUM: Come on, John, eat your breakfast; you’ll be late for school.
JOHN: I don’t want to go to school. The teachers don’t like me, the children don’t like me – even the caretaker doesn’t like me!
MUM: All the same, you must go.
JOHN: Why should I?
MUM: Well, for one thing you’re forty-five years old, and for another you’re the headmaster!
What exams do farmers take?
Hay levels.
Why can’t you starve at the seaside?
Because of the sand which is there.
TEACHER: If you had 10p, and you asked your dad for another 10p, how much would you have?
BOY: Er,… 10p, sir.
TEACHER: You don’t know your arithmetic, boy!
BOY: You don’t know my dad, sir.
What should you know if you want to be a lion tamer?
A bit more than the lion.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don’t know the words.
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
A woolly jumper.
What do you get if you cross a cow with a duck?
Cream quackers.
What do you get if you cross a cockerel with a poodle?
A cockerpoodledo!
What do you get if you cross an owl with a skunk?
A bird that smells but doesn’t give a hoot.
BOY: I think my teacher loves me.
GIRL: How can you tell?
BOY: She keeps putting kisses by my sums.
I eat my peas with honey;
I’ve done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny,
But it keeps them on the knife.
Why did the girl take a pencil to bed?
To draw the curtains.
TEACHER: Tell me an animal that lives in Lapland.
BOY: A reindeer, sir.
TEACHER: Good! Now tell me one more.
BOY: Er…, another reindeer!
What did the one ear say to the other ear?
Between you and me, we need a haircut.
What flowers grow under your nose?
Tulips.
TEACHER: If I had ten oranges in one hand, and seven in the other, what would I have?
GIRL: Big hands, miss!
What can you do if a herd of elephants comes racing towards you?
Make a trunk call and reverse the charge.
A teacher was taking her class for a walk in the woods.
‘Now, Mary,’ she said. ‘What do
we call the outside of a tree?’
‘I don’t know, miss,’ said Mary.
‘Bark, you silly girl,’ said
the teacher. ‘Bark!’
‘Oh, all right then,’ said Mary.
‘Woof-woof!’
Most teachers enjoy a good joke, otherwise they wouldn’t be teachers. All the same, don’t tell your teacher jokes about naughty children getting caned by their teacher; it might give her ideas.
One more thing: never tell your teacher a joke when she is eating her dinner. She might start coughing and hit you in the eye with a bit of boiled potato, or – worse still – spray you with a mouthful of semolina. And that’s no joke!
GIRL: Please, sir, I wish we lived in the olden days.
TEACHER: Why?
GIRL: Then there wouldn’t be so much history to learn.
When they asked, ‘Are you faint?’
He replied, ‘No, I ain’t,
But I don’t feel as well as I did!’
What’s the difference between a nail and a bad boxer?
One’s knocked in and the other’s knocked out.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A right ear, a left ear and a wild frontier.
TEACHER: What came after the Stone Age and the Bronze Age?
GIRL: Please, sir – the sausage!
Once upon a time there was a donkey. This donkey lived in a field by the side of a river. On the other side of the river there was another field full of delicious carrots. The donkey wanted the carrots but the river was too deep for him to wade, too wide for him to swim, and there was no bridge. The donkey didn’t have a boat and he couldn’t fly. So how did he get across?
Do you give up?
That’s all right – so did the donkey.
TEACHER: If you had 40p in one pocket and 55p in the other, what would you have?
BOY: Somebody else’s trousers, sir.
What goes chuff-chuff at a wedding?
The bride’s train.
TEACHER: How do you spell ‘wrong’?
BOY: r, o, n, g, miss.
TEACHER: That’s wrong!
BOY: Good, I got it right, then.
What’s the difference between a bottle of medicine and a doormat?
One’s shaken up and taken; the other’s taken up and shaken.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There’s no need to cry, it’s only a joke.
Why did the fly fly?
Because the spider spied ’er.
Why did the owl ’owl?
Because the woodpecker would peck ’er.
Why didn’t the viper vipe ’er nose?
Because the adder ’ad ’er ’andkerchief.
TEACHER: You’re late! You should have been here at nine o’clock.
BOY: Why, miss – what happened?
What’s the difference between a church bell and a robber?
One peals from the steeple; the other steals from the people.
TEACHER: Your hands are very dirty, girls. What would you say if I came to school with hands like that?
GIRLS: We’d be too polite to mention it, miss!
Policemen like jokes about handcuffs, truncheons and panda cars.
Milkmen like jokes about milk, cream, cheese, butter, yoghurt, eggs, orange squash and Christmas hampers.
Postmen like all jokes, except the ones about big dogs chasing postmen.
Dustmen don’t like any jokes. They think they’re just a load of rubbish.
Where do policemen live?
Letsby Avenue.
A man rushed into a bank and pointed his finger at the cashier. ‘This is a muck-up!’
‘Don’t you mean “stick-up”?’ said the cashier.
‘No,’ said the man, ‘muck-up – I forgot my gun.’
Who gets the sack as soon as he starts work?
A postman.
What happened to the robber who pinched a bar of soap?
He made a clean getaway.
What goes 99 bonk?
A centipede with a wooden leg.
Why did the orange stop at the top of the hill?
It ran out of juice.
Forth from his den to steal he stole.
His bags of chink he chunk.
And many a wicked smile he smole,
And many a wink he wunk.
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
You’re under a vest.
What’s short, green and goes camping?
A boy sprout.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a spoon.
Well, sit there and don’t stir.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a billiard ball.
Well, get back in the queue.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a pack of cards.
Sit down. I’ll deal with you later.
What does the ocean say when it sees the shore?
Nothing, it just waves.
A postman limped into a hospital. ‘A dog’s bitten my leg!’ he said.
‘Oh dear,’ said the nurse.
‘Did you put anything on it?’
‘No,’ said the postman.
‘He liked it just as it was.’
Why did the burglar cut the legs off his bed?
He wanted to lie low for a while.
What’s bread?
Raw toast.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No – cows go moo!
FIRST MAN: Have you seen a policeman round here?
SECOND MAN: No.
FIRST MAN: Do you know where the nearest police-station is?
SECOND MAN: No.
FIRST MAN: Right, then – stick ’em up!
How do hens and roosters dance?
Chick to chick.
Did you hear the joke about the three eggs?
No?
Two bad.
Why are cooks bullies?
They whip the cream and beat the eggs.
What goes over the water,
under the water,
on the water
and yet never touches the water?
An egg in a duck’s tummy.
What’s yellow and white and gets eaten at 100 m.p.h.?
A train driver’s egg sandwich.
What did the egg say in the monastery?
Oh well, out of the frying-pan into the friar.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Egburt.
Egburt who?
Egg but no bacon.
There were two eggs in a pan of boiling water.
‘Wow,’ said the first egg, ‘it’s getting hot in here!’
‘That’s nothing,’ said the second. ‘Wait till they get you outside; they’ll bash your head in with a spoon!’
What does the Spanish farmer say to his chickens?
Olé!
What do policemen like best in their sandwiches?
Truncheon meat.
What do you get if you cross a snowball with a shark?
Frostbite.
Who was the fastest runner?
Adam. He was first in the human race.
What’s green, hairy and goes up and down?
A gooseberry in a lift.
What’s yellow and dangerous?
Shark-infested custard.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Irish stew.
Irish stew who?
I arrest you in the name of the law.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there’s two of me.
One at a time, please.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer.
What’s purple and hums?
An electric plum.
Why did the boy throw the clock out of the window?
To see time fly.
What did the ear ’ear?
Only the nose knows.
If you are a girl, your mother-in-law is your husband’s mother. If you are a boy, your mother-in-law is your wife’s mother. Of course, if you are a boy or a girl, you probably haven’t got a mother-in-law. In which case, you may have to save these jokes for a while.
Or… you could tell them to your mother’s mother-in-law. Your mother’s mother-in-law is your grandma. Your father’s mother-in-law is your other grandma. Your auntie’s sister’s uncle’s cousin by her second marriage twice removed, has got nothing to do with it.
Who’s Santa Claus’s wife?
Mary Christmas.
A tramp went to a lady’s house for something to eat.
‘Would you mind eating yesterday’s soup?’ said the lady.
‘No,’ said the tramp.
‘Good!’ said the lady. ‘In that case, come back tomorrow.’
A man having dinner at Crewe
Found a small hairy mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, ‘Don’t shout
And wave it about,
Or the others’ll want one too.’
Why don’t elephants like penguins?
They can’t get the paper off with their trunks.
Mary had a little lamb,
Who had a sooty foot.
And into Mary’s bread and jam,
His sooty foot he put.