THE HA HA BONK BOOK Read online
Page 3
What’s bad-tempered and goes with custard?
Apple grumble.
What’s big, red and eats rocks?
A big red rock-eater.
Why can’t you play cards in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
DOCTOR: You should live to be eighty.
MAN: I am eighty!
DOCTOR: What did I tell you?
What cake gives you an electric shock?
A currant bun.
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
One day a big tortoise, a middle-sized tortoise and a little tortoise went into a café. They ordered three banana splits. While they were waiting, they noticed it had begun to rain.
‘Look at that,’ said the big tortoise. ‘We should have brought our umbrella.’
‘You’re right,’ said the middle tortoise. ‘Let’s send the little one back to get it.’
‘I’ll go,’ said the little tortoise. ‘Only you must promise not to eat my banana split while I’m away.’
Well, the big tortoise and the middle-sized tortoise did promise, and so the little tortoise set off.
A few days later the big tortoise said to the middle tortoise, ‘Come on, let’s eat his banana split anyway.’
‘All right then,’ said the middle tortoise.
At that moment the little tortoise shouted back from the end of the café, ‘You do that, and I won’t fetch the umbrella!’
What flies and wobbles?
A jellycopter.
What goes up the drainpipe down, but won’t go down the drainpipe up?
An umbrella.
Why did the girl take a hammer to school?
It was breaking-up day.
What’s white on the outside, green on the inside and hops?
A frog sandwich.
If you want to tell your dog a joke, choose a hot day. This way the dog will look as though he’s laughing, whether he finds it funny or not.
Dogs like jokes about cats and lampposts; also bones; also other dogs who go into public houses and order pints of beer.
If the dog growls while you are telling the joke, it means he’s heard it before. If he bites your leg, he probably has no sense of humour.
Two cats were looking at a bird in a cage.
‘That’s not a canary,’
said the first cat. ‘It’s green.’
‘You never know,’ said the second.
‘Maybe it’s not ripe yet.’
Why did the dog wear black boots?
His brown ones were at the menders.
What does the hedgehog
have for his lunch?
Prickled onions.
Why does the ocean roar?
Well, wouldn’t you if you
had crabs on your bottom?
Did you hear about the sheep
dog trials?
Three of the dogs were guilty.
What bet can never be won?
The alphabet.
DOCTOR: You need glasses.
MAN: But I’m already wearing glasses.
DOCTOR: In that case, I need glasses.
What do you call a gorilla
with a machine-gun?
Sir!
What happened to the man
who stole a calendar?
He got twelve months.
What stands still and goes?
A clock.
How can you stop your dog from
barking in the back garden?
Put him in the front garden.
What’s green and goes boing-boing-boing?
Spring cabbage.
Why does the rabbit have a shiny nose?
Because her powder puff is on the wrong end.
What’s the difference between a crazy rabbit and a forged pound note?
One’s a mad bunny; the other’s bad money.
What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Let us in and you’ll find out.
TEACHER: If I gave you three rabbits, then the next day I gave you five rabbits, how many would you have?
GIRL: Nine, miss.
TEACHER: Nine?
GIRL: Yes, miss. I’ve got one already.
If a cat dressed up as a cowboy went into a saloon with his arm in a sling, what would he say?
‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!’
What four letters frighten robbers?
O I C U.
What’s worse than finding a maggot in an apple?
Finding half a maggot.
When are sheep like ink?
When they’re put in a pen.
Why did the farmer drive the steam-roller over his field?
He wanted to grow mashed potatoes.
Did you hear about the man who bought a paper-shop?
It blew away.
It’s dog’s delight
To bark and bite,
And little birds to sing
And if you sit
On a red-hot brick,
It’s the sign of an early spring.
A man went into a pet shop.
‘Do you have any dogs going cheap?’
‘No, sir,’ said the shop-keeper.
‘All ours go “bow-wow”.’
What should you do if you find
a gorilla in your bed?
Sleep somewhere else.
What lies down a hundred feet in the air?
A centipede.
Waiter, waiter, what do you call this?
It’s bean soup, sir.
I don’t care what it’s been – what is it now?
If the dog you tell your joke to is an English dog, an Irish dog or a Scottish dog, you will probably get a laugh. If it’s a French or German dog, you could have trouble being understood.
By the way, never pull faces at strange dogs. The dog won’t mind, but the owner might think you’re pulling them at him.
Another thing: if you visit a zoo, always remember this: a hyena is not a dog, though it will laugh at anything. Wolves are not dogs either, though they will sometimes pretend to be just to gain your confidence. But watch out! They will eat you up – and your grandma!
What is the difference between a dog and a flea?
A dog can have fleas;
a flea can’t have dogs.
What’s the difference between a duck?
One of his legs is both the same.
What’s the difference between a well-dressed man and a tired dog?
The man wears a suit; the dog just pants.
What’s the difference between a drink of tea and a magician?
One’s a cuppa; the other’s a sorcerer.
Why couldn’t the butterfly go to the dance?
It was a moth ball.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a dog.
Lie down on this couch and I’ll examine you.
I can’t. I’m not allowed on the furniture.
How did Little Bo-Peep lose her sheep?
She had a crook with her.
Where do you find the youngest soldiers?
In the infantry.
What did the baby sardine say when he saw a submarine?
Look, mum – a tin of people!
One day a postman came to a house.
He found a big, barking dog on the doorstep.
‘Don’t worry,’ said the lady. ‘
You know the old saying: “A
barking dog never bites”.’
‘Yes,’ said the postman. ‘I know
the old saying. You know the old
saying. What bothers me is – does
the dog know the old saying!’
TEACHER: Name four animals of the cat family.
BOY: Father cat, mother cat,… and two kittens!
What happens if you put a cat in a was
hing-machine?
You get a sock in the puss.
WAITER: What will you have, sir?
MAN: Steak and kiddly pie, please.
WAITER: You mean steak and kidney pie, sir.
MAN: I said kiddly, diddle I?
What happened to the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens.
What’s purple and burns cakes?
Alfred the Grape.
What’s black and white and black and white and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A shy zebra.
Waiter, waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!
Don’t worry, sir, that spider on your bread will get him.
Waiter, waiter, do you call this a three-course meal?
Yes, sir: two chips and a pea.
Waiter, waiter, you’ve got your thumb in my soup.
That’s all right, sir. It’s not hot.
The jokes you tell yourself will depend on the kind of person you are.
For instance, if you are a busy person, you may have to come back later or phone yourself up. If you are very tall, you may have to stand on a chair. If you haven’t got a sense of humour, you won’t laugh anyway. On the other hand, if you’ve heard the joke before, you’ll probably have to hear it again.
How did the monkey make toast?
He put it under the gorilla.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.
There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. One day they were out walking and came to a cave. Inside the cave there was a table, and on the table there was a pound note.
The trouble was, the cave was haunted.
Well, first the Englishman crept in and tried to get the pound note. But just as his hand reached out a spooky voice said:
‘I’m the ghost of Auntie Mabel. That pound note stays on the table!’
So then the Englishman screamed with fright and ran off.
Next the Irishman crept in and tried to get the pound note. But again, just as his hand reached out, the spooky voice said:
‘I’m the ghost of Auntie Mabel. That pound note stays on the table!’
So then the Irishman screamed with fright and ran off.
Last of all, the Scotsman crept in. But once more, just as his hand reached out, the spooky voice said:
‘I’m the ghost of Auntie Mabel. That pound note stays on the table!’
But then – instead of screaming with fright – the Scotsman said:
‘I’m the ghost of Davy Crockett. That pound note goes in my pocket!’
And he ran off with it.
If there were two elephants in a Mini, what game would they be playing?
Squash.
What did Noah say when he heard the rain falling?
‘’Ark!’
What’s the difference between a wet day and a lion with tooth-ache?
One’s pouring with rain; the other’s roaring with pain.
What do jelly babies wear in the rain?
Gumboots.
Why do birds fly south in the winter?
It’s too far to walk.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sun-burned penguin.
How do you get rid of water on the knee?
Wear drain-pipe trousers.
What goes up when the rain comes down?
An umbrella.
What do you call an Eskimo’s cow?
An Eskimoo.
Where do snowmen dance?
At the snowball.
What goes dot-dot-dot-croak?
A morse toad.
What goes putt, putt, putt, putt, putt, putt, putt, putt?
A bad golfer.
What goes, ‘Quick-quick!’?
A duck with the hiccups.
Doctor, doctor, I’ve lost my memory.
When did it happen?
When did what happen?
Why did the boy swallow 25p?
It was his dinner money.
What did the spaceman see in his frying pan?
An unidentified frying object.
What’s mad and goes to the moon?
A loony module.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Cornflakes.
Cornflakes who?
I’ll tell you next week; it’s a cereal.
I wish I was a little grub
With whiskers round my tummy.
I’d climb into a honey pot
and make my tummy gummy.
Doctor, doctor, my little boy’s swallowed a bullet. What shall I do?
Well, for a start, don’t point him at me.
How far can a pirate ship go?
15 miles to the galleon.
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Humphrey.