THE HA HA BONK BOOK Read online
Puffin Books
THE HA HA BONK BOOK
If you are a boy or a girl with a sense of humour and some money, this is the book for you. It is full of good jokes to tell your dad, your mum, your baby brother, your teacher and anybody else you can think of.
Actually, you don’t have to have a sense of humour to buy this book. The main thing is the money. If you are short of money, you could buy the book with a friend and have a half each; or 96 friends and have a page each; or 15,682 friends and have a word each.
On the other hand, if you have plenty of money, you could buy two copies and laugh twice as much. If you are a millionaire, you could buy them all and make the publisher laugh.
PUFFIN BOOKS
Published by the Penguin Group
Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
Penguin Putnam Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA
Penguin Books Australia Ltd, 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia
Penguin Books Canada Ltd, 10 Alcorn Avenue, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4V 3B2
Penguin Books India (P) Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi – 110 017, India
Penguin Books (NZ) Ltd, Cnr Rosedale and Airborne Roads, Albany, Auckland, New Zealand
Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank 2196, South Africa
Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
www.penguin.com
First published 1982
Published simultaneously by Viking
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This collection copyright © Allan Ahlberg, 1982
Illustrations copyright © Janet Ahlberg, 1982
All rights reserved
Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser
ISBN: 978-0-14-196008-1
Contents
Jokes to tell your Dad
Jokes to tell your Mum
Jokes to tell your Baby Brother
Jokes to tell your Best Friend and your Worst Enemy
Jokes to tell your Teacher
Jokes not to tell your Teacher
Jokes to tell your Milkman, Dustman, Postman, Policeman
Jokes to tell your Mother-in-Law
Jokes to tell your Dog
Jokes to tell somebody else’s Dog
Jokes to tell Yourself
Dads are busy men. If you want to tell your dad a joke, choose a good time. For instance, catch him early in the morning while he is still in bed. Don’t be put off if he pulls the blankets over his head.
If you miss him in bed, get him in the bathroom. Try shouting jokes to him through the keyhole or under the door.
Dads like jokes about football, elephants, wooden legs and Englishmen, Irishmen and Scotsmen. Here are some you can try.
Who’s the boss of the hankies?
The hankie chief.
How do you know when there’s an elephant under your bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Cook.
Cook who?
That’s the first one
I’ve heard this year.
Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain.
Why’s that?
My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.
Why is getting up at three o’clock in the morning like a pig’s tail?
It’s twirly.
HERE IS A TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENT
The train now arriving on platforms 5, 6, and 7 is coming in sideways.
Did you hear about the well-behaved little boy?
Whenever he was good, his dad gave him 10p and a pat on the head. By the time he was sixteen, he had £786 and a flat head.
What was the tortoise doing on the motorway?
About ten yards an hour.
What happened to the man who couldn’t tell toothpaste from putty?
All his windows fell out.
How can you keep cool at a football match?
Stand next to a fan.
BARBER: How would you like it, sir?
MAN: Could you cut it very short on one side and not at all on the other, with a sort of crooked fringe at the front and big tufts pulled out at the back?
BARBER: Oh dear, I don’t think I can manage that, sir.
MAN: Why not? You did last time.
What’s wrong with a man with jelly in one ear and sponge cake and custard in the other?
He’s a trifle deaf.
What’s green, lives in a field and has 4,000 legs?
Grass – it was a mistake about the legs.
Did you hear about the two flies playing football in a saucer?
They were practising for the cup.
BOY: My dad plays the piano by ear.
GIRL: So what? My dad fiddles with his whiskers.
Who was the father of the Black Prince?
Old King Cole.
How can you tell which end of a worm is his head?
Tickle him in the middle and watch where he smiles.
What do you give a sick bird?
Tweetment.
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemonade.
Where would you weigh a whale?
At a whale-weigh station.
How did the sailor know there was a Man in the Moon?
He went to sea.
Why did the girl keep a loaf of bread in her comic?
She liked crummy jokes.
Two biscuits were walking down the road. One got run over.
What did the other one say?
‘Crumbs!’
One day in the jungle there was a football match between the elephants and the insects. By half-time the elephants were winning 39-0. Then in the second half a centipede came on to play for the insects. He was a brilliant player. The elephants could find no way to stop him, and by the end of the match the score was 46-39 to the insects.
As they were leaving the field, the captain of the elephants said, ‘What puzzles me is, why didn’t you play that centipede in the first half?’
‘We would have,’ said the captain of the insects. ‘The only trouble is, it takes him an hour to get his boots on!’
How can you stop an elephant from smelling?
Tie a knot in his trunk.
How do you know when there’s an elephant in your bed?
You can see the ‘E’ on his pyjamas.
Why couldn’t the two elephants go swimming?
They only had one pair of trunks.
Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly?
Because if he was small, white and round he’d be an aspirin.
Doctor, doctor, my hair’s coming out. Can you give me something to keep it in?
Certainly – how about a paper bag?
DOCTOR: Have you had this before?
MAN: Yes.
DOCTOR: Well, I’m sorry to say you’ve got it again.
What’s grey, has four legs and a trunk?
A mouse going on holiday.
What’s brown, has four legs and a trunk?
A mouse coming back from holiday.
Did you hear about the boy who was christened 6⅞?
His dad picked the name out of a hat.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants come over the hill?
‘Here come the elephants!’
What did Jane say when she saw the elephants come over the hill?
‘Here come the grapes!’ She was colour-blind.
Mums are busy women. For instance, if your mum is the Prime Minister, she has to run the country. If she is the Queen, she has to run the country as well, and make Prince Philip’s sandwiches. The Queen, by the way, likes jokes about horses, wooden legs and Englishwomen, Irishwomen and Scotswomen.
One more thing: mums are supposed to be the experts on children; but this is not always so. After all, who else do you know who gets you up in the morning when you’re sleepy, and sends you to bed at night when you’re wide awake?
What happens when the Queen burps?
She issues a royal pardon.
BOY: Do you notice any change in me?
MUM: No. Why?
BOY: I just swallowed 5p.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Orson.
Orson who?
‘orse and cart.
If two’s company and three’s a crowd, what’s four and five?
Nine.
What’s grey, has four legs and weighs one and a half tons?
A fat mouse.
A lady went into a pet shop.
‘I want a parrot for my little girl,’ she said.
‘Sorry, madam,’ said the shop-keeper. ‘We don’t do swops.’
What did the first mind-reader say to the second mind-reader?
You’re all right, how am I?
Why do golfers take an extra pair of trousers with them?
In case they get a hole in one.
Did you hear about the boy who had Egyptian flu?
He caught it from his mummy.
WOMAN: Did you just save my little boy from drowning?
MAN: Yes, madam, I did.
WOMAN: Well, where’s his cap?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Amos.
Amos who?
A mosquito just bit me.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Andy.
Andy who?
And he bit me again.
What did the judge say to the dentist?
Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
One day a little boy was playing in the garden when he tore his trousers. His mum told him to take them off and she would mend them.
‘But stay in your room till I’ve finished,’ she said.
Some time later she heard a noise in the garden. Thinking the little boy had left his room, she called out, ‘You bad boy – are you running around out there without any trousers on?’
At that moment the gas man appeared. ‘No, madam,’ he said. ‘I’ve just come to read the meter.’
How do you make an apple puff?
Chase it round the garden.
Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me.
Next, please!
BOY: Where are you going, Mum?
MUM: To the doctor’s. I don’t like the look of your sister.
BOY: I’ll come with you. I don’t like the look of her either.
Who’s that at the door?
The Invisible Man.
Tell him I can’t see him.
Who’s that at the door?
A man with a drum.
Tell him to beat it.
Who’s that at the door?
A man with a wooden leg.
Tell him to hop it.
Who’s that at the door?
A woman with a pram.
Tell her to push off.
How do you hire a horse?
Put four bricks under him.
MUM: Why are you crying?
BOY: Dad hit his thumb with a hammer.
MUM: Knowing you, I’m surprised you didn’t laugh.
BOY: That’s the trouble – I did!
A wonderful bird
Is the pelican.
His beak holds more
Than his belly can!
Why should you never tell secrets in a greengrocer’s?
Because potatoes have eyes and beanstalk.
What’s yellow and stupid?
Thick custard.
Where does a sick ship go?
To the dock.
Baby brothers like jokes about English babies, Irish babies and Scots babies. So do baby sisters. Babies, in fact, like jokes about anything. This is because they cannot tell one joke from another.
If you want to practise your jokes, try telling them to a baby. Babies are good listeners. They do not tell you to go away and read a book. They are never too busy, or on the phone, or just going out.
So, if you have a baby in the house, tell him a joke. If you run out of jokes, make rude noises. He will like that even more.
What should you do if a child falls down a well?
Get a book about bringing up children.
There was once a baby who was very quiet. He never said ‘Mama’ or ‘Dada’. He never said anything. When he was three he still hadn’t said anything, and his mum and dad were worried. When he was five he still hadn’t said anything and they were more worried than ever.
Then, one day when he was having his dinner, he said, ‘Not enough salt!’
‘Goodness me,’ said his mum. ‘You can talk! Why is it all these years you’ve never said anything?’
‘Well,’ said the boy, ‘you see, up till now everything’s been all right.’
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You’re too young to smoke.
What did the big telephone say to the little telephone?
You’re too young to be engaged.
What did the big candle say to the little candle?
I’m going out tonight.
What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don’t look now, I’m changing.
What should you do if a baby swallows your biro?
Use a pencil.
HERE IS A NEWS-FLASH
A lorry-load of wigs has been stolen on the M1. The police are combing the area.
Why is an old car like a baby?
It never goes anywhere without a rattle.
Shall I tell you the joke about the high wall?
I’d better not. You’ll never get over it.
Where did Humpty Dumpty put his hat?
Humpty dumped ’is ’at on the wall.
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses
And all the King’s men
Said, ‘Scrambled eggs for dinner again!’
HERE IS ANOTHER NEWS-FLASH
A 4-foot man and a 9-foot man have just escaped from jail.
The police are looking high and low for them.
Where does the baby monkey sleep?
In the apricot.
What did the earwig say as he fell off the wall?
Earwig go again!
Why can’t a man’s head be twelve inches wide?
Because if it was, it would be a foot.
If your best friend is a boy, he will like jokes about ghosts, vampires and monsters. If your best friend is a girl, she will like jokes about vampires, monsters and ghosts. If your best friend is a vampire, he won’t have much time for jokes.
Your worst enemy will also like jokes about ghosts, vampires and monsters; but the joke is, you don’t tell him any. If your worst enemy is a vampire, watch out!
How does a witch tell the time?
With a witch watch.
‘Just think,’ said the boy, ‘a big strawberry ice-cream, two bags of crisps and a front seat at the pictures – all for 10p!’
‘Wow!’ said his fiend.
‘Did you get all that for 10p?’
‘No,’ said the boy. ‘But just think!’
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
/>
Is a bell necessary
on a bicycle?
Who did Dracula marry?
The girl necks door.
I can make you talk like a Red Indian.
How?
See, I told you!
BOY: What’s the difference between a rhinoceros, a lemon and a tube of glue?
GIRL: I don’t know.
BOY: Well, you can squeeze a lemon but you can’t squeeze a rhinoceros.
GIRL: What about the tube of glue?
BOY: I thought that’s where you’d get stuck.
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Pull yourself together, man!
What animal do you look like when you have a bath?
A little bear.
Shall I tell you the joke about the body-snatchers?
No. You might get carried away.
Shall I tell you the joke about the empty house?